There's nothing more boring than people telling you their dreams - and I should know: I'm a professional dream analyst. Hi. My name is Belvedere Pollon - and I'm a professional dream analyst, which I have now mentioned twice. I'm a little drunk.
I get a lot of clients in my dream clinic - an underpass next to my mother's bungalow - and many of these clients are gamers.
Over time, I have learned two things about these clients: firstly, that many of them share similar dreams. Secondly, that they don't like it when I remove my trousers and pants, even though there's barely anything sexual about it. I just like how it feels - is that a crime? Apparently so.
Anyway. Here are the five or three - depending how drunk I get - most common dreams shared by my gamer clients, and what it is that they mean, probably.
I get a lot of clients in my dream clinic - an underpass next to my mother's bungalow - and many of these clients are gamers.
Over time, I have learned two things about these clients: firstly, that many of them share similar dreams. Secondly, that they don't like it when I remove my trousers and pants, even though there's barely anything sexual about it. I just like how it feels - is that a crime? Apparently so.
Anyway. Here are the five or three - depending how drunk I get - most common dreams shared by my gamer clients, and what it is that they mean, probably.
DREAM 1: You are in a branch of Computer Exchange, and become aware that everyone is looking at you. You glance downwards, and realise that your trousers are damp, through no fault of your own. Also, something about ants.
MEANING: Bungie are secretly conspiring to cap your character's level at 12, and you have Weil's disease, and work in an ant farm, and your name is Anthony or Antonia, and you live in Antwerp, and your parents were ants (you are also an ant).
DREAM 2: You are a time-travelling cartoon crawfish in the court of Louis XIV. You are wearing a name badge, which informs you that your name is "Bono". In a bid to entertain him, you start telling the king about video games, acting out the plot of Dragon Age: Inquisition - despite all of this having yet to be invented. Consequence: you are tried by the Royal Council, and sentenced to be beheaded. Just as the guillotine blade descends, you wake up... in a stranger's bed.
MEANING: You are Bono, or a close friend of Bono who wants to be Bono, and you are frustrated that you can't score more than 140,000 in Geometry Wars 3.
DREAM 3: Due to an administrative mix-up, you have been entered against your will into a professional gaming competition. You practice hard, but a week before the competition your favourite priest is killed by a bear and you are too grief-stricken to take part. The following morning you receive a letter in the post informing you that you are Pingu's biological father.
MEANING: You are PIngu's biological father.
MEANING: Bungie are secretly conspiring to cap your character's level at 12, and you have Weil's disease, and work in an ant farm, and your name is Anthony or Antonia, and you live in Antwerp, and your parents were ants (you are also an ant).
DREAM 2: You are a time-travelling cartoon crawfish in the court of Louis XIV. You are wearing a name badge, which informs you that your name is "Bono". In a bid to entertain him, you start telling the king about video games, acting out the plot of Dragon Age: Inquisition - despite all of this having yet to be invented. Consequence: you are tried by the Royal Council, and sentenced to be beheaded. Just as the guillotine blade descends, you wake up... in a stranger's bed.
MEANING: You are Bono, or a close friend of Bono who wants to be Bono, and you are frustrated that you can't score more than 140,000 in Geometry Wars 3.
DREAM 3: Due to an administrative mix-up, you have been entered against your will into a professional gaming competition. You practice hard, but a week before the competition your favourite priest is killed by a bear and you are too grief-stricken to take part. The following morning you receive a letter in the post informing you that you are Pingu's biological father.
MEANING: You are PIngu's biological father.
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