Featuring Mr Biffo, Paul Gannon, Octav1us and Larry Bundy Jr.
Appropriately for a video about the failed ZX Spectrum Vega+ handheld, our attempts to talk about it are derailed entirely by the unexpected appearance of a certain furious pig...
Featuring Mr Biffo, Paul Gannon, Octav1us and Larry Bundy Jr.
A short while back, I put together an article looking at some of Sony's more blatant attempts to shock and bewilder with its various PlayStation ad campaigns.
Since then, I have become aware that if you search for random stock images, slap a logo on the bottom, and slightly turn down the saturation, the end result is virtually indistinguishable from any of Sony's wilfully obscure efforts.
Here are some examples of what I'm talking about.
Yesterday, we discussed why our beloved European Super Nintendo was infinitely superior to the American Super Nintendo.
Today we shall investigate the two different names for Sega's 16-bit console - known as the Mega Drive or Genesis, depending upon which side of the Atlantic you squatted.
Why did the Mega Drive - the name it launched with in Japan in 1989 - get called something different when it came out in the US, despite Mega Drive clearly being one of the best names for a games console that anybody has ever been arsed to think of?
It was all down to trademark. In America, Mega Drive Systems Inc - a manufacturer of computer storage solutions - already had the name Mega Drive in their pocket. Thus, they went for Genesis, as a way of suggesting that the console would mark the real dawn of home video gaming.
Admittedly, Genesis isn't the worst name in the world, but it already had other associations, dependent on whether you were a creationist or a prog rock fan - neither of which were cool or edgy.
But which was better? SPOILER: It was "Mega Drive", obviously.
And here's why.
Do you ever feel like you're not entirely the same as everyone else, that the world is depraved and full of weird perverts? I know we're not supposed to kinkshame, but if you've ever had the gross misfortune to stumble upon the world of fan fiction you'll have been exposed to some of the darker, more messed-up, elements of humanity. And, well, I don't care what you say; some of that stuff just ain't normal.
Nowhere is this more evident than the troublingly popular sub-genre of erotic Sonic The Hedgehog fan creations. Here's a brief sampling of the weirder, more awful, examples of amateur storytelling featuring the asexual hedgehog.
Please be aware... this gets rather NSFW.
Frankly, I miss the cover artwork on old games. They might not have been as slick as their slick, modern, digital counterparts, but at least they had character, and a certain homespun charm.
Well, to a point... as this gallery should attest.
You should be familiar with the drill by now: a load of old games covers, and a load of unnecessary sarcasm. It's not rocket science.
The Man's Daddy returns with more of his hilarious comedy jokes, and even shares some of his summer holiday slides!
As I alluded to on the letters page last week, Digitiser now has a second channel, which will act as a lewd depository for all the more - ahem - esoteric stuff that I like making.
It'd be nice if you subscribed, for the full, panoramic, Digitiser experience. But if you don't want to... that's fine. That's the whole point.
Thus, above you have the video from the regular Digitiser channel - myself, Octav1us, Gannon and Larry attempting to answer gaming trivia questions, and being given electric shocks in return for failure. And below you have Eli Silverman from Cheap Show and Barshens reading a beautiful fairytale about a lonely carpenter and his wooden son...
Do you remember when you were a kid, and your parents would say to you: "Only boring people get bored"?
Yeah, well... you know what? Fuck off.
I've been bored loads of times; watching TV, having a wee (never a poo), and even while playing video games. That doesn't make me boring. It just means others have failed to entertain me sufficiently.
Anyway, some games are born boring, while others have boringness thrust upon them. I don't know what that means, but it's as good a way as any to introduce this definitive list of the ten most boring games ever, and something has to go in this bit. Please note: some of these games are deliberately dull, and some are simply dull by nature of their subject matter.
Regardless, all are so soul-crushingly mundane that I defy you to reach the end of the list.
GUEST ARTICLE NONSENSE by SUPER BAD ADVICE
It may be cold and wintry now, but cast your mind back to the heady days of last summer and everyone’s favourite boring trade show of underwhelming game reveals done by uncomfortable-looking businessmen dressed in ‘cool’ leather jackets a PA bought for them that morning – yes, that’s right, it’s E3!
