DEFINITIVE PROOF THAT FOOTBALL GAMES HAD THE MOST INEXPLICABLY BAD COVER ART

As something of connoisseur of poor, home computer-era, cover artwork, it has become clear to me that there is one genre of game with more than the usual share of terrible, inexplicable, or just plain wrong covers. That genre is this genre: the football game genre.

And I present for you now a gallery offering definitive proof of this fact. 

EUROPEAN II: THE EUROPEAN CUP

What's with Red-Shirt's weird, flipper-like hand? Actually, what's with the proportions of their limbs in general? They appear to have been pieced-together, Frankstein-style, from a bunch of left-over body parts of assorted ages and sizes. And species. 

INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL

Here's something you don't see a lot of: video game covers drawn in coloured pencil. By a child.

MANCHESTER UNITED EUROPE

I'm not knocking the quality of the airbrushing, but why that image - with the tongue, and the double Nazi salute? 

It doesn't so much scream "football game", as hiss a terrifiying "Whassaaaap?!?!"

MATCH DAY II

That's some more nice airbrushed artwork there. It's only slightly let down when you notice the figure at the bottom of the image, crawling around like some contorted horror from The Exorcist.

"Your mother scores goals in Hell."

FOOTBALLER OF THE YEAR

Is this a game about football... or a game about a man who has just emerged from a swamp with murderous intent in his eyes? Football has never looked more threatening.

SUPER SOCCER

You can't go wrong with a bit of Bob Wakelin, but check out the bloke on the right, seemingly oggling his opponent's buttocks. Remove everything else from the picture and it'd look like a still from a 1970s "special interest" production.

FOOTBALL MANAGER 2

The Football Manager games were notable for the presence of Kevin Toms' face - the gaming equivalent of the man on the Daddies Sauce bottle. Take the cup, the ball, and the net out of this picture and you'd be left with a West End chorus line.

KICK OFF

Aside from the players looking like a couple of corpses that have been posed Victorian-style, is this the only instance of a video game cover showing someone mid-genital-mangling?

KICK OFF 2

Kick Off 2 boasts one of the most iconic game covers of all time. So how come we never before noticed the feller on the right, seemingly pressing somebody's doorbell?

"Sorry to bother you, madam, but we're in the area and wondered if you wanted your gutters clearing? OOOOOOF!!! I just got kicked up the arse by a giant!"

ITALY 1990

From the kids on the hill plus my mom and my pops,
I came to get down, I came to get down,
So get out your seat and jump around!
Jump around!
Jump around!
Jump around!
Jump up, jump up and get down!
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! (Everybody jump)
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! (Everybody jump)
Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
Jump!

BRIAN CLOUGH'S FOOTBALL FORTUNES

"Psst! Mate, you won't believe what they paid me to be on this cover... Yeah, I know! Didn't even have to do anything for it. Mental."

PETER BEARDSLEY'S INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL

There's only one (two) Peter Beardsley(s),
There's only one (two) Peter Beardsley(s),
Oh, there's only one (two) Peter Beaaaaardsley(s).

You're a good lad, Peter.

ADVANCED SOCCER SIMULATOR

Bet you never knew that Donald Trump played for Non-Specific FC.

FOOTBALL DIRECTOR

I just like this for the guy in the blue shirt, who's levitating, hopefully accompanied by a sound that goes "Sssssppppprrroooooiiiinggggggg-ggg-ggg!"

STREET CRED' FOOTBALL

I don't know what I like most about this image; the player in the blue tracksuit's 1970s-style "Oooh, ducky" hand gesture, or the presence of the Wealdstone Raider at the back.

"You got no fans..."

"Oooh, ducky!"

FOOTBALL FRENZY

There's so much going on in this picture, and yet all I see is the guy with the massive cranium drinking from a bottle of water. 

SOCCER DIRECTOR

The director of this football club is smoking what appears to be the most gnarled cheroot. Unless it's not a cigar, but... A MUMMIFIED FINGER.

MULTI-PLAYER SOCCER MANAGER

The bloke at the rear appears to be making some sort of Italian-style hand gesture using a cruelly withered arm.

"Hey, you a-mock-a-my-a-disability, I mock-a-you mama!"

SPEC SOCCER

Here's what you don't see a lot of; poorly photocopied game covers that were originally drawn in biro. By a child.