The Sunday Times has named the Top 100 social media influencers of 2019. Unfortunately, in order to see it you either have to have bought a copy of The Sunday Times (p'tcheww!) or pay to access the article online (p'tchewwww!), or look at one of the other websites which has done a story on it (gross!), thus infecting your computer or phone with viruses and ransombots or whatever.
Fortunately, Digitiser refuses to cower behind a restrictive paywall, or smother its content in ads, and so here, for all to read without threat of malware, are our Top 11 Social Media Influencers of 2019.
Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe! I love you, guys!
Fortunately, Digitiser refuses to cower behind a restrictive paywall, or smother its content in ads, and so here, for all to read without threat of malware, are our Top 11 Social Media Influencers of 2019.
Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe! I love you, guys!
11. MANNEKWYNNE FACEBOTZ
Omnidrogynous make-up and beauty vlogger Mannekwynne is as well known for being embroiled in online drama as they are their creepy makeup tutorials.
Mannekwynne's highly-public spat with fellow make-up and fashion vlogger J-Hoale M'people sprawled across countless, increasingly vitriolic and histrionic response videos, until the pair of them chose to settle the matter in a premium, ticketed, bareknuckle fight to the death that was live streamed online.
Mannekwynne lost the fight on a technicality when their lips fell off, in what many felt was a flagrant and calculated play for sympathy. It holds the record of being the most watched video recording in the history of humankind.
Mannekwynne's highly-public spat with fellow make-up and fashion vlogger J-Hoale M'people sprawled across countless, increasingly vitriolic and histrionic response videos, until the pair of them chose to settle the matter in a premium, ticketed, bareknuckle fight to the death that was live streamed online.
Mannekwynne lost the fight on a technicality when their lips fell off, in what many felt was a flagrant and calculated play for sympathy. It holds the record of being the most watched video recording in the history of humankind.
10. BARON VON MEINKRAFT D'KAMPF
Baby-faced baby Baron von Meinkraft d'Kampf - real name Pat Whisky - has built an audience of billions worldwide, who tune in to watch as he continues his life's work: painstakingly recreating WW2-era Berlin in virtual block form.
His videos feature regular appearances from his pet dachshund, Albert Speer, whom he has taught to bark the words to Horst-Wessel-Lied whenever his owner blows a dog whistle.
Von Meinkraft is adamant that this is nothing more than an exercise in free speech, and demonstrates the double-standards of the Libs, or something, and that he isn't responsible for your hurt feelings, and he's just a "mad lad" having a laugh, and, y'know, The Two Ronnies did way worse back in the seventies. You'd be locked up if you did Four Candles now. SJW cucks would be all over you saying that candles were an aggressively phallic symbol of the patriarchy or whatever.
He was recently appointed as the Government's chief Brexit negotiator LOL.
His videos feature regular appearances from his pet dachshund, Albert Speer, whom he has taught to bark the words to Horst-Wessel-Lied whenever his owner blows a dog whistle.
Von Meinkraft is adamant that this is nothing more than an exercise in free speech, and demonstrates the double-standards of the Libs, or something, and that he isn't responsible for your hurt feelings, and he's just a "mad lad" having a laugh, and, y'know, The Two Ronnies did way worse back in the seventies. You'd be locked up if you did Four Candles now. SJW cucks would be all over you saying that candles were an aggressively phallic symbol of the patriarchy or whatever.
He was recently appointed as the Government's chief Brexit negotiator LOL.
9. SALMONELLA
Salmonella - real name Sallington Hee-Haw-Downton-Abbey-Peens - has made a fortune by marketing herself as a lifestyle brand. Products sporting her name can be found in stores such as Liberty London, B&M, and Poundland, and feature semi-ethically-sourced ingredients squeezed from the placentas of Third World sweatshop workers.
Due to being born without either a brain or an immune system, Salmonella has never left her 200-bedroom home, for fear that her feeble, gossamer frame would blow away in even the slightest backdraft from a working class passer-by.
With no discernible talent of her own, she hit headlines last year when it was discovered that all of her vlogs were actually ghost-filmed by a fiftysomething male documentarian called Steg.
Due to being born without either a brain or an immune system, Salmonella has never left her 200-bedroom home, for fear that her feeble, gossamer frame would blow away in even the slightest backdraft from a working class passer-by.
