I've never worked in marketing, and - having never had a cocaine habit - nor would I want to.
Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure I could do a better job at selling products than the po-faced, Oooh-I'm-all-grown-up, tedium that passes for video game advertising these days.
Still, as dull as most game ads are these, they're nothing next to the kaleidoscopic cascade of hyperactive juvenilia which appeared in games mags 20-odd years ago.
Certainly, if I was ever fortunate to own a time machine, I'd travel back to the 90s and make a small fortune doing a better job than the cack-brained idiots who were doing the ads back then.
Here are some examples of what I'm talking about.
Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure I could do a better job at selling products than the po-faced, Oooh-I'm-all-grown-up, tedium that passes for video game advertising these days.
Still, as dull as most game ads are these, they're nothing next to the kaleidoscopic cascade of hyperactive juvenilia which appeared in games mags 20-odd years ago.
Certainly, if I was ever fortunate to own a time machine, I'd travel back to the 90s and make a small fortune doing a better job than the cack-brained idiots who were doing the ads back then.
Here are some examples of what I'm talking about.
KIRBY SUPERSTARS
For the sake of our non-American readers, a s'more is a sort of sandwich made from couple of Graham Crackers - whatever they are - some chocolate and a marshmallow, traditionally melted over an open fire.
This ad for Kirby Superstar is likening the Nintendo puffball to a marshmallow, which doesn't make a great deal of sense, and is something nobody has ever done, given that he more closely resembles a placenta.
But then they go on to mention a "smorgasbord of Kirby action" - seemingly trying to draw some sort of parallel between s'mores and smorgasbord (of which there is no parallel to be had, beyond the similarity in spelling).
Also features the phrase "hock up the bad guys" which is unpleasant, and suggests a far more graphic act of regurgitation than has ever been seen in a Kirby game.
Also, check out the "Play it loud" dirty protest. Who was running Nintendo's marketing department - Julian Assange?!?!
Nice one. Topical.
This ad for Kirby Superstar is likening the Nintendo puffball to a marshmallow, which doesn't make a great deal of sense, and is something nobody has ever done, given that he more closely resembles a placenta.
But then they go on to mention a "smorgasbord of Kirby action" - seemingly trying to draw some sort of parallel between s'mores and smorgasbord (of which there is no parallel to be had, beyond the similarity in spelling).
Also features the phrase "hock up the bad guys" which is unpleasant, and suggests a far more graphic act of regurgitation than has ever been seen in a Kirby game.
Also, check out the "Play it loud" dirty protest. Who was running Nintendo's marketing department - Julian Assange?!?!
Nice one. Topical.
EAGLEMAX JOYSTICK
Whichever way you choose to interpret this image - bird lime or dirty party - it's unpleasant. Double your nausea by noting that he has some of "it" - whatever "it" may be - got in his mouth.
CRUIS'N WORLD
I've looked at this for 10 minutes straight, and I still can't work out what it's trying to say.
Be one? Be a sausage? Be a frankfurter? A hotdog? A wiener? What do any of those have to do with Cruis'n World? What does it mean?! Be at one with the sausage?
Also, is it just me, or is that sausage sweating slightly? We've all had a sweaty sausage, eh boys!
Baffling ad aside, why was Cruis'n USA and Cruis'n World even spelled like that? Cruisin' USA I get, but putting the apostrophe before the n, and not putting one afterwards... I... I... it makes me have a grammar aneurysm.
Be one? Be a sausage? Be a frankfurter? A hotdog? A wiener? What do any of those have to do with Cruis'n World? What does it mean?! Be at one with the sausage?
Also, is it just me, or is that sausage sweating slightly? We've all had a sweaty sausage, eh boys!
Baffling ad aside, why was Cruis'n USA and Cruis'n World even spelled like that? Cruisin' USA I get, but putting the apostrophe before the n, and not putting one afterwards... I... I... it makes me have a grammar aneurysm.
A FORK IN THE TALE
You know you're in trouble when you're already assuming that people will think your game is just another terrible FMV nonsense. They don't help their cause when they claim that FMV will now stand for "Funny with My Voice". Or by putting Rob Schneider in it. Or by stating that "If this game doesn't change the way you think about FMV nothing will!".
SPOILER: It didn't.
Possibly the most desperate ad of all time.
SPOILER: It didn't.
Possibly the most desperate ad of all time.
VIRTUA FIGHTER
Well done, Sega. Domestic violence towards children IS funny!
VIRTUAL LEAGUE BASEBALL
Aren't ads meant to draw you in? Surely anyone's first reaction to the accompanying image would be to recoil. Unless, of course, they have some sort of fetish for "dad cracks".
If you do manage to read on, the main selling point of Virtual League Baseball seems to be that by playing it at home you won't have to smell the disgusting flatulence - sorry, "long, foul, floaters" - emitted by sports fans.
Incidentally, I went to a baseball game in New York once. It was awful. It lasted about nine hours, and every 10 seconds they stopped the game to play a 20-second blast of "Another One Bites The Dust", and most of the crowd seem to be there to get drunk and bellow homophobic slurs at the players.
If you do manage to read on, the main selling point of Virtual League Baseball seems to be that by playing it at home you won't have to smell the disgusting flatulence - sorry, "long, foul, floaters" - emitted by sports fans.
Incidentally, I went to a baseball game in New York once. It was awful. It lasted about nine hours, and every 10 seconds they stopped the game to play a 20-second blast of "Another One Bites The Dust", and most of the crowd seem to be there to get drunk and bellow homophobic slurs at the players.
BALLZ
"Tell Santa you want Ballz for Christmas"... yes, okay... it's a literal message about the game. But also, it's intended as innuendo, and that innuendo is telling you to ask Father Christmas for some testicles for Christmas.
Why would you want testicles for Christmas? Who is this ad aimed at? Men who were born without testicles? Women? Cannibals?
Why would you want testicles for Christmas? Who is this ad aimed at? Men who were born without testicles? Women? Cannibals?
GAME GENIE
America banned the Game Genie - at least for a while - thanks to Nintendo suing Galoob over copyright infringement. No such badness happened in Canada, and Galoob made the most of it by printing ads which read "Thank You, Canada" - subtly encouraging American gamers to cross the border to pick up a Game Genie, eh.
Which is all well and good, but that text there at the bottom... why did they think it was a good idea to intersperse it with that out-of-context "dude" speech, which TUBULAR was GNARLY embarrassing even BODACIOUS in 1992?
Which is all well and good, but that text there at the bottom... why did they think it was a good idea to intersperse it with that out-of-context "dude" speech, which TUBULAR was GNARLY embarrassing even BODACIOUS in 1992?
ROAD RASH 64
There's no getting away from it; it appears that baby has just shat out an entire N64 and four controllers.
PENTIUM III
At first, I wasn't sure what was going on in this stark black and white image. Then I noticed the joystick. Then I noticed the three months-old baby. Then I noticed the umbilical cord.
I'm not a woman, so couldn't imagine how difficult childbirth can be, but having done some really big poos in my time, which I'd imagine weren't all that different from giving birth, the thought of it brings tears to my eyes.
What makes this ad for me is the plaintive "Dear heavens, no".
I'm not a woman, so couldn't imagine how difficult childbirth can be, but having done some really big poos in my time, which I'd imagine weren't all that different from giving birth, the thought of it brings tears to my eyes.
What makes this ad for me is the plaintive "Dear heavens, no".
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