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COULD THIS BE THE VERY WORST VIDEO GAME COVER ART OF ALL TIME?

27/3/2019

20 Comments

 
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Frankly, I miss the cover artwork on old games. They might not have been as slick as their slick, modern, digital counterparts, but at least they had character, and a certain homespun charm.

Well, to a point... as this gallery should attest. 

You should be familiar with the drill by now: a load of old games covers, and a load of unnecessary sarcasm. It's not rocket science.
DARKNESS HOUR
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"OMG. I just wanted to cross the stream to tickle the pretty butterfly, you guys, but OMG there's all these skully-skulls in there! I can't believe it. OMG. This truly is the Darkness Hour. OMG."
CUP FINAL
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The 12 year-old who drew and coloured this cover at least had the foresight to leave enough space at the top of the picture for the game's logo. Which, as you can see, the typographer made ample use of. Good work.
FANTASIA DIAMOND
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I am sure that you, like me, will be far, far too distracted by the nose to have noticed anything else in the image above... so allow me to point out the anachronistic robot in the middle distance. 
S.C.OUT
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"S.C.OUT"?? Did somebody get bored trying to think up an acronym, and gave up after the first couple of letters? Or is that the abbreviated form of the main character's name? Slobodan Chisolm Out. 

More importantly, I am deeply, deeply troubled by the off-set angle of the lasers firing into the upper corner of the big green head guy's eye.

It evokes an unfortunate memory of having eye tests, and when they flip my eyelid upon itself so they can put some yellow dye under it, and then, later, it trickles out of my nose.

Back in the day all they'd do is ask me if I could see a silhouette of a horse. Modern eye tests are like something out of Saw.

Please note: I've never seen a Saw film.  
LONE SURVIVOR/WACKY PAINTER
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Here we have two games with such similar thematic overtones that they could only be released as a double-pack; Lone Survivor (in which, apparently. a nightclub reveller has to go around sniffing mushroom clouds), and Wacky Painter (starring the single most unappealing video game protagonist ever conceived... WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIS FACE?!?).
CHWAT
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The only thing more awkward than the title here is the foreshortening perspective on the character's hand (which you likely mistook for boulders at the cave's entrance, due to the godawful rendering). And the size of his top-heavy head, which makes it look as if he's suffering encephalitis. 

Whomever thought this was good enough to stick on the front of a game must've been a right bunch of Chwats. 
BAR GAMES
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The creepy, soft-focus, photograph is fine. Less so the rendering of the title, which appears to be advocating a ban on games - an audacious message to put on your cover.  
VICKY
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Hey, Vicky, you so fine,
You so fine,
You forgot to wear your boots to the pillaging. 
Hey, Vicky!
Hey, Vicky! 
Also, the head of your hammer appears to be drawn on. 
SNAKE ROY
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It's likely you don't remember the Mega Duck handheld. The reason why is because it played host to games like "Snake Roy" - aka "The Snake King" (which, let's face it, would've been a much better title).

​It's not so much the head-on-a-snake's body which makes this image so repellent, as the horrific swollen area just below the head, suggesting some sort of vestigial shoulder joint situation. 
C.I.T.Y. 2000
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The "adventure of a lifetime" in the clumsily-named C.I.T.Y. 2000 would appear to involve stopping amorous clouds from getting off with London landmarks. 

"I've only got 30 minutes to stop that cumulonimbus from tonguing Big Ben's bell, and planting a moist, sticky one atop St Paul's dome!"
VIDEO OLIMPIC
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You probably don't need me to point out why this cover is problematic. Nor the ill-advised attention-seeking behaviour of the caucasian runner. Let's hope he falls flat on his stupid, gurning, face. 
E.T. GO HOME
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Not to be confused with the legendarily bad movie tie-in which destroyed the games industry, E.T Go Home was an unlicensed Atari 2600 maze game, released in most of Europe under the name "UFI und sein gefährlicher Einsatz".

Which roughly translates as "UFI and its dangerous Mission"

Unfortunately, in the territories where it was released under the title E.T Go Home, the cartridge label - which shows E.T/UFI frolicking with a number of anthropomorphic characters, including a slice of blue-buttered toast - the game was misrepresented as "E.T Go Come".

Judging from what's all over the tomato feller's head, he already has...
PIPE RIDER
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Yes: somebody thought it a good idea to name a game "Pipe Rider".
BOMB FUSION
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It must be so embarrassing when your sanitary towel is visible through your silky disco leggings...

