GUEST REVIEW by SUPER BAD ADVICE

​One of the first games I can still clearly remember playing from when I was young wasn’t one of the all-time early arcade classics like Space Invaders or Donkey Kong.

It wasn’t even a clunky home version of these, like Pac-Man on the Atari 2600, even though I actually had an Atari 2600 and apparently also had the infamously duff 2600 port of Pac-Man as a photo exists of me playing it one Christmas (its shonky awfulness perhaps being the reason why I’ve blotted it out of my memory).
 
No, this was an obscure game on the 48k Speccy called Mutant Monty and the Temple of Doom, one of four games on an allegedly now rare (according to some dude on ebay trying to flog a copy) compilation tape called ‘ASSEMBLAGE’.

​Because, of course, nothing says ‘great new game’ like bundling it on a tape with 3 other unrelated efforts and then giving it an uninspiring collective title that basically means ‘pile of stuff’.

Do you ever ask yourself that age-old question: Which super-power would you most want to have?

Flight would be cool, but I admit that I'd worry about getting cold up there. Also, if I could fly everywhere, why would I bother walking? Does flying burn off calories? Nobody wants to look up in the sky and see a big fat man with a feeble pair of atrophied legs dangling below him.

What about invisibility? The only legitimate use I can think of for it is spying on people, and becoming a pervert. Firstly, I don't want to know what people are saying about me. There's a reason why I don't ego-surf. These days. Also, it would depend on whether my clothes became invisible too. Would I have to walk around in the nuddy? I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that. Also, what if I got cold?

Being able to breath underwater like Aquaman? It's alright if you live at the seaside, I guess, but the main thing that puts me off going swimming is all the faff of having to get dry and changed afterwards. Plus, it's probably really cold at the bottom of the ocean, and it's not like you can go swimming in a thick woolly jumper.

Actually... now that I think about it, it seems my choice of superpower would be dependent on whether it made me feel cold or not. 

Do you know what doesn't get spoken about enough these days? The fact that Hugo Boss was a member of the Nazi Party.

Hugo Boss - the company founded by Hugo Boss, the man - provided uniforms for the Nazis, including those iconic SS uniforms, and the outfits worn by the Hitler Youth. These were often manufactured by forced labourers, the majority of whom were women. 

Admittedly, the company did eventually express its "profound regret" at all this, but not until 2011, following legal proceedings brought about by Holocaust survivors. 

Anyway. Think about that the next time you're spritzing your gooch with Hugo Boss perfume, or you see an ad with Chris Hemsworth or Gerard Butler looking all sultry in a suit. Hugo Boss was a Nazi. Not one of these "Ha ha - you called me a Nazi, therefore you lose the argument! I invoke Godwin's Law!" Nazis you get nowadays... but an actual Nazi who was happy being called a Nazi.

Because he was a Nazi, and his company designed those funny trousers Nazis wore, with the big pouches in the thighs, which they presumably used for storing knockwurst.

And while we're at it, Volkswagen was created by the Nazi Party under direct instruction from Adolf Hitler himself, IBM provided early computers to help the Nazis with the logistical demands of genocide, and Coca-Cola aggressively promoted itself as a pro-Nazi drink in Germany - with Fanta being created to appeal specifically to Nazi supporters. The original recipe was described as using "the leftovers of leftovers", due to limited availability of ingredients during the war.

That sounds like some weird joke, but it isn't. Fanta is a drink for Nazis. Fact.

GUEST REVIEW by SUPER BAD ADVICE
I think it would be fair to say that, for the most part, games publishers don’t so much cover themselves in glory as they do rancid bird effluent dredged out of a clogged gutter.
 
Whether it’s shoehorning microtransactions into the tiniest cranny (EA), shutting down much loved studios to save a few quid but then inevitably losing far more when the new team assigned the IP stink it up (Bethesda), or milking an adored franchise so hard that its teats go grey and fall off (Microsoft), pretty much everyone who loves games has at least one tale of woe where a publisher has ruined something for them.
 
Thank criminy, then, for smaller outfits like Devolver. Not only are they dedicated to belching out absolutely excellent little indie games like My Friend Pedro and Gris across all formats, they also clearly don’t take themselves remotely seriously. Observe: they genuinely have a fictional CFO called ‘Fork Parker’, who has a Twitter account where he’s renowned for his inappropriate behaviour.
 
And if there’s one thing we all love, it’s grown-ups doing swears and stupids on purpose.
 
In short, if Digitiser were a publishing house they’d probably be much like Devolver. And further evidence of their ability to laugh at themselves is part one of today’s head-deficient Cerberus of reviews, which I shall commence with…now. 

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar!!!!!!! 

We all know that joke, yes? Of course you do: the first time you heard it you laughed - because, ha ha, a door isn't a jar!!! And then you had to ask what "ajar" meant. I still don't know. 

"What do you mean you don't know what ajar means? You idiot. You stupid little idiot. Go to your room!"

