"What's that? Apple? What's that then when it's at home? An eye-phone? A phone for the eyes? How's that work then? Not that I'd know anything about it even if you did 'splain it. I just work in a chip shop I do. Yeah - and, yeah, don't put your fingers in the wooden fork dispenser like that, mate. Cheers. God bless ya."
Sending shockwaves around the world, Apple has raised the minimum price of apps on its App Store from 69p to 79p. According to Wired, the price "hike" is a consequence of a new Europe-wide tax arrangement, which came into effect on the 1st of January, and affects the sale of all digital productszzzzzzzzZZZZzzz... zzz... ZzzZzz...
...zzz... zzzZZZZZzzzzZZzzz... Huh? Whassa? Father? Father, is that you? Father, why are you wearing a special harness, with an integral furrow? Is it to catch the meat drippings from that juicy pie you're eating, father...? Oh! Oh, father! You are fading.... fading... fading awaaaaay... do not leave me again, father! Fatherrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!
As is the natural way of things, the Twitterati were all up in arms and stuff about Apple's shocking money grab - outraged at having to spend an extra 10p to play the latest Flappy Bird clone.
This isn't the first time Apple has annoyed people with its tax-related behaviours. The evil mega-corporation has previously come under fire for allegedly aggressive tax-avoidance practices, and spitting in a cat's face before shouting "TAX!
"When I get home me other half says to me 'God, you smell like chip steam'. And I says to him 'Yeah, I know I smell like steam and I bloody love it. I bloody love all that boiling chip fat steam getting in me hair and clothes. Now shut your fat face, you manky tosser, and run us a bath'. Oi! For the last time - off the forks! You only need one."
In further exciting news, Nintendo has announced that it is pulling out of the Brazilian retail market, according to... well, everyone really.
The company has cited high import duties, and... no, sorry. It's just too tedious to continue with.
As reported by the entirety of the online gaming media, desperate for something, anything, to say in this crushingly monotonous, bromidic, interminable month, a boring thing has happened in the games industry in recent days, and was reported on boringly.
This boring thing can be summed up with some of the following boring statistics and figures: 56.456%; $549,000,000; 00.00121(a)34€%.
"What's that you sayin'? Nintendo, mate? Nah, wouldn't know nothing about no Nintendo. I just work in a chip shop I do. Just know about chips. Yeah, don't touch the forks, mate. I ain't tryin' to be funny, but if you only need one, just take one. Don't play with 'em, yeah?"
Speaking to Gamespot, Origin MD Kevin Wasielewski has revealed that Valve has finalised the design of its Steam controller.
The controller, designed to be used with Valve's long-in-development Steam Maching gaming device, which is... due to be unveiled at... the forthcoming... Game Designers Conference... is - according to Wasabilewinski - due to enter production, and... no... MAKE IT STOP! MAKE THE BORINGNESS STOP!!!!! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY!! IT"S SO SOUL-DESTROYINGLY BORING!!!!!