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ELECTION 2017: PARTY LEADERS SHARE THEIR DREAMS FOR THE PERFECT GAME

7/6/2017

25 Comments

 
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Tomorrow's the day that Britain goes to the polls to select its alpha - the pinnacle of our entire race, the one human who has risen to the top of our society, and been deemed most worthy of leading us into an uncertain future. 

Sadly, for those of a gaming "bent", the leaders of our political parties have thus far failed to comment on where they'd stand regarding the issue of computer games.

Here, to give you some idea of who to vote for, the leaders offer up their vision of the perfect computer game.
THERESA MAY (CONSERVATIVE)
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"My ideal sort of computer game would be a naughty game where you got to run through wheat fields while being chased by an angry farmer! Hopefully, the game would be running on a strong and stable computer system that didn't crash! Nobody wants a computer of chaos!

​"They want a strong and stable one! One that is strong, stable, and wasn't a computer of chaos. Basically one that isn't a computer of chaos, but is stable and strong. Stable, strong computer systems are what this country needs. Not computers of chaos.

​"Of course, there wouldn't be any online component to this game, in case extremists used it to plot atrocities. Although there would be in-game transactions allowing players in Saudi Arabia to purchase new weapons. Oh - and a mini-game where you got to stamp on a fox-face in a pair of £2,000 leather heels."
JEREMY CORBYN (LABOUR)
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"I'd like a computer game that could be played by the many - not the few. So, some sort of massive online multiplayer game would be really great. However, I wouldn't want to go around rescuing any princesses, or anything, as I'd like to see the Royal Family abolished.

"The game would be priced differently to other games, also. It would be free-to-play for 95% of players, but those with the broadest shoulders - like gorillas and elephants, which is presumably what I mean by that - will be asked to pay a little bit extra."
TIM FARRON (LIBERAL DEMOCRAT)
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"Aw, mate! Me own computer game? And I get to choose what it is? That sounds wicked, man! Can it be a game where I get to bang a load of saucepans with a wooden spoon?

"I love it when me mam lets me do that. She gets all the pans out of the cupboard, and I sit on the kitchen floor and just go 'Bam! Bam! Bam!'. It's well fun! It's wicked!

"And sometimes, yeah, she lets me go in the garden with a washing up bowl full of soapy water, and I just splash it. Splash! Splash! Actually, who cares about computer games? I just want to be doing that! One time, I pulled down me pants and did a big blow-off in the suds, and me mam was well cross because we had guests over and I didn't know they was all watching me through the patio doors."
NICOLA STURGEON (SCOTTISH NATIONAL PARTY)
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"I'd like a computer game about a great Scottish hero, like Braveheart or Oor Wullie. That would be fandabidozi!"
PAUL NUTTALS (UKIP)
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"I ain't being racist, right, but I don't want no game where there's, like, brown people running around in it. So, basically, no Commodore 64 games. You seen them games? They're so brown. What are we gonna do when all our games are brown like that? You wouldn't be able to tell them apart. Is that what you want? Just loads of brown games all over the place? My favourite console of all time was the Dreamcast. Think about it <BLOWS DOG WHISTLE>."
CAROLINE LUCAS (GREEN PARTY)
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"I'd like a computer game that was good for the environment. So, one that doesn't come on plastic floppy discs, but is made out of a forest. In fact, it's not even a computer game at all - it's just a forest, and all the trees are wind turbines made out of recycled good intentions."
LEANNE WOOD (PLAID CYMRU)
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"My ideal game would be one which highlights the Welsh economy - so a sort of business simulation where players have to oversee the reopening and repurposing of the coal mines as TV studios for episodes of Doctor Who. It would, of course, have a traditional Welsh soundtrack by Goldie Lookin Chain and Stereophonics."
ALAN "HOWLING LAUD" HOPE (MONSTER RAVING LOONY)
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"I love computer games, and my favourite idea for a computer game would be one that I could play while doing something totally crazy, like blow a party trumpet while marching on the spot... or shove a load of takeaway menus up my bum, and an old cotton bud down the end of my willy-winky!

"Mental health is nothing to be laughed at, and I hope you can all interpret this as the desperate cry for help that it is. Please - help me. I need to be stopped."
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
REVIEW: LITTLE NIGHTMARES (PS4, XBOX ONE, PC - PS4 VERSION TESTED)
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BEST EVER VIDEO GAME EASTER EGGS - WITH COMMENTS BY OUR POLITICAL OVERLORDS
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GAMING STREET MAGIC - With Dynamo
25 Comments
EvilKeg link
7/6/2017 09:27:06 am

Can we get Goujon John to stand instead?

