DEFINITIVE PROOF THAT FOOTBALL GAMES HAD THE MOST INEXPLICABLY BAD COVER ART

25/9/2018

As something of connoisseur of poor, home computer-era, cover artwork, it has become clear to me that there is one genre of game with more than the usual share of terrible, inexplicable, or just plain wrong covers. That genre is this genre: the football game genre.

And I present for you now a gallery offering definitive proof of this fact.

EUROPEAN II: THE EUROPEAN CUP

What's with Red-Shirt's weird, flipper-like hand? Actually, what's with the proportions of their limbs in general? They appear to have been pieced-together, Frankstein-style, from a bunch of left-over body parts of assorted ages and sizes. And species.

INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL

Here's something you don't see a lot of: video game covers drawn in coloured pencil. By a child.

MANCHESTER UNITED EUROPE

I'm not knocking the quality of the airbrushing, but why that image - with the tongue, and the double Nazi salute?

It doesn't so much scream "football game", as hiss a terrifiying "Whassaaaap?!?!"

MATCH DAY II

That's some more nice airbrushed artwork there. It's only slightly let down when you notice the figure at the bottom of the image, crawling around like some contorted horror from The Exorcist.

"Your mother scores goals in Hell."

FOOTBALLER OF THE YEAR

Is this a game about football... or a game about a man who has just emerged from a swamp with murderous intent in his eyes? Football has never looked more threatening.

SUPER SOCCER

You can't go wrong with a bit of Bob Wakelin, but check out the bloke on the right, seemingly oggling his opponent's buttocks. Remove everything else from the picture and it'd look like a still from a 1970s "special interest" production.

FOOTBALL MANAGER 2

The Football Manager games were notable for the presence of Kevin Toms' face - the gaming equivalent of the man on the Daddies Sauce bottle. Take the cup, the ball, and the net out of this picture and you'd be left with a West End chorus line.

KICK OFF

Aside from the players looking like a couple of corpses that have been posed Victorian-style, is this the only instance of a video game cover showing someone mid-genital-mangling?

KICK OFF 2

Kick Off 2 boasts one of the most iconic game covers of all time. So how come we never before noticed the feller on the right, seemingly pressing somebody's doorbell?

"Sorry to bother you, madam, but we're in the area and wondered if you wanted your gutters clearing? OOOOOOF!!! I just got kicked up the arse by a giant!"

ITALY 1990

From the kids on the hill plus my mom and my pops,
I came to get down, I came to get down,
So get out your seat and jump around!
Jump around!
Jump around!
Jump around!
Jump up, jump up and get down!
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! (Everybody jump)
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! (Everybody jump)
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
Jump!

BRIAN CLOUGH'S FOOTBALL FORTUNES

"Psst! Mate, you won't believe what they paid me to be on this cover... Yeah, I know! Didn't even have to do anything for it. Mental."

PETER BEARDSLEY'S INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL

There's only one (two) Peter Beardsley(s),
There's only one (two) Peter Beardsley(s),
Oh, there's only one (two) Peter Beaaaaardsley(s).

You're a good lad, Peter.

ADVANCED SOCCER SIMULATOR

Bet you never knew that Donald Trump played for Non-Specific FC.

FOOTBALL DIRECTOR

I just like this for the guy in the blue shirt, who's levitating, hopefully accompanied by a sound that goes "Sssssppppprrroooooiiiinggggggg-ggg-ggg!"

STREET CRED' FOOTBALL

I don't know what I like most about this image; the player in the blue tracksuit's 1970s-style "Oooh, ducky" hand gesture, or the presence of the Wealdstone Raider at the back.

"You got no fans..."

"Oooh, ducky!"

FOOTBALL FRENZY

There's so much going on in this picture, and yet all I see is the guy with the massive cranium drinking from a bottle of water.

SOCCER DIRECTOR

The director of this football club is smoking what appears to be the most gnarled cheroot. Unless it's not a cigar, but... A MUMMIFIED FINGER.

MULTI-PLAYER SOCCER MANAGER

The bloke at the rear appears to be making some sort of Italian-style hand gesture using a cruelly withered arm.

"Hey, you a-mock-a-my-a-disability, I mock-a-you mama!"

SPEC SOCCER

Here's what you don't see a lot of; poorly photocopied game covers that were originally drawn in biro. By a child.

26 Comments

ZoddyZod

25/9/2018 09:46:57 am

Oh how I miss the days of amatuerish software production. The last one is mind bogglingly low grade.

