While most of my effeminate, thin-necked, loser baby colleagues were wasting time reviewing video games and writing "articles", I was out getting mashed and bashed like a crab's abdomen in some of North Bolton's top night clubs.
Top times. Top, top times. The topp-est. I can't move on...
And what was better still - it was all on expenses, because I got to regale readers with my messed-up antics in my top photojournal/column for Top Games Magazine. Only loser babies read video games magazines because they want to read about video games. I hate loser babies, and I hate games magazines that just drone on about video games. Get real, losers - NOBODY CARES. You stupid loser babies. Stupid nerds.
But as they say, all good things come to an end when you rock up to work still drunk and paranoid from the night before and throw a stapler at your editor because you misinterpreted something he said - and that's just what happened to me. I've had some dark days during the intervening years, and on some of those days I barely had enough money to buy more than three or four drugs.
But as they say, all bad things must come to an end, and now I'm back - back to shake up this games industry like a crab in a sieve, even though I've not really played any video games since I stopped writing for Top Games Magazine. Or indeed, ever (as far as I remember).
It's gonna be full of all the stuff you used to love in Top Games Magazine - but updated for the year 2000, or whatever year it is now (drugs are great, but they mess with your ability to buy or read calendars).
It's gonna be the coolest online games mag - cooler than a crab in a trough of liquid helium. NO BABIES ALLOWED. Here's the full line-up of what you can expect, nerds:
Yeah! Just like you used to read back in the day (old school) - you're going to see everything I get up to in some of North Bolton's top nightclubs.
Everything from knocking back the drug "E", to running around the dancefloor high-fiving people in the face whether they like it or not, to kicking down toilet cubicle doors while threatening to kill some little Welsh bloke who kept doing these stupid faces at me from across the dancefloor. It's gonna be epic - like a really epic crab that's covered in bling and drugs!
Yeah! That's right: Top Games Magazine 2000 is gonna be full of crazy characters, and I can't wait to introduce you to some of the "wacky cats" I've got lined-up. Brace yourself for Some Guy's Comedy Father and his insane jokes ("Q: What do you call a Middle Eastern crab? A: A crArab!"), Hannibal Lecter's Problem Page ("Stay away from MY trough!"), the Street-Slang Eels ("We curse your minds, sir!"), and Prancing-J (a searing parody of all the loser baby games journos I used to work with back in the day - BABIES! I hope they're all dead! They ruined my life!).
MORE PHOTOZ OF ME!
It ain't just clubbing and drugging I get up to in a cool way - literally everything I do is mental and cool...! So I'm gonna give you a behind-the-scenes sneak peak into my life. It'll be like lifting up a crab's carapace to see its mentally ill guts.
VIDEOZ OF ME!
Someone told me you can make a load of money by being a vlogger, and with all the drugs I need to take to entertain you - I'm gonna need a lot of money. So you can be dead certain I'm gonna be jumping on that gravy train like a crab on a pogo (pogostick). I dunno what I'm gonna be talking about - maybe I'll just sit there and take drugs and see what happens. But let me tell you that, whatever happens, when Cyber-X takes his drugs, it's all guaranteed to be cool and interesting! One time, I gulped down a big fistful of the drug "whizz" at my nan's house, and spent an hour hunched over, trying to rub my forehead along the skirting board.
So, that's it - be sure to check into the site every day, perhaps multiple times during the day. It's gonna be top - like a top crab buying a new top in Top Shop! NO NERDS ALLOWED.