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Eight mega-skill things we can expect to see on the PS5

5/6/2018

11 Comments

 
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GUEST POST BY SUPER BAD ADVICE

Like some sort of technological Dignitas, Sony have announced that the PS4 is officially in the end part of its life cycle. It’s arguable that belching out such a diktat while your competitors respectively have a more powerful console and a more innovative console for sale, and you’ve not even got anything announced yet, is a real stupid move that will give potential customers ‘the wet willies’.

But then who are we to argue with the genius creators of the MiniDisc?
 
However, to get you ‘pumped’ for the newest arrival in the format wars we can bring you these exclusive facts about the all-new PS5 thanks to our special spies embedded at Sony HQ (and by special we mean they only exist in our minds – we don’t even know where Sony HQ is! Probably Uttoxeter?)
 
Each one is literally more true and fabby than the last, and here they come!
​The new PS5 will be shaped like a panjandrum
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​Sony are known for their ker-ayzee console designs, like making the PS2 look like a malformed domino and the PS3 like a miniature of your nan’s coffin. But the PS5 will be their maddest yet, as they’re making it in the shape of a dangerously unreliable rocket-powered explosive cart from World War 2! Take that, Microsoft, and your big boring slab of a device. USA! USA! USA!
​The PS5 will keep you ‘in the game’ by force feeding you sugar beets
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​That’s right – no more need for expensive energy drinks or breaks for sleep to keep you sharp while gaming. The PS5 will be plumbed into a new nationwide Sony-owned network of pipes delivering sweet, unctuous beet slurry directly into your homes for a reasonable fee, and then straight into your bloodstream via an uncomfortable cannula. Where will the cannula be placed? On your frenulum!
​The PS5 will come with its own charlatan
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​Do you think VR is the most immersion you can get? Or the Nintendo Labo? Well wait to be blown away by the PS5, as it’s coming with a real-life confidence trickster who will squat lewdly in the corner of your lounge, and then during games where you have to deal with shady types he’ll unfurl and attempt to embezzle your pension while you play. For real!
​The PS5 will pay for itself by ‘mining’ bitcoins
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​Bitcoin, the cryptocurrency no one understands that’s probably worthless or a total scam, is really trendy right now. So of course, the company that bought you the sexy, sexy Sport Walkman (the same, but yellow!) is all over this hottest of hot tickets.
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Using it’s amazing processing power, the PS5 will ‘mine’ bitcoins while you sleep and send that cash straight to Sony to pay off your PS5. That’s right – the PS5 won’t cost you a penny, just ca. £9000 a year in peak rate electricity bills instead!
​The PS5 joypad is so complex, humans cannot comprehend it
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​The Dualshock 4 is already a masterpiece of design, looking more or less exactly like Dualshocks 1 to 3 but of course costing more and with a ridiculous headlight. But the Dualshock 5 will be something else again!
 
To control the amazing experiences the PS5 can offer, the new joypad will have a mass of buttons, touch surfaces, analogue sticks and motion sensors – so many, it’s too much for the brain to understand without driving the user insane. Instead, your subconscious will simply perceive it as a puppy – except for some lucky gamers, who’ll immediately die of a cranial aneurysm instead.

​MAX ADRENALINE BUZZ! 
​The PS5 will have an AI assistant called Belmont Potters
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​Move over, Siri and Alexa! The PS5 is coming with its own awesome AI to help you with everyday tasks, and his name is Belmont Potters. But he’s not just there to help you remember when St. Swithun’s Day is or when to take your insulin – Belmont Potters is the consciousness of a local retired housing ombudsman, digitised without his permission!
 
He’ll grumpily respond to your queries by saying he doesn’t understand all this new-fangled stuff, where are his arms and legs now, and why don’t you ask him about party wall agreements or something he knows?

​Wowser! The cool kids will love him talking about boundary fencing laws during their Fortnite sessions – welcome to the Sony family, Belmont P!
​The PS5 is so powerful, its games will have to come on ambergris 
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​We all know that Sony make the best custom games platforms.

​You know, if you ignore Nintendo’s ingenuity and Microsoft’s raw grunt and stuff. And the PS5 will take that to the next next-gen level by using lumps of ambergris – the wax-like substance secreted in the intestines of sperm whales that they later regurgitate into the sea –  as the format for its games.
 
You might suggest that selecting an expensive, flammable organic deposit usually used as a base for perfumes as a storage media is a dreadful choice with no basis in fact, but then you’re not part of the visionary company that insisted on using the Spider-Man 2 font on the PlayStation 3 even though it looked awful! Discs and digital media are so last year, grandma – bring on the cetacean excretia era!
​As it’s main launch title, the PS5 will feature a genuinely good 3D Sonic game
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​Ha! No, just kidding with this one of course. Even with the tumescent power of the super-sexxus PS5 we all know this is NOT POSSIBLE TO ACHIEVE.
11 Comments
Neptunium
5/6/2018 11:59:04 am

It's nice to hear a shout out to somewhere you live close to (Uttoxeter). Woo!

I literally couldn't care less about PS5 or Xbox Two (4th generation), but then again I'm a luddite who thinks there has been no innovation since the PS3/360 era and that PS4/XB1 have bought nothing but a few extra pixels to the party. I know people love extra pixels, so I realise I'm in the minority. I'll get me coat.

