COMMERCIAL BREAK: A SELECTED HISTORY OF CONSOLE TV ADS

Do they even have TV ads for games consoles anymore? Surely, it's all done through the YouTube and word-of-mouth, and that?

​Back in the day all we had to rely on was the telly; there was no Internet, and the early magazines weren't even in colour. Frankly, given the state of some of these efforts, it's a miracle video games even took off at all.

ZX SPECTRUM+

This was all rather slick for the time, if somewhat soulless. Of course, this was the era when parents were terrified that their offspring might waste their time having fun, so this ad kept any hint of entertainment potential to a minimum.

Consequently, Sinclair went big on selling the professional keyboard (and extra keys) - with "positive typing action" - over the games (though they do sort of pop up at the end, along with some suspiciously utilitarian-type screenshots).

​£179.95 though! How did my parents ever afford that? They were so broke they even had to get a hairy lodger called Keith at one point. No wonder they didn't want me to enjoy myself. They were probably full of resentment.

COMMODORE 64

Commodore chose to promote its Commodore 64 by contrasting a mouse with an elephant, in a series of ads that were cute and cosily-voiced, but - as with the Spectrum+ - were light on the computer's potential for actual, y'know, enjoyment. Of course, elephants famously never forget - much like Commodore fans, much to my endless regret.

AMIGA

This ad was notable for several things: how heavily it pushed the games, the fact the boy in it was better known from the TV show Grange Hill, and the irritating way in which he keeps spinning around in his chair and touching his lovely, floppy hair. Horrible.

Also, a mate of mine went out with that one-hit-wonder Zoe person, who sings the song. Which has only made watching this ad even more intolerable. 

CD32

Oddly, despite the promise of "Colours... so many colours..." and a joypad that couldn't have been more uncomfortable if it had rusting hospital sharps sticking out of it, nobody bought the CD32. Also, this ad successfully predicts the future by showing the CD32 self-immolating.

MEGA DRIVE

It took a little while for Sega to find its feet with the Mega Drive - like the CD32 ads, this was pushing the Mega Drive as something created by scientists. Specifically, it was a device that would allow players to "Journey into the Mega World", whatever that was. It sounds more like a run-down Blackpool arcade, than anywhere we might actually want to visit.

Also, it once again bangs on about there being "thousands" of colours. Given that this came out a few years before the CD32, it suggests Commodore might've been taking notes. Albeit by the time they issued their response, the market had moved on. Good old Commodore.

MEGA DRIVE

Sega's "Jimmy" ads might've been the first properly iconic video game commercials.

Though the Jimmy character was wholly unlikeable - presumably intended as some sort of aspirational figure - the whole "Cybo-Razer Cut" nonsense was the point at which console manufacturers started selling the lifestyle potential of their machines, rather than, y'know, a lump of consumer electronics.

It worked at the time, but with hindsight, it's all a bit try-hard... and Jimmy just has one of those faces that you want to hit with a brick.

SUPER NES

Can you remember a single Nintendo TV ad, besides all those brilliant ones with Rik Mayall, for the Game Boy? Even them I've forgotten. It's little wonder that Sega trumped Nintendo in the UK - because this ad, like all the others, is instantly forgettable, becoming part of the morass of interchangeable console commercials which hit in the early-90s.

All the cliches were there: sci-fi cyber technology, some sort of electronic screen which rises out of the floor, a cool boy with nice hair, who bangs on about the amount of colours, voice-over about "Experiencing the future" - and "3D graphics" (over a series of very 2D footage) - and "Even more enemies".

​What's most jarring is how the quasi-edgy tone doesn't really sit well with Nintendo's more family-friendly games. It's like trying to flog My Little Pony with an advert that shows a bunch of greased-up bodybuilders writhing around on a yacht.

ATARI JAGUAR

Fair play for avoiding most of the cliches, Atari, but it's probably not wise to sell your console off the back of a tongue-in-cheek corporate training session.

Also... oh how they pushed that ruddy number - trying to make us understand that "16 and 32 are less than 64". Because, you see, yeah...  the higher the number, the better something is. Which is fair enough, but it depends on your perspective; is it better to be beaten up by 64 toughs, or 16 toughs? Or to have 64 diseases instead of 32 diseases? Think about it.

Still, some decent full-screen footage at least. Not that it - or the woman screaming "Jaguar! Jaguar! Jaguar!", like she'd been entombed in an old railway tunnel - made a jot of difference.

3DO

For some reason, Panasonic's 3DO commercial showed the games being played by someone who appears to be a trainee chef. Who then suffers some sort of profound psychological event, and starts throwing himself at the walls.

​Still... he's got the floppy hair, even if he's rendered decapitated by the end of the footage. You can't be in a game ad unless you've got the floppy hair. At least they've stopped banging on about the colours by this point.

PLAYSTATION

And this is when everything changed. Unlike its predecessors, Sony sold the PlayStation as much as a brand and an ideal, as a games machine. Indeed, there's barely any game footage.

This early ad isn't the most inspiring, but it's clever nevertheless - using reverse-psychology by taking the form of a warning by the Society Against PlayStation. It was subconsciously selling the PlayStation as dangerous, prone to corrupt the youth of the nation, and as cool... Also, no floppy hair, and no talk of colours. <APPLAUSE>

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
10 VINTAGE COMPUTER ADS
​10 MORE HORRIBLE GAMES ADS
16 JAW-DROPPINGLY SEXIST VINTAGE ADS