As we’ve previously whined, like the stately yet ridiculous "fartridges" we are, Grand Theft Auto V is a game we feel tediously conflicted over.
On the one hand - a hand that is clean, manicured and smells of nice soap - it makes a fair claim to being the best video game ever. Indeed, almost every department swells and excels, from the graphics, to the voice acting, to the script.
What other game lets you plan a jewel heist before giving you the opportunity to wind down with a game of tennis or darts? If you're scratching your scalp, "No other game" is the answer to that question.
On the other hand - a hand stained with gunpowder, dried raccoon blood and stripper oil - we find it relentlessly grim and cynical, and its male-skewed viewpoint makes us feel a bit dirty (and not even dirty in a fun way). Having been raised in the wild by actual women, we're actually a bit embarrassed to play it.
"Get over yourselves!" we hear you cry. Well, our response to that is as follows: YOU get over YOURSELF!!!
GTA VI hasn’t been officially announced yet, but it’s probably fair to assume that it’s already in the works. And with that in mind, here are 299 things (5 things) we’d like to see from the next instalment of gaming's biggest, most controversial, Jeremy.
On the one hand - a hand that is clean, manicured and smells of nice soap - it makes a fair claim to being the best video game ever. Indeed, almost every department swells and excels, from the graphics, to the voice acting, to the script.
What other game lets you plan a jewel heist before giving you the opportunity to wind down with a game of tennis or darts? If you're scratching your scalp, "No other game" is the answer to that question.
On the other hand - a hand stained with gunpowder, dried raccoon blood and stripper oil - we find it relentlessly grim and cynical, and its male-skewed viewpoint makes us feel a bit dirty (and not even dirty in a fun way). Having been raised in the wild by actual women, we're actually a bit embarrassed to play it.
"Get over yourselves!" we hear you cry. Well, our response to that is as follows: YOU get over YOURSELF!!!
GTA VI hasn’t been officially announced yet, but it’s probably fair to assume that it’s already in the works. And with that in mind, here are 299 things (5 things) we’d like to see from the next instalment of gaming's biggest, most controversial, Jeremy.
AT LEAST ONE FEMALE PROTAGONIST
Yes yes yes - you knew this was coming, so we'll get it out of the way now.
The fact that every game in the GTA series thus far has you playing as awful chaps means that your interaction with its world is from a slightly questionable male perspective. And lest we forget that the game's writers are men too.
Pressure seems to be mounting for a female protagonist, but we worry that Rockstar's accountants and marketeers will steer them away from a female lead, for fear of it affecting sales in a real bad way.
However, we're confident that Dan Houser and his talented team or hirsute dramatists are capable of introducing a female main character who doesn't alienate the game's existing audience - and might actually open it up to new demographics.
However, if they can't offer us a female lead then we'd at least like to see a female voice on the writing team - one who might be able to temper that cocktail of snickering, testosterone and penis jokes. It might not be a bad idea from a PR perspective either.
Yes yes yes - you knew this was coming, so we'll get it out of the way now.
The fact that every game in the GTA series thus far has you playing as awful chaps means that your interaction with its world is from a slightly questionable male perspective. And lest we forget that the game's writers are men too.
Pressure seems to be mounting for a female protagonist, but we worry that Rockstar's accountants and marketeers will steer them away from a female lead, for fear of it affecting sales in a real bad way.
However, we're confident that Dan Houser and his talented team or hirsute dramatists are capable of introducing a female main character who doesn't alienate the game's existing audience - and might actually open it up to new demographics.
However, if they can't offer us a female lead then we'd at least like to see a female voice on the writing team - one who might be able to temper that cocktail of snickering, testosterone and penis jokes. It might not be a bad idea from a PR perspective either.
BETTER CONTROLS
There has always been something slightly off about the GTA control system, ever since the series moved into 3D. It has improved along the way, but still has a way to go.
It sometimes seems to us like the series has been a hit in spite of its controls.
It would be great to be able to drive down the streets without constantly clipping other cars or lampposts. Or enjoy a firefight without getting stuck to the scenery like everything in the world is made of Velcro. Or be able to actually drive and shoot without contorting our fingers into impossible shapes. Or not repeatedly forget which button is for running and which one is for the jumping and which one is for the ducking, because the default control scheme is completely non-instinctive.
Now that GTAV has finally wrapped its thighs around a first-person viewpoint, maybe the franchise could inhale a control system that's a bit more FPS-friendly too.
There has always been something slightly off about the GTA control system, ever since the series moved into 3D. It has improved along the way, but still has a way to go.
It sometimes seems to us like the series has been a hit in spite of its controls.
It would be great to be able to drive down the streets without constantly clipping other cars or lampposts. Or enjoy a firefight without getting stuck to the scenery like everything in the world is made of Velcro. Or be able to actually drive and shoot without contorting our fingers into impossible shapes. Or not repeatedly forget which button is for running and which one is for the jumping and which one is for the ducking, because the default control scheme is completely non-instinctive.
Now that GTAV has finally wrapped its thighs around a first-person viewpoint, maybe the franchise could inhale a control system that's a bit more FPS-friendly too.
