CHART CAT - 16 Valentine's Day Vintage Computing Hunks

Barely have I finished replying to the cards I received following the unforeseen capers of the last Valentine's Ball, than the season of love and massacres is upon us again. 

Naturally, not everyone can be so smothered with admirers as oneself, and it's to the loneliest unfortunates that I turn my lusty gaze today.

Come - press your lips to the rim of my champagne flute, as I run down my favourite dapper hunks from the golden age of computing. Trust me, these virile beauties aren't just for Valentine's Day: you'll be willing to embrace them in the folds of your aorta at any time of year.

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16. HARRISON

Harrison here is clearly hoping to evoke the Musketeer look, with his flowing curls and rapier moustache. And just look at his thigh: a special quick-access pocket for storing prophylactics, I assume. Mmmm... he can unsheathe his spindly foil and stab me with it any day.

15. BRUNO

Here's Bruno, spooning his lover Samuel Pepys - who is himself sporting a "Pepys-hole camisole". It takes a brave man to cut his own fringe, but I have little doubt that Harrison is anything but all man - from his medical emergency bracelet to his "come to bed and play Last Ninja 2 with me" eyes.

14. BOB

Bob may be lacking anything in the mouth department barring his top two incisors, but I'm not afraid to admit being wooed by his bundles of cash. I have enormous respect for a man who isn't afraid to "splash out". Indeed, he can "splash out" and "make it rain" on me whenever he likes...

13. CRISPIN

Crispin here is certainly enjoying becoming a "plinker", and who can blame him? I'm sure he caught sight of his reflection in his computer monitor. Certainly, having seen that blow-dried hair, I rather fancy a quick "plink" myself...

12. SANTA

He may be making an unseasonal appearance in this list, but judging from those bulging eyes and red face, Santa here is about to burst a blood vessel. I can almost hear his strained gruntings as he tweaks that joystick. Regardless of what month this is, I wouldn't mind him emptying his sack under my tree, and making this a white Valentine's...

11. CASPER

Caspar couldn't be less interested in that brazen hussy. Methinks he doth protest too much, and living a lie has evidently induced the early onset of alopecia. You're not fooling me, Caspar... you're stalking me on Facebook, aren't you? 

10. GREGORY

Oh, Gregory - who is that with you? Your mother? That single glass tells me all I need to know. And your beard aside, I'm rather taken with the decor of your study, particularly your impressive grandfather clock. Tell me, Gregory - just how mighty is your dong?

9. BRONT

Ah, Bront. Bront the Bear. Look at those arms - like big, hairy tree trunks. I'll be coughing up hairballs after I've finished with you, my cuddly teddy man.

8. ROY

Never mind the Commodore - I bet Roy here could keep it up with anything. He's a man who looks as good in Speedos as he does in a suit, and I know I'm not alone in thinking I wouldn't mind tossing an inflatable around in the depths of his pool.

7. AATIF & FRIENDS

Oh, Aatif. Look at you and your friends brandishing your guns there. In case you're interested, I may be no expert on AK-47s, but there's nothing I don't know about OK-69s...

6. WILLIAM

Sextant? Sex-Tent more like; I think William and I could have quite the rural weekend roughing it in a two-man with the zipper pulled all the way down to expose the wood beyond. The way the light shines off his spectacles lends William an air of mystery. And looking at his fly-away silvery hair is making me think about adding my own special seasoning to his salt-and-pepper locks... 

5. STUART

Stuart may have been given a particularly special welcome back to Romford and Guildford, but his uncomfortable body language rather gives the game away. I wonder what he's writing there? Could it be a love note to yours truly? I can but dream. That is... dream of Stuart uploading his binary code into my interface. Or, rather, inter-my-face...

4. KITSZ

In my experience, wacky does not equal a good time in the bedroom department - but those mutton chops, like a fuzzy chin harness, have won me round. Judging from the swept-back centre-parting we're looking at a man with a ponytail here. That'll give me something to swing from as Kitsz parts my centre...

3. BILL

That half-awake expression makes my knees tremble. And if I'm right, judging from the outline in those grey slacks, there's nothing micro or soft about young "Master Gates"...

2. GORAN

With his plastic hair, and faraway expression, Goran is like a gentleman from outer space. Perhaps we could fly off, and  explore a black hole in the outer rim together? Or investigate the rings of Uranus? Or erotically asphyxiate one another with a pair of leggings?

1. MARCEL

My mother always warned me that it was the quiet ones you had to watch out for. After a couple of hours trapped in an invisible glass box with me, I'm pretty sure we'll both have white faces...

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