Frankly, I miss the cover artwork on old games. They might not have been as slick as their slick, modern, digital counterparts, but at least they had character, and a certain homespun charm.
Well, to a point... as this gallery should attest.
You should be familiar with the drill by now: a load of old games covers, and a load of unnecessary sarcasm. It's not rocket science.
Well, to a point... as this gallery should attest.
You should be familiar with the drill by now: a load of old games covers, and a load of unnecessary sarcasm. It's not rocket science.
DARKNESS HOUR
"OMG. I just wanted to cross the stream to tickle the pretty butterfly, you guys, but OMG there's all these skully-skulls in there! I can't believe it. OMG. This truly is the Darkness Hour. OMG."
CUP FINAL
The 12 year-old who drew and coloured this cover at least had the foresight to leave enough space at the top of the picture for the game's logo. Which, as you can see, the typographer made ample use of. Good work.
FANTASIA DIAMOND
I am sure that you, like me, will be far, far too distracted by the nose to have noticed anything else in the image above... so allow me to point out the anachronistic robot in the middle distance.
S.C.OUT
"S.C.OUT"?? Did somebody get bored trying to think up an acronym, and gave up after the first couple of letters? Or is that the abbreviated form of the main character's name? Slobodan Chisolm Out.
More importantly, I am deeply, deeply troubled by the off-set angle of the lasers firing into the upper corner of the big green head guy's eye.
It evokes an unfortunate memory of having eye tests, and when they flip my eyelid upon itself so they can put some yellow dye under it, and then, later, it trickles out of my nose.
Back in the day all they'd do is ask me if I could see a silhouette of a horse. Modern eye tests are like something out of Saw.
Please note: I've never seen a Saw film.
More importantly, I am deeply, deeply troubled by the off-set angle of the lasers firing into the upper corner of the big green head guy's eye.
It evokes an unfortunate memory of having eye tests, and when they flip my eyelid upon itself so they can put some yellow dye under it, and then, later, it trickles out of my nose.
Back in the day all they'd do is ask me if I could see a silhouette of a horse. Modern eye tests are like something out of Saw.
Please note: I've never seen a Saw film.
LONE SURVIVOR/WACKY PAINTER
Here we have two games with such similar thematic overtones that they could only be released as a double-pack; Lone Survivor (in which, apparently. a nightclub reveller has to go around sniffing mushroom clouds), and Wacky Painter (starring the single most unappealing video game protagonist ever conceived... WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIS FACE?!?).
CHWAT
The only thing more awkward than the title here is the foreshortening perspective on the character's hand (which you likely mistook for boulders at the cave's entrance, due to the godawful rendering). And the size of his top-heavy head, which makes it look as if he's suffering encephalitis.
Whomever thought this was good enough to stick on the front of a game must've been a right bunch of Chwats.
Whomever thought this was good enough to stick on the front of a game must've been a right bunch of Chwats.
BAR GAMES
The creepy, soft-focus, photograph is fine. Less so the rendering of the title, which appears to be advocating a ban on games - an audacious message to put on your cover.
VICKY
Hey, Vicky, you so fine,
You so fine,
You forgot to wear your boots to the pillaging.
Hey, Vicky!
Hey, Vicky!
Also, the head of your hammer appears to be drawn on.
You so fine,
You forgot to wear your boots to the pillaging.
Hey, Vicky!
Hey, Vicky!
Also, the head of your hammer appears to be drawn on.
SNAKE ROY
It's likely you don't remember the Mega Duck handheld. The reason why is because it played host to games like "Snake Roy" - aka "The Snake King" (which, let's face it, would've been a much better title).
It's not so much the head-on-a-snake's body which makes this image so repellent, as the horrific swollen area just below the head, suggesting some sort of vestigial shoulder joint situation.
It's not so much the head-on-a-snake's body which makes this image so repellent, as the horrific swollen area just below the head, suggesting some sort of vestigial shoulder joint situation.
C.I.T.Y. 2000
The "adventure of a lifetime" in the clumsily-named C.I.T.Y. 2000 would appear to involve stopping amorous clouds from getting off with London landmarks.
"I've only got 30 minutes to stop that cumulonimbus from tonguing Big Ben's bell, and planting a moist, sticky one atop St Paul's dome!"
"I've only got 30 minutes to stop that cumulonimbus from tonguing Big Ben's bell, and planting a moist, sticky one atop St Paul's dome!"
VIDEO OLIMPIC
You probably don't need me to point out why this cover is problematic. Nor the ill-advised attention-seeking behaviour of the caucasian runner. Let's hope he falls flat on his stupid, gurning, face.
E.T. GO HOME
Not to be confused with the legendarily bad movie tie-in which destroyed the games industry, E.T Go Home was an unlicensed Atari 2600 maze game, released in most of Europe under the name "UFI und sein gefährlicher Einsatz".
Which roughly translates as "UFI and its dangerous Mission"
Unfortunately, in the territories where it was released under the title E.T Go Home, the cartridge label - which shows E.T/UFI frolicking with a number of anthropomorphic characters, including a slice of blue-buttered toast - the game was misrepresented as "E.T Go Come".
Judging from what's all over the tomato feller's head, he already has...
Which roughly translates as "UFI and its dangerous Mission"
Unfortunately, in the territories where it was released under the title E.T Go Home, the cartridge label - which shows E.T/UFI frolicking with a number of anthropomorphic characters, including a slice of blue-buttered toast - the game was misrepresented as "E.T Go Come".
Judging from what's all over the tomato feller's head, he already has...
PIPE RIDER
Yes: somebody thought it a good idea to name a game "Pipe Rider".
BOMB FUSION
It must be so embarrassing when your sanitary towel is visible through your silky disco leggings...
But then, if you're the sort of person who slings a kilt over his shoulder to go to a nightclub, you might not be the sort of person who cares.
But then, if you're the sort of person who slings a kilt over his shoulder to go to a nightclub, you might not be the sort of person who cares.
BUILDER BEN
There's no delicate way of putting this, but Builder Ben looks as startled as any of us would be if we'd accidentally found ourselves in the midst off a sentient, giant, housebrick sex party.
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