"You know how it works: I assess the latest indie games, and decide whether I like them enough to shove up my bumhole.
"Some people have said to me that this format is a bit of a comedown since the days when Noel's House Party and Telly Addicts were the most popular shows on TV, but the BBC isn't what it once was.
"There's no place at Aunty Beeb for fun anymore, but that's the short of show I want to make these days - and there's nothing more fun than watching me shove an indie game up my bumhole! If any TV commissioners are watching, this show would take place in a stately home in a town called Itchy Penis, and I'd be joined by a hilarious comedy character called Mr Droplet.
"So come on, let's head on down to Itchy Penis with Mr Droplet and check out those indie games! Droplet! Droplet! Droplet!"