So you didn't make it to the Block Party/Digifest last weekend. But that's okay - because here's some more of the intro video we played at the event... More to follow! Yes - MORE!
Hello, everyone. Mr T here. You possibly remember me from TV's 'The Eh? Team' - a short-lived show I was in about a group of partially-deaf mercenaries.
Anyway, enough bragging about my glittering career! It's time now for me to test your knowledge on my favourite topic - bins! Click onwards for my very own Big Bin Quiz! It won't be easy - but make sure you do your best to stay away from my wrong bin answers! LOL!
Hello, children. I'm Mr T, the TV toughie with a heart of gold. I don't even want to go on planes. If you're anything like me, you're no doubt looking forward to the festive season - but anxious about the amount of refuse you'll be throwing out.
We all know how an overflowing bin can attract the local tamperers, so around this time of year, I prefer to bring my bins into the living room, where I can keep an especially close eye on them. Yes, it might whiff a bit when you have the family round, but it's the only idiot-proof method of keeping them safe.
Why not take your mind off the stink with these festive apps for your phones? But please... if you must USE these APPS, I would APPRECIATE it if you DIDN'T use THEM anywhere near MY bins. And I beg of you: no planes today.
Hello everyone. Mr T here. I've just returned back from BinCon '15, where I've spent a wonderful couple of days browsing all the latest bins in the company of others with a healthy interest in the bins.
My highlight of the weekend was the Cosplay Gala - seeing four and twenty bin-loving folk strutting hither and tither, while dressed as their favourite bins, was an absolute delight.
Why, these days it sometimes seems as if everyone is angling for a little bin action - even the famous people. Here's my essential run-down of the top bin-happy celebrities.
Hello, everyone! I'm Mr T. You may remember me from my guest appearance in Diff'rent Strokes, in which I appeared as Mister T, a bejewelled Christian street tough, and Mister T, the animated television series starring myself - Mr T - as Mister T, a bejewelled, Christian street tough.
People often ask me which of my many catchphrases is my favourite. That's simple - it's the one that's shouted at me the most often in the street: "I ain't gettin' on no plane, Willis!".
With that in mind, here's a selection of your letters, asking for my assistance in technical matters pertaining to that wonder of the modern age - The Internet.
Hello, everyone. Mr T here. It can't have escaped your attention that there's a general election coming up in a couple of days - once again, as they do every few years, the great Britons of Great Britain are off to the polls to choose their favourite political figure.
Suffice to say, with so many different policies and charisma-levels to consider, choosing which candidate to vote for can get one into a terrible pickle.
This is why I've decided to fling open the curtains of my problem pages to issues of a political nature. Stick with me, and I'll hopefully steer you in the direction of the appropriate candidate. Now bring on the electoral dysfunction!
Hello, boys and girls! Mr T here. You might recall I was here several times before, helping your parents and elder siblings with my no-nonsense advice across a wide range of topics.
Prior to that, I portrayed a popular TV toughfellow, in the television show 'The "A" Team', as well as its little known sequel 'The T Team'. Unfortunately, the latter was cancelled just three episodes in, after people pronouncing the name of the show were often accused of having a stutter.
We tried a further reboot of the franchise with another show entitled 'A Team', but somehow it just lacked a certain drama, and all seemed a bit vague. I lament its passing.
This week, I've been up to my elbows in my enormous mail-trench, fisting around for letters on the subject of health and wellness. But enough about that. Let's bring on the problems!
Well... this is a bit of an experiment. Ostensibly we put this together - using some existing Mr T material - in a bid to try and get our heads around the process of podcast-making. See it as a warts-and-all pilot, which we're kind/foolish enough to share with you...
Well, we asked and you answered - literally in your dozen (or so)! If you'd like to feature in a future Mr T's Gaming Problem Page, please send your dilemmas to firstname.lastname@example.org and we'll pass them on to the TV toughie for his response.
For now, here's a selection from our initial batch of readers' woes. Mr T will return later this week.
Hello Mr T,
Please help. I recently became worried that people were sneaking into my house at night and rearranging all of the games on my shelf. I went online to look for a GamerGate to secure my beloved shiny discs and asked for help. Now I seem to be getting bombarded by messages from misogynistic 14 year-olds with serious personality issues. What do I do?
MR T SAYS: "Firstly, I would encourage you to ignore the messages. Internet trolls like nothing more than the oxygen of attention. Secondly, if I ever CATCH you sneaking AROUND my house AT night trying to REARRANGE my things I will come ROUND your house and rearrange your limbs INTO a pretzel. I will SNAP and break YOU. I will RUIN all you HOLD dear."
Dear Mr T,
I suffer from terrible motion sickness and headaches when playing some games. Is there anything I can do to stop this? Thanks in advance.
