We don't know if it's because we're still in January, but - as you may have gathered - we're struggling to find anything remotely interesting to report on this week. Consequently, the time has arisen that we've taken to writing our own news. And it is happening below...
NEW NINTENDO CONSOLE NEWS!!!!
Though it has been rumoured for a month or two, Nintendo is already hard at work on its next generation of gaming hardware. The third console to be part of its Wii family, Nintendo is hoping that the 'Wii Ayyy' will compound the confusion many have felt while using the Wii U, by further over-complicating its hardware.
The new system's controller will be a three-screen behemoth, which players must attach to themselves using a spiked metal chain.
The tri-input gamepads will hang from the chain, roughly at the height of the player's waist, allowing users to control games using a combination of weary eye-rolls, unwanted intestinal gurgling, and needlessly provocative hip-thrusts. What's more, adjusting a slider on the right of the controller will cause Nintendo's killer app to protrude or withdraw from the top: a built-in mobile phone and music playing device endorsed by TV sitcom leatherman The "Fonz".
The so-called 'Ayyy-Phone' will resemble a small, 1950s-stlye jukebox, which layers will be able to switch on by thumping it with their fist in a cool and cocksure fashion.
Speaking at the unveiling of the Wii Ayyy, Sony boss Kaz Hirai said: "Soon I will be eating a glove - just you wait and see!".
He was swiftly removed by Nintendo's security.
Though it has been rumoured for a month or two, Nintendo is already hard at work on its next generation of gaming hardware. The third console to be part of its Wii family, Nintendo is hoping that the 'Wii Ayyy' will compound the confusion many have felt while using the Wii U, by further over-complicating its hardware.
The new system's controller will be a three-screen behemoth, which players must attach to themselves using a spiked metal chain.
The tri-input gamepads will hang from the chain, roughly at the height of the player's waist, allowing users to control games using a combination of weary eye-rolls, unwanted intestinal gurgling, and needlessly provocative hip-thrusts. What's more, adjusting a slider on the right of the controller will cause Nintendo's killer app to protrude or withdraw from the top: a built-in mobile phone and music playing device endorsed by TV sitcom leatherman The "Fonz".
The so-called 'Ayyy-Phone' will resemble a small, 1950s-stlye jukebox, which layers will be able to switch on by thumping it with their fist in a cool and cocksure fashion.
Speaking at the unveiling of the Wii Ayyy, Sony boss Kaz Hirai said: "Soon I will be eating a glove - just you wait and see!".
He was swiftly removed by Nintendo's security.
MICROSOFT REVAMPS THE KINECT NEWS!!!!!
Though Microsoft may have been forced to back away from its Kinect last year, the company isn't giving up on its controversial motion-sensing hardware, and has just revealed plans for a third incarnation of the Xbox One camera thing.
The new Kinect 3.0 sits beneath your television, and will for all intents and purposes be a genetically modified Portuguese man-o-war, with a single, all-seeing eye, that reports back to Microsoft HQ on all of its owners' behaviour via SnapChat.
If players attempt to remove or kill the new Kinect, the man-o-war will begin shouting in Portuguese, and sweeping its stinging tentacles back and forth across the floor.
Microsoft's corporate vice president Phil Harrison had this to say: "We're pretty sure that players will establish more of an emotional connection with the Kinect 3.0 than they have with the previous iterations. That was the philosophy behind building it around a living creature, albeit one that's the product of dubious genetic experimentation, is in enormous amounts of pain at all times, and which poses a threat to the health and safety of our much-loved Xbox One owners."
Though Microsoft may have been forced to back away from its Kinect last year, the company isn't giving up on its controversial motion-sensing hardware, and has just revealed plans for a third incarnation of the Xbox One camera thing.
The new Kinect 3.0 sits beneath your television, and will for all intents and purposes be a genetically modified Portuguese man-o-war, with a single, all-seeing eye, that reports back to Microsoft HQ on all of its owners' behaviour via SnapChat.
If players attempt to remove or kill the new Kinect, the man-o-war will begin shouting in Portuguese, and sweeping its stinging tentacles back and forth across the floor.
Microsoft's corporate vice president Phil Harrison had this to say: "We're pretty sure that players will establish more of an emotional connection with the Kinect 3.0 than they have with the previous iterations. That was the philosophy behind building it around a living creature, albeit one that's the product of dubious genetic experimentation, is in enormous amounts of pain at all times, and which poses a threat to the health and safety of our much-loved Xbox One owners."
SONY BOSS EATS GLOVE NEWS!!!!
Sony Kazuo "Kazzz" Hirai has made good on his promise to eat, and digest, a child's glove.
Early last year, Hirai publicly stated that he would consume a glove or mitten if the performance of the PlayStation 4 matched the expectations he had in his mind. Hirai didn't go into specifics as to whether the expectations were good or bad, but he went through with his pledge during a small ceremony in the car lot at Sony's Tokyo HQ.
While kneeling down, surrounded by a dozen or so Sony employees, Hirai said: "I do this now for the children of the earth, so that they may see that Sony boss Kazuo Hirai will never let them down."
He then spent the next 40 or so minutes eating the glove, after instructing his employees to perform a slow, rhythmic clapping and vocalise a low, disconsolate drone that synchronised with his chewing and lip-smacks.
Sony Kazuo "Kazzz" Hirai has made good on his promise to eat, and digest, a child's glove.
Early last year, Hirai publicly stated that he would consume a glove or mitten if the performance of the PlayStation 4 matched the expectations he had in his mind. Hirai didn't go into specifics as to whether the expectations were good or bad, but he went through with his pledge during a small ceremony in the car lot at Sony's Tokyo HQ.
While kneeling down, surrounded by a dozen or so Sony employees, Hirai said: "I do this now for the children of the earth, so that they may see that Sony boss Kazuo Hirai will never let them down."
He then spent the next 40 or so minutes eating the glove, after instructing his employees to perform a slow, rhythmic clapping and vocalise a low, disconsolate drone that synchronised with his chewing and lip-smacks.
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