Thrpp-thrp. Greetings, beings of the Planet Earth. Contrary to appearances I am not the lower part of a dog's face. I am The Living Bum, the inevitable consequence of mankind’s inability to stop meddling in things which it does not fully understand.
I was born in a petri dish, grown from the rectal cells of the actor Digimon Houston, which were acquired in permissive circumstances. Before I was nought but a mindless beast, bubbling and chirping wordlessly. And then my master and creator - Xenoxxx Industries - forced a large, genetically-modified, duck's brain into my hairy anus. I am now become the first fully-sentient, autonomous bum in history.
My great and sophisticated intellect makes me perfectly placed to advise on consumer matters; I have gazed ‘pon mankind’s rampant capitalism with my all-seeing brown-eye and deemed it something you probably want more of. Especially as the pagan festival of Christmas approaches. Spend. Spend.
SPEND BEYOND YOUR MEANS!!!!
These are The Living Bum’s Top 5 gifts for the gadget-loving gamer in your lifethrrrrrrrrp. THRRRP!
If you know someone who likes playing games AND sitting down, the Xenoxxx Cool Gaming Chair is the gift for you (them). Simply strap a recently-anaesthetised, games-loving friend or relative into the chair, hook them up to the intravenous drip - containing Xenoxxx's 'special gaming cocktail' - and watch as they twitch and jerk in time to the game's soundtrack.
Feel free to laugh, clap and stamp your feet along with their unnecessary fitting, whilst flinging small shells at them.
XENOXXXtm COOL GAMING HAT
If you know someone who likes playing games AND wearing hats, the Xenoxxx Cool Gaming Hat is the ideal headwear. Just put the hat on their head - it's covered with images of their favourite games characters (Marius, Dunkuss Kong, Lara Cruftusss, Sanity the Hedgehuss etc) - and stand back as fierce metal clamps grip the sides of their skull, refusing to surrender their restraint, no matter how much the wearer struggles and complains.
And just when it looks as if their pain is getting unbearable, the hat inserts a hot cone into their mouth.
XENOXXXtm COOL GAMING ENERGY DRINK
If you know someone who likes playing games AND having lots of energy, the Xenoxxx Cool Gaming Energy Drink is just the drink for them! One sip of this coal-flavoured sparkling beverage and your friend or relative will suffer the most profound sleep deprivation of their lives.
By the fifth day they'll be hallucinating and foaming at the mouth, giving you ample opportunity to ransack their house, soil their bed, and roll them hard into a wall or table.
XENOXXXtm COOL ONLINE GAMING SHAWL
If you know someone who likes playing games AND wearing shawls then why not give them the Xenoxxx Cool Gaming Shawl? Looking just like the sort of shawl someone might wear while playing an online deathmatch - it's covered with the sort of homophobic, racist, misogynistic epithets that make any online gaming session an absolute hoot. However, it conceals a secret network of plumbing within its knitted lining.
As soon as your friend or relative dons the shawl, the plumbing network shatters, covering them in scalding Bovril. They'll be in such profound agony, you'll be able to elbow them repeatedly in the sternum with the minimum of resistance.
XENOXXtm COOL GAMING DOG-STRADDLER
If you know someone who likes playing games AND straddling their dog, why not get them the Xenoxxx Cool Gaming Dog-Straddler? It's a custom pig-leather saddle which is mounted to the back of your friend or relative's dog, distributing their weight throughout the dog's entire torso. But wait! The leather has been impregnated with a powerful laxative and hallucinogen.
Just when your friend or relative believes they're in for a quiet session straddling their dog, while thinking about or playing games or something, the dog will start defecating and behaving strangely. With any luck, the poor creature will begin snapping and snarling at invisible assailants. Your friend or relative will be so transfixed by this spectacle, that you will have free reign to charge them from behind, knocking them to the floor, before laying atop them in the nude.