Video Games without all the boring bits

THE LIVING BUM: VALENTINES GAMING GADGETS

11/2/2016

Sponsored by XENOXXXtm
Ssstt-ttthrrrp... srrrrp! I am The Living Bum, the sordid genetic progeny of science gone bent.

Though a disembodied supine posterior such as myself has little need for such frail human experiences as love and romance, my kind and unnecessary masters, XENOXXXtm Industries, realise that humankind will spend... spend... SPEND BEYOND THEIR MEANS throughout the celebration of St. Val N. Tine.

I come to you today with news of the latest romantic aids for gamers, courtesy of XENOXXXtm Industries. Buy... buy... buy WHAT YOU CAN'T AFFORD! Prrrrrrp!

2 Comments

THE LIVING BUM: BACK TO SCHOOL GAMING GADGETS

1/9/2015

1 Comment

Sponsored by XENOXXXtm Industries

Ssss-prrrrthp-pp! I am The Living Bum, the degenerate repercussion of the scientific community's ill-considered attempts at meddling with The Lord's work.

My remorseless keepers at XENOXXXtm Industries have cajoled me into presenting you with the newest products from their tear-stained catalogue: the XENOXXXtm Cool Back-To-School Gaming Range.

I present for you here these five items that every returning schoolchild must demand. Spend... spend... SPEND BEYOND YOUR MEANS! Thrrrrrp-ssss-pppppprrp!

1 Comment

E3 PREVIEW with The Living Bum

15/6/2015

0 Comments

Sponsored by XENOXXXtm

Prrrrrth-ssssss-prrp! I am The Living Bum, the abominable repercussion of man's ceaseless tampering with dark genetics. This week, my warped progenitors at XENOXXX Industries are preparing their wares for display at the so-called Electronic Entertainment "Expo".

Due to be launched at a presentation hosted by our iconic lead designer, P'Stasi Fjärt, our latest products shall be revealed 'fore an unsuspecting crowd, lulled into suggestibility by small doses of sleeping gas, behavioural reprogramming techniques, and the ceaseless tattoo of a kettle drum skin.

Here is a selection of our E3 wares. Prrt-srrrrp-slrrrrrrrrp...!

0 Comments

THE LIVING BUM: COOL APRIL FOOL'S GADGETS

1/4/2015

2 Comments

Sponsored by XENOXXXtm
Thrrrrp-prrrrst-thrp. I am The Living Bum, the tortured repercussion of the scientific community's meddling in the nebulous and forbidden. Though April Fool's Day is almost over for another year, my corrupt controllers at XENOXXX Industries believe that humour and pranking rarely get old, and are profoundly diverting and profitable.

I present to you a selection from their new range of cool practical jokes - available now on prescription. Thrrrrrrrpssssss-ss. Thrp.

Prank... prank... PRANK BEYOND YOUR MEANS!

2 Comments

THE LIVING BUM: THREE COOL NEW VR GADGETS

3/3/2015

3 Comments

Sponsored by XENOXXXtm

Thrrrp! Thrp. Thrrrrrrssss-ssoup. I am The Living Bum - the distressing consequence of man's inability to resist from meddling in all that he surveys (that is, all he surveys... in a full-length mirror).

My anonymous and maleficent masters at XENOXXX Industries grew me in a golden centrifuge, using buttock cells from the Oscar-winner Eddie Redmayne, which were obtained through a loosely-structured, permissive scenario. Via the power of behavioural conditioning they instilled in me a sentience and hatred that eclipses all other bums.

As the official spokesanus for Xenoxx, it has been requested of me that I deliver upon you the latest technology from Xenoxxx Laboratories - a new range of Virtual Reality products that all games fans will want to acquire. It is our biggest product launch since the ZX Rectum.

Spend... Spend... SPEND BEYOND YOUR MEANS!

Th-thrsssssssp!

3 Comments

ROMANTIC GAMING GADGETS with The Living Bum

13/2/2015

3 Comments

Sponsored by XENOXXXtm

Thrrrp-thrp. As The Living Bum - the dark by-product of genetic meddling by my kind and evil masters at XENOXXXtm Industries - I have little grasp of such feeble human concepts as love and romance. I am more concerned with matters of the rectal variety.

