WOLFENSTEIN: THE PREQUEL
After it got off to a somewhat underwhelming start, we gradually came to love Wolfenstein: The New Order. For such an ostensibly cartoonish shoot 'em up, it was surprisingly smart, and did much right. This is why it pleases us to hear that a standalone PC, Xbox One and PS4 prequel is due to drop imminently.
Wolfenstein: The Old Blood arrives on May 5th, priced at a budget £14.99. Set in 1946, and leading directly into its parent title, the game will be split into two parts - ‘Rudi Jäger and the Den of Wolves’ and ‘The Dark Secrets of Helga Von Schabbs’.
After it got off to a somewhat underwhelming start, we gradually came to love Wolfenstein: The New Order. For such an ostensibly cartoonish shoot 'em up, it was surprisingly smart, and did much right. This is why it pleases us to hear that a standalone PC, Xbox One and PS4 prequel is due to drop imminently.
Wolfenstein: The Old Blood arrives on May 5th, priced at a budget £14.99. Set in 1946, and leading directly into its parent title, the game will be split into two parts - ‘Rudi Jäger and the Den of Wolves’ and ‘The Dark Secrets of Helga Von Schabbs’.
"Wolfenwhat? Sorry, mate - can't hear you over the noise of the fryer. Wolfen-what-did-you-say? Wolfenstein? What's that then? It's a game is it? Nah, don't know nothing about games I don't.
"Like I even have time for stuff like that with this new fryer anyway. It's one of them digital ones with a thermostat cut-off, and I'm buggered if I know how it works, or - OI! Oi - what did I say to you last time? I said one chip-fork per customer. Put them other ones back. Bloody liberty. Did you see that? He just reached in and took a handful. Unbelievable."
"Like I even have time for stuff like that with this new fryer anyway. It's one of them digital ones with a thermostat cut-off, and I'm buggered if I know how it works, or - OI! Oi - what did I say to you last time? I said one chip-fork per customer. Put them other ones back. Bloody liberty. Did you see that? He just reached in and took a handful. Unbelievable."
PS4: LOTS SOLD
Sony has announced that the PlayStation 4 continues to out-perform its current-gen rivals: over 20 million units have been sold worldwide to date. At the last count - which was, admittedly, back in November - the Xbox One had sold just 10 million.
Sony Computer Entertainment boss Andrew House croaked: "We are so grateful for the enormous support from PlayStation fans worldwide, and we are truly humbled that gamers around the globe have continued to select PS4 as the best place to play,"
Sony has announced that the PlayStation 4 continues to out-perform its current-gen rivals: over 20 million units have been sold worldwide to date. At the last count - which was, admittedly, back in November - the Xbox One had sold just 10 million.
Sony Computer Entertainment boss Andrew House croaked: "We are so grateful for the enormous support from PlayStation fans worldwide, and we are truly humbled that gamers around the globe have continued to select PS4 as the best place to play,"
"20 million did you say? That's a lot innit. Imagine if I sold 20 million portions of chips. I wouldn't have to work again. Still, then I'd be stuck with him indoors getting under me feet, and making his stupid matchstick models.
"Here, listen to this - the other week he said to me, he says: 'Can you bring home a couple of chip forks, 'coz I needs 'em for the top of me Eiffel Tower?'. What's he think - I'm made of bloody chip forks? He's as bad as the bloody rest of 'em. Chip forks don't grow on trees... Yes, I know they're made of wood."
"Here, listen to this - the other week he said to me, he says: 'Can you bring home a couple of chip forks, 'coz I needs 'em for the top of me Eiffel Tower?'. What's he think - I'm made of bloody chip forks? He's as bad as the bloody rest of 'em. Chip forks don't grow on trees... Yes, I know they're made of wood."
UNREAL ENGINE 4: FREE TO ALL
Epic Games has axed its Unreal Engine 4 subscription service, and made the games development toolset completely free to everyone. Instead, Epic will take a 5 per cent cut from revenue beyond the first $3,000 earned – per product that uses the engine, every three months. Or something. Zzzz.
Epic Games boss Tim Sweeney bruxed: "The state of Unreal is strong, and we’ve realized that as we take away barriers, more people are able to fulfil their creative visions and shape the future of the medium we love."
Epic Games has axed its Unreal Engine 4 subscription service, and made the games development toolset completely free to everyone. Instead, Epic will take a 5 per cent cut from revenue beyond the first $3,000 earned – per product that uses the engine, every three months. Or something. Zzzz.
Epic Games boss Tim Sweeney bruxed: "The state of Unreal is strong, and we’ve realized that as we take away barriers, more people are able to fulfil their creative visions and shape the future of the medium we love."
"Yeah, lovely, it'd be nice to be so rich you can give your stuff away for free. Chance'd be a fine thing. I'm on me bleedin' mockers as it. The new fryer alone was over five grand - not that I even know how to work the bleeding thing.
"And what with all the chip forks going missing, and him at home sitting on his backside watching Doctors and playing with his matchsticks, well... I ain't being funny, but sometimes you wonder what the point of it all is. Some days I look at that bubbling chip fat and just wonder... I just think to myself what it'd be like to stick my head in...
"NAH! Only kidding! Ha ha! Your face. Seriously. Ha ha ha! You should've seen yourself. Like I'm gonna stick my head in a load of boiling chip fat! You got any idea how much that'd hurt? Mate, that'd bloody kill it would! Your face. Priceless."
"And what with all the chip forks going missing, and him at home sitting on his backside watching Doctors and playing with his matchsticks, well... I ain't being funny, but sometimes you wonder what the point of it all is. Some days I look at that bubbling chip fat and just wonder... I just think to myself what it'd be like to stick my head in...
"NAH! Only kidding! Ha ha! Your face. Seriously. Ha ha ha! You should've seen yourself. Like I'm gonna stick my head in a load of boiling chip fat! You got any idea how much that'd hurt? Mate, that'd bloody kill it would! Your face. Priceless."
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