 I'm Phoning Honey, please don't be afraid. I'm just here to connect to an online helpline operator, and see if he can fix my "broad band". Why do I do this? I wish I could say I'm providing some sort of searing commentary on our overly commercialised and technology-reliant society, but... but... buhhhrrr.... ffzzzzzp-fzzzp-frrrrttttttt!!
All names have been changed to protect the inner-sense. Goodbye.
4 Comments
 Hello and goodbye. I'm Phoning Honey, the epoxy-coated prankster who just loves showing you around his online helpline prank transcripts. When I'm not doing that, I'm playing the bassoon in a Van Halen/Def Leppard tribute band. We're called 'Vas Deferens'.
But enough about that - here's my latest thing. And as we sing in Vas Deferens - Yummy yummy I've put ants on my mummy... and they're crawling all around her mouth - yeah! All names have been changed irreversibly.  Over here! I say... over here! Hello. What took you so long? I'm Phoning Honey, the zany harlequin who just can't stop pulling his pranks down. Why do I do this? I'm mentally ill. It's not really that funny when you think of it like that - a disease of the mind is still a disease. It's just, you know, an imaginary one.
Anyway. Here I go again with another transcript of my attempts to amuse and bewilder through the means of whimsical discourse with an online support worker. All names have been changed. They really have.  Hello, Martin. I'm Phoning Honey, a special sort of guy who likes to go online and engage in whimsical banter with the operators of online technical support services. What a rubbish thing to do. What? Hello, Martin.
Recently, I built a special nest from which to do my favourite activity. I built it out of old pork wrapped in melted Happy Meal toys. Please be aware: the names of the pranked have been changed to protect my integrity. Let's go. It's time.  Hello. I'm Phoning Honey. Please don't hang yourself - I haven't finished talking yet. Listen: when I'm not sifting through a hat full of dirt, or drifting through a sackful of hurt, I like to go online and prank the technical support people.
Why I do this, goodness only knows, but do this I most certainly do. Here is my latest chat (hanging may commence at the end of the transcript):  In the words of U2: Guten tag, baby! I'm Phoning Honey, the comedic prankster who likes nothing more than apportioning blame. Sure, some people might think I'm a cruel time-waster for the things I do, but if I didn't do those things I'd have to do something else - something even more cruel. EG: propelling a puppy over a viaduct full of brakes. This week I've been chatting the chats to an online technical support guy. The names of companies, individuals and products have been changed to protect the cussing. > Please wait while we connect you to an operator...
HONEY: Ok then. > Nick has entered the chat. HONEY: Oh there you are. NICK: Hi. This is Nick. Sorry to keep you waiting. HONEY: I should think so. NICK: Who am I speaking to? HONEY: I don't know. I can't see you. NICK: Sure. Who is this? HONEY: You're Nick. It says so next to your words. I'm assuming it's short for Nicholas or Nimbletrump. NICK: Who am I speaking to? HONEY: You've already asked that. If I am to assume you want to know who I am, then I am Honey. NICK: Thanks. How can I help you today Honey? HONEY: I'm trying to sync my phone to my tablet to make all the apps happen on all things, and the other things, but it isn't working. It just isn't working. I must be doing something wrong. Things!? NICK: Ok. We can work through that together. No problem. HONEY: There is a problem, Nick, otherwise I wouldn't be on here. NICK: Sure. I just need to ask you some questions first. HONEY: What sort of questions? NICK: They're just questions about your setup and products. HONEY: That's a bit prying, Nick. What does my setup have to do with anything? But if you must know, I'm single, and I live alone, apart from occasional visits by The Vark. NICK: I just need to ask some questions about your technical setup. HONEY: It's getting worse! NICK: What is Honey? HONEY: Your line of interrogation! I feel like I'm being waterboarded by a master interrogator! Whatever happened to the days when one could expect to be probed-a-gently? NICK: Honey you don't have to answer anything you don't want to answer but I'm unable to help unless I can establish some basic facts. HONEY: Did you just swear at me, Nick? NICK: I can assure you I would NEVER have done that Honey. HONEY: Well it just flashed up on the screen for a moment before it got deleted. The F/C word followed by the M and H words! NICK: I really can promise you I would never have done that Honey. I just want to help you get to the bottom of whatever the problem is. HONEY: At least now you're ready to acknowledge there