FOR WHAT DOES Q*BERT USE HIS NOZZLE PLEASE?

What is Q*Bert? Nobody is saying. The foul-mouthed ginger ball remains, 35 years after his creation, an enigma. Nevertheless, what can we learn from studying Q*Bert's physiology? Specifically: for what does he use his nozzle?

Digitiser2000 investigates.

TO ATTRACT A MATE?

Male proboscis monkeys use their big noses to attract females, because we all know that there's nothing sexier or more alluring than a giant snout that looks like a deflated football that has been abandoned behind some council estate garages. The larger and more pendulous the proboscis monkey nose, the sexier the male appears to potential girlfriends.

This is why the male proboscis monkey has earned the nickname "Darwin's Dong-Face".

It's entirely possible that Q*Bert uses his nozzle to attract females of his species. However, given that there exists no Ms Q*Bert in the official Q*Bert canon, you can probably rule this out. What's more, were he to try waggling his nozzle at females in the human world all he'd likely receive is a police caution.

STRIPPING BRANCHES OF THEIR LEAVES?

That's the primary purpose of an elephant's trunk: removing leaves from bits of wood, and then shoving them in its gob. 

Unfortunately, Q*Bert doesn't have a visible gob, and the stumpy nature of his flaccid nozzle doesn't imply a great deal of flexibility. An elephant's trunk is also used for general grabbing, breathing, and making noises. No doubt Q*Bert breathes through his nozzle - and certainly uses it to issue profanity - but its secondary use as a prehensile tube can be ruled out...

​...Or can it?

AS A HAND?

Given that Q*Bert has no arms to speak of, and has at least evolved enough intelligence to swear (unless he's like a parrot, and is merely repeating what he's heard his owner say), he would probably require some manner of grasping appendage. 

A tapir's nose is essentially a substitute hand, grabbing leaves and shit off of bushes. Again, there's seemingly nothing particularly prehensile about Q*Bert's nozzle, but perhaps he's quite good at sucking up things through it. Or maybe it works like a Dalek's sucker arm.

TO PICK UP THE SCENT OF FOOD?

The aardvark swings its long nose from side-to-side, scanning the ground for the scent of termites. Given that Q*Bert is a bipedal creature, he'd require some sort of counterbalance in order to do that - such as a long tail. If Q*Bert tried sniffing the ground, he'd topple arse-over-tit (this is merely a turn of phrase: Q*Bert lacks any visible breasts or anus). 

FOR LICKING ANTS OUT OF A HOLE?

The anteater's snout is tapered, making it the ideal tool for shoving into an anthill. By contrast, Q*Bert's nozzle is flat and gaping - with no sign of a tongue within. If he tried shoving his nozzle against an anthill it'd either just squash against the surface, or smash the whole thing down. Ants would scatter, and Q*Bert would go hungry.

LIKE A SNORKEL?

In all of Q*Bert's adventures, there has been no sign of any aquatic tendencies. Again, given the relatively stubby nature of his nozzle, and apparent lack of prehensility, there seems no way that his physiology makes him capable of breathing underwater. Q*Bert would likely drown if he tried it, and the further we get into the list, the more you may be considering that this might be the best thing for him.

WHASSUP, LAYDEEEZ?

Uh... this isn't meant to be in here. Quickly now: scroll down.

TO PRODUCE A LOUD ROARING NOISE WHICH TURNS ON THE GIRLS

Animals are quite different to humans. Whereas female homo sapiens are mostly incredibly shallow, and attracted to things like millionaire's bank accounts, kindness, and Poldark, animals mainly go for guys with big noses.

Elephant seals use their massive snouts to make a loud roaring sound. The louder and more sexy the noise, the more girlfriends they get. Can you imagine Poldark doing that? Or, indeed, Q*Bert? The only things Q*Bert is capable of roaring are swear words - and that seems more likely to discourage potential mates. Unless they're working class.

FOR EATING

Dirty flies vomit their stomach contents onto solid food, so that their digestive juices can dissolve their dinner into smaller, more manageable, pieces. Mixed with the stomach juices, the fly will then suck up its grub like it's some sort of disgusting soup. Given that he has no hands or mouth or teeths, this seems a likely potential use for Q*Bert's nozz'. He has to eat somehow. How else did he get so fat?

PIERCING THE GUT WALL OF HIS HOST?

Acanthocephalan is a type of parasitic worm that lives in the intestines of host animals. Its dominant feature is its spiny proboscis, which it uses to pierce the gut wall of its host, so that it can hang on while completing its life cycle. Outwardly, Q*Bert has no spines on his nozzle, but it may act as a form of sheath, or foreskin, for the gripping proboscis within.

That may seem unlikely, but acanthocephalan has something important in common with Q*Bert: they both lack a mouth or alimentary canal. Acanthocephalan feeds off of nutrients which have been ingested by its host. 

Furthermore, the canals of the proboscis open into a circular vessel which runs round the parasite's base. From the circular canal, two sac-like projections called the lemnisci run into the cavity of the body, alongside the proboscis cavity.

Each consists of a prolongation of the syncytial material of the proboscis skin, penetrated by canals and sheathed with a muscular coat. These act as reservoirs into which the fluid, which is used to keep the proboscis "erect", can withdraw when it is retracted, and from which the fluid can be driven out when it is wished to expand the proboscis. 

Coincidence? Unlikely. Might we find a wild Q*Bert hanging around in the stomachs of larger animals, such as whales, gorging on semi-digested krill, using his erect proboscis?

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
ARE THESE THE WORST COMPUTER SHOP NAMES EVER?
​CAN YOU SURVIVE THE ULTIMATE OSTRICH STARE-DOWN?
​ALL THE GAMES SYSTEMS MY STUPID PARENTS WERE TOO CRUEL TO EVER BUY FOR ME
​