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EXCITING GAME NEWS! With Comments by A Poorly Researched Pirate

5/5/2015

5 Comments

 
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BANJO-KAZOOIE RETURNS?
A game described as the spiritual successor to Banjo-Kazooie has raised almost £1.4 million on Kickstarter in just four of your earth days. 

Yooka-Laylee - developed by the UK-based "creative talent behind Banjo-Kazooie and Donkey Kong Country", now operating under the name Playtonic - will feature a bat and chameleon double act at its core, boasting a similar dual-character play mechanic and visual style to the classic Banjo games. 

As a result of blasting through its stretch goals, Yooka-Laylee has also been confirmed as a multi-format release, and will - as a bonus feature - include a "Nintendo 64-style" graphics mode.

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A POORLY RESEARCHED PIRATE SAYS: "Ahoy, me hotties! I be very interested in this game, see. It features a bat and a chameleon, and on our pirate ships - called gullions they were - we mostly ate bats and chameleons. We kept 'em in plastic buckets, we did. We used to boil them bats and chameleons up in big bronze cauldrons, and made a hearty stew of 'em. We called it Steve's Super Stew. 

"Yaaarrrr! See, Steve was our cook and concubine. When he wasn't working, we used to keep him locked up on the poop deck, due to his unpleasant habit of public expurgation. Shave me timbres, Stevie! Yaarb!"


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BANJO-KAZOOIE RETURNS?
Talking of Banjo-Kazooie, as someone was a minute ago, Rare - the studio behind the seminal N64 platformer, now owned by Microsoft - is due to reveal a big new game at next month's E3 show, according to reports. 

Rumours swirl that it could be an official sequel to Banjo-Kazooie (which would certainly take the wind out of Playtonic's sails... or, indeed, sales), or a new Battletoads game. 

Or maybe it's a new Kinect Sports title, which we're sure most of us will be keeping our fingers crossed for...

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A POORLY RESEARCHED PIRATE SAYS: "Yaarrrrrrrrr! I once had the wind taken out of me sails on me pirate boat I did. We used to have a machine that pumped artificial wind into our bullion sails which made them flap, and the flapping generated thrust, and one day it broke, because our First Mate forgot to put eight pieces of money in the meter. Yarrrrrrt!

"We all had to put on inflatable, floaty pirate shoes, so we could get out of the boat and push. Four men drowned. Blow that man down, buddy, oh blow that man down! Wahey the Anchor Butter, and hoist the miserable mast! Yarrrrrrrrrph!"


SONY KICKS ENFEEBLED MICROSOFT'S BUTTOCKS?
Sony's games division has posted record operating profits of $404 million, thanks to surging sales of the PlayStation 4.  Nearly 15 million PS4s were sold in the past year, 2 million of them in the UK. Sony is predicting that a further 16 million PS4s will be sold over the next 12 months. 

By contrast, Microsoft's Xbox profits are down 24% year-on-year, due in part to lower hardware prices. Overall, Microsoft posted a 12% drop in profits for the first three months of 2015.
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A POORLY RESEARCHED PIRATE SAYS: "Yaaaaaargle! Don't talk to me about lowering me profits. We pirates are always forgetting where we put our operating profits. In pirate world, our profits take the form of so-called 'golden double-uns', which we hide in a wooden box that we bury in a field.

"Trouble is, because of all the gin and tonic we pirates drink, we're always forgetting where we bury it. Heavie-hough! Yrrrrrraaarrrrrrrrrve!!"

5 Comments
The School Boy
5/5/2015 10:04:29 am

What's a concubine, then?

Reply
Mr Biffo
5/5/2015 10:19:42 am

A small, spiky mammal.

Reply
The School Boy
5/5/2015 12:53:08 pm

Nah, that's a hedgehog.

Bruce Flagpole
5/5/2015 01:12:08 pm

Nah. That's a wife...

McPloppy
6/5/2015 11:17:36 am

Your Mum.

Reply



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