With no discernible talent of her own, she hit headlines last year when it was discovered that all of her vlogs were actually ghost-filmed by a fiftysomething male documentarian called Steg.
8. JOBRIATH PEENS
Salmonella's younger brother, Jobriath has successfully established his own channel since appearing in the background of his sister's videos, hammering tearfully on the windows of her 9,024-bedroom home, begging to be let inside.
He has now built his own brand on popular productions such as Going To A Shop With The Lads, Noticing A Thing With The Lads, and Wondering Where I Left My Stuff Last Night (With The Lads).
He has been named as the author of the official sequel to Thomas Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow, despite only learning to read and write four months ago.
He has now built his own brand on popular productions such as Going To A Shop With The Lads, Noticing A Thing With The Lads, and Wondering Where I Left My Stuff Last Night (With The Lads).
He has been named as the author of the official sequel to Thomas Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow, despite only learning to read and write four months ago.
7. TRAVELS WITH KORKY
Travelling the world with his sullen and mute "girlfriend" Pumice, Korky Thrupp lives an ethical, post-vegan lifestyle, and eats only the packaging that food comes in.
Though slowly destroying the planet by sometimes flying in and out of as many as twelve different countries in a day in his quest for Instagrammable sunsets, Korky assures us all that he just wants to make a difference, and build a sense of community, and, like, make connections between people an', like, stuff that an' things yeah, guys? Boom.
Though slowly destroying the planet by sometimes flying in and out of as many as twelve different countries in a day in his quest for Instagrammable sunsets, Korky assures us all that he just wants to make a difference, and build a sense of community, and, like, make connections between people an', like, stuff that an' things yeah, guys? Boom.
6. THE SACCHARINE-TWATTS
The most perfect nuclear, heterosexual family to ever walk the face of God's Earth, The Saccharine-Twatts document the daily struggles of regular family life, such as maintaining their subscriber base in an ever-more-challenging social media environment, working out how to monetise their daughters' first periods, and finding time to edit videos between school runs, polo classes, and telling the maid what to make for dinner.
Their nine children - Geneva, Bream, Zebedee, Figgy, Jortz, St Swithin, Label, Vainglorious, and Tot - all have their own social media accounts, which were started while still in(stagram) utero.
Their nine children - Geneva, Bream, Zebedee, Figgy, Jortz, St Swithin, Label, Vainglorious, and Tot - all have their own social media accounts, which were started while still in(stagram) utero.
5. RON FANDANGO WINKIE
Deluded conspiracy theorist Winkie has made a name for himself by drawing attention to the many ways minority groups are destroying the world, and demonstrates that even the most loathsome and unappealing people can build an audience, so long as they're saying the sort of things everyone else is too scared to say (for fear of coming across like the worst kind of idiot-with-an-agenda, presumably).
Known for a sarcastic, whiny, profoundly uncharismatic delivery style, his life-long quest for truth, justice and holding onto his white privilege began when he accidentally bought a job-lot of The Unexplained magazine partwork on eBay, which opened his eyes to the truth of the world. He has a tattoo of Arthur C. Clarke's Mysterious World on his sternum.
Winkie has amassed considerable wealth by selling his own range of placebo energy suppositories made from toilet bowl scrapings, while his videos are supported through ads for Grammarly and hearing aids. He has rejected the term 'alt.right', preferring to describe himself as alt.righter-than-thou.
Was recently elected Prime Minister of Great Britain LOL.
Known for a sarcastic, whiny, profoundly uncharismatic delivery style, his life-long quest for truth, justice and holding onto his white privilege began when he accidentally bought a job-lot of The Unexplained magazine partwork on eBay, which opened his eyes to the truth of the world. He has a tattoo of Arthur C. Clarke's Mysterious World on his sternum.
Winkie has amassed considerable wealth by selling his own range of placebo energy suppositories made from toilet bowl scrapings, while his videos are supported through ads for Grammarly and hearing aids. He has rejected the term 'alt.right', preferring to describe himself as alt.righter-than-thou.
Was recently elected Prime Minister of Great Britain LOL.
4. GUNGAN CUNN
Cunn has spent the past 18 months rehabilitating his public image after posting a vlog in which he stumbled upon the cremation of a Korean shopkeeper, and made S'mores over the flaming casket.
