The self-publishing listicle from earlier this week was too much fun not to do it all over again.
So we're doing it all over again.
Here's another trawl through the bizarre/poorly sub-edited underbelly of so-called vanity publishing.
Brace yourselves... as several of these book titles aren't entirely safe for work... Unless you work in a very liberal environment, that is.
CALLED TO DUTY by Capri Montgomery
"Alexander and his military team are completely out of their element when they go from fighting in a modern day war to being the Hail Mary of an ancient one. Will their honor, valor and skill help the Nubians win a war against a murderous Pharaoh? Or will a displacement in time cost these men their life?"
BEWARE OF THE BIG BROWN BUM OF THE COSMOS by Peter Elude
"Im known as Peter the Busker or Busker Peter, I ride a Chopper Pedle Bike with a trailer and I play a Yamaha P60 and Im Touring in Germany performing in the street. The reason I am Touring in Germany is because I am an Artist, I support myself by Busking. If you want to hire me to perform somewhere or record somewhere. 6000 Euros is my fee.
"I suggest you read all my books and then you will understand why I charge 6000 Euros for a performance. If you haven't got the time to read my books, then please dont call me and don't waste my time because I have moved on from all this."
CLAWS by Ricky Sides
"Alcorn Pet Food Corporation is working with an experimental cat food laced with hormones and appetite enhancers. The special food causes cats to add muscle, gain weight, and exhibit extremely aggressive behaviour.
"Lovers, runners, hunters, dogs, deer, rabbits, normal cats, and even motorists begin to fall victim to the predations of these enhanced felines. An unemployed scientist, a small special ops team, a grieving father, a chief of security, and a homeless veteran join forces to try to prevent a catastrophe.
"To make matters worse, the scientist discovers that the first generation offspring will be even bigger and more aggressive, and then they learn that the food also affects dogs and rats."
"Lovers, runners, hunters, dogs, deer, rabbits, normal cats, and even motorists begin to fall victim to the predations of these enhanced felines. An unemployed scientist, a small special ops team, a grieving father, a chief of security, and a homeless veteran join forces to try to prevent a catastrophe.
"To make matters worse, the scientist discovers that the first generation offspring will be even bigger and more aggressive, and then they learn that the food also affects dogs and rats."
THE LLAMA SPACE TALE by Isshak Ferdjani
"Hero is a simple llama living on Sunny Sunshine Shoe with the love of his life Plan. His life gets turned around when The Comet, a pony disguised as a horse, kidnaps her. He decides to go after him into deep space and lands on the closest planet to gather a crew to aid him in his quest.
"If only he knew what awaited him there.
"Hero will face threats and meet a tigress, a penguin, and even condors as he unravels the planet's mysteries on his way to save Plan."
"If only he knew what awaited him there.
"Hero will face threats and meet a tigress, a penguin, and even condors as he unravels the planet's mysteries on his way to save Plan."
SPACE RAPTOR BUTT INVASION by Chuck Tingle
"Space can be a lonely place, especially when you’re stationed by yourself on the distant planet Zorbus. In fact, Lance isn’t quite sure that can last the whole year before his shuttle pod arrives, but when a mysterious visitor appears at Lance’s terraforming station, he quickly realizes that he might not be so alone after all.
"Soon enough, Lance becomes close with this mysterious new astronaut, a velociraptor. Together, they form an unlikely duo, which quickly begins to cross the boundaries of friendship into something much, much more sensual.
"It’s not gay if it’s a man and a dinosaur, is it?"
"Soon enough, Lance becomes close with this mysterious new astronaut, a velociraptor. Together, they form an unlikely duo, which quickly begins to cross the boundaries of friendship into something much, much more sensual.
"It’s not gay if it’s a man and a dinosaur, is it?"
THE HAUNTED VAGINA by Carlton Mellick III
"Steve is madly in love with his eccentric girlfriend, Stacy. Unfortunately, their sex life has been suffering as of late, because Steve is worried about the odd noises that have been coming from Stacy's pubic region. She says that her vagina is haunted. She doesn't think it's that big of a deal. Steve, on the other hand, completely disagrees.
"When a living corpse climbs out of her during an awkward night of sex, Stacy learns that her vagina is actually a doorway to another world. She persuades Steve to climb inside of her to explore this strange new place. But once inside, Steve finds it difficult to return... especially once he meets an oddly attractive woman named Fig, who lives within the lonely haunted world between Stacy's legs."
"When a living corpse climbs out of her during an awkward night of sex, Stacy learns that her vagina is actually a doorway to another world. She persuades Steve to climb inside of her to explore this strange new place. But once inside, Steve finds it difficult to return... especially once he meets an oddly attractive woman named Fig, who lives within the lonely haunted world between Stacy's legs."
