Well, staple my stomach to a goitre and roll me into a sitar stand. I'm so angry this week I could pass a stool. And when I say "stool", I literally mean one of those three-legged chairs. Hnng.
As I've previously complained, one of the things I hate more than almost all other things - more than genocide, hatred, and hatred among theatregoers ("theatred") - is video game cover art.
I dunno why, but it's generally so uninspired and lacking that it reduces me to a seething broth of adrenaline and punching.
With the thighs of the new year still freshly-wrapped around our necks, it's time to descend once more into The Pit of Loathing, and give a good kicking to some of the coming year's most highly anticipated games. HNNNNNNG!
As I've previously complained, one of the things I hate more than almost all other things - more than genocide, hatred, and hatred among theatregoers ("theatred") - is video game cover art.
I dunno why, but it's generally so uninspired and lacking that it reduces me to a seething broth of adrenaline and punching.
With the thighs of the new year still freshly-wrapped around our necks, it's time to descend once more into The Pit of Loathing, and give a good kicking to some of the coming year's most highly anticipated games. HNNNNNNG!
THE WITCHER III: WILD HUNT
The biggest issue with the cover of The Witcher III is that it's so nondescript I'm struggling for something to say about it. And that's precisely why it offends: if mediocrity were a crime, those responsible for this would be locked up in The Tower, and have red-hot cobs inserted into their dents.
How long do you reckon it took them to come up with the "concept" of this cover? Two minutes? A minute?
"Yeah. It's alright. But... can't we give him glowing eyes, or something?"
"Alright. How's that?"
"Yeah, that'll do. That's probably fine now."
The biggest issue with the cover of The Witcher III is that it's so nondescript I'm struggling for something to say about it. And that's precisely why it offends: if mediocrity were a crime, those responsible for this would be locked up in The Tower, and have red-hot cobs inserted into their dents.
How long do you reckon it took them to come up with the "concept" of this cover? Two minutes? A minute?
"Yeah. It's alright. But... can't we give him glowing eyes, or something?"
"Alright. How's that?"
"Yeah, that'll do. That's probably fine now."
THE ORDER: 1886
Look: it's some sepia olde-timey guys, and a sepia olde-timey woman. And what's that in the hand of the sepia olde-timey guy at the front there?
Is it a collection of brass pipes? Or some sort of slimline oil radiator? Is this a game about Victorian plumbing, perhaps?
It's impossible to tell, because some idiot thought it would be a good idea to slap the game's logo over the one bit of the image which might suggest this game is about more than just posing for photographs in the 1800s.
Look: it's some sepia olde-timey guys, and a sepia olde-timey woman. And what's that in the hand of the sepia olde-timey guy at the front there?
Is it a collection of brass pipes? Or some sort of slimline oil radiator? Is this a game about Victorian plumbing, perhaps?
It's impossible to tell, because some idiot thought it would be a good idea to slap the game's logo over the one bit of the image which might suggest this game is about more than just posing for photographs in the 1800s.
EVOLVE
Firstly, that logo is horrible. It looks like someone made it with a potato stamper.
Secondly, on first glance that image looks like some upside down guy in a hazmat suit, without a head, sinking into a tar pit.
Thirdly, who knows what the game might be about from this? Fossils? Collecting fossils? Is it a game about fossils? I really hope it's a game about fossils!
Lastly, just a suggestion, but if you want your game cover to stand out amid the crowd, maybe choose some colours other than black, grey, and other shades of grey.
Firstly, that logo is horrible. It looks like someone made it with a potato stamper.
Secondly, on first glance that image looks like some upside down guy in a hazmat suit, without a head, sinking into a tar pit.
Thirdly, who knows what the game might be about from this? Fossils? Collecting fossils? Is it a game about fossils? I really hope it's a game about fossils!
Lastly, just a suggestion, but if you want your game cover to stand out amid the crowd, maybe choose some colours other than black, grey, and other shades of grey.
DARK SOULS II: SCHOLAR OF THE FIRST SIN
Evidently, this is some sort of Harry Potter spin-off, as it's clearly a game starring the erstwhile half-giant Maigret (Hagrid), as played by the Rabbi Coltrane.
But wait! What's Hagrid holding in his hands there? Is it a cabbage? A chimpanzee's skull? A WWE belt?
We don't really know - but we bet Judas Priest wish they'd thought of it first.
Evidently, this is some sort of Harry Potter spin-off, as it's clearly a game starring the erstwhile half-giant Maigret (Hagrid), as played by the Rabbi Coltrane.
But wait! What's Hagrid holding in his hands there? Is it a cabbage? A chimpanzee's skull? A WWE belt?
We don't really know - but we bet Judas Priest wish they'd thought of it first.
DEAD ISLAND 2
Check it out, everyone! Duke Nukem is attacking a meth addict with that decorative mulberry bush!
Oh wait - that's not a mulberry bush. It's a giant Chupa-Chup covered in a swarm of cockroaches. And that's not a meth addict - it's Billy Zane.
At least this artwork is clean and to the point, and does the job of telling you exactly what this game is - basically more of the same as the first Dead Island.
IE: not something you'd ever want to play, unless you happened to be the biggest idiot on earth.
Check it out, everyone! Duke Nukem is attacking a meth addict with that decorative mulberry bush!
Oh wait - that's not a mulberry bush. It's a giant Chupa-Chup covered in a swarm of cockroaches. And that's not a meth addict - it's Billy Zane.
At least this artwork is clean and to the point, and does the job of telling you exactly what this game is - basically more of the same as the first Dead Island.
IE: not something you'd ever want to play, unless you happened to be the biggest idiot on earth.
PROJECT CARS
It's important to point out the comically lacklustre name for this game about cars.
Do we reckon "Project Cars" was written down on a memo at the start of the development process, and they just forgot to think of something better?
And now let us reflect upon the artwork, which doesn't even feature any cars, and looks like a late-90s flyer for a nightclub, as designed by a sixth-former for his graphic design coursework.
Congratulations, imbeciles: you're reasonable at Photoshop.
It's important to point out the comically lacklustre name for this game about cars.
Do we reckon "Project Cars" was written down on a memo at the start of the development process, and they just forgot to think of something better?
And now let us reflect upon the artwork, which doesn't even feature any cars, and looks like a late-90s flyer for a nightclub, as designed by a sixth-former for his graphic design coursework.
Congratulations, imbeciles: you're reasonable at Photoshop.
BLOODBORNE
It's difficult to tell who the guy in the trench coat is - it's either Batman or Keith Flint from The Prodigy.
Either way, he appears to be on his way home from the breakers yard, as he's carrying a couple of bits of old car engine - I think that's an exhaust in his right hand, and part of a gearbox in his left.
And it looks like he's taken a shortcut through the local graveyard.
I truly can't wait to play the game, and have my chance to fit the parts to his car, which - I am assuming, from this artwork - is the entire point of the game. Pity's sake.
THE VIEWS OF FAT SOW DO NOT NECESSARILY COINCIDE WITH DIGITISER'S OWN.
It's difficult to tell who the guy in the trench coat is - it's either Batman or Keith Flint from The Prodigy.
Either way, he appears to be on his way home from the breakers yard, as he's carrying a couple of bits of old car engine - I think that's an exhaust in his right hand, and part of a gearbox in his left.
And it looks like he's taken a shortcut through the local graveyard.
I truly can't wait to play the game, and have my chance to fit the parts to his car, which - I am assuming, from this artwork - is the entire point of the game. Pity's sake.
THE VIEWS OF FAT SOW DO NOT NECESSARILY COINCIDE WITH DIGITISER'S OWN.
RSS Feed