Al__S

25/9/2018 09:51:54 am

Blurry faces! Some sort of Cold War nuclear submarine thing going on. For the Amiga! How could you not put the boot in to the Sensible World Of Soccer cover? https://www.infidealsretro.com/amiga-sensible-world-of-soccer-1/

(Blurry faces, because they had no rights to real players)

Alan

25/9/2018 09:52:14 am

Mmmm wmmmn mmm chicken wrap

ChorltonWheellie

25/9/2018 07:31:28 pm

Lumpy, lumpy chicken. Mmmmmmm..

Carp

25/9/2018 10:10:35 pm

... ... ... ... dog dirt

John Motson

25/9/2018 10:10:08 am

It's funny; I know a lot about football, but I never knew that Willem Dafoe played in goal for Manchester United.

25/9/2018 10:58:55 am

Football Director appears to have a young version of both Paul and Barry (rest in peace) Chuckle.

DEAN

25/9/2018 11:24:21 am

You mother scores goals in hell!

Today will have to go some to improve on that - thanks for making my day, feller!

alb

25/9/2018 11:51:58 am

Apropos of nowt, the Brian Clough abomination was actually a board game with one of those horrible laminated fold out bits of paper as the board, and some tiddliwinks. The game was "controlled" by the Speccy rolling dice and deciding results.

Spiney O’Sullivan

25/9/2018 12:02:33 pm

Personally I think it’s hecka weird that Biffo is singling our these artists.

Trevor Cod

25/9/2018 12:21:58 pm

That one menacing face among the blurry crowd in International Football is going to haunt me for days.

80sNostalgia link

25/9/2018 12:59:55 pm

That made me question whether I had been mishearing the child in The Exorcist for decades.

Time to clear my Internet Search History. Again.

CrispyF

25/9/2018 01:32:15 pm

The Floating Head of Kevin Toms!

Bryan

25/9/2018 03:27:56 pm

Spec Soccer looks like it should be a joke advert in the Viz.

I didn't think they'd be this bad, I thought Bah, football game box art wasn't that bad, I was wrong

moonbucket

25/9/2018 04:17:38 pm

I love the ambition and dreams of the Football Frenzy manager who, despite having assembled a team straight out of A&E who are collectively suffering a bandaged head, a broken arm, myopia (he's gonna need a blind ref to get away with playing with those NHS glasses on) - and that thirsty chap who has clearly brought on his macrocephaly via self inflicted hydrocephalus from necking all that water, fancies a crack at a Cup final.

They'll go far.

MENTALIST

25/9/2018 04:43:21 pm

That appears to be Jimmy Carr managing his team of war-injured squaddies on their way to Paralympic glory.

THX 1139

25/9/2018 05:10:32 pm

"Thuggard"?

Robobob

25/9/2018 07:17:39 pm

I just want to play Basic Soccer Simulator and Single-Player Soccer Manager. Is that so much to ask?

Clive link

25/9/2018 07:29:58 pm

Most of these made me laugh out loud. I never realised it was so bad back then.

ChorltonWheelie

25/9/2018 07:34:04 pm

The United badge with 'Football Club' on it....ahhhh, wistfully stares into the middle distance.

Tittersome work Biffo.

Starbuck

25/9/2018 08:49:42 pm

Very very chucklesome!

Kelvin Green link

25/9/2018 09:32:02 pm

Two Kick Off games and no mention of Dino Dini? Are you afraid of Dino Dini, Biffo?

Dino Dini.

King Dog

26/9/2018 12:56:05 am

The best of Cult/D&H Software must be done by someone.

The_Hawk

26/9/2018 05:11:55 pm

Glorious!

I would love to see some investigative journalism reverse engineering the drawings to find out exactly which players were in each cover & the games the original photos were all from.

Mr Santa

28/9/2018 08:36:49 pm

The Manchester United Europe one is obviously a very good likeness of the late Les Sealey. He was a bit of a ‘character’ and this was from a game on the telly when United scored a last minute winner at Spurs.

The only other one I recognise is a poorly traced Dave Beasant in his Chelsea kit on the cover of Multi Player Soccer Manager.

Acid_Arrow

3/10/2018 04:56:28 pm

Footballer of the Year was absolutely top-class, I remember having a notebook where I'd write own all my correctly-guessed answers for future reference in the quiz that won you money.

DEFINITIVE PROOF THAT FOOTBALL GAMES HAD THE MOST INEXPLICABLY BAD COVER ART

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