Does anyone ever stop to look at videogame box art? No? Well, they really should – because it’s almost always utterly, and irredeemably, abominable. It might be technically accomplished - big deal, Piccasshole: we can all pick up a pen - but the industry still seems to be appealing to profound idiots who wouldn't know what art was if it gave them an electric enema. Where is the game's industry's Nevermind? Or Sergeant Pepper? Or Unknown Pleasures?
Seriously; go and have a look at Amazon’s Top 100 games chart (if you can stomach thinking about how much more tax you probably pay than those responsibility-free slavemasters). Does anything stand out as an actual art done good? Or are they just trying to sell you something with the minimum amount of creativity, because they think you're an ignorant prole?
Let’s have a rundown, and see how hated you are:
Oh, I get it. Baseball cap... leather trench coat... gun... smartphone... So THIS is what a middle-aged gaming executive thinks a cool hacker guy looks like. Thanks for clearing that up.
And what’s this? You’ve put your generic, boring character against a generic, boring, rain slicked city? Congratulations. You must be very proud of yourself. How ever did you come up with the idea to riff on Blade Runner?
What's next for your midlife crisis? Turning up to work in trainers and a poncho, and starting your own YouTube vlog? I see. Apparently, you already do that, and you have 317 subscribers.
Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare
Here's something nobody has ever seen before: a sweaty, crop-haired, soldier hunk in some sort of dusty, sepia-toned landscape.
This is so generic your mind actually fails to notice the sole interesting element: he’s wearing an exoskeleton.
Sorry - my mistake. That's not remotely interesting. It looks more like he's been to visit some sort of elaborate, goth art jeweller.
The very definition of "That'll do"...
Basically, the same picture they had on all the previous FIFA boxes.
Pokemon Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire
Confusing, primary-coloured monsters. It's the artistic equivalent of rattling a tin of chickpeas to get the attention of a mewling infant.
Assassin’s Creed Unity
Well just look at that: some olde worlde hoodie men. It's almost like they're worried people won't buy their game if they think it's got an entirely historical basis.
Actual historical people are boring apparently: we must make our characters look more like the sort of men teenage girls fantasise about meeting at bus stops.
God forbid anyone would ever release a game which didn't feature some Cool Hunks. This suggests the game is basically Les Mis meets The Chippendales meets Dapper Laughs.
Is it bad that when I look at the guillotine in the background I imagine it chopping off the top half of their ghastly heads?
Far Cry 4
A man in a shiny pink suit, sitting in a chair, looking like he’s about to pass judgement on someone. If I wanted to see that sort of thing I’d watch Saturday night television.
Super Smash Bros
This one's like some fan art suffered a crippling migraine, and fell out of a window into a skip full of discarded hospital sharps.
The Sims 4
As if you’d just walked into somebody else’s family party, and everyone there is someone you'd like to punch about the throat and mouth.
And they'd probably deserve it.
Football Manager 2015
So. Let's get this straight (so to speak)... You thought this was suitable artwork for your football management simulator did you?
Two excited young men in shorts, looking over at an older gentleman dressed in a suit, who has both fists raised?
Everyone knows that football is the most homoerotic of all the sports, but still...
For once, words fail me...
FAT SOW'S VIEWS DO NOT NECESSARY COINCIDE WITH DIGITISER'S OWN.