is a problem. It took you swearing at me to get us there though. NICK: I didn't swear at you Honey. Our customers are very important to us. HONEY: I'm really sorry, Nick, but I need to go. The Vark is here, and it wants feeding. You probably want to know what I'm going on about? NICK: You might say that. HONEY: There's no might about it, Nimbletrump. I already did say that. But just to clarify, The Vark is a big worm wearing a curly blonde wig over its face, and I feed it by shoving pickled raisins up what I assume to be a snout of some kind. Now get a load of this: The Vark has YOUR MOUTH tattooed on its gills. "Nimbletrump, Nimbletrump, What do'st thou see, When thou has one's face 'gainst the Nimbletrump tree?". > You have been disconnected from the chat <  I'm Phoning Honey, and I prank and thank you on the telephone. However, these days I'm more typically to be found pranking not-you (ie: others). And I do that on the not-phone (aka The Internet). Here is a transcript of a recent conversation I had with a delightful online technical support gentleman, whose name and place of employment have been altered to spare the blushes. Please don't spare the blushes!!!!!!! <KEVIN J HAS ENTERED THE SESSION>
KEVIN J: Hi. This is Kevin. How can I help you? VISITOR (Phoning Honey): Help! I’ve done something really silly. My computer isn’t working properly and it's all my fault. Can you, or somebody like you, PLEASE help me?!? KEVIN J: Sure. I'm happy to take a look for you. VISITOR: Hello? Is there anyone there? I suspect there might be, but I don't know how to be sure. KEVIN J: Yes I'm here. My name's Kevin. Who am I talking to? VISITOR: Honey. KEVIN: Ok Honey. Thanks for jumping into the chat. Can you tell me what the issue is? VISITOR: What does that mean? KEVIN: What's the problem? VISITOR: Hey hey. Kevin! C'mon. Less of the attitude. I just didn't understand what you meant. I'm sorry, but I'm experiencing some major difficulties here. I have tears in my ears. KEVIN: It's absolutely fine Honey. Please just tell me what technical difficulties you're having. VISITOR: Can't we skip the small talk and get to the part where you tell me how to fix my computer? This isn't a date, Kevin. I don't need to know your life story and you don't need to know mine. Let's just agree to that now. KEVIN J: I just need to get some details off you. VISITOR: Please, Kevin. Please, no very personal details. KEVIN: No problem. Just need you to talk me through what the problem is, what the technical difficulty is, is and we'll go from there. VISITOR: I’m really not sure. I put something in the trash, and then it started spinning around on my desktop. KEVIN J: Ok. I can look into that for you. Do you know what it was that you deleted? The first step might be to restore it. VISITOR: I don't want to go back out there, Kevin. It's in the bin now and there it shall remain. KEVIN J: Do you know the name of the file you deleted? VISITOR: It wasn't a file. It was an egg carton filled with cat litter and some Pez I'd ground up with a pestle. KEVIN J: Ok. I think I understand now what you are saying. Let me get this straight. So - VISITOR: I went to the bin, and when I came back my computer was spinning around on my desktop (the top of my desk). Like it was possessed. It was just going around and around. So fast. SO FASSST. KEVIN J: Could you explain what is spinning exactly? VISITOR: My computer. KEVIN J: A computer icon? VISITOR: That’s right. It’s spinning like an icon – like a revolving Christ. KEVIN J: The rainbow wheel? VISITOR: Is that what they're calling him now? I honestly don't know how to describe what is happening here. KEVIN J: Can you take a screenshot of your desktop for me? VISITOR: How do I do that? KEVIN J: Command-Shift-3. VISITOR: I don’t understand. I'm revolving along with the computer, and I'm having a hard time typing and seeing the screen. I’m really sorry, Kevin. I never get anything right. KEVIN J: I'm sure we can get this sorted. VISITOR: I'll do whatever it takes to resolve this situation, Kevin. It's really important to me. And I'm sure it is to you too. KEVIN J: Absolutely Honey. And sorry for all the inconvenience. How's that screenshot coming along? VISITOR: What screenshot? KEVIN J: Command-Shift-3. VISITOR: I'm sorry. What are you talking about? KEVIN J: Press command shift and 3. The keys on the keyboard. VISITOR: Wait. I just remembered. I installed steam so might that be the issue? KEVIN J: Did the spinning start after you installed Steam? VISITOR: Yes. Right after I boiled the kettle and wafted the steam into the vent. I steamed that computer up real good! There was condensation dripping off my computer and hands... KEVIN: Thanks for your time. <KEVIN J HAS ENDED THE SESSION> |
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