THE MAN'S DADDY - Jokes For a New Year

Hello. I'm a popular comedian called The Man's Daddy. At this time of year there's little I like more than thinking of jokes for my award-winning comedy routine. 

However, the joke is on you - as this is what I like little more than thinking of at ALL times of the year, not just at this time of the year. And now the joke is on you a second time - as I don't really like thinking of jokes at all. And now a third time, as my comedy routine has never won any awards. 

And now, the joke is upon you a fourth time, as I do like little more than thinking of jokes, AND my comedy routine has won an award: The Worst Comedy Routine Award. This was awarded to me by my uncle - Xzibit, the rapper.

Appropriately, here is a bumper crops of my excellent jokes right now, and due to the time of year at which we have arrived, many of these jokes are reflecting on the nature of time and bears and talc. I will award a Surprise Gift to anyone who films themselves telling their favourite joke of mine at a New Year's Eve party. Honestly: I will literally do that. Goodbye.

QUESTION: What sort of time-keeping instrument was invented in Poland?
ANSWER: A Krakow clock (cuckoo clock).

QUESTION: What sort of time-keeping instrument has an adulterous wife?
ANSWER: A cuckold clock (cuckoo clock).

QUESTION: What is the best way to tell the time?
ANSWER: Correctly.

QUESTION: Who is Father Christmas better known as?
ANSWER: Odin.

QUESTION: Who is Father Christmas's brother better known as?
ANSWER: Pranceous. 

QUESTION: What did Odin say when he dropped his phone?
ANSWER: "O-dear".

QUESTION: What does Odin call origami?
ANSWER: "Fodin'" (folding).

QUESTION: Where do bears come from?
ANSWER: Bearfield.

QUESTION: What is a bear’s favourite pop group?
ANSWER: The Bearing Straits (Dire Straits).

QUESTION: What does a temporally aware ursine lumberjack shout? 
ANSWER: "Time-bear!" (timber)

QUESTION: What is the most hesitant household item, sold globally for use in personal hygiene and cosmetics that has raised some suspicions about the possibility that its use promotes certain types of diseases, mainly cancers of the ovaries and lungs (although this is not widely recognised as an established link), in the world?
ANSWER: Talc… um… powder.

QUESTION: What did the founder of the Organisation of Afro-American Unity use to dust his body?
ANSWER: Malcolm (X) powder (talcum powder).

QUESTION: Who are the rudest soldiers in the world?
ANSWER: Privates.

QUESTION: Who are the rudest cooks in the world?
ANSWER: Chuffs (chefs).

QUESTION: What do you call a cat wearing a false beard that's covered in "moth dust"?
ANSWER: A handsome young fellow.

QUESTION: What are moths so dusty anyway?
ANSWER: They're really old butterflies.

QUESTION: Why won't you pick up your phone to me?
ANSWER: You hate me

QUESTION: Why won't I answer my phone to you?
ANSWER: I don't even have a phone.

QUESTION: I know I've already asked this, but why didn't you answer the phone to me?
ANSWER: Because I never even called you. I said already - I don't have a phone.

QUESTION: What sort of literature do eskimos prefer to read?
ANSWER: 'Bergs (books).

QUESTION: What sort of literature do idiots prefer to read?
ANSWER: Berks (books).

QUESTION: Why don't you know what's going on?
ANSWER: You're really confused.

QUESTION: Why don't I know what's going?
ANSWER: 1101110101010101100!!!!!!

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