Tomorrow's the day that Britain goes to the polls to select its alpha - the pinnacle of our entire race, the one human who has risen to the top of our society, and been deemed most worthy of leading us into an uncertain future.
Sadly, for those of a gaming "bent", the leaders of our political parties have thus far failed to comment on where they'd stand regarding the issue of computer games.
Here, to give you some idea of who to vote for, the leaders offer up their vision of the perfect computer game.
Sadly, for those of a gaming "bent", the leaders of our political parties have thus far failed to comment on where they'd stand regarding the issue of computer games.
Here, to give you some idea of who to vote for, the leaders offer up their vision of the perfect computer game.
THERESA MAY (CONSERVATIVE)
"My ideal sort of computer game would be a naughty game where you got to run through wheat fields while being chased by an angry farmer! Hopefully, the game would be running on a strong and stable computer system that didn't crash! Nobody wants a computer of chaos!
"They want a strong and stable one! One that is strong, stable, and wasn't a computer of chaos. Basically one that isn't a computer of chaos, but is stable and strong. Stable, strong computer systems are what this country needs. Not computers of chaos.
"Of course, there wouldn't be any online component to this game, in case extremists used it to plot atrocities. Although there would be in-game transactions allowing players in Saudi Arabia to purchase new weapons. Oh - and a mini-game where you got to stamp on a fox-face in a pair of £2,000 leather heels."
"They want a strong and stable one! One that is strong, stable, and wasn't a computer of chaos. Basically one that isn't a computer of chaos, but is stable and strong. Stable, strong computer systems are what this country needs. Not computers of chaos.
"Of course, there wouldn't be any online component to this game, in case extremists used it to plot atrocities. Although there would be in-game transactions allowing players in Saudi Arabia to purchase new weapons. Oh - and a mini-game where you got to stamp on a fox-face in a pair of £2,000 leather heels."
JEREMY CORBYN (LABOUR)
"I'd like a computer game that could be played by the many - not the few. So, some sort of massive online multiplayer game would be really great. However, I wouldn't want to go around rescuing any princesses, or anything, as I'd like to see the Royal Family abolished.
"The game would be priced differently to other games, also. It would be free-to-play for 95% of players, but those with the broadest shoulders - like gorillas and elephants, which is presumably what I mean by that - will be asked to pay a little bit extra."
"The game would be priced differently to other games, also. It would be free-to-play for 95% of players, but those with the broadest shoulders - like gorillas and elephants, which is presumably what I mean by that - will be asked to pay a little bit extra."
TIM FARRON (LIBERAL DEMOCRAT)
"Aw, mate! Me own computer game? And I get to choose what it is? That sounds wicked, man! Can it be a game where I get to bang a load of saucepans with a wooden spoon?
"I love it when me mam lets me do that. She gets all the pans out of the cupboard, and I sit on the kitchen floor and just go 'Bam! Bam! Bam!'. It's well fun! It's wicked!
"And sometimes, yeah, she lets me go in the garden with a washing up bowl full of soapy water, and I just splash it. Splash! Splash! Actually, who cares about computer games? I just want to be doing that! One time, I pulled down me pants and did a big blow-off in the suds, and me mam was well cross because we had guests over and I didn't know they was all watching me through the patio doors."
"I love it when me mam lets me do that. She gets all the pans out of the cupboard, and I sit on the kitchen floor and just go 'Bam! Bam! Bam!'. It's well fun! It's wicked!
"And sometimes, yeah, she lets me go in the garden with a washing up bowl full of soapy water, and I just splash it. Splash! Splash! Actually, who cares about computer games? I just want to be doing that! One time, I pulled down me pants and did a big blow-off in the suds, and me mam was well cross because we had guests over and I didn't know they was all watching me through the patio doors."
NICOLA STURGEON (SCOTTISH NATIONAL PARTY)
"I'd like a computer game about a great Scottish hero, like Braveheart or Oor Wullie. That would be fandabidozi!"
PAUL NUTTALS (UKIP)
"I ain't being racist, right, but I don't want no game where there's, like, brown people running around in it. So, basically, no Commodore 64 games. You seen them games? They're so brown. What are we gonna do when all our games are brown like that? You wouldn't be able to tell them apart. Is that what you want? Just loads of brown games all over the place? My favourite console of all time was the Dreamcast. Think about it <BLOWS DOG WHISTLE>."
CAROLINE LUCAS (GREEN PARTY)
"I'd like a computer game that was good for the environment. So, one that doesn't come on plastic floppy discs, but is made out of a forest. In fact, it's not even a computer game at all - it's just a forest, and all the trees are wind turbines made out of recycled good intentions."
LEANNE WOOD (PLAID CYMRU)
"My ideal game would be one which highlights the Welsh economy - so a sort of business simulation where players have to oversee the reopening and repurposing of the coal mines as TV studios for episodes of Doctor Who. It would, of course, have a traditional Welsh soundtrack by Goldie Lookin Chain and Stereophonics."
ALAN "HOWLING LAUD" HOPE (MONSTER RAVING LOONY)
"I love computer games, and my favourite idea for a computer game would be one that I could play while doing something totally crazy, like blow a party trumpet while marching on the spot... or shove a load of takeaway menus up my bum, and an old cotton bud down the end of my willy-winky!
"Mental health is nothing to be laughed at, and I hope you can all interpret this as the desperate cry for help that it is. Please - help me. I need to be stopped."
"Mental health is nothing to be laughed at, and I hope you can all interpret this as the desperate cry for help that it is. Please - help me. I need to be stopped."
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