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CYBER-X SOLVES GAMERGATE

14/4/2016

24 Comments

 
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Boom! I'm Cyber-X. You probably remember me. I was the main/top games journalist back in the 90s, when I was the top writer for Top Total Xtreme Mega Topple Top Mega Toppis-top Extreme Games Top-Ta-Top Mega-ty Total Top Monthly (Magazine).

​When I got fired by an idiot for being literally too good at my job, I quickly moved into recreational drugs - which I was the best at - before starting a new career as a Britain's top self-help guru and motivational speaker.

Let me tell you: a lot of the skills I learned from being the top games journalist have come in handy in my massively successful new job.

Blunt talking/telling it like it is. Giving your emotional dysfunction a score out of 100%.  Also, thanks to the number of times I had to punch editors, I can get pretty tasty with my fists if any of my clients don't like what I've got to say. And most of them don't, because they're cowardly baby idiots who are scared of tough love.

Grow up! I only mock-punched your throat, idiot! Pow-pa-pow!

So yeah, today I'm gonna bring all my skills together and fix something that is well overdue for fixing: Gamergate. Boom! Yes, I went there when nobody else would. 

CLICKS FROM DICKS
I don't even know what Gamergate is, but I understand it's well good for getting clicks.

Get this though: you know when we was kids how all gamers were either Spectrum or Commodore 64, or Atari or Amiga, or Sega or Nintendo, yeah?

​Well now to be a gamer you have to pick a side, and those sides are populated by two types of dick: paranoid oversensitive dicks and oversensitive paranoid dicks.


Of course, there's always a third side in any relationship: the BBC Model B owners, or the Jaguar and 3DO owners. But nobody cares about them. They're just like a sort of fart that's wafting over the battlefield, and that's certainly the case with Gamergate.

All these farts floating around going "Oooh, everyone stop fighting and be nice to one another", like a baby made out of flatulence and a tramp's cabbage. Whatever. Everyone is sick of all it, even the people involved, but they don't even know how to stop, because they're idiots.

Well, I'm going to make that happen. Only someone with my unique skill-set and blind arrogance could manage a task this big. Get in.
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OMINOUS RHOMBUS
There's this thing I invented for my motivational classes.

It's called the Cyber-X Drama Rhombus. It's a rhombus - basically a drunk square - which means it's got four sides.

That's one more side than any pathetic triangle, and three more than a circle, automatically making it better than either of those things, probably.


Here's how it works. There's four points in the rhombus, yeah. That's basically one point for four of the major types of twats in the world: video game magazine editors, my ex, her mother, and Gary.

The way it works is that if you want to know if you're a twat or not, you just look at the rhombus, see if you're named on it, then stop being a twat. It's well easy, Gary. But get this: there's another part of the rhombus that I've not mentioned - two testicles hanging from the arse-end of it.

​For some reason, those balls are flapping back and forth in the wind so fast that nobody can even see the writing on them. Fpp-fpp-fpp-fpp.


Basically, though, it don't matter whether the dicks represented by those balls can read the writing or not, because they're too busy being either paranoid dicks or oversensitive dicks anyway... ballsing up the games scene with their oversensitive and/or paranoid dickery. 

Because of them, everyone is so confused now that they don't know what to say, or what not to say... what's acceptable and what's not acceptable - or even whether these dicks are self-aware enough to - for example - laugh at themselves in the face of an article that's so obviously a work of parody, and which makes as much fun of the author as it does them. Dicks.

But don't you worry, la. I'm cutting them off. I'm castrating Gamergate. Snip-snippety-snip-snippety-snip-snip-cheroo.

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INVISIBLE THINK
To end Gamergate you need to think like Gamergate. It's about finding common ground, yeah.

What do both sides have in common? Video games and hating one another. But we all know that old saying: the enemy of my enemy is my friend, right?

​What both sides in Gamergate need is a mutual enemy - someone or something heinous who embodies traits that they both can hate just as much as the other. You know: like that bit at the end of Watchmen.

What's Watchmen? It's a wicked graphic novel from the 80s - the second best decade - but you wouldn't know about that because the dicks of your generation are too preoccupied with reading anime or making vlogs about how the other side are Nazis.

Imagine that: if the actual Nazis thought everyone else were Nazis too, and that's why they went to war with them. I mean, Christ, don't look in the mirror, Hitler. Actually... do look in the mirror... because that moustache and haircut are a disgrace.

Where was I? Oh yeah.


So here's my idea: we get a load of nerd scientists together and get them to basically invent a big monster who hates Gamergaters and anti-Gamergaters equally... a literal boogeyman, who the paranoid dicks and the oversensitive dicks can hate just as much in return - and must join forces to defeat. This monster posts stuff on social media that's just vague enough that both the paranoid dicks and the oversensitive dicks both think it's harassing them. 

Now get this: the monster lives on an island and operates its social media accounts over a closed intranet, and the only way to beat it is to go to that island. All the dicks must go there with to get it, then when they're all on the island together - BOOM! - we nuke the island. Game over.

Alright, I've not really thought it through, but that's not my job. I'm an ideas man. I deal with the broad strokes and leave the detail to people with more of an attention span than I've got.

I did draw a picture of it though:

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Bish-bash-bosh. Problem solved. I'm awesome.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
IF VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS WERE SPOONS
CYBER-X INTERVIEWS "PERRIS MOYNE"
​
CYBER-X: YOU'VE NEVER HAD IT SO GOOD
24 Comments
Keith
14/4/2016 09:46:23 am

Cyber-X is a funny character & that, but I'd like to express a genuine opinion here, which obviously can be disregarded fully if not agreed with - by no means do I think digitiser has to always be to my liking.

