Boom! I'm Cyber-X.
You probably remember me as one of the top games journalists in the country in the 1990s, and from the top interview I did last year where I did my best to end the career of the veteran games developer and pompous liar "Perris Moyne".
It has been 12 months since I last spoke with "Moyne", and in that time he has kept his pledge not to speak to the press.
I caught up with this controversial figure to see what he's been up to while maintaining his dignified silence.
You probably remember me as one of the top games journalists in the country in the 1990s, and from the top interview I did last year where I did my best to end the career of the veteran games developer and pompous liar "Perris Moyne".
It has been 12 months since I last spoke with "Moyne", and in that time he has kept his pledge not to speak to the press.
I caught up with this controversial figure to see what he's been up to while maintaining his dignified silence.
CYBER-X: "Perris Moyne" - hello.
"PERRIS MOYNE": Nah-ah-ah. Noooo, sireeee. I don't talk to the press anymore. You're not going to trick me into greeting you. Though if I did, it would be the best greeting in the world. People would read it and their mind would expand into fifteen different dimensions simultaneously, and they'd lay a francium egg, and when it hatched a little guy would come out and give you a message. The message would be as follows: "YOU HAVE WON £500".
CYBER-X: How has the last year been for you?
"PERRIS MOYNE": Well, it was the worst year of my life, if you must know. Nobody ever wants to be accused of being a pathologist when they know in their heart that they're not one. I looked it up: a pathologist deals with the diagnosis of disease based on the laboratory analysis of bodily fluids such as blood and urine. Do I look like someone who plays around with blood and urine?
CYBER-X: Actually... I called you a pathological liar.
"PERRIS MOYNE": Did you? Well, that's even worse! <STARTS CRYING> After you interviewed me, I swore I'd never speak to the press ever again, and to this day I haven't.
CYBER-X: You're talking to me now, though.
"PERRIS MOYNE": Yes, but only to reiterate that I'm not talking to the press ever again, in case anybody might have forgotten.
CYBER-X: Right...
"PERRIS MOYNE": I've got a new game out, but I'm not even going to talk to the press about that. I'll let people discover it for themselves. Which they're going to have to do, I'm afraid, as there's no way I'm telling anyone about it. Not even you.
CYBER-X: But you did just tell me about it.
"PERRIS MOYNE": No, no, no. That's not possible, now you're being a trickster, because you see... I'm not talking to the press anymore. I already told you that. Everyone's just really horrible to me whenever I open my mouth, and call me names, so it's better I just stay away and don't talk about my new game, which is available now for £10.99. <CONTINUES CRYING>
CYBER-X: Right, so -
"PERRIS MOYNE": I've really loved working on this game, and that's all thanks to my decision not to talk to the press anymore.
CYBER-X: I see. Anyway -
"PERRIS MOYNE": I feel like I've been given a new lease of life. Before, I'd always have to talk to the press, and now I don't have to talk to the press, even if I do have a new game coming out. What would be the point of talking to the press anyway, other than to publicise the new game I have coming out? All it does is cause trouble for me.
CYBER-X: Well -
"PERRIS MOYNE": I can't stress enough how horrible last year was. It really was. After you called me all those names, and said I was a liar, or whatever it was, I became so depressed that I developed the worst constipation of my life. I had to go to the doctor and get some pills to loosen my stools. They worked a treat, I can tell you! Fortunately, the pills didn't also loosen my tongue, otherwise I might've accidentally spoken to the press, ha ha ha! <BRIEFLY STOPS CRYING, BEFORE STARTING AGAIN>
CYBER-X: Look, ok -
"PERRIS MOYNE": So in some ways I should probably thank you. It's entirely down to you that I no longer talk to the press - but at the same time, I slightly wish you were dead. It really was the worst year of my life, but it mostly affected my team. I spent so long crying loudly in my office that it put them off their work. I even went scuba diving in the Caribbean, and started crying underwater, and spooked a whale!
CYBER-X: I see. So what is your new game like? Any good?
"PERRIS MOYNE": Ha ha! Nice try - but you're not going to trick me into telling you that it's a classic. No hype from me. It's just a modest little game, and that fact alone makes it better than all other games of its ilk, which are horribly complicated and aimed at spods. You didn't hear it from me, though. <WINK> But it's probably going to change gaming. <CRIES>
CYBER-X: So anyway -
"PERRIS MOYNE": Also, I'm working on another game at the moment, and were I to talk to the press about it I'd tell them that it's going to be the best game ever, but I'm not going to do that as they'll probably turn it around and say I'm showing off, or something.