​But then, if you're the sort of person who slings a kilt over his shoulder to go to a nightclub, you might not be the sort of person who cares.
BUILDER BEN
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There's no delicate way of putting this, but Builder Ben looks as startled as any of us would be if we'd accidentally found ourselves in the midst off a sentient, giant, housebrick sex party.
20 Comments
James Burton
27/3/2019 09:41:57 am

The Wacky Painter character looks like the result of a failed effort to clone Bob Ross.

Reply
Biscuits
27/3/2019 09:52:20 am

I really like the top one, me

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MENTALIST
27/3/2019 11:38:08 am

I'd quite like to see a game somehow executed entirely in that art style. It's ages since I've seen an attempt at a coloured-pencil renderer. I suppose the modern way to do it would be to just deliver several gigabytes of hand-drawn HD art frames, like in Cuphead.

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Pete Davison link
27/3/2019 10:51:40 am

I remember C.I.T.Y. 2000 (it stands for City In Trouble Year 2000, if you were wondering) -- not because I played it, but because it got ripped to shreds in reviews for being shit. Not surprising, really, considering the entire design concept for the game was pretty much "here are some photographs of London".

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Robobob
27/3/2019 11:09:20 am

I love these awful cover art posts. So many questions...

1 - What the heck is/was Hektivision?
2 - IS that a mushroom cloud in Lone Survivor? It also looks like either a passable tree, or Wacky Painter's hair. Neat.
3 - How does Chwat get gloves to fit him?

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Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
27/3/2019 11:33:27 am

The Wacky Painter looks like what would have happened if Seinfeld had been released in Ghana and they needed a poster.

I thought the white guy on Video Olympic was admiring the black guy’s leg (or hoping for the legendary Alabama Black Snake to slip out)

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Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
27/3/2019 06:08:12 pm

I would add that all Accolade titles in that era used very minimalist box art, usually with some snazzy late 80s photography. Test Drive 3 had a yuppie with pursed lips at the wheel of an unseen sports car.

Young me thought these were very sophisticated, mature products unlike the silly cartoons of other publishers.

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Chris
1/4/2019 08:16:52 pm

I guess it's supposed to be based on Harpo Marx

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Johnc
27/3/2019 12:56:51 pm

I spent an annoying amount of time trying to get the Vicky comment to work with theme to the Vicky The Viking cartoon.

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Gordon Ramsay's furrowed brow
27/3/2019 01:42:56 pm

I don't think there is a single ZX Spectrum game in amongst that lot, which as Derek Findas would say, proves its the best computer ever made.
Ever.

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Adam Villarreal
27/3/2019 02:59:07 pm

That's more semen inferencing than I expected from an article about bad game covers.

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The BV Reviewer
27/3/2019 03:40:03 pm

Whoever had the job of banishing evil in London might've not done a good job as evil clouds have covered the whole world now, speaking of which, one is right above Glasgow and my house now, can I get the military's help?

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THX 1139
27/3/2019 04:16:26 pm

Surprised no one's made the obvious Fantasia Diamond joke... starring Dildo Baggins?

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Sedric-and-Charlie
27/3/2019 04:31:02 pm

Things I want to know about Hopeless:

- is his upper torso actually square or does it rapidly expand in a triangle, and his shirt just sort of hangs that way?
- speaking of torsos, does that woman on his shoulder actually have one, or does she just start at the hips? Also it took me a moment to realise that her right foot does not in fact bloom out into a weird veiny heart-thing
- is it common space etiquette to stick out the pinky finger when holding your laser pistol?
- what ARE those weird veiny heart-things?

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THX 1139
27/3/2019 04:35:05 pm

For a minute there I thought he had an afro.

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S Hawke
27/3/2019 06:39:24 pm

There's a a certain Strontium Dog vibe to the Bomb Fusion cover

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Spiney O'Sullivan
27/3/2019 06:55:52 pm

The cover to Vicky looks like the CD art for someone's terrible self-published metal album, presumably entitled something like "Rage of Jormungandr" or "Myndwarp".

Alternatively it resembles what might have happened if Chris Dane Owens of "Shine on me" fame/infamy had made Atari games.

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FEoD
29/3/2019 06:59:16 am

“the head of your hammer appears to be drawn on”
My eyes are tired, but I’m not entirely convinced by the fidelity of the helmet in the photo either. The costume budget for this Viking adventure mut’ve been about 37p...

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Cc
31/3/2019 10:57:35 am

Fair play with all your multi media activities n such, but this is the good stuff. It is rocket science.

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Danofthewibble
7/4/2019 03:32:04 pm

The guy in Hopeless is clearly a badly traced and inked Knight Rider era Hasselhoff, with eyes like current day Hasselhoff.

Reply



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