Well hello there. What brings you to the Marquis' gala reception? Don't tremble, my sweet young fellow - I won't bite (without permission). I just want to know a little about you. I saw you from across the lawn, peering at me through the gazebo trellis, and I'm afraid it rather piqued my curiosity.
What was it about me that had you so rapt? Was it the way I supped at my Malbec? How I'd dip my tongue into the rim, before taking a big glug? I've heard it's quite the unique way to finish a glass. Still, while I have your attention, there's something I want to share with you - it's tattooed on my inner shin: a list of my ten favourite video game creators.
Why don't you crouch down and take a better look? Here - I'll stand legs akimbo, and roll up my hem so you can properly press your face to my bare shinskin...
What was it about me that had you so rapt? Was it the way I supped at my Malbec? How I'd dip my tongue into the rim, before taking a big glug? I've heard it's quite the unique way to finish a glass. Still, while I have your attention, there's something I want to share with you - it's tattooed on my inner shin: a list of my ten favourite video game creators.
Why don't you crouch down and take a better look? Here - I'll stand legs akimbo, and roll up my hem so you can properly press your face to my bare shinskin...
10. RALPH BAER
If only the so-called "Father of Video Games" was still around, I'd have surely invited him to be my daddy. Why, I've even penned a modest little ditty about it:
"If you go down to the woods today, be sure of a big surprise. If you go down to the woods today, you'd better go in disguise. For every Baer that ever there was will gather there for certain, because today's the day that daddy Baer gets his knicks licked."
"If you go down to the woods today, be sure of a big surprise. If you go down to the woods today, you'd better go in disguise. For every Baer that ever there was will gather there for certain, because today's the day that daddy Baer gets his knicks licked."
9. CLIFFY B
I'm reliably informed that this grinning buck was involved with the Unreal franchise and Gears of War. I'm not interested in any of that, to be frightfully honest. All I know is that there'd be a "Bluebird over the White Cliff of Ben-Dover" by the time I'd finished with him. Cliffy B? Cliffy XXX more like.
8. DINO DINI
British development legend Dino Dini created the Kick-Off series, apparently. Frankly, all the dinos I've known about have been fossilised - but I'm sure I could speed up the process with young Master Dini here. A few moments with me and he'd be as rock hard as all the other Dinos.
7. LORD BRITISH
So this is Richard Garriott, the self-styled Lord British, of the Ultimate series of role-playing games. All I can say is... I'd happily award him a real "peerage", and request that he become my "Lord and Master". Can Lords awards knighthoods? Never mind. I'll get down on my knees for him regardless, and brace for the tap of his sword on my shoulders.
6. HIDEO KOJIMA
Hideo Kojima created Metal Gear Solid, a game wherein the player must hide his Solid Snake in a brown box.
5. KEN LEVINE
Ken you dig it? Yes you Ken! The BioShock mastermind looks casual-classy in his black polo shirt and jeans, with his well-toned forearms and wrists that look as if they've seen a lot of use. In this photograph, it looks like Ken's sending me a signal. Frankly, it's enough to give my biology a shock.
4. SHIGERU MIYAMOTO
Nintendo's Mario man is known to his friends as "Shiggsy", so I'm told. What's he doing with his fingers there? It looks like he's got something on the end of them, and is about to have a sniff. Well, who can blame him? What a trophy!
3. YUJI NAKA
Yuji Naka? "You'd Be Knackered" more like - because he certainly would be after we'd collected a few golden rings together, and taken some circuits around his "special stage".
2. TIM SCHAFER
Wel hello, big man! I understand Timothy here upset the GamerGaters recently with his comments about sock puppets. Still, if he ever fancies a move away from pointing and clicking, into ventriloquism, I'd happily let him use me as his sock puppet. If you can picture that...
1. WILL WRIGHT
The Sims man has the kindest of faces. While researching a little more about him, I stumbled across the following information about "wheelwrights": "Construction for wheels such as those used in early chariots were bound by rawhide that would be applied wet and would shrink whilst drying."
I'm sure you're all thinking what I'm thinking... but if Will ever does fancy entering the wheel-building trade, I'd happily moisten his raw hide for him, followed by the inevitable shrinkage as it all dries...
I'm sure you're all thinking what I'm thinking... but if Will ever does fancy entering the wheel-building trade, I'd happily moisten his raw hide for him, followed by the inevitable shrinkage as it all dries...
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