CYBER-X: "Perris Moyne" - goodbye.
"PERRIS MOYNE": I would say goodbye, but I'm no longer talking to the press.
"PERRIS MOYNE": Nah-ah-ah. Noooo, sireeee. I don't talk to the press anymore. You're not going to trick me into greeting you. Though if I did, it would be the best greeting in the world. People would read it and their mind would expand into fifteen different dimensions simultaneously, and they'd lay a francium egg, and when it hatched a little guy would come out and give you a message. The message would be as follows: "YOU HAVE WON £500".
CYBER-X: How has the last year been for you?
"PERRIS MOYNE": Well, it was the worst year of my life, if you must know. Nobody ever wants to be accused of being a pathologist when they know in their heart that they're not one. I looked it up: a pathologist deals with the diagnosis of disease based on the laboratory analysis of bodily fluids such as blood and urine. Do I look like someone who plays around with blood and urine?
CYBER-X: Actually... I called you a pathological liar.
"PERRIS MOYNE": Did you? Well, that's even worse! <STARTS CRYING> After you interviewed me, I swore I'd never speak to the press ever again, and to this day I haven't.
CYBER-X: You're talking to me now, though.
"PERRIS MOYNE": Yes, but only to reiterate that I'm not talking to the press ever again, in case anybody might have forgotten.
CYBER-X: Right...
"PERRIS MOYNE": I've got a new game out, but I'm not even going to talk to the press about that. I'll let people discover it for themselves. Which they're going to have to do, I'm afraid, as there's no way I'm telling anyone about it. Not even you.
CYBER-X: But you did just tell me about it.
"PERRIS MOYNE": No, no, no. That's not possible, now you're being a trickster, because you see... I'm not talking to the press anymore. I already told you that. Everyone's just really horrible to me whenever I open my mouth, and call me names, so it's better I just stay away and don't talk about my new game, which is available now for £10.99. <CONTINUES CRYING>
CYBER-X: Right, so -
"PERRIS MOYNE": I've really loved working on this game, and that's all thanks to my decision not to talk to the press anymore.
CYBER-X: I see. Anyway -
"PERRIS MOYNE": I feel like I've been given a new lease of life. Before, I'd always have to talk to the press, and now I don't have to talk to the press, even if I do have a new game coming out. What would be the point of talking to the press anyway, other than to publicise the new game I have coming out? All it does is cause trouble for me.
CYBER-X: Well -
"PERRIS MOYNE": I can't stress enough how horrible last year was. It really was. After you called me all those names, and said I was a liar, or whatever it was, I became so depressed that I developed the worst constipation of my life. I had to go to the doctor and get some pills to loosen my stools. They worked a treat, I can tell you! Fortunately, the pills didn't also loosen my tongue, otherwise I might've accidentally spoken to the press, ha ha ha! <BRIEFLY STOPS CRYING, BEFORE STARTING AGAIN>
CYBER-X: Look, ok -
"PERRIS MOYNE": So in some ways I should probably thank you. It's entirely down to you that I no longer talk to the press - but at the same time, I slightly wish you were dead. It really was the worst year of my life, but it mostly affected my team. I spent so long crying loudly in my office that it put them off their work. I even went scuba diving in the Caribbean, and started crying underwater, and spooked a whale!
CYBER-X: I see. So what is your new game like? Any good?
"PERRIS MOYNE": Ha ha! Nice try - but you're not going to trick me into telling you that it's a classic. No hype from me. It's just a modest little game, and that fact alone makes it better than all other games of its ilk, which are horribly complicated and aimed at spods. You didn't hear it from me, though. <WINK> But it's probably going to change gaming. <CRIES>
CYBER-X: So anyway -
"PERRIS MOYNE": Also, I'm working on another game at the moment, and were I to talk to the press about it I'd tell them that it's going to be the best game ever, but I'm not going to do that as they'll probably turn it around and say I'm showing off, or something.
CYBER-X: "Perris Moyne" - goodbye.
"PERRIS MOYNE": I would say goodbye, but I'm no longer talking to the press.
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