Reply
David W
7/6/2017 02:19:19 pm

Vote John, get Goujons.

Don't vote John, still get Goujons.

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Fongo Bongo
7/6/2017 09:47:22 am

you forgot to mention that Nicola Sturgons would only support an indie developer

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Scott C
7/6/2017 11:28:17 am

*applause*

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Col. Asdasd
7/6/2017 09:48:04 am

The SNP game could be a tie in for Oor Wullie: The Movie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tv5pOjtQoFU

How about a Theresa May stealth game where you have to complete a whole General Election campaign without meeting a single member of the public?

Reply
Spiney O'Sullivan
8/6/2017 12:10:26 pm

That's absolutely golden. Why have I never watched Burnistoun before?

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Hamptonoid
8/6/2017 12:56:02 pm

Golden indeed. A golden shower of brilliance, in fact

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Nick
7/6/2017 10:07:49 am

Typical Digitiser bias.
Don't say what bias, you know, I hardly need to point it out.

For Shame!!!

Reply
Col. Asdasd
7/6/2017 10:24:12 am

Agreed. Miyamoto must be rubbing his little hands with glee as he reads Biffo smearing the PS4's good name yet again in this shameful bit.

Nintendo? More like Nintengo..ebbels! am I right?!

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Col
7/6/2017 10:38:35 am

Judging by her policy on grabbing your money when you're dead, Teresa May would go for Tomb Raider. Jeremy Corbyn...Goat Simulator?

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Yu Suzuki
7/6/2017 10:38:50 am

I don't get it, why is the Dreamcast Paul Nuttal's favourite console? Cos he looks like a seaman?

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MENTALIST
7/6/2017 10:47:34 am

It seems to me that Paul Nuttalls of the Ukips would prefer the British games industry to stand alone, with games produced solely in Britain for British-designed consoles.

He's been on the phone to Alan Sugar, trying to get him to restart production of the GX4000.

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Chris
7/6/2017 11:38:59 am

Surely Leanne Wood should have been a shoe-in for a mention of the Dragon 32? She'd love that. Welsh economic simulators running on the only Welsh computer ever to exist. Was there a Dragon 32 version of Manic Miner? That would be Leanne's favourite game (if also translated into Welsh).

Paul
7/6/2017 12:24:32 pm

Leanne Wood would be able to play every game ever made. This is because the Rasbperry Pi is made in Wales, and so she could load all the emulators on it and binge on grey-area, and down right illegal, ROMs from consoles and arcade machines.

And she’s been supporting the UK’s computer industry too. Kind of.

But she didn’t think about that, did she?

Spiney O'Sullivan
8/6/2017 12:09:10 pm

Consider the colour of the Dreamcast's casing.

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MocMocAMoc
9/6/2017 09:56:17 pm

His "dream caste". Caste can be a division of society based on differences of wealth, inherited rank or privilege, profession, occupation, or race.

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Paul
7/6/2017 12:25:57 pm

I actually asked the three main party leaders what the oldest computer they owned was, and what games they played on it, using the popular medium of Twitter. I got no reply from any of them.

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Nick
7/6/2017 01:05:06 pm

They have no compassion for the common man.

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RichardM
7/6/2017 02:15:31 pm

I am heartily disappointed at the under-representation of Northern Ireland in this selection of political representatives.

Maybe it's because nobody knows who any of our MPs are since Ian Paisley died, yeah? Or because we don't have video games: just potato bread.

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King of Duckhenrys
7/6/2017 06:53:15 pm

Roy Walker? Right? Riiiiiiiiiight!

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Dowser
7/6/2017 03:11:36 pm

I shouldn't have read this at work. It is too funny. You missed a trick with nuttall though. Surely his favourite game is Daley Thompson's decathlon on the spectrum...

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Dr Kank
7/6/2017 06:38:11 pm

Is that David Dimbleby's hand feeling up Paul Nuttall?

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Clockwork Fool
7/6/2017 06:39:49 pm

This may just be your finest moment, Biffo.

Top marks.

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Bavid Bumblebee
7/6/2017 07:05:23 pm

End of discussion, fools.

https://www.twitter.com/tom_watson/status/855320463643258880

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Starbuck
7/6/2017 09:42:16 pm

Nuff 'spec to the One Like Watson.

Hope his party win the Acorn Electron (election)

Reply



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