Video Games without all the boring bits

CHART CAT: The 10 Most Sensual Characters in Gaming

23/1/2015

Gosh. I am sorry. Didn't see you there. It's the tuxedo, I think - you blend into the shadows, like a bruise upon a bruise. Don't mind me though - I just popped out from the bal masqué to drag on a couple of Pall Malls behind the topiary hens.

While I'm here, why don't I show you what I've got rolled-up in my pocket? Don't be alarmed, my sweet, pastry-skinned nymph. No need to flinch. It's just a Top 10 list I compiled while bouncing on my haunches near the Governor's punchbowl.

Oh, look - I'm nearly down to the filter. We're almost out of time. I'll just gently press the list to your eyes, and reveal to you the lurid details of the Top 10 Most Sensual Characters in Video Gaming History...

10. SACKBOY
Nobody adopts a nickname like Sackboy purely on a whim. One can but speculate, but I'm sure we'd all have our own theories. Just look at that blissful grin. Something just made him happy. And what's lurking beneath that zipper, young man? Let's hope it's not your lungs, diaphragm and intestines... if you know what I mean? <SUGGESTIVE WINK>

9. YOSHI
Heavens. That tongue. Just lapping up the apples and disgorging the eggs. Such control. Such a length! And rarely have I seen a reproductive system operate in such a manner. It must be unique in all of creation, and one dearly has to wonder what else it is capable of...

8. KIRBY
First he breathes you in, and then he becomes you. I briefly dated a co-dependent Ukrainian who was a bit like that. Fabulous times, but then you'd come home to find your best lounge suit rather soiled, and your undies inverted upon the hearthrug. Flattery has its limits.

7. GORDON FREEMAN
Who doesn't like the strong silent type? And when he comes armed with those cod-intellectual specs and an enormous crowbar, well, doesn't it just make you want to melt? And while we're talking about Gordon's big, red tool - I've certainly got a few sticky windows around my Kensington apartment that I wouldn't mind him "jemmying open"...

6. DONKEY KONG
The trouble with dating an ape is the fuzz. Frankly, it gets everywhere - your nostrils, your lips, under your nails... And it makes rubbing on the sensual oil something of a frightful grind. DK gets on this list through his strong jawline alone. But please - have you never heard of waxing? Pop round one evening and I'd be happy to give a demonstration.

5. PIKACHU
He's so utterly joyful and innocent, one almost daren't corrupt him. But - curse me - I simply wouldn't be able to resist. In short, Pikachu, I wouldn't mind a cheeky "peek at you" in the changing rooms at your local baths. Don't mind if I take a few snaps for my private collection, do you? I promise they'll remain for my eyes only.

4. LINK
Call me old fashioned, but I lose all control when presented with a spry young turk in a minidress - especially when he's wearing chainmail beneath it. What's so vital that you've got to protect it at such length, mmm? Why don't you lift up your hem and put us all out of our misery...?

3. KRATOS (GOD OF WAR)
I'm afraid to say that I'm a sucker for a spot of Greek - especially when they look like they've been carved out of granite like this immortal skinhead. Let's hope they don't send you back to hell for the umpteenth time, Kratos. But don't worry - I've got an inkling that I can find a way to help you rise once more...

2. "SOAP" McTAVISH
This grizzled mohawk from the Call of Duty franchise piques my curiosity for his name alone. Evidently, pumping rounds into foreigners makes one frightfully filthy. Certainly, when I could be said to have spent the day doing the same, I've had to run a hot bath and "soap up"

1. BULBASAUR
I don't wish to seem crude, but he'd certainly have a sore bulb after I'd finished with him.

25 Comments

The School Boy

23/1/2015 02:50:36 am

So horribly confused

Chris link

23/1/2015 03:04:17 am

OK, who are you and what have you done with Chart Cat? You're not even a cat! Worst. Disguise. Ever.

handsomecrab

23/1/2015 03:10:41 am

So horribly disturbed!

23/1/2015 03:16:04 am

PS I refuse to believe the man strangling the cat on Digi of Yore is actually Chart Cat.

