CHIP SHOP MAN SAYS: "What's that mate? Apples? Nah, never eat 'em. I just work in chip shop I do, mate. Just eat chips. Wouldn't know much about apples. Just chips really.
"What's that? Apple? What's that then when it's at home? An eye-phone? A phone for the eyes? How's that work then? Not that I'd know anything about it even if you did 'splain it. I just work in a chip shop I do. Yeah - and, yeah, don't put your fingers in the wooden fork dispenser like that, mate. Cheers. God bless ya."
"What's that? Apple? What's that then when it's at home? An eye-phone? A phone for the eyes? How's that work then? Not that I'd know anything about it even if you did 'splain it. I just work in a chip shop I do. Yeah - and, yeah, don't put your fingers in the wooden fork dispenser like that, mate. Cheers. God bless ya."
APPLE RAISES PRICES
Sending shockwaves around the world, Apple has raised the minimum price of apps on its App Store from 69p to 79p. According to Wired, the price "hike" is a consequence of a new Europe-wide tax arrangement, which came into effect on the 1st of January, and affects the sale of all digital productszzzzzzzzZZZZzzz... zzz... ZzzZzz...
...zzz... zzzZZZZZzzzzZZzzz... Huh? Whassa? Father? Father, is that you? Father, why are you wearing a special harness, with an integral furrow? Is it to catch the meat drippings from that juicy pie you're eating, father...? Oh! Oh, father! You are fading.... fading... fading awaaaaay... do not leave me again, father! Fatherrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!
As is the natural way of things, the Twitterati were all up in arms and stuff about Apple's shocking money grab - outraged at having to spend an extra 10p to play the latest Flappy Bird clone.
This isn't the first time Apple has annoyed people with its tax-related behaviours. The evil mega-corporation has previously come under fire for allegedly aggressive tax-avoidance practices, and spitting in a cat's face before shouting "TAX!
Sending shockwaves around the world, Apple has raised the minimum price of apps on its App Store from 69p to 79p. According to Wired, the price "hike" is a consequence of a new Europe-wide tax arrangement, which came into effect on the 1st of January, and affects the sale of all digital productszzzzzzzzZZZZzzz... zzz... ZzzZzz...
...zzz... zzzZZZZZzzzzZZzzz... Huh? Whassa? Father? Father, is that you? Father, why are you wearing a special harness, with an integral furrow? Is it to catch the meat drippings from that juicy pie you're eating, father...? Oh! Oh, father! You are fading.... fading... fading awaaaaay... do not leave me again, father! Fatherrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!
As is the natural way of things, the Twitterati were all up in arms and stuff about Apple's shocking money grab - outraged at having to spend an extra 10p to play the latest Flappy Bird clone.
This isn't the first time Apple has annoyed people with its tax-related behaviours. The evil mega-corporation has previously come under fire for allegedly aggressive tax-avoidance practices, and spitting in a cat's face before shouting "TAX!
CHIP SHOP MAN SAYS: "Seriously, mate, I ain't being funny - but if everyone comes in here and just helps themselves to multiple forks, or starts playing with 'em, it's gonna have to come out of our profits. You only need one. You don't need to take fifteen. Seriously, that's taking the piss that is. I don't care if you think they only cost about a penny each - that ain't the point. Off the forks or get out."
CHIP SHOP MAN SAYS: "Yeah, we get lots of the old steam in the chip shop we do. Bloody steams up like a dry cleaners in here some days.
"When I get home me other half says to me 'God, you smell like chip steam'. And I says to him 'Yeah, I know I smell like steam and I bloody love it. I bloody love all that boiling chip fat steam getting in me hair and clothes. Now shut your fat face, you manky tosser, and run us a bath'. Oi! For the last time - off the forks! You only need one."
"When I get home me other half says to me 'God, you smell like chip steam'. And I says to him 'Yeah, I know I smell like steam and I bloody love it. I bloody love all that boiling chip fat steam getting in me hair and clothes. Now shut your fat face, you manky tosser, and run us a bath'. Oi! For the last time - off the forks! You only need one."
NINTENDO DEPARTS BRAZIL
In further exciting news, Nintendo has announced that it is pulling out of the Brazilian retail market, according to... well, everyone really.
The company has cited high import duties, and... no, sorry. It's just too tedious to continue with.
In further exciting news, Nintendo has announced that it is pulling out of the Brazilian retail market, according to... well, everyone really.
The company has cited high import duties, and... no, sorry. It's just too tedious to continue with.
BORING THING HAPPENS IN BORING GAMES INDUSTRY
As reported by the entirety of the online gaming media, desperate for something, anything, to say in this crushingly monotonous, bromidic, interminable month, a boring thing has happened in the games industry in recent days, and was reported on boringly.
This boring thing can be summed up with some of the following boring statistics and figures: 56.456%; $549,000,000; 00.00121(a)34€%.
As reported by the entirety of the online gaming media, desperate for something, anything, to say in this crushingly monotonous, bromidic, interminable month, a boring thing has happened in the games industry in recent days, and was reported on boringly.
This boring thing can be summed up with some of the following boring statistics and figures: 56.456%; $549,000,000; 00.00121(a)34€%.
CHIP SHOP MAN SAYS: "I had a mate who went to Brazil for the World Cup last year. Told me he couldn't get a decent bag of chips nowhere. Said all the chips were all made out of - whassit? Plaintains or somefin. They're like sweet potatoes meet bananas them plantains, or so he said.
"What's that you sayin'? Nintendo, mate? Nah, wouldn't know nothing about no Nintendo. I just work in a chip shop I do. Just know about chips. Yeah, don't touch the forks, mate. I ain't tryin' to be funny, but if you only need one, just take one. Don't play with 'em, yeah?"
"What's that you sayin'? Nintendo, mate? Nah, wouldn't know nothing about no Nintendo. I just work in a chip shop I do. Just know about chips. Yeah, don't touch the forks, mate. I ain't tryin' to be funny, but if you only need one, just take one. Don't play with 'em, yeah?"
STEAM FINALISES CONTROLLER
Speaking to Gamespot, Origin MD Kevin Wasielewski has revealed that Valve has finalised the design of its Steam controller.
The controller, designed to be used with Valve's long-in-development Steam Maching gaming device, which is... due to be unveiled at... the forthcoming... Game Designers Conference... is - according to Wasabilewinski - due to enter production, and... no... MAKE IT STOP! MAKE THE BORINGNESS STOP!!!!! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY!! IT"S SO SOUL-DESTROYINGLY BORING!!!!!
Speaking to Gamespot, Origin MD Kevin Wasielewski has revealed that Valve has finalised the design of its Steam controller.
The controller, designed to be used with Valve's long-in-development Steam Maching gaming device, which is... due to be unveiled at... the forthcoming... Game Designers Conference... is - according to Wasabilewinski - due to enter production, and... no... MAKE IT STOP! MAKE THE BORINGNESS STOP!!!!! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY!! IT"S SO SOUL-DESTROYINGLY BORING!!!!!
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