Gosh. I am sorry. Didn't see you there. It's the tuxedo, I think - you blend into the shadows, like a bruise upon a bruise. Don't mind me though - I just popped out from the bal masqué to drag on a couple of Pall Malls behind the topiary hens.
While I'm here, why don't I show you what I've got rolled-up in my pocket? Don't be alarmed, my sweet, pastry-skinned nymph. No need to flinch. It's just a Top 10 list I compiled while bouncing on my haunches near the Governor's punchbowl.
Oh, look - I'm nearly down to the filter. We're almost out of time. I'll just gently press the list to your eyes, and reveal to you the lurid details of the Top 10 Most Sensual Characters in Video Gaming History...
While I'm here, why don't I show you what I've got rolled-up in my pocket? Don't be alarmed, my sweet, pastry-skinned nymph. No need to flinch. It's just a Top 10 list I compiled while bouncing on my haunches near the Governor's punchbowl.
Oh, look - I'm nearly down to the filter. We're almost out of time. I'll just gently press the list to your eyes, and reveal to you the lurid details of the Top 10 Most Sensual Characters in Video Gaming History...
10. SACKBOY
Nobody adopts a nickname like Sackboy purely on a whim. One can but speculate, but I'm sure we'd all have our own theories. Just look at that blissful grin. Something just made him happy. And what's lurking beneath that zipper, young man? Let's hope it's not your lungs, diaphragm and intestines... if you know what I mean? <SUGGESTIVE WINK>
Nobody adopts a nickname like Sackboy purely on a whim. One can but speculate, but I'm sure we'd all have our own theories. Just look at that blissful grin. Something just made him happy. And what's lurking beneath that zipper, young man? Let's hope it's not your lungs, diaphragm and intestines... if you know what I mean? <SUGGESTIVE WINK>
9. YOSHI
Heavens. That tongue. Just lapping up the apples and disgorging the eggs. Such control. Such a length! And rarely have I seen a reproductive system operate in such a manner. It must be unique in all of creation, and one dearly has to wonder what else it is capable of...
Heavens. That tongue. Just lapping up the apples and disgorging the eggs. Such control. Such a length! And rarely have I seen a reproductive system operate in such a manner. It must be unique in all of creation, and one dearly has to wonder what else it is capable of...
8. KIRBY
First he breathes you in, and then he becomes you. I briefly dated a co-dependent Ukrainian who was a bit like that. Fabulous times, but then you'd come home to find your best lounge suit rather soiled, and your undies inverted upon the hearthrug. Flattery has its limits.
First he breathes you in, and then he becomes you. I briefly dated a co-dependent Ukrainian who was a bit like that. Fabulous times, but then you'd come home to find your best lounge suit rather soiled, and your undies inverted upon the hearthrug. Flattery has its limits.
7. GORDON FREEMAN
Who doesn't like the strong silent type? And when he comes armed with those cod-intellectual specs and an enormous crowbar, well, doesn't it just make you want to melt? And while we're talking about Gordon's big, red tool - I've certainly got a few sticky windows around my Kensington apartment that I wouldn't mind him "jemmying open"...
Who doesn't like the strong silent type? And when he comes armed with those cod-intellectual specs and an enormous crowbar, well, doesn't it just make you want to melt? And while we're talking about Gordon's big, red tool - I've certainly got a few sticky windows around my Kensington apartment that I wouldn't mind him "jemmying open"...
6. DONKEY KONG
The trouble with dating an ape is the fuzz. Frankly, it gets everywhere - your nostrils, your lips, under your nails... And it makes rubbing on the sensual oil something of a frightful grind. DK gets on this list through his strong jawline alone. But please - have you never heard of waxing? Pop round one evening and I'd be happy to give a demonstration.
The trouble with dating an ape is the fuzz. Frankly, it gets everywhere - your nostrils, your lips, under your nails... And it makes rubbing on the sensual oil something of a frightful grind. DK gets on this list through his strong jawline alone. But please - have you never heard of waxing? Pop round one evening and I'd be happy to give a demonstration.
5. PIKACHU
He's so utterly joyful and innocent, one almost daren't corrupt him. But - curse me - I simply wouldn't be able to resist. In short, Pikachu, I wouldn't mind a cheeky "peek at you" in the changing rooms at your local baths. Don't mind if I take a few snaps for my private collection, do you? I promise they'll remain for my eyes only.
He's so utterly joyful and innocent, one almost daren't corrupt him. But - curse me - I simply wouldn't be able to resist. In short, Pikachu, I wouldn't mind a cheeky "peek at you" in the changing rooms at your local baths. Don't mind if I take a few snaps for my private collection, do you? I promise they'll remain for my eyes only.
4. LINK
Call me old fashioned, but I lose all control when presented with a spry young turk in a minidress - especially when he's wearing chainmail beneath it. What's so vital that you've got to protect it at such length, mmm? Why don't you lift up your hem and put us all out of our misery...?
Call me old fashioned, but I lose all control when presented with a spry young turk in a minidress - especially when he's wearing chainmail beneath it. What's so vital that you've got to protect it at such length, mmm? Why don't you lift up your hem and put us all out of our misery...?
3. KRATOS (GOD OF WAR)
I'm afraid to say that I'm a sucker for a spot of Greek - especially when they look like they've been carved out of granite like this immortal skinhead. Let's hope they don't send you back to hell for the umpteenth time, Kratos. But don't worry - I've got an inkling that I can find a way to help you rise once more...
I'm afraid to say that I'm a sucker for a spot of Greek - especially when they look like they've been carved out of granite like this immortal skinhead. Let's hope they don't send you back to hell for the umpteenth time, Kratos. But don't worry - I've got an inkling that I can find a way to help you rise once more...
2. "SOAP" McTAVISH
This grizzled mohawk from the Call of Duty franchise piques my curiosity for his name alone. Evidently, pumping rounds into foreigners makes one frightfully filthy. Certainly, when I could be said to have spent the day doing the same, I've had to run a hot bath and "soap up"
This grizzled mohawk from the Call of Duty franchise piques my curiosity for his name alone. Evidently, pumping rounds into foreigners makes one frightfully filthy. Certainly, when I could be said to have spent the day doing the same, I've had to run a hot bath and "soap up"
1. BULBASAUR
I don't wish to seem crude, but he'd certainly have a sore bulb after I'd finished with him.
I don't wish to seem crude, but he'd certainly have a sore bulb after I'd finished with him.
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