Mr Biffo

23/1/2015 03:51:17 am

Chart Cat was never an actual cat! He was always depicted holding a cat mask...

23/1/2015 04:07:33 am

Ah, I see - it is a mask. I always thought the cat was Chart Cat and he was being strangled by the man, probably being forced to produce lists of games from sales figures, for the entertainment of the Digitiser-reading public. You people sicken me.

Anyway, sans mask he is no longer Chart Cat, just a slightly creepy looking man who probably needs a good talking to by the RSPCA. No cat (mask or otherwise), no acknowledgement that this is Chart Cat. Them's the rules.

23/1/2015 04:38:33 am

I refer the honourable member to the following images: http://40.media.tumblr.com/e6aaaf4d40d8e9c44bb5b70d628bb811/tumblr_nhrbybmpjj1rdyyyuo1_500.png

and

http://40.media.tumblr.com/30765e62c2c5c9c8e669e7bd0438d331/tumblr_n7n39eglHE1rdyyyuo1_500.png

23/1/2015 04:44:28 am

The second is what I remember. The first... OK, you got me.

However, I stand by my comments that he is a creepy man who needs a good talking to by the RSPCA (or the RSPCVGC - the Royal Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Video Game Characters).

Also, I still demand this: Cats.

Turlough

25/1/2015 07:12:49 am

Yeah, I always thought Chart Cat was an actual cat with a human butler who held him aloft to speak (possibly ventriloquising his thoughts).

But then I always thought The Man's Daddy was wearing a hockey mask!

Antony Adler

23/1/2015 03:56:12 am

I briefly dated a co-dependent Ukrainian who was a bit like that.

Genius !

MrPSB

23/1/2015 05:08:11 am

I found this to be thoroughly stimulating and would definitely come back for a second tickle of my funny "bone".

23/1/2015 06:09:28 am

Chart Cat will return...

St Michael Patron Saint of Pants

23/1/2015 05:45:57 am

I am very much enjoying the new-and-improved-yet-still-familiar artwork of Digi 2000.

23/1/2015 06:09:55 am

This is highly wonderful news! I'm very much enjoying doing it.

Mr Smith

23/1/2015 06:41:07 am

The ironic thing is, without looking at Digi of old, this new artwork is how I remembered the old artwork as being. Only after browsing the always awesome Super Page 58 again did it refresh the recollections on what Teletext was actually like. One's memories, eh?

Bruce Flagpole 1138

23/1/2015 06:45:34 am

'Evidently, pumping rounds into foreigners makes one frightfully filthy. Certainly, when I could be said to have spent the day doing the same, I've had to run a hot bath and "soap up"' :)

Mooo

23/1/2015 06:50:05 am

It's pretty to difficult to read this in anything but the most saucy of voices.

23/1/2015 07:59:04 am

I wonder if it's the same saucy voice I have in my head?

George

23/1/2015 03:56:40 pm

Something like this, sir? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-418SbXncFA

Chris

23/1/2015 12:27:36 pm

Well I thought I'd give Digitiser 2000 a try and stumbled upon this article. I have not laughed this much at a website ever. I shall definitely be coming back for more.

23/1/2015 12:47:53 pm

Very pleased to hear that, Chris! Glad to be of service...

Dan link

23/1/2015 02:01:05 pm

Wait, the green clothed character from Zelda isn't called Zelda?

*Pauses for a moment*

You say he's a BLOKE?

Oh no...

23/1/2015 03:58:24 pm

I distinctly remember Chart Cat was left outside and "died of cold". I'm thrilled to see he got better though.

24/1/2015 01:53:54 am

George - yep. Terry Thomas. That's the one! I also vaguely recall Chart Chat dying of cold. Didn't we replace him with Nanny Sutton, or something?

24/1/2015 03:15:33 am

I have absolutely no memory of Nanny Sutton. Nothing. It's almost certainly due to being overcome with grief when Chart Cat died.

CHART CAT: The 10 Most Sensual Characters in Gaming

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