Reply
DEAN
5/6/2018 12:00:59 pm

I love extra pixels but not those permanently lit fuckers that plagued the old PSP. I didn't love them AT ALL.

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Neptunium
5/6/2018 01:42:57 pm

In the early PSP daze when all us cool cats were importing them from Japans, I was the first person at my workplace to get one with no dead or stuck pixels. Although karma has made it's way back to me and ensured that I've owned tons of gadgets with dead/stuck pixels since, and even my Switch has DUST under the screen (shine a torch on it when it's off and you can see it sitting under the screen) - what the hell Nintendo, are you assembling them in a bin or something?

DEAN
5/6/2018 11:59:13 am

I don't know that Sony are playing Silly Sony by waving their end is nigh placard - I mean, if you were suffering from FPS or 4K anxiety and were ready to sell your soul to the Seattle massive then they've given you good reason to hold fire, yeah? Stick with us and we'll have something arriving soon that'll make the One X look like a fucked Poundland calculator.

I'd like to see the following:

No physical media - I hate having to change disks when I want to play a different game and sure, I could download the games even now but here's the thing - I feel guilty buying digital games because I can't sell them so take that option away from me and let me enjoy my digital games without feeling any idiot's remorse. Also, I don't like seeing game boxes everywhere, losing things or scratching them up and most of all I hate the way when you trade a game in you get some dick looking at the disk and evaluating it when they've got a machine that'll polish them in about 2 minutes - wankers!

A bigger joypad - I'm a fully grown (and then some) male and have hands like a farmer (for farming) or like a thing that probably should spend more time in the sea... but yeah, how about making a full sized pad for men - I reckon there's something emasculating about holding something small (matron) and I want something that feels like it was designed for me. I'm (dual) shocked that this isn't a bigger deal really.
And I don't want a load of useless shit on my pad - SHARE or touchpad or fucking lights and a raspy piece of shit speaker. Just cut the shit, Sony, 'kay?

I want it to run quietly - quiet as mouse that died a billion years ago inside a pyramid on Mars.

I at least want the option to never see any social media or twitch streaming or friends or anything of that nature whatsoever. I just want it to be for me and couldn't give a fuck about Major Neilson and what he thinks about some shit or a video that some prick has made. And why, for the love of fucking god, would anyone want to share any of this shit on Facebook? What's wrong with people?!

Launch with a new Uncharted game with Nathan back and a proper Ridge Racer game (I really can't stress this point enough).

PS Now should be included with PS+ and have more available on it and the free games every month should be from a selection - I hated seeing games that may very well have been decent, but I had no interest in... or even worse, already had (loved or hated - doesn't matter).

But most of all I'd like to see Sony at their most ruthless - I want them to crush the competition so completely that even Putin thinks that they're right buggers and Kim Jong Un personally calls them and tells them they need to chill out a bit. Then I want the monopolies folk to make an example of them and allow everyone from Bush, Goodmans and Alba to some weird shit I've never heard of and even the likes of Crown and Grundig to get in on it and start hammering out compatible hardware that'll play the same games just in less or more shiny boxes with really rubbish pads - I mean the sort of pad that's not even trying to be ergonomic - you know, like Nintendo ones.

Because when you get right down to it, saying you want a Nintendo console to play Nintendo games on is right up there on the list of stupid shit to say... just above saying that Apple Cares and that Mark Zuckerberg is genuinely sorry.

Oh, and under 250 quid please.

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Chomble Brenko
5/6/2018 02:08:33 pm

tbf they said 'The PS4 is at the end of its life cycle' at an industry press conference, and the public caught wind and went bananas. They clarified very soon after that that means 'it has about 3-4 years left'.

I love the share button man, it's honestly opened gaming up for me again. The touchpad? Useless and massive.

PS Now being bundled with PS+ is a great idea, though I already have more games than time

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Pixel Rated link
5/6/2018 12:30:10 pm

I'm done with the sodding controller, never got on with any since the days of the NES. That was perfect, two buttons and a D-Pad. Now I have to learn a million different buttons just to run around and shoot pixels. I need the hand dexterity of a heart surgeon just to play Fifa.
Screw it, I'm sticking with the PC, at least I can easily get porn on that and the mouse only needs one hand to operate.

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Mark M
5/6/2018 01:08:34 pm

I wish they'd swap the left analogue pad and d-pad so it's more like an Xbox 360 controller. It just feels more natural with the stick a bit higher up.

I do use a DS4 controller on PC, mainly because I can map the gyro to mouse aim and play shooters from the sofa with some degree of accuracy.

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Karm K
5/6/2018 02:10:33 pm

People say that this is the best option because your hands rest on the stick and the buttons - but they don't, my hands rest on both sticks 90% of the time, so xbox controllers become very uncomfortable very quickly. The worst of recent days was Ninty's own Pro controller - especially egregious as I love the paddles

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Unjokes
5/6/2018 02:43:12 pm

Let's hope there's loads of microtransactions, dlc, season passes, hastily released broken titles etc
I'd hate it if they concentrated on gameplay and enjoyment!

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Wangford
6/6/2018 09:08:03 am

Yeah, Nintendo are terrible for this

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Col. Asdasd
5/6/2018 09:23:11 pm

Re: the bitcoin one: don't give them any ideas. I expect any discovered coins would be quietly shipped off to Sony HQ via digital tanker (modem).

Reply



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