Why, hello there. I saw you earlier, lurking in the marble alcove as you supped at your malbec, and wondered when you'd finally catch my eye. I've been slowly winking at you from behind my gatto masque for almost an hour now, and was just about ready to feign a seizure in order to capture your attention.
But now you're here, look what I've sequestered in my cummerbund. That's right - it's a list; a list of the finest bearded video game characters in all of creation.
Come along now - let's squat down behind the ice nymph, and browse it together, while gasping on a couple of fine Cubans...
But now you're here, look what I've sequestered in my cummerbund. That's right - it's a list; a list of the finest bearded video game characters in all of creation.
Come along now - let's squat down behind the ice nymph, and browse it together, while gasping on a couple of fine Cubans...
10. SIR ARTHUR (GHOSTS N' GOBLINS)
Oh, my sweet amber knight - who doesn't like a few ginger wisps beneath the helmet? Lest we forget that Sir Arthur is a man who isn't averse to running around, practically au natural, in his briefs. And why shouldn't he, when all our attention is locked onto that impressive cinnamon thatch?
9. SOLID SNAKE (METAL GEAR SOLID)
9. SOLID SNAKE (METAL GEAR SOLID)
That camo gear isn't going to hide you from me for long, not when I know that impressive designer stubble is waiting at the end of the rainbow (if you catch my drift). And why exactly do they call you Solid Snake, again...? The speculation alone is giving me palpitations...
8. ZANGIEF (STREET FIGHTER)
What's better than an angry Russian, covered in scars, sporting sculpted chest hair that looks like a downward arrow? All of the above, coupled to a thick, chocolate Vandyke, and an unflinching stare that just dares you to yank on it.
7. JOEL (THE LAST OF US)
"Armageddon" myself a slice of that rough-hewn, lived-in, pie. But then... who wouldn't? The plaid, the salt-and-pepper, unkempt, man's man look... Oh Joel... if you were the only boy in the world, and I was the only other boy, what times we would have. No fungal infections would call a halt to our merry frolics at The End of All Things.
6. GORDON FREEMAN (HALF-LIFE)
And here he is again. Like a hipster Walter White. His soft goatee informs me that this is a man who cares about his appearance. If he's shaving his cheeks, one has to ponder what else he keeps smooth?
5. MARCUS FENIX (GEARS OF WAR)
The soulpatch - or "Under-Adolf" - isn't technically a beard, but I simply couldn't restrain myself putting this hulking brute on my list. Were we ever to spend the weekend together, I'm sure all of high society would "Marcus" out as a couple of fine swells...
4. CRANKY KONG (DONKEY KONG COUNTRY)
I didn't even know it was possible for an ape to grow a beard, but based upon this simian sweetie - you can count me in! Just look at that flowing creation. It's impossible not to want to part it with your fingers. It looks like silk, and his mouth resembles nothing more than a gluteal cleft. I just want to push my face into it, and lose all sense of reason. One has to consider Darwin's motivation for linking us to our primate cousins. Wasn't it Henry VIII who changed the law to marry his cousin? Well, if he looked anything like Cranky here - who can blame him?
3. DARUNIA (LEGEND OF ZELDA)
This subterranean type has teased his beard into points. He can certainly tease me... to a point. And that point is the point of no return.
2. LE CHUCK (THE SECRET OF MONKEY ISLAND)
I can't say I've ever fully considered going there with a zombie pirate, but with that seemingly never-ending facial fuzz he can fire his cannon across my starboard bow, and sink me to the bottom, whenever he likes...
1. PRINCESS PEACH (SUPER MARIO)
Let us just leave this here, shall we...?
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