Like some sort of technological Dignitas, Sony have announced that the PS4 is officially in the end part of its life cycle. It’s arguable that belching out such a diktat while your competitors respectively have a more powerful console and a more innovative console for sale, and you’ve not even got anything announced yet, is a real stupid move that will give potential customers ‘the wet willies’.
But then who are we to argue with the genius creators of the MiniDisc?
However, to get you ‘pumped’ for the newest arrival in the format wars we can bring you these exclusive facts about the all-new PS5 thanks to our special spies embedded at Sony HQ (and by special we mean they only exist in our minds – we don’t even know where Sony HQ is! Probably Uttoxeter?)
Each one is literally more true and fabby than the last, and here they come!
Using it’s amazing processing power, the PS5 will ‘mine’ bitcoins while you sleep and send that cash straight to Sony to pay off your PS5. That’s right – the PS5 won’t cost you a penny, just ca. £9000 a year in peak rate electricity bills instead!
To control the amazing experiences the PS5 can offer, the new joypad will have a mass of buttons, touch surfaces, analogue sticks and motion sensors – so many, it’s too much for the brain to understand without driving the user insane. Instead, your subconscious will simply perceive it as a puppy – except for some lucky gamers, who’ll immediately die of a cranial aneurysm instead.
MAX ADRENALINE BUZZ!
He’ll grumpily respond to your queries by saying he doesn’t understand all this new-fangled stuff, where are his arms and legs now, and why don’t you ask him about party wall agreements or something he knows?
Wowser! The cool kids will love him talking about boundary fencing laws during their Fortnite sessions – welcome to the Sony family, Belmont P!
You know, if you ignore Nintendo’s ingenuity and Microsoft’s raw grunt and stuff. And the PS5 will take that to the next next-gen level by using lumps of ambergris – the wax-like substance secreted in the intestines of sperm whales that they later regurgitate into the sea – as the format for its games.
You might suggest that selecting an expensive, flammable organic deposit usually used as a base for perfumes as a storage media is a dreadful choice with no basis in fact, but then you’re not part of the visionary company that insisted on using the Spider-Man 2 font on the PlayStation 3 even though it looked awful! Discs and digital media are so last year, grandma – bring on the cetacean excretia era!