Well it’s a new month, a new year and a new decade. And you know what that means? Yes, that’s right: nothing, given our calendar system starts at an arbitrary point in time with no specific meaning. But as this has been going on for 2000-odd years now it’s probably simpler to just go along with it, yeah?
However: the turning of the year also heralds the shambling return of CES – the big annual electronics expo where companies spaff out a load of new rubbish you don’t need, right after you bought last year’s bloody model for Xmas. To show we’ve got our finger if not on the pulse, then at least hovering menacingly near your trembling wrist, here’s our rundown of this year’s most desirable ‘wares’. They’re so hot, they’ll scald your glabella!
Laptops, eh? First they were big, but terrible. Then they got smaller. Then they got big again, because the small ones were somehow even more terrible. But now, the chonk…oh man, she just too chonky! The solution? Make ‘em small again, only this time in a whole new way that makes them impractical and unusable anywhere other than plugged in and flat on a desk.
Yes, if there’s one complaint we’ve pretty much never had about laptops, it’s that we haven’t been able to have one with a tiny, creased plastic display so it looks like a 1980s portable telly covered in clingfilm, coupled with the beguiling input choice of either a tiny Bluetooth keyboard we’ll lose down the side of the sofa after a week, or an onscreen one we can wear our fingers to nubs on.
So, in this era of climate change and austerity, it’s great that tech companies have spent billions to address our non-concern! And did we mention gaming? No, no we didn’t, because you can’t play games on one of these. They’re clearly horrendously underpowered, as otherwise the battery wouldn’t last more than 8 minutes.
But hang on, love. We’re not satisfied with scoops on this year’s tech – we’ve got an exclusive shot of what’s coming next year! Take a look at this beauty: a whole new form factor with a BUILT-IN keyboard, a ‘disc drive’ so you can load up cool new apps even when the 5G signal at your hot yoga retreat goes down, and are you fed up with fingerprints on your screen? No problem with that here, as it’s a whole new ‘non-touch’ touchscreen that just IGNORES your incessant prodding.
Also, say hello to lots more privacy with a zero-megapixel webcam and the ‘ultimate firewall’ – a complete lack of connection to the filth-riddled internet. Thank Elon Musk that tech companies are here to save us all from ourselves!
Bing-bong! When a delivery man or bailiff visits your home, are you still opening the door to see who’s calling like some sort of peasant? OK, boomer, it’s time to get with the 21st century!
Smart doorbells are, of course, all the rage amongst always-on skinny latte jean-wearing trendy types, who are happy to share vast amounts of personal data to anonymous corporations in exchange for an almost imperceptible sliver of added convenience.
However, it’s not all techno-rainbows: the one area where these devices have fallen down is that they can’t actively repel people you’d rather not see, such as charity collectors, ‘Christ touchers’, or that angry man down the road whose garden is strewn with your cat’s dirty tods.
To address this, one of the big stories at CES this year was the brand new “Ring lord 3000”. It looks like any ordinary doorbell, but when depressed instead of a charming bell-like refrain it emits the infamous ‘brown noise’. This low, vibrating frequency immediately causes anyone within 50 m to evacuate their bowels, and all for the low price of $1!
Granted, if you happen to also be within 50 m of your own front door you’ll be similarly affected, but all you need to cover that is an expensive pair of easily lost noise-cancelling earbuds. In fact, probably 2 pairs so one can charge while you’ve got the others in.
You can’t put a price on the peace of mind of knowing who is at your door, of course, but it turns out you can put a price on peace of sphincter.
Here’s one that will be of particular interest to the 4 or so people who still plan to run a business in the UK after Brexit. Given we won’t be able to get desperate foreign types to come and do dull jobs with feeble wages anymore, what’s the answer? Well it certainly isn’t paying more money, you hippy! Except of course to tech companies. That’s fine.
Yes, to combat the dearth of potential employees, 2020 saw the debut of AI avatars – pretend people who can fill the gap in roles such as receptionists, reception workers, and people who work in reception-type areas. Programmed to be able to inaccurately answer at least 4 of your questions (assuming they’re questions about ox-bow lakes, which is of course the no. 1 search term worldwide), they’re virtually indistinguishable from the real thing!
In fact, YOU might be an avatar RIGHT NOW! And even if you’re not, at least it’s a decent cover story for why you keep shoving USB cables down your trousers to ‘interface’ with your ‘charging port’.
After stunning everyone with the reveal of the PlayStation 5 logo, which – and hold on to your hats here, because it’s a real humdinger – turned out to be EXACTLY the same as the PS4 logo only with a 5, Sony then proceeded to ensure post hat-loss we were nude at either end by blowing our socks off with their unexpected unveiling of no less than an electric car!
Of course, the model on display was just a concept: the maker of design classics like the Sport Walkman (it’s bigger and yellow, and just as non-waterproof!), the second-most popular video format Betamax, and of course the MiniDisc – the format that took the most annoying elements of cassette tapes and CDs and mashed them into one anaemically-supported chimera – was bound to refine it before launch.
But today, we can show you some EXCLUSIVE shots of the final, road-ready car – and what a car it is! With seats for anywhere up to 1 person, or 2 people if they are missing their right and left arms respectively and sit in the correct order, the car also features easy access for any passenger (assuming they’re an experienced hurdler or professional contortionist).
We’ve also heard from a fascinating press release that the Sony car can hit speeds, and the battery lasts for a period of time – if not longer! We can’t wait to whizz down Sony-approved A and B roads (available as reasonably-priced DLC; motorways pack sold separately) while listening to top Sony-approved artists such as Nickleback, Rednex, and Scatman John, before stopping off for a quick 2-hour mandatory system update in a layby.
It’s the future of yesterday, today