ASS GOBLINS OF AUSCHWITZ by Cameron Pierce
"In a land where black snow falls in the shape of swastikas, there exists a nightmarish prison camp known as Auschwitz. It is run by a fascist, flatulent race of aliens called the Ass Goblins, who travel in apple-shaped spaceships to abduct children from the neighboring world of Kidland. Prisoners 999 and 1001 are conjoined twin brothers forced to endure the sadistic tortures of these ass-shaped monsters."
HOW TO GOOD-BYE DEPRESSION (IF YOU CONSTRICT ANUS 100 TIMES EVERYDAY. MALARKEY? OR EFFECTIVE WAY?) by Hiroyuki Nishigaki
"I think constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession everyday is effective to good-bye depression and take back youth. You can do so at a boring meeting or in a subway. I have known 70-year-old man who has practiced it for 20 years. As a result, he has good complexion and has grown 20 years younger. His eyes sparkle. He is full of vigor, happiness and joy. He has neither complained nor born a grudge under any circumstance."
PSEXYCHO by Wes Laurie
"The journal of a love-obsessed man who, after a series of bad choices, realizes he is less the romantic knight-in-shining armor and more the deranged pervert. A dark and disturbing slice of sexual Americana."
TITANIUM MAKES JENNY A GENIE by Betty Crofoot
"Futuna Surprises Jenny with astonishing news that she’s going to become a Genie in 33 Earth days and she’ll be back to take her to Crystalfairia to meet Titanimus and the Seven Supreme Crystals.
Everything seemed to be going as planned until the Supreme Crystals warned King Farook that because the Black Hole above Aurion had collapsed into itself, the fabric of Space-Time had changed.
Time was running out, Futuna now had only 33 hours to get Jenny to Crystalfairia.
"Knowing her Genification was in jeopardy, King Farook decided that he had to go instead of Futuna to get Jenny. Will King Farrok get Jenny to Crystalfairia in time? Will Jenny meet Titanimus and the Seven Supreme Crystals? Will Jenny receive her Genie Powers after all? Will Jenny go on future adventures in Book 5?"
Everything seemed to be going as planned until the Supreme Crystals warned King Farook that because the Black Hole above Aurion had collapsed into itself, the fabric of Space-Time had changed.
Time was running out, Futuna now had only 33 hours to get Jenny to Crystalfairia.
"Knowing her Genification was in jeopardy, King Farook decided that he had to go instead of Futuna to get Jenny. Will King Farrok get Jenny to Crystalfairia in time? Will Jenny meet Titanimus and the Seven Supreme Crystals? Will Jenny receive her Genie Powers after all? Will Jenny go on future adventures in Book 5?"
HOLE IN THE FLOOR by Franklin Eddy
"Frank and Cindy signed a contract to buy a house that was being constructed. When they came out to look at it again, there was a hole in the hallway floor. Beneath the hole was a nice sized room that was empty. Later when they came out, there was something in it, but Frank couldn't tell what it was.
"The real estate woman denied having all knowledge of this hole. Meanwhile, the floor was covered over with carpet so the hole couldn't be seen. After moving in, this couple started noticing people missing when they came to either work there or visited. Their young son said that there was an alien monster living under the floor who ate people that intended harming them. The monster was friendly to him though and didn't bother other family members.
"Would you feel comfortable living in a house with a strange creature living under your floor? Maybe you already do if you have a hole in your floor. This book is suitable for all audiences."
"The real estate woman denied having all knowledge of this hole. Meanwhile, the floor was covered over with carpet so the hole couldn't be seen. After moving in, this couple started noticing people missing when they came to either work there or visited. Their young son said that there was an alien monster living under the floor who ate people that intended harming them. The monster was friendly to him though and didn't bother other family members.
"Would you feel comfortable living in a house with a strange creature living under your floor? Maybe you already do if you have a hole in your floor. This book is suitable for all audiences."
AN EROTIC THANKSGIVING STORY by Franklin Eddy
"It was almost Thanksgiving, and Ben was looking forward to eating one of the turkeys that they had raised from chicks. His wife Judy and her twin sister Beth were shocked when he suggested killing and fixing one of them for Thanksgiving since the women had made pets out of them and had even named them.
"Ben was determine though to have a nice home-grown turkey for Thanksgiving so started sharpening his axe. This story is similar to A Pet Turkey for Thanksgiving but has explicit sex scenes."
"Ben was determine though to have a nice home-grown turkey for Thanksgiving so started sharpening his axe. This story is similar to A Pet Turkey for Thanksgiving but has explicit sex scenes."
HUSBAND WON'T BUY WIFE A KINDLE by Franklin Eddy
"A husband that won't buy his wife a Kindle since he thinks they are a fad and cost too much money. He wants to use his money for computers and other things he enjoys. His wife loves to read so believes that a Kindle would be perfect for her.
"He discovers that his happy home is about to crash and burn due to his tightness with money. This short story is based on a true story and is suitable for all age groups."
"He discovers that his happy home is about to crash and burn due to his tightness with money. This short story is based on a true story and is suitable for all age groups."
RSS Feed
