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CHART CAT: DRAGON USER MAGAZINE

31/5/2018

16 Comments

 
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"Goodness. It has been a while since we two last crossed paths. What an absolute delight it is to bump against you once again, here at another of the ambassador's legendary soirees. Allow me to bring you up to speed with recent developments.

"I have of late been bolstering my collection of magazines with back issues of Dragon User. You remember the Dragon 32 don't you? It was the proverbial also-ran in the 1980s personal computer stakes.

"Come, take my hand, and let us peruse my back issues together. I promise I shan't issue upon your back (unless that's what you're into)..."
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"Oh, Tony, Tony, Tone. How I'd like to grip that necktie of yours between my teeth, and help you to 'Tone up'. What's that in your right hand? Is it a floppy? Well, it shan't be after I've examined your 'input and output' terminals. Furthermore, could those pantaloons be any more tight? I can practically see what I'm having for dinner. I do believe it's time for a hot roast.

"Say now, after we've eaten, why don't we compare printers? You wouldn't believe how quickly mine can spew out a ream of white."
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"Mmm-hmm. There's nothing I prefer to see more than a shiny, hairless dome. This fellow is attempting to turn his Dragon into a word processor. I'm more interested in it remaining a dragon. Tell me, my glabrous beau, does yours spit fire? I fear if I got too close I'd be burned. Tie me to a stake; I'm more than willing to sacrifice my purity to your scaly monster.

"Look how his fingers are spread across the keyboard. They've got quite a reach, and I do appreciate how his little pinky is jutting out there. Naturally, it's what you do with the pinky that counts..." 
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"Look at the come-to-bed eyes sported by this drowsy cove. Perhaps somebody slipped something into his tea. If not, I'd be more than happy to slip him something, if you gather my drift. One lump or two? I assume you like yours with cream? 

"I see he's wearing a dark woollen sweater with chunky cuffs. He'll certainly be a sweater after I've pulled his cuff back a few times. No need to be coy; let's see those hairy wrists in action, my sweet."
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"My hair is always so full of dried, white flakes that people are telling me continuously that I need some Head & Shoulders. Suffice to say, I'm happy to skip the shoulders in this instance, and simply accept the head. I've heard of hot wax before, but this fellow is practically molten. Ironically, I appear to be the one that's dripping.

​"Furthermore, I note what a pronounced snout he has. It's almost like a beak. You won't hear any complaints from me. I do love a good pecker."
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"Ooh, the silver fox is doing his accounts. I do wonder whether he's using an Excel spreadsheet. If not, I'd be happy to demonstrate how I excel at spreading myself on the sheets.

​"Perhaps we could work on his books together, though I should warn him that I have been known to make the occasional double entry. Let's just hope he's projecting for inflation. I've a feeling that his assets are only going to increase in the very near future..."
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"Ah, chess. The sport of kings. I've ample experience of slipping my bishop into a white square. Talk about taking the queen - I've taken plenty! I do love to play against a computer, mind - and I'm talking Deep Blue... two of the best words in the English tongue. 

"Note his veiny, chiselled hands there. They're so craggy and masculine that they're making my own veins pop out. 

"Also, we should note that he's wearing a brown leather blazer. My leathery blazer rarely starts out as brown... but it usually is by the end."
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16 Comments
MrPSB
31/5/2018 11:29:34 am

I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW

Reply
Nick
31/5/2018 11:43:29 am

I bloody love dirty accountancy talk.

Reply
David W
31/5/2018 02:59:01 pm

Q: How do accountants describe the attractive?

A: EBITA alright.

Reply
AcidBeard
31/5/2018 08:15:52 pm

They're quite partial to a good bit of Double Entry.

AcidBeard
31/5/2018 08:20:26 pm

Q: How do accountants predict menstrual cycles?

A: Gash flow forecasting

Eemus
31/5/2018 11:48:50 am

Wondrous bounteous filth, who knew Acton is the home of hairy wrists

Reply
Trevor Cod
31/5/2018 12:19:44 pm

Oh man, I was only thinking about Chart Cat this morning too. Today is a good day.

Reply
foofly
31/5/2018 01:36:09 pm

I feel the need for a cigarette, and a shower.

Reply
superfog
31/5/2018 03:04:40 pm

Hooray for Chart Cat!

MOAR CHART CAT PLZ!!!

Reply
Ships
31/5/2018 03:56:45 pm

nice of Charles Dance to pose for the February issue, had no idea he was a dragon user

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Nikki
31/5/2018 04:38:31 pm

I'm far too innocent to get these jokes

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Craig g
31/5/2018 06:00:40 pm

I got several letters published in this mag! Posting helpful hints on winter soft games

Reply
Robobob
31/5/2018 07:47:06 pm

I just like the really geeky bits of the cover blurb, but they need more exclamation marks (and an Insincere Dave comment).

Dynafast compiler!!! I'm going to compile the heck out of that Dynafast!!!!!
Relocatable machine code!!!! I can't wait to read this issue!!!!!!!
Sideways ROM? More like f**k me sideways ROM!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!

Reply
Jim
31/5/2018 11:38:54 pm

Enjoyed this cat lips, Epson dump should have had a mention

Reply
Puff
1/6/2018 11:30:25 am

I'd love to go back to 1983.

Not really.

Reply
CdrJameson
8/6/2018 11:40:48 am

'Movement made simple'?

Reply



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