Let's try another one: when is a Zelda game not a Zelda game? When it's Cadence of Hyrule!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nintendo has become quite adept at placing its biggest franchise characters into genres that are a far stretch from their origins. Super Smash Bros. is the most obvious example, but over the years Zelda has lent itself to light-gun games, strategy "things" and puzzlers.

​Its spin-off catalogue isn't quite as diverse as Mario's - lest we forget Mario Teaches Macramé? - but it's getting there, as Nintendo strives to keep the series pumping along twixt bona-fide instalments.

Cadence of Hyrule is a weird one in that for all intents and purpose you'd be forgiven for thinking it was a bona-fide Zelda game. It isn't.

I... I... I said IT ISN'T.

Oh, so you did hear me...

So many of my favourite arcade games were made by Sega. Way before the brand was so much as a blip on my radar I was enjoying its games.

As far back as the 70s, Killer Shark left a big bite mark in my belly. And then Monaco GP, Zaxxon, Hang On, Space Harrier... even after it became a bona-fide home console player, Sega continued to produce groundbreaking arcade games, many of which remain lodged in my ribs as all-time favourites.

And then of course it all went a bit Pete Tong. I often gave Sega a hard time back in the 90s, but only because it was like seeing a good friend self-destruct before my very eyes. Sega had so much going for it, so much to offer, yet those gifts were squandered, and the company succumbed to one wrong-faced decision after another. 

My patience and loyalty only extended so far, and in many respects Sega deserved its fate. That doesn't lessen what we all lost as a result. Imagine if Sega had carried on. Imagine a version of the modern games industry with the sort of big, bold, colourful games Sega did best.

But no. It wasn't to be.

Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of The War of the Worlds: The Immersive Experience, to give this theatrical event its full, unwieldy, title, is based upon the 1978 album of the almost-same name. Which was based upon HG Wells' 1898 novel about invading Martian tripods, that also gave birth to TV series, movies, and video games.

For those of a certain age, or with parents of a certain age anyway, Wayne's disco-rock-prog opera was an iconic record - from the glorious paintings in the accompanying booklet, to the Martians' musical cry of "Uuuulaaaaaaaa!", to Richard Burton's famous narration.

The album casts a long shadow in more ways than one; Wayne found time to compose the theme to TV-AM, but a full-fledged follow-up didn't happen until 1992. Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of Spartacus might've featured Catherine Zeta-Jones, Anthony Hopkins, Ladysmith Black Mambazo and Fish from Marillion, but it didn't have the same impact, on account of it ending up like a sentient toilet's idea of what a human musical record might sound like.

Since then, the septuagenarian, mysteriously dark-haired, Wayne has mostly focused on tennis, for some reason, and touring productions of The War of the Worlds. I saw one of these a few years back, starring The X-Factor champion Shane Ward. Despite liking the album, I found that the show struck a queasy balance between rock concert and musical theatre. 

Nonetheless, when I read that Wayne was working with immersive theatre company Dotdotdot on an  interpretation of the The World of the Worlds - that would put the audience inside the action - it sounded like it'd be right up my dingy, Victorian, alley.

I'd been to Dotdotdot's previous immersive show, Somnai, which showed promise, and thus, on Saturday night, I found myself fleeing from Tripods and caught in a much-needed cuddle with a terrified soldier. 

Here's how that happened.

There have been several eras in gaming history which I regard as transitional.

In short; a generation where the host hardware couldn't quite keep up with the imagination of the games' creators. Don't get me wrong; the early-80s of the ZX Spectrum and Commodore 64 is my era - it's when I fell in love with games. Nonetheless, when I go back to play many of those games now, it's like trying to squash a duvet into a walnut.

I actually find the likes of Pong, and many earlier Atari 2600 games, far more playable than the vast majority of Speccy games - and I say that as somebody whose fondest gaming memories are all of that era. 

When the NES and Master System took off, and the Atari ST and Amiga were released, it was the start of a golden era when games revelled in their 2D-ness, improving all the time across the 16-bit console era. Then CD-ROM happened, and it all went a bit wrong again. Developers experimented with interactive movies, and struggled to understand the best way to make 3D polygons work.

Go back and play something like Night Trap and it's horrible. Worse still, the original Tomb Raider simply doesn't hold up outside of the context of its era. Likewise Nintendo's Starfox.

It's why so many indie games default to that 16-bit golden age, with the flat pixels; the games of that time still hold up today, when so many either side do not.

And that is why it's so brave of Back In 1995 to evoke the spirit of the first PlayStation, a system which - for all its importance in the history of gaming - played host to some incredibly ugly games.  

I've spoken before about how I was never big into pirated games as a kid. Maybe I'm just better than everyone else, or maybe I like looking down my nose at people, or maybe I'm just burdened with an overabundance of empathy, but piracy never sat right with me.

Actually, maybe it's just that I like to comfort myself with the thought of all my former schoolmates going to Hell when they die - if they haven't already...

