Boom! I'm Cyber-X. You probably remember me from some of the top games magazines of the 90s and early noughties. Magazines like Top Mega Zenith Games Pinnacle, and Crowning Uppermost Preeminent Gaming Monthly, and Leading Paramount Principal Superior Apex Prodigous Video Games Publication.
They're all gone now, of course. We're living in a YouTube selfie-stick culture now, full of narcissists who I hope choke on their own reflections.
As a result, people have forgotten the power of the written word, because they're all stupid idiots and babies who can't even read, because instead of reading books they just peer into these hinged things that look like books, but are actually mirrors. Yeah.
Back in my time, I was the top games journalist in the UK, if not the world - the games journalism Shakespeare of my time, only cooler and more drugged-up - and I probably still am, even though I've not written about games professionally since 2003, when I was fired for kicking the editor of Peak Apical Mammoth Computer Games and Video Games, because he was being a twat.
Seriously - no wonder the magazine folded ten years later: firing their star writer was the dumbest business decision since Hasbro briefly rebranded Play-Doh as "P-Doh".
They're all gone now, of course. We're living in a YouTube selfie-stick culture now, full of narcissists who I hope choke on their own reflections.
As a result, people have forgotten the power of the written word, because they're all stupid idiots and babies who can't even read, because instead of reading books they just peer into these hinged things that look like books, but are actually mirrors. Yeah.
Back in my time, I was the top games journalist in the UK, if not the world - the games journalism Shakespeare of my time, only cooler and more drugged-up - and I probably still am, even though I've not written about games professionally since 2003, when I was fired for kicking the editor of Peak Apical Mammoth Computer Games and Video Games, because he was being a twat.
Seriously - no wonder the magazine folded ten years later: firing their star writer was the dumbest business decision since Hasbro briefly rebranded Play-Doh as "P-Doh".
Next week, the Electronic Entertainment Expo kicks off - it's a sort of special celebration of all things gaming, which only the best people in the world (games journalists) are allowed to go to.
Providing they still have a job that is (but who needs a job to know they're the best at something, right? How many other people at the Job Centre have had their own clubbing photo-column in a national gaming publication? I'll tell you how many - none, because I was the only games journalist good enough to have something like that).
Because you're probably just a normal pleb - the sort of loser who might get paid more than £12,000 a year, but doesn't get to review games for a "living" - you're not allowed to go on an all-expenses paid trip to a hot place to see the shiny things. Therefore (name one other games journalist who'd use a well clever word like 'therefore': bet you can't), I thought I'd give you an exclusive flavour of just what goes on at E3.
Boom! Bring on the factz, bitchez! Ka-CAW!
Providing they still have a job that is (but who needs a job to know they're the best at something, right? How many other people at the Job Centre have had their own clubbing photo-column in a national gaming publication? I'll tell you how many - none, because I was the only games journalist good enough to have something like that).
Because you're probably just a normal pleb - the sort of loser who might get paid more than £12,000 a year, but doesn't get to review games for a "living" - you're not allowed to go on an all-expenses paid trip to a hot place to see the shiny things. Therefore (name one other games journalist who'd use a well clever word like 'therefore': bet you can't), I thought I'd give you an exclusive flavour of just what goes on at E3.
Boom! Bring on the factz, bitchez! Ka-CAW!
The Electronic Entertainment Expo is held in Los Angeles, in early summer every year, and was first held in 1995. I didn't even have to look on Wikipedia for that: I just knew it. Seriously. That's skills.
E3 is a trade show, which means you have to work in the video games industry to go to it. This is to ensure that losers can't attend, although loads of them still get in every year somehow, because the games industry is basically full of losers who won't even give me a job.
Here's how E3 probably works if you're a games journalist: you sign up, get a lanyard, and then wander around trying to ponce free stuff off of PR people, while pretending to be interested in their games, and wondering whether they might be the sort of PR person who can get hold of some drugs.
Actually, the best bit of E3 is getting to play games before they come out. This is awesome, and lets you show off about it when you get back, by writing about it for people who won't ever be able to go. Also: Booth Babes, though a mate told me they don't have them anymore, because apparently they're sexist now. Seriously - what is happening to the world? Why don't we all just get castrated at birth? It's beyond the pale. No wonder everyone's gay these days.
At every E3 loads of new games and that get announced, and sequels to really successful games, and everyone pretends like that's a surprise, and then has to struggle to find something interesting to write about the sequels, because everyone knows that modern sequels are just the same as the previous game, but with Kevin Spacey.
I might not have been to E3, but in my head it's a bit like an episode of Top Gear mixed with a circus, but with video games instead of cars and clowns, and getting drunk with PR people (which is well fun, because they know how to get hold of the drugs, and they'll literally be your best mate until you're fired for kicking someone - while on drugs - or you slag off their game), and developers (less fun to be with they're either a mumbling weirdo or a hipster with a bird tattooed on their thorax), and other journos (normal people). I really wish I could go. It sounds awesome.
You get free bags full of stuff - t-shirts, stickers, and posters that nobody ever wants - according to my mate, who knows someone who's been.
E3 is a trade show, which means you have to work in the video games industry to go to it. This is to ensure that losers can't attend, although loads of them still get in every year somehow, because the games industry is basically full of losers who won't even give me a job.
Here's how E3 probably works if you're a games journalist: you sign up, get a lanyard, and then wander around trying to ponce free stuff off of PR people, while pretending to be interested in their games, and wondering whether they might be the sort of PR person who can get hold of some drugs.
Actually, the best bit of E3 is getting to play games before they come out. This is awesome, and lets you show off about it when you get back, by writing about it for people who won't ever be able to go. Also: Booth Babes, though a mate told me they don't have them anymore, because apparently they're sexist now. Seriously - what is happening to the world? Why don't we all just get castrated at birth? It's beyond the pale. No wonder everyone's gay these days.
At every E3 loads of new games and that get announced, and sequels to really successful games, and everyone pretends like that's a surprise, and then has to struggle to find something interesting to write about the sequels, because everyone knows that modern sequels are just the same as the previous game, but with Kevin Spacey.
I might not have been to E3, but in my head it's a bit like an episode of Top Gear mixed with a circus, but with video games instead of cars and clowns, and getting drunk with PR people (which is well fun, because they know how to get hold of the drugs, and they'll literally be your best mate until you're fired for kicking someone - while on drugs - or you slag off their game), and developers (less fun to be with they're either a mumbling weirdo or a hipster with a bird tattooed on their thorax), and other journos (normal people). I really wish I could go. It sounds awesome.
You get free bags full of stuff - t-shirts, stickers, and posters that nobody ever wants - according to my mate, who knows someone who's been.
Also at E3 they have, like, these big sort of gatherings in a hall, where a presentation is given by some awkward guy, or a fired-up American, and the technology doesn't work, so they can't properly demonstrate the thing, and it ends up being well awks. I've not been. I've just read the live-tweeting and seen photos and that.
A mate of mine had his 3DS stolen at E3. You can't trust anyone, least of all people who work in the games industry. They'll steal your 3DS. Your job. Your dignity. Your youth. The best years of your life. Have you seen the games journalists these days? They're all about 12. What does a 12 year-old know about games, or life? Nothing.
Did I mention the lanyards? I'm running out of things to say.
A mate of mine had his 3DS stolen at E3. You can't trust anyone, least of all people who work in the games industry. They'll steal your 3DS. Your job. Your dignity. Your youth. The best years of your life. Have you seen the games journalists these days? They're all about 12. What does a 12 year-old know about games, or life? Nothing.
Did I mention the lanyards? I'm running out of things to say.
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