I think that the main problem with the occasional GG articles/thought pieces aren't so much the articles themselves, but the way that the fallout from them leaks into the rest of digi for the days afterwards, as it has here - the illusion is broken a bit when Cyber-X or whoever is clearly just adding a comedic coda to a genuine couple of days of expressing and articulating an opinion. The GG articles might end up with the most comments, but they also for me not only encourage and attract some arseholes to post, but bring out the worst in the people who regularly post - this is obviously inherent to gamergate but it polarizes the comments here in a way that digi manages to avoid on virtually every other issue.

I think that what comes through in the writing about gamergate from Mr Biffo is a clear sense and consideration of the humanity and psychology of both sides, rather than a need to judge, condemn or saint anyone, and obviously that has attracted criticism from people who just want to claim someone for their own "side"

But after reading loads about it, its clear that whatever the psychology of those involved, it is so polarized that there's no way that talking about it here will change anyone's mind aside from those (myself included) who aren't already invested in it.

At this stage, it feels like GG articles are actually damaging to the community feel of this place, not cos of Mr Biffo's opinion on it, but due to how much it polarizes.
Obviously sometimes GG will need to be addressed or mentioned when what digi covers has been impacted on by related issues, but in general, the best way Digi addresses the concerns of every genuine person on both sides is by doing what it always does; being honest, open, thoughtful, calling out bullshit when appropriate, acknowledging when changes of minds have happened, and generally acting like a human.

Sorry for long post on a "character" page, and y'know, I'm free to just not click on the stuff that I'm not so interested, but just reacted with a bit of a heart sink as I sat down for a coffee and a digitiser read and realized we were still on GG...

Reply
Mr Biffo
14/4/2016 09:50:34 am

Don't worry - that's the end of it for now. Unfortunately, I try to write from an honest place. If this was a commercial site I wouldn't have gone there yet again, but this place exists as much for me to get stuff out of my system as anything else... however I need to do that. Suffice to say - it's out of me now.

Non GG-related piece coming along in an hour or so.

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Keith
14/4/2016 09:52:32 am

Fair enough. sorry for being a grumblebum. Probably would have done the same in your position and done a funny at the end, but then my mates all say I never know when to let something go :)

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Mr Biffo
14/4/2016 09:54:07 am

Nah, it's fine. Mad as it sounds, I didn't WANT to write anything more about it, but sometimes it's out of my control...

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Stay
14/4/2016 02:41:25 pm

The rule of thumb is to let go once the goo has stopped coming out of the end.

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Superbeast 37
14/4/2016 10:37:17 am

Watchmen.

Pure awesome.

But whilst they brought peace to an alternate 1980's, they (or rather Veidt to be precise) would fail miserably in 2016 as one side would ignore the alien and launch their nukes at the other side due to being triggered by Silk Spectres outfit!

Stay on Mars tbh!

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paul jon thrillin'
14/4/2016 10:46:27 am

That picture at the end is fantastic. Evocative stuff.

"What's Watchmen? It's a wicked graphic novel from the 80s - the second best decade" made laugh and LOL.

LALOL

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Dr Kank
14/4/2016 10:53:08 am

Forget about the Spectrums and Commodore 64s, the best 8 bit computer was the mighty Atari 800XL.

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RG
14/4/2016 11:21:30 am

Amstrad CPC 464

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devwan
14/4/2016 12:49:42 pm

We're going to need another island.

captainbinky
14/4/2016 01:19:08 pm

Hahahahaha! "Amstrad" Hahahahahaha!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA AMSTRAD HAHAHAHA CPC HAHAHAHAHA!

Oh Lord, best laugh I've had in weeks - thanks RG :D

ronald mcbumhole
14/4/2016 11:09:57 am

I just hope that both sides are infertile

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Da5e
14/4/2016 12:35:20 pm

Sega were obviously better than Nintendo.

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jopijedd
14/4/2016 02:02:58 pm

Binatone were better than both of them.

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MrPSB
14/4/2016 12:44:50 pm

This will be my final fannies on the subject:

Fannies.

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Lorna
14/4/2016 01:20:24 pm

What about the Oric? Or the Sam Coupe? Fascist.

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Garygater
14/4/2016 02:31:23 pm

Surely everyone's mutual enemy is Gary. I hate that guy.

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Gary
14/4/2016 02:47:47 pm

Screw you, man!

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Garygater
14/4/2016 02:55:40 pm

Do you want to be swatted again? I just got a new fly swat from poundland. I will swat you bad.

Dr Ron Bus
14/4/2016 02:49:08 pm

Please stop trying to shoehorn my patented Ronbus chart to fit your narrative. It is only for working out the correct number of famous Rons you can get on a bus. FYI Routemasters are best so Ron Jeremy can sit on the top by himself, the dirty boy.

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Dr Ron Bus
14/4/2016 02:51:49 pm

Apologies. I misread Rhombus. Although I do not think the Rhombus chart applies either. You have obviously misinterpreted it.

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Seano
14/4/2016 08:14:16 pm

A square is a rhombus. Yet a parallelogram isn't. But a rhombus is a parallelogram.

A square is a parallelogram too. And a rectangle. Yet a rectangle isn't a rhombus, but it is a parallelogram.

?

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Chorltonwheelie
15/4/2016 03:42:33 pm

Just ignore them dear.

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Clive Peppard
15/4/2016 03:48:14 pm

"Well now to be a gamer you have to pick a side, and those sides are populated by two types of dick: paranoid oversensitive dicks and oversensitive paranoid dicks"

Confirmation of my opinion right there.

Peppard & X in perfect harmony (I also hate Gary)

Reply



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