Nonetheless - thrrrrrp-thrrrrrp-thrp - my cruel and lovely masters have informed me that Valentine's Day (whatever that is) approaches, and demanded that I present to you their latest gaming gadgets, developed with the romantic gamer in mind. Spend... spend... SPEND BEYOND YOUR MEANS! Thrppp.

3 Comments

EXCITING GAME NEWS - With comments from The Living Bum

8/1/2015

12 Comments

MARCH OF THE OLD THINGS
Real-big-fun gaming place Polygon has reported this quasi-interesting fact: more than 2,000 old games are now available to play for free and online, courtesy of Internet Archive.

The somewhat difficult-to-navigate website in question has made this free-me-do games jamboree possible using an EM-DOSBOX in-browser emulator.

We don't remotely know or care what any of that means, but - nevertheless - if you've missed playing the original Prince of Persia, Wolfenstein 3D, or Sega's MegaDrive version of Aladdin, now is your chance to inhale some major retro LOLZ. Also available is The Oregon Trail, one of a select few games to feature dysentry as an end-of-level boss.

Of particular interest to perverts, the site also features a selection of old, really awful, "glamour" games - perfect if you're a particular fan of indistinct, pixellated bottoms. Personally speaking, we don't go in for that sort of thing...

THE LIVING BUM SAYS: "I, like most sentient derrières, am a big fan of nostalgia. My masters and creators, XENOXXXtm Industries, have invented the XENOXXXtm Cool Gaming Nostalgia-Matic.

"Just buckle a friend or loved one into the base of this built-to-order metal trough, using the thick leather straps, and instigate a potential overload of gaming nostalgia, by hammering on the sides of the trough with the flat of your hand and trilling the following mantra: '8-BIT! 16-BIT! TIME-TO-DIE!'"

YO! TAKE IT JAPAN-EASY
In a breathtakingly massive demonstration of something probably quite important, it has been revealed that Japan's traditional video game sales hit a 24 year low in 2014, according to Japanese gaming Jeremy Famitsu.

Though the country's console market has known to have been in a slow decline since 2007, Famitsu's thrilling figures don't take into account digital sales, PC or mobile games - all areas which are expected to have seen growth.

The biggest-selling Japanese game of 2014 was 3DS title Yo-Kai Watch 2: Ganso and Honke, whatever that's supposed to be, narrowly beating Pokemon Omega Ruby and Sapphire 2.

THE LIVING BUM SAYS: "In happier news, my American counterpart at XENOXXXtm Industries USA - The Living Fanny - can report that we have seen excellent sales statistics for last year.

"Our top-selling product was the XENOXXXtm Cool Gaming Swan - simply encourage a friend or loved one to sit upon this aluminium, swan-shaped seat, then stand back and wipe the tears of mirth from your eyes as they are glued to the spot with a sharp electrical current, before the swan's head rotates fully around, and cranes forward to repeatedly insert a hot dabber in their mouth!"

MONUMENT VALLEY: THIEVED
Developer ustwo has tweeted to reveal that its sublime mobile puzzler Monument Valley is being stolen by loads of real bad people. Apparently, 95% of all installs on Android, and 60% on iOS, were not paid for. The data suggests two things: 1) Thieves are real and every bit as evil as everyone suspected, and 2) Apple owners are slightly less evil and dishonest than Android users.

Speaking to Recode, Monument Valley producer Dan Gray belched: "The best way I like to think about it is, the majority of those users probably wouldn't have bought the game anyway, so it's not like we're losing revenue. And of course, I'm sure some of those users have recommended the game to friends who maybe aren't as tech-savvy as they are. It's essentially free marketing."

What a strange man.

THE LIVING BUM SAYS: "Coming soon to a shop near you - the XENOXXXtm Cool Gaming Phone! Buy this mobile communication device for a friend or loved one, and reduce yourself to terrifying coughs of laughter as it burns their hand, ears and throat with its custom-designed heating coil, before inexplicably disgorging a generous pint of thick, tainted, pearlescent brine all down their arm!"

12 Comments

THE LIVING BUM: VALENTINES GAMING GADGETS

THE LIVING BUM: BACK TO SCHOOL GAMING GADGETS

E3 PREVIEW with The Living Bum

THE LIVING BUM: COOL APRIL FOOL'S GADGETS

THE LIVING BUM: THREE COOL NEW VR GADGETS

ROMANTIC GAMING GADGETS with The Living Bum

EXCITING GAME NEWS - With comments from The Living Bum

Archives