CYBER-X: YOU'VE NEVER HAD IT SO GOOD

Boom! I'm Cyber-X. I used to be one of the top games journalists in the entire country - and I still am, even though Top Mega Ultra Top Mega Games shut down 15 years ago, mate, and I've spent most of the intervening years drunk by 2pm, talking to old men in the pub.

I'll tell you what though - being such a top games journalist this long has given me a right old overview of the way games have changed. And let me tell you another thing - things have never been so good, mate. Want some proof? Curl your peepers around this lot - it's what people had to do back in the day, before all the proper games started coming out. Boom, mate! Love it, yeah.

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3D MONSTER MAZE - ZX81

Look at this poxed-up bunch of old tramp frenulums. This was the best game of its day - and it's not even in colour. It's in the opposite of colour: it's black and white, like my moral values (way I see it, if you've committed a terrorist act, you should go to prison or something - no question).

​See that load of blocky old arthritic rat chuffs up there? That's meant to be a dinosaur. No wonder those saps died out if that's what they looked like. Good riddance to 'em. Last thing we need is dinosaurs roaming around the place - what with all these immigrants everywhere. Mind you, maybe the dinosaurs could eat a few of 'em! Ha ha. Love it. 

COMBAT - Atari 2600

See that? It's meant to be a couple of tanks doing a fight. It looks more like some stupid collage a bunch of idiots made in a residential care home. "Oh well done, Johnny, I'm very proud of your motor skills - have a biscuit"... <DROOLS> Well offensive. Mate - seriously?

People actually thought this was worthy of being put on sale. Combat? More like it was made by wombats, mate! Ha ha. Love it. ​Spot on. It totally does.

BURGER TIME - Arcades

See that? That's a game that people used to actually pay money to play in the arcades. And get this: it was all about making hamburgers! Yeah - I know! A game where you had to pay to make hamburgers! They weren't even real hamburgers neither: just hamburgers in a game.

I mean, I know I never earned a lot working at McDonald's, and due to my zero hours contract there were  some weeks where they didn't even want me to come in, and they eventually fired me just because I threw a handful of coins at a customer's face 'cause he was giving me the lip, but that extracts the Michaelangelo, mate!

MINESWEEPER

Look at this, would you? It's like somebody dehydrated a load of scrotums and tried to pass it off as biltong. It's called Minesweeper, and it was supposedly the best game ever on the PC, once upon a time.

I mean... what? Are you for real, mate? It's all grey and that, with some numbers on it. Who wants to play a jamboree of puppy bums like that? I'll tell you who: everyone back in the day. And not a single one of them knew what they were even doing. Bunch of in-the-past saps! Ha ha. Love it. ​I really do.

BALL

Honestly, mate? Are you having a giraffe? It's another black and white game. Or black and a sort of greeny-grey. Not only is this pile of old J-Arthur what passed for a handheld console back in the day, but you couldn't even play different games on it: just two versions of the same thing, both of which were exactly the same.

​And that thing was some spindly-armed bunghole trying to juggle a load of balls. And talking of a load of balls: that's what this game was. Boom! Sorted, mate. Love it. You didn't see that coming.

COSMO-FLIGHT WATCH

This sperm suitcase was the ultimate thing of its time: an actual wristwatch that let you play a game on it. Yeah - except that game was a big stick of matted pubes. It's basically does everything the Apple Watch does, apart from everything except tell the time and play a really bad space game.

​And what sort of a name is "Cosmo-Flight"? It sounds like Cosmopolitan have chartered a plane to take them to a photo shoot in another country, ha ha! Love it. Don't even know what I mean, but I love it.

A CALCULATOR

In the days before proper game graphics the only way we were going to see a character with big boobs was to type this into a calculator. I ain't even kidding, mate. Serious.

DIGITAL DERBY

Digital Derby? It don't look nothing like Derby, mate - and I should know: I've been there. Not only have I been there, but that's where my ex lives with the kid.

​I don't mean to be funny, yeah, but the only way I'd ever want to play this game is if she was standing in the middle of the road, and I got to run her over! And for the record, love, before you call the police like last time - that was satire. Humourless cow. Too stupid to even get satire.

STICK AND HOOP

See Frodo up there? That's all he had to play with in his day: just a hoop, which he made move along using a stick. I never got that: why use a stick? That must make it, like, loads harder to spin the hoop. Just use your hands, if you're going to do it, you idiot. That'd be well easier. Also: get some proper trousers. You're an embarrassment.

CHATTERBOX

"Pick one"

"I don't want to"

"Just pick one."

"Blue.

"B... L... U... E... Pick a number."

"Do I have to?"

"Just do it!"

"Four."

"One... two... three... four... Pick another number."

"Ok. Three."

"Three... 'You want to marry a poo'."

"Bitch."

That actually happened. Although she was right: I did marry a poo! Ha ha. Love it. ​One-nil to me.

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FROM THE ARCHIVE:
CYBER-X: A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A GAMES JOURNALIST
​CYBER-X INTERVIEWS "PERRIS MOYNE"
CHIPS & TEATS WITH MR NUDE