And I present for you now a gallery offering definitive proof of this fact.
As something of connoisseur of poor, home computer-era, cover artwork, it has become clear to me that there is one genre of game with more than the usual share of terrible, inexplicable, or just plain wrong covers. That genre is this genre: the football game genre.
And I present for you now a gallery offering definitive proof of this fact.
SONY IS RELEASING A MINI PLAYSTATION, SO HERE's A BUNCH OF THINGS EVERY PLAYSTATION OWNER WILL REMEMBER
It was inevitable, but Sony has announced that it's copying Nintendo, and releasing a miniature version of its original PlayStation. The PlayStation Classic - due later this year - will arrive with 20 pre-loaded games (including Final Fantasy VII, Jumping Flash, R4 Ridge Racer Type 4, Tekken 3 and Wild Arms).
So, that's exciting, probably.
To celebrate this news, here are a bunch of things which anybody who owned a PlayStation will remember... WITH THEIR MINDS.
They say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but we all do it. I mean, even if a tramp had the magical ability to bestow unlimited riches upon you in return for a kiss, it's unlikely you'd plant one on the mouth if his lips were smeared with dog dirt. Actually, I probably would do that. But anyway.
Sadly, video games have reached a point where there's a decent amount of work and skill and money that goes into today's unremarkable, identikit, game covers.
It wasn't always the case - as evidenced by this exhaustive gallery of the worst, most wrong-headed, and poorly-conceived Commodore 64 box art...
"Face front, true believers! It's your old pal Stan 'The Man' Lee here - creator of The Amazing Spider-Man (the less said about Steve Ditko the better)!
"I'm contractually obligated to make a cameo appearance in this list of semi-obscure Spidey games, but unfortunately I'm very busy cleaning out my car - so I hope you can bear with me while I get that done. It won't be a wasted exercise, though - I'm always coming up with ideas for new characters, and a good writer can take inspiration from almost anywhere!
"Please note - this is not an exhaustive list, so please don't go whinging that Maximum Carnage, or the Mega Drive games, or whatever, aren't in it. Excelsior!"
The Internet; we take it for granted now, but once upon a time - not so long ago - it was a brand new thing, and nobody really knew what you were meant to do with it. TV shows, magazines, and the producers of stock images, did their best to explain it back in the 90s, in a variety of bizarre ways. Shockingly, however, time would prove many of their predictions to be spot-on.
Here are 14 images from the 90s which succeeded in predicting what the Internet would become.
"Hey, everybody! Welcome to The Most Iconic Light Gun Shooters ever, sponsored by Le Spiced Bean Cafe. I'm Gulliver Sullivan, owner and chief barista here at Spiced Bean, and I'd like to offer you all a 10% discount on your next order of raw muffins.
"Just use the code 'spicedbeanlightgun20' when you come in and we'll fix you right up. Can't wait to see you guys! We just finished a refurb down here at Le Spiced Bean, and the joint is looking FRIGID! We stripped everything back to the raw brickwork, and It is deck, brah!
"But hey - enough of my hard-sell, let's get on and check out the most iconic light gun shoot 'em ups of all time! It's gonna be wack, yo!"
"Borag thungg, earthlings! I am Art Garfunkel, the folk singerman from Simon und Garfunkel. Why 'Art'? It's short for Artificial, because when I was born my parents thought I looked like some sort of weird mannequin of 'Garfield's uncle'. I still do! Ha ha.
"I shortened my name to Art because I really like art (paintings and that) and f'arts (smelly bum noise). This is why I've chosen to tell you about ten of the best-looking Sega Mega Drive games you've probably forgotten about, while also telling you about some of the best farts I ever did.
"I'm sure it's going to be a lot of fun, so here's to you, Tommy Robinson - racists love you more than you can know, woh woh woh!!"
"Hi, guys. Louis Pasteur here - the microbial fermentation dude! Do you remember when real-time strategy games were massive?
"I can't say I do - I mean, I died in 1895. However, I'm reliably informed that RTS games are still around, though the days when an RTS would be considered a major, triple-A, blockbuster release are long gone. You know: like rabies and anthrax are long gone, following my invention of the vaccines and stuff.
"I mean, I don't want to blow my own trumpet. I just worry that all my great work has been forgotten. Has it been forgotten? Please let me know in the comments. I hope I don't sound too needy!!!!
"Anyway. Look: here's a quick history of the evolution of this most point-and-clicky of genres. Remember to leave me a message in the comments, guys. Thanks, guys."