A NEW SETTING
Obviously, we're going to be getting a new setting. Obviously.
But we'd like to see Rockstar take the series beyond the borders of the USA. Frankly, we can't think of another US city that's iconic enough on an international scale.
Just look at Watch Dogs - Chicago might be nice for a holiday, but it's a crushingly boring place to visit in a game. Likewise, the Seattle of Infamous: Second Son.
Plus, we just wonder whether their satire of American culture has, for now, gone as far as it can go. Many fans are clamouring for a return to GTA London, but - much as we'd like it for purely personal reasons - we're not convinced it'd fly. With its shallow buildings and tiny roads, we fear London would feel claustrophobic next to the more open streets and skyscrapers of San Andreas and Liberty City.
The most obvious overseas setting would be one inspired by Tokyo - or maybe even Moscow, or Beijing. Use Western protagonists, and you'd get your entry point for the game's fans. But please, father - please beware the racialist stereotypes!
Obviously, we're going to be getting a new setting. Obviously.
But we'd like to see Rockstar take the series beyond the borders of the USA. Frankly, we can't think of another US city that's iconic enough on an international scale.
Just look at Watch Dogs - Chicago might be nice for a holiday, but it's a crushingly boring place to visit in a game. Likewise, the Seattle of Infamous: Second Son.
Plus, we just wonder whether their satire of American culture has, for now, gone as far as it can go. Many fans are clamouring for a return to GTA London, but - much as we'd like it for purely personal reasons - we're not convinced it'd fly. With its shallow buildings and tiny roads, we fear London would feel claustrophobic next to the more open streets and skyscrapers of San Andreas and Liberty City.
The most obvious overseas setting would be one inspired by Tokyo - or maybe even Moscow, or Beijing. Use Western protagonists, and you'd get your entry point for the game's fans. But please, father - please beware the racialist stereotypes!
AN EVEN MORE INTERACTIVE WORLD
This might be a big ask given that GTAV boasts the most interactive game world of all time, but we'd love it if Rockstar can find a way to make some of those other buildings and businesses accessible.
In fact, were this any other game series, we probably wouldn't even be requesting this - but based upon the miracles Rockstar already manages to perform, we don't think it's beyond the realm of possibility.
Probably the area of GTAV which we felt was most missing this was the pier. Yes, it's nice and all that you can ride the roller coaster and the ferris wheel, for absolutely no good reason, but we really wanted to have a crack on those fairground stalls, and win a big teddy bear to give as a gift to one of the game's awful and unsympathetic female characters.
And while we're banging that drum again...
This might be a big ask given that GTAV boasts the most interactive game world of all time, but we'd love it if Rockstar can find a way to make some of those other buildings and businesses accessible.
In fact, were this any other game series, we probably wouldn't even be requesting this - but based upon the miracles Rockstar already manages to perform, we don't think it's beyond the realm of possibility.
Probably the area of GTAV which we felt was most missing this was the pier. Yes, it's nice and all that you can ride the roller coaster and the ferris wheel, for absolutely no good reason, but we really wanted to have a crack on those fairground stalls, and win a big teddy bear to give as a gift to one of the game's awful and unsympathetic female characters.
And while we're banging that drum again...
FEWER AWFUL CHARACTERS
We've complained about the lack of a female viewpoint, but it's true to say that there isn't really a single sympathetic character in GTAV - male or female.
They make stabs at it - Michael comes close, with his mid-life crisis and family issues, but the man is a career criminal and psychopath, who gets drawn back into the underworld because he's basically bored.
And yeah, alright, Trevor is weirdly protective towards women, but the rest of his wrong-headed morality hardly makes him role-model material. And Franklin is just a bit dull, a pretty shallow stereotype of an LA ghetto kid.
We might be getting soft, but we'd love to see a character go on more of an emotional journey. Someone who we're with from the off, who isn't irredeemably awful, who maybe does bad things for the right reasons, drawn into a seedy world despite their best efforts, through circumstance rather than because that's who they are.
Do these things, Rockstar. Do these things for us and we will do this for you: we will love you and kiss your arms.
We've complained about the lack of a female viewpoint, but it's true to say that there isn't really a single sympathetic character in GTAV - male or female.
They make stabs at it - Michael comes close, with his mid-life crisis and family issues, but the man is a career criminal and psychopath, who gets drawn back into the underworld because he's basically bored.
And yeah, alright, Trevor is weirdly protective towards women, but the rest of his wrong-headed morality hardly makes him role-model material. And Franklin is just a bit dull, a pretty shallow stereotype of an LA ghetto kid.
We might be getting soft, but we'd love to see a character go on more of an emotional journey. Someone who we're with from the off, who isn't irredeemably awful, who maybe does bad things for the right reasons, drawn into a seedy world despite their best efforts, through circumstance rather than because that's who they are.
Do these things, Rockstar. Do these things for us and we will do this for you: we will love you and kiss your arms.
Yo dawgs (and all other people). Word up and respect to each and every one of you. I'm the rapper Xzibit, whose purpose it is to pimp your rides. I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but the reason you've not seen me on telly much recently is because I've been suffering from a bad case of da runs.
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