As ever, it delivered a bumper crop of gaming goodness to look forward to over the coming 12 months, with loads of what we all love the most – risk-free, unoriginal sequels. And when you think of dead horses being flogged down to their component atoms, one name always pops into mind: Nintendo.
Their equine corpse of choice this time was SuperSmash Bros, which they belched forth about with a presentation that was so long, it may in fact still be happening. And what a presentation it was!
Who couldn’t be wowed by hour upon hour of character reveals for the latest iteration of their ‘yes it’s a fighter, but as we’re family friendly we can’t show people being beaten up – so instead there’s some sort of meaningless reverse energy counter that goes up to 800%, and eventually people just fall off the side like a drunk on a pier’ fisticuffs game?
You’ll no doubt already be familiar with the tag line for this version: “Everyone is here” – not least because they seemed to repeat it endlessly, almost as if they had nothing much else to talk about.
Now the game is out though it seems to be true, as (apart from a load of stupidly named dudes from Japanese RPGs that no one has ever heard of or cares about) SSBU boasts a vast roster of much-loved characters and favourites from gaming history! Oh, and Sonic is apparently in it too. Oh well.
But wait! Our sources have told us that there are 8 more fighters that Uncle Ninty just couldn’t cram into the game on release – a game so overfull, it was officially classed as morbidly corpulent – that will be winging their way to your Switch via everyone’s favourite feature of modern gaming: paid DLC.
So get your wallet ready and your ‘combat gland’ excreting its fetid unguent in anticipation, as here they are now!
Festive acknowledgements! I am K-Max, the Christmas puck!
"Well, ain't he a whimsical imp? Don't he just make ya wanna smiiiiiile?"
As is tradition at this time of year, boys and girls across the known world are praying that a moist souvenir shall be bequeathed upon them by the being known as Bewhiskered Babak.
So damp are his souvenirs. So moist are they...
Soon I shall visit the children in their beds, and puzzle them with my warped contortions and strangled honks, before retreating to the comfort of my Noble Van.
Regardless, today is the most important Christmas day of all, for today is the day that I bestow upon you the traditional Digitiser Christmas Pant-Oh! This year: Farting (Sleeping) Beauty. All together now... He's behind you!
The Zodiac Killer!
Hello. I'm a popular comedian called The Man's Daddy. What are you all having for Christmas dinner? I know it is custom to ingest a heated turkeybird, but this year I thought I'd mix things up a bit, so I'm just going to lay in the garden face-down and wait for a worm. When one rises from the sod, I shall greet it thus: "Good afternoon, youngworm - and a Merry Christmas from all of us here on the surface! Yeah, noice. Well noice. Love it, mate."
Then I'm going to start screaming and sobbing and snapping my teeth, because it will have been the most subtle thing that has ever happened within the human world.
Something many families like to do at Christmas is laugh erratically at the tiny jokes they find inside a Christmas crackuss. Nobody knows who writes the jokes, or how they get inside the crackuss, but this year the mystery shall be partly solved. Please understand: this festive season, YOU shall be the one compelling the "funnies" into the "crackuss"!
That is, if you'll be so kind as to use my special Christmas crackuss jokes!
So anyway, I really hope you like them. Yeah, I really do. Hope you like my jokes. Well, anyway, bye then. Gotta go now. Yeah, bye. Bye, then. Hope you really like my jokes. Okay, bye.
Like the jokes, yeah?
Okay. Bye. Yeah, bye. Don't forget to like the jokes. Okay. Noice.
The gulf between really great retro game cover art and really bad retro game cover art never ceases to stagger me. I get that it was a different time, and that any arse who got a ZX Spectrum for Christmas could program and release a game, but man... it was pretty clear that possessing basic programming skills rarely went hand-in-hand with even rudimental graphic design ability.
Because it's always fun, here's a quick trawl through some more of the Spectrum's most graphic atrocities.
No Digitiser today unfortunately, due to profound/spooky exhaustion. But get this: it's Halloweeeeeeeen!
And while I have you, please send your emails for the Digitiser Friday Letters Page to firstname.lastname@example.org
Goodbye... or should that be... "GHOSTbye"...?
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