"Wotcha, pillocks! Gordon 'Swearing' Ramsay here. Unquestionably, The Bitmap Brothers were one of the highest profile game fakking studios in Britain during the late-80s and fakking 90s - one of the original 'rock star' games studios. This is why I've been asked to present this listicle - because I'm the original 'rock star' chef. Whatever that fakking means.
"Unfortunately, I recently opened a new boating lake, and some of the rental pedalos are staying out beyond their allotted fakking hire period. So, I'm going to have to try and sort that out while giving you a brief overview of The Bitmaps' history.
"Of course, the company's immediately identifiably, chunky, visual style - basically, no hard fakking edges - was matched by the quality of their fakking games. Rarely did the company dabble in the same genre more than once - beyond a sequel or two - and they were one of the few reasons fakking console owners looked enviously at the fakking Amiga.
"Alas, the Bitmaps - led by MD Mike Montgomery - haven't developed a brand new game since 2003 (though ports of some of its most iconic titles have appeared on smartphones). That's a fakking shame, in this era of homogenised triple-A releases.
"Here's a brief celebration of their finest fakking achievements. Come in number 9, your time is fakking up! Fakking liberty. Fakk's sake."
"Hello, everyone. I'm Feargal Sharkey. You probably remember me as the lead singer of The Undertones, and my 1985 solo hit, A Good Heart. I'm here today to... oh! Oh, fuck shit, guys! There's a fuckin' wasp in here!
"Typical. I always used to enjoy adventure games, and was hoping to lead you through this list of some of the greatest point-and-click adventures ever released.
"Unfortunately, it looks like now I'm going to have to spend the whole time dealing with this fuckin' wasp.
"...Stop telling me not to swear, mammy! There's a fuckin' wasp in here! God, I really hope it doesn't sting me on the fuckin' butthole!"
"Hi guys. It's Noel Edmonds here, from the television. These days - between being REALLY positive, and my hate campaign against Lloyds Bank - I barely have enough time to blow-dry my silky fibres, wriggle around on my EMP pad, or talk to dogs on the telephone! Tee-hee!
"Much as I'd love to sit down and do nothing but play a big video game for months on end, I find that shorter indie releases are a better fit for my fervid lifestyle.
"Because I love sharing positive messages (unless you work for Lloyds Bank, in which case, I'm sorry, but I hope you die) here are five indie games - available for most formats - which have been presented to me.
"Following each precis, I'm going to tell you whether or not I liked the game enough to literally put it up my bumhole! I call this format 'Noel's In De Bumhole' (aka 'Noel's Indie Bumhole').
"Please don't steal the idea. I'm intending to pitch it as a primetime BBC1 show, and I've had enough stolen from me already (Lloyds Bank... the view out of my kitchen window - which has been spoiled by windfarms... and Noel's House Party, after it was wrongly cancelled by Auntie Beeb). For the record, I also think immigration has gone far enough. I'm sorry, guys, but it really has to stop.
"Noel Noel Noel Noel Noelnoelnoelnoelneol111010101011noel11011001111+++<ERROR>+++"
With E3 2018 well underway, the big players have started displaying the games that they'll be releasing over the next year or two.
The latest major player to hold a presentation was Ubisoft. Here's a blow-by-blow account of what turned out to be a highly eccentric event.
"E3 time is here again - or as I like to call it: Going into your parents' wardrobe and trying to find what you're going to be getting for Christmas time!!!!!?!!!!!!! But nooo... ooooohhhhh noooo... noooooooo!!!!!! Why have your parents bought you so many stained leather restraints and whips and a big rubber strap-on for Christmas!!!!!?!?!?!"
"This year's E3 has kicked off with Microsoft's very own big rubber strap-on - Phil Spencer - giving the traditional Microsoft Xbox presentation... and it was stuffed with more treats than a feeder's handbag!!!!!?!!!!!
"Let's use our eyes to take a regal glance at everything Microsoft has got going on!!!!!!!!? It's gonna be epiiiiiiic, brah!!!!!!"
GUEST POST BY SUPER BAD ADVICE
Like some sort of technological Dignitas, Sony have announced that the PS4 is officially in the end part of its life cycle. It’s arguable that belching out such a diktat while your competitors respectively have a more powerful console and a more innovative console for sale, and you’ve not even got anything announced yet, is a real stupid move that will give potential customers ‘the wet willies’.
But then who are we to argue with the genius creators of the MiniDisc?
However, to get you ‘pumped’ for the newest arrival in the format wars we can bring you these exclusive facts about the all-new PS5 thanks to our special spies embedded at Sony HQ (and by special we mean they only exist in our minds – we don’t even know where Sony HQ is! Probably Uttoxeter?)
Each one is literally more true and fabby than the last, and here they come!
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