BOOM! I'm Cyber-X. You probably remember me as the top games journalist in the country, back when I wrote for magazines like Super Top, Mega Top, Top Top, and Toppo's Top Games Mega Top Monthly.
Those were the days. The days were I could spend 48 hours caning it so hard that I gave myself septicaemia, and still rock up for work on Monday to write my top games mag column about what I can remember of my clubbing exploits.
Nowadays it's all fooking websites and YouTube and lists and shit. Well fook off! Because get this - I'm better at doing games journalism than any of these fooking four year-olds with their tunnel earrings and trendy fooking glasses that they've got now. And to prove it here's the best list you'll ever read.
Seriously, you're gonna want to share this with your fooking mates, because they'll literally piss themselves thrice. It's Cyber-X's 10 Things That Couldn't Look Less Like That Bloke out of The Witcher 3.
Those were the days. The days were I could spend 48 hours caning it so hard that I gave myself septicaemia, and still rock up for work on Monday to write my top games mag column about what I can remember of my clubbing exploits.
Nowadays it's all fooking websites and YouTube and lists and shit. Well fook off! Because get this - I'm better at doing games journalism than any of these fooking four year-olds with their tunnel earrings and trendy fooking glasses that they've got now. And to prove it here's the best list you'll ever read.
Seriously, you're gonna want to share this with your fooking mates, because they'll literally piss themselves thrice. It's Cyber-X's 10 Things That Couldn't Look Less Like That Bloke out of The Witcher 3.
10. A CAT
Does a cat look like the bloke out of The Witcher 3? Get a clue. No of course it fooking doesn't, you muppet. It looks like a cat. That's the only thing it looks like. Cat = cat.
9. A DOG
What about a dog? What about this dog? Bloke out of The Witcher 3? Dream on. Dogs only look like dogs. Though now I look at it properly... that actually might be a lamb. Who fooking cares? Just share it.
8. A MONSTER
What about a monster? Wooooh! Scary monster, yeah? Does it look like him off of The Witcher 3? Does it fook. He might look like a poncey albino, but that doesn't make him a monster.
7. MY MOTHER'S THROAT
What about a throat? What about my mother's throat? Is that Witcher 3 Bloke-like? No of course it ain't. Not even if she is a lying old bag who said I could stay in her spare room, and now won't let me, because she needs to use it for "storage". Storing what - your fooking doilies? If she's so fooking perfect, how come my dad left her when I was six, yeah?
6. THE SCRATCH ON MY CAR
This doesn't look like the bloke out of The Witcher 3. It looks like the work of local wankers. I can't even afford to get it fixed, even though Ramesh at the body shop said the other week he'd give me a discount if I ever needed owt doing. Apparently his boss doesn't like me, and doesn't want me hanging around there no more, touching his soup. WHAT A MASSIVE TWAT HE IS.
5. MY FORMER EDITOR'S THROAT
I know for a fact this wanker's throat looks nothing like whassname from The Witcher 3. Trust me - I'm very familiar with that throat, so if anyone knows what it looks like close-up it's going to be me. Let's just leave it at that.
4. TESTICULAR CANCER
If there's one thing that definitely doesn't look like the bloke out of The Witcher 3 it's cancer of the balls. I had a scare last year, and let me tell you it was no laughing matter. Make sure you check 'em regularly, lads. Share this with your mates so they know it too. Let's get the old ball bag cancer trending, as they say now.
3. DENNIS NILSEN
Alright, Nilsen was a bloke, and the bloke out of The Witcher 3 is a bloke too, but they're two completely different-looking blokes. One's a blonde magic man, the other one's a speccy brunette serial killer. No similarities.
2. DRUGS
Phwoaaaar... look at all them drugs. The only way they'd look like the bloke out of The Witcher 3 is if you took too many of them, and you started seeing things. Share this, yeah?
1. MY BOOK
My book - Shut Your Fat Mouth And Do It - doesn't look like the bloke off of The Witcher 3. It looks to me like the best self-help book ever written. I even published it myself, so I didn't have no la-di-dah editor telling me to tone it down. No BS - this book ain't gonna hold your fooking hand. It's gonna give it to you straight, like a razor blade to the face: only you can turn your life around like I fookin' did. Share this list so everyone can get some Cyber-X in their life. Literally. SHARE IT. Fook's sake.
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