Weeping in apology videos, and offering links to websites which explain why it's so wrong, guys, to make S'mores over a burning corpse, Cunn has worked hard to convince people he also has a sensitive side.
Having adopted a small, cuddly, animal of indistinct and irrelevant origin, he has ditched the sort of desperate-for-views videos which would see him piercing his own frenum with a nailgun, or shouting at a puddle while wearing a funny hat, or drinking beer out of a pig's vagina... for ones in which he tactfully discusses his approach to playing the role of the new James Bond, in which he has recently been cast, and demonstrating a sort of feigned, pantomime, empathy when picking fistfights with other leading YouTubers.
He is also the legal owner of the state of Michigan, which he has concreted over, and turned into a skatepark and "cool party zone".
Weeping in apology videos, and offering links to websites which explain why it's so wrong, guys, to make S'mores over a burning corpse, Cunn has worked hard to convince people he also has a sensitive side.
Having adopted a small, cuddly, animal of indistinct and irrelevant origin, he has ditched the sort of desperate-for-views videos which would see him piercing his own frenum with a nailgun, or shouting at a puddle while wearing a funny hat, or drinking beer out of a pig's vagina... for ones in which he tactfully discusses his approach to playing the role of the new James Bond, in which he has recently been cast, and demonstrating a sort of feigned, pantomime, empathy when picking fistfights with other leading YouTubers.
He is also the legal owner of the state of Michigan, which he has concreted over, and turned into a skatepark and "cool party zone".
3. MITCH "R1VAL" GLANS
The number one streamer on Twitch, R1val plays Fortnite and League of Legends 23 hours a day, live from his own lavatory, and even continued while in the midst of a violent (blessedly below-camera) puberty.
Despite somehow managing to turn his hobby into his career, R1val shows no sign that he desires to do anything other than play Fortnite and League of Legends, which is considered a great relief to his family and friends, who no longer have to tolerate him talking their ears off on the twin topics of Fortnite and League of Legends at social gatherings, like he's the physical embodiment of an out-of-control experiment into how tedious a human being can possibly be.
Outside of streaming, he lists his hobbies as "Playing Fortnite" and "Playing League of Legends".
Despite somehow managing to turn his hobby into his career, R1val shows no sign that he desires to do anything other than play Fortnite and League of Legends, which is considered a great relief to his family and friends, who no longer have to tolerate him talking their ears off on the twin topics of Fortnite and League of Legends at social gatherings, like he's the physical embodiment of an out-of-control experiment into how tedious a human being can possibly be.
Outside of streaming, he lists his hobbies as "Playing Fortnite" and "Playing League of Legends".
2. PEYOTE POO-POOMAN
Having begun his YouTube career posting videos in which he pointed at game packaging while shrieking and cackling manically, the biggest YouTuber in the world has transitioned successfully to formatted comedy segments, such as Let's Shriek N' Cackle, in which he points at videos of other Youtubers shrieking and cackling manically, while shrieking and cackling manically.
He is best known for fabricating his own terror while playing horror games, for which his mostly pre-pubsecent, Little Edgelord Fauntelroy, audience lacks the experience and sophistication to see through. Known derisively as the "Sod Army", they are merely there to see a grown man shrieking, cackling, and swearing while playing Minecraft, because they're stupid enough to think that's cool, and are incapable of noticing how much he hates them.
He also rates out of ten his viewers' attempts to get his attention, and no longer does as many Nazi jokes.
Online commenters have enjoyed documenting his gradual descent into self-loathing, as Peyote Poo-pooman - real name Rolf Fridje Kristofferson Odin - becomes ever more ensnared by the demands of a content trap of his own making.
He is best known for fabricating his own terror while playing horror games, for which his mostly pre-pubsecent, Little Edgelord Fauntelroy, audience lacks the experience and sophistication to see through. Known derisively as the "Sod Army", they are merely there to see a grown man shrieking, cackling, and swearing while playing Minecraft, because they're stupid enough to think that's cool, and are incapable of noticing how much he hates them.
He also rates out of ten his viewers' attempts to get his attention, and no longer does as many Nazi jokes.
Online commenters have enjoyed documenting his gradual descent into self-loathing, as Peyote Poo-pooman - real name Rolf Fridje Kristofferson Odin - becomes ever more ensnared by the demands of a content trap of his own making.
1. MR BIFFO AND PAUL GANNON
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