Come, witness the defrocked delights of my Nude Village, formerly Bellend’s Caravan Park in the ineffable seaside hamlet of Peans. Why not peel off your Cubans, and extract yourself from those soil-slicked overalls? As you approach the reception hall, our residents will step out from behind their gazebos to greet you with a lively, adenoidal grunt of acknowledgement, and several involuntarily jerks of their hips.
I now invite you to splay confidently astride our communal picnic trough. Nobody will judge your holes, and we have a wide selection of pre-peeled, all-nude, fruits for you to sample; kindly place your hands behind your back, bend slowly from the waist, and bury your face in the soft, moist harvest.
Young(ish) and old, fat and even fatter, rich and poor (but not too poor) – almost everyone is welcome here (though between you and me, you’ll have a much better chance of fitting in if you’re a bit on the racist side).
We have many activities for the nude and nude-at-heart here at Nude Village: our daily, fists-on-the-hips, stride around the dried-up lakebed, chaperoned by a man who claims to be a former Bishop of Rochester; nude selfie seminars hosted by our resident ex-jailbird, Polaroid Steve; our wildly popular nudity workshops with Bare Derek (book early: last month’s “Nudity Squared – How To Be Even Nuder” was dangerously oversubscribed)…
- No lewd conduct (except in the ditch behind the clubhouse).
- No footwear (other than cowboy boots).
- No more than three buttock slaps permitted per guest per day.
- No capes.
- No crepes (allergies).
- No scaring the hens (well… those hens that are still left anyway).
- No tri-tunnels (a foreign-looking gentleman, sporting a ripe triptych of anuses, once visited the village, causing all manner of merry havoc, chirping and chirruping from all three passages at once).
However, there is one thing that we nudes here at Nude Village love even more than The Buff – and that’s supplying you, our patrons, with all the latest chips and teats for your favourite video games.
Peel those batwings from your thighs, my fellow dishabilles: here come the teats!
Looking for some easy money in this popular, multifaceted, dregs-of-humanity sim? First strip off, recline on your chaise lounge or kitchen counter, and rub tapas into your sternum and abs (try not to worry about what people think).
Now start playing the game, and embark on discovering a way to raise some easy money (in the game). You’ll probably find a method sooner or later, if you try hard enough.
Wanting to earn the Botanist trophy? First remove your clothes, load up the game, find some way to earn the Botanist trophy – that’s something to do with plants, or exposed bottoms, I’d imagine – and then earn it. Truly, it couldn’t be simpler! Just make sure you’re utterly and profoundly leafless as you do so.
POKEMON X (3DS)
Want to unlock Mewtwo? Ensure you’re naked twixt toes and top, and that the game cartridge is inserted in your 3DS. Then start playing the game, while making sure you don’t accidentally put on some clothes. Keep playing until you find out a way to unlock Mewtwo, whomever or whatever that is. I say again: PLEASE DO NOT GET DRESSED WHILST PLAYING THIS GAME.
Keen to unlock the Duck Hunt stage, in this hyperactive brawling jamboree? It’s simplicity itself! Check your reflection in a full-length mirror to be completely sure that not a shred of clothing remains upon your person. Now, begin playing the game. Don’t give up until you’ve unlocked the Duck Hunt stage through trial and error. Please be aware: this tip will not fully satisfy unless you are utterly defrocked.
THE SIMS 4 (PC)
Seeking a way to make all property in this gibberish-based reality simulator absolutely free? Step 1: unfasten your clothing, and remove it in whichever way you deem quickest. Step 2: Start playing the game. Step 3: Start doing random things until you’ve found a way to make all property absolutely free! Step 4: Soil your clothes to be completely certain you won’t be tempted to put them back on.
And now that the teats have concluded, comes the time for your delousing ceremony in the ditch behind the clubhouse. Please bring a metal comb, and some ointment for the scrapes.
And that's all the nudes!