​LOL!!!!!!

I'm not going to lie; of course I've played emulated games, but only when there was no alternative. There have been so many lost, obscure, games that I never thought I'd get to play in any sort of official capacity, it felt like I wasn't doing any harm. You know: like eating some chips out of a bin.

But now... step forwards Antstream.

Streaming is the future of gaming, but Antstream also believes it's the past; this new service, which went live to backers yesterday, is a retro gaming streaming service, featuring hundreds of officially-licensed old games - some more esoteric than others.

I can feel it... I'm becoming a VR convert. With its lack of wires, and almost complete lack of motion sickness, the Oculus Quest is proving to be the hardware that finally convinces me that VR can take off. I mean, it's actually a bit scary how much I'm enjoying it. I actually get excited to play on it, and that hasn't happened to me with games in a very long time. 

CUT TO 10 YEARS LATER:

A bloated and sickly-looking Mr Biffo is strapped into a VR bodysuit and helmet, cleaning his groin with an empty crisp packet on the end of a pencil.

Here are 13 apps that you should consider getting for the Quest. Why 13 and not a nice round number? I would've done more, but I need to go upstairs for a poo!

I'm going to state this upfront; I've got a really bad back.

That has nothing to do with Vader Immortal, but everything to do with how I'm getting on with my Oculus Quest. Several hours on the thing yesterday, playing the likes of Superhot and Space Pirate Trainer - both of which required a degree of ducking and weaving - has buggered up my coccyx. 

Oh, the joys of middle-aged gaming in the 21st Century. Also: ha ha - "buggered up my coccyx"!!!

For all the pain I'm in - and it's quite a lot of pain, but I don't need your sympathy thanks (I take my dopamine in a different form) - it's testament to the immersive qualities of the Quest that I didn't even notice I was actually doing some sort of exercise.

Albeit by moving my body in a way that it clearly didn't want to be moved.

"Oh, why's he whinging about his back? Just get to the review FFS."

It hurts, alright?!?! Plus, wiping my bottom later is going to be a painful chore.

Furthermore, I'm most surprised that I'm able to use the headset for extended periods without getting nauseous. Even my wife played on it at length last night, and usually she only has to turn the page of a magazine to get motion sickness.

​Fortunately, most of Vader Immortal Episode 1 is relatively sedate - a creepy, atmospheric, interactive slow-burn, that we're being told is now an official part of the increasingly overwhelming Star Wars canon - and you're able to get through the first part of this three-part series in one sitting/standing.

I've not been shy of expressing that I think virtual reality is flawed at its very core.

It doesn't matter how good it gets, the fundamental idea prevents it from ever becoming the society-consuming technology we've seen in so many sci-fi dystopias. 

It's like... I dunno... inventing a dog dirt flavour ice cream; You can keep improving the flavour to make it more authentically dog dirt-tasting, but if people don't want to eat dog dirt-flavoured things then it's unlikely there's much you can do to change their minds.

Not even if, on some level, they're impressed that somebody has a) Had the audacity to make and sell a dog dirt-flavoured treat, and b) Managed to so accurately simulate the taste and texture.

That, for me, is why I've sort of been a VR-sceptic; even if they can solve my motion sickness, that doesn't change needing a space in my house where I'm not going to knock things over, or be filmed secretly by my amused family, who can then show me the video so that I can go into a 24-hour depression and start looking up liposuction clinics.

A product that makes me vomit AND a figure of fun AND insecure about my body? Sign me up!!!!?!!!

But anyway...

Biffo and Gannon have a look at the Retro Electro miniature replica Sega Mega Drive, and take a terrifying diversion into the supernatural...

Yes: you read that right. Shakedown: Hawaii, the sort-of-sequel to Retro City Rampage, is also available for the PS Vita. Why? Nobody knows.

It doesn't matter.

​I've never been to Hawaii. I mean, why would I have been? It's really far away.

I have seen Lilo & Stitch, however, which is set in Hawaii, probably, so I feel like I've been there. Unfortunately, this still makes it hard to assess the authenticity of the Hawaii depicted in Shakedown: Hawaii. It mostly looks like your usual top-down city, but with a few more beaches and palm trees and that. 

Trying to research some context for the game didn't help much either. I found out that leprosy used to be a bit of a thing there, snakes and billboards are banned, and the island of Oahu boasts the largest "pineapple maze" in the world. Impressive, given we all know how much competition there is for that particular world record!!!!!?!!!!!!

Also, there are only 12 letters in the Hawaiian alphabet, which is why the Hawaii's state fish, the "Humuhumunukunukuapuaʿa", reads like the result of somebody falling asleep on their keyboard.

In the latest Digitiser Mini, Biffo and Gannon review their latest terrible compilation console purchases, and discover a treasure trove of bizarre, bootleg, games - including Mario 14 and Sonic the Hedgehog for the NES!