"It has been an interesting four weeks or so, and I have spent much of it attempting to reclaim my life, to regain some sort of equilibrium, after spending so long dedicating myself to one goal: providing you all with the greatest procedurally-generated space game we were capable of.
"Unfortunately, my attempts at relaxing have been hampered by the actions of one individual: Count Dracula, the famous vampire."
"As I was putting my clothes in the locker, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and there he was: Dracula. I recognised him immediately from the horror movies I watched as a teenager.
"'That's my locker' he said, despite there being dozens of other available lockers.
'Don't be silly,' I replied, 'Use one of the other lockers'.
"Dracula gave me a look of pure disdain, clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, turned into a bat, and flew off to another part of the changing room.
"Thinking nothing more of it, I closed my locker and got into the pool. I was moving around in the water, having fun as it lapped against my torso, when I saw him on the other side of the slides.
"He was standing in the shallow end, in trunks and cape, just staring at me. I tried to ignore him, but later - on the lazy river - he started splashing me. When I told him to stop, he swore at me in Romanian, turned into a bat, and flew off.
"'Remember me?' he asked, as the chip shop owner handed me my order. 'At Wetworld last week. You stole my locker.'
"'I didn't steal it,' I sighed. 'There were loads of other available lockers, which you - '
"'No hard feelings,' he interrupted, before I could finish my sentence. He extended a hand, in what I assumed was a gesture of conciliation, but when I tentatively offered my own, he reached into his cape, pulled out a bag of flour, and threw it hard at my chest.
"The bag burst upon impact. I was enveloped in a white cloud, the flour going all over my chips and everywhere. By the time I'd gathered my wits about me, Dracula had gone.
"That was the last time I saw him, but in recent weeks I've logged an increase in the number of negative comments online, regarding No Man's Sky, many of which are written by users calling themselves things like 'Bracula', and 'The Count', and 'D.Racula', and 'SeanIsaLockerThief'.
"Additionally, our office inbox has been getting some weird spam over the last week, newsletters for things I've never signed up for, like garden centres, and places like that. I have no concrete proof, but I just know it's Dracula, messing with me.
"It's a shame, because it has really soured what was a successful launch for our game, the culmination of so much hard work. To think that something so good can all be ruined by one person behaving like an idiot."