David, England (UK, Europe)
MR T SAYS: "The best advice I can give you is to limit the amount of time you play games or use screens. I'd also suggest you speak to an optician or doctor - you may need glasses. However, if YOU ever train TO become an OPTICIAN and then get A job AS AN optician, and prescribe GLASSES to Mr T and then LAUGH AT Mr T while he's trying ON different GLASSES in the shop, with your ANNOYING cackling LAUGH, I will return to your STORE and destroy YOUR STOCK of spectacle frames with A breeze BLOCK."
Dear Mr T,
I have a child now, and I can't find any time to play video games. I have tried getting her to join in, pah! She seems to be content playing with a doll house, pretending to feed her bunny, and pouring Duplo out of the box.
How can I rescue this situation?
MR T SAYS: "Creative play is vital for a child's development, and I would suggest you encourage your daughter to indulger her imagination wherever possible. Nevertheless, if YOU ever hire Mr T to BE your babysitter, and your DAUGHTER scribbles ON HIS scalp while he IS power-napping, I will FLY into a RAGE, climb to the TOP OF your home, and rip out all the LINTEL ARCH BOARDS around your GUTTERING, and throw them to the GROUND."
With the advent of these multi choice games, each that seems to lead to a different (albeit minor) ending. As I feel I haven’t completed a game unless I’ve seen every pixel a game has to offer (yes the Vectrex was a pain). As a result I have approximately 15.6x10 11 gamesaves of Fallout New Vagas and the like at crucial decision making points. How best to keep track of all of these forks in the narrative road? Thanks.
MR T SAYS: "Mr T does not KNOW what YOU are talking ABOUT. He just HOPES that this IS NOT some veiled ATTACK... FOR YOUR sake."
Dear Mr T,
My old man’s a dustman. He wears a dustman’s hat. But recently he became addicted to Resident Evil and his obsession is driving my old mum barmy. As soon as he gets in from his rounds he’s sat on the sofa despatching the hoards of the undead, he doesn’t even take the time to remove his hobnail boots.
Now, my old mum likes to see the evil undead beaten to a bloody pulp as much as the next person, but she doesn’t actually like to see the evil undead beaten to a bloody pulp. Last week she was left so out of sorts by the the continual sounds of moans, groans and gunshots that she very nearly burnt a hole in my old man’s cor-blimey trousers with the iron.
Without the proper uniform he may lose his job, leaving them without the ability to pay the rent on their council flat. Please come to the aid of one of society’s unsung heroes. Help me, Mr T. You're my only hope.
Ronseal Prinze Jr III
MR T SAYS: "Mr T is not a charity. I wish your parents all the best, but often losing a job can be a blessing in disguise, and lead to new opportunities.
"Regardless, if your father GETS sloppy in the FINAL days of his JOB and DOESN'T BOTHER putting Mr T's bins back ONTO THE drive, and just leaves THEM on the pavement where anyone CAN tamper with them, Mr T will become ENRAGED and upset and LAY IN wait for the next bin COLLECTION. He will leave traps AROUND the bins AND go about the RUBBISH TRUCK with a claw-headed HAMMER. He will SMASH and bash the wheels and SIDES and WINGMIRRORS. 'NO!!!' he will shout. 'NO!!! I WILL NOT LET YOU TREAT MY BINS IN SUCH A FASHION!!! YOU WILL RESPECT THEM! YOU WILL RESPECT MY BINS!!'."
See more Mr T here.
Christmas can be a time of anxiety and concern for many of us. At this time of year, we can find ourselves worrying about everything from choosing the perfect present, to the possibility of some kids hanging around our bins.
Fortunately, it doesn't have to be like that, if you plan correctly. As my old A Team partner, Hamble Lecter, use to say - "I love it when a plan draws to a successful conclusion!".
Let me take the festive stress out of your yuletide - with my stress-free guide to having the happiest of holidays.
Get a head start on the Christmas retail rush by starting your Christmas shopping in January. Not only will you save a small fortune by buying in the January sales, but you'll be able to spread your spending throughout the year.
Buying one or two gifts a month will make barely a dent on your wallet, and not leave you impoverished come December.
However, if you DO decide to buy A GIFT for me for SOME reason, I should inform YOU now that I DON'T enjoy or appreciate NOVELTY GIFTS. If you buy ME a FUNNY SWEATER I will not WEAR it. If you buy me a PAIR of comedic READING GLASSES I will SNAP THEM. If you GIVE me a HUMOROUS pair of joke reindeer ANTLERS I will prepare a SMALL fire and BURN THEM in front OF you and OTHERS of your ilk. If you WRAP me a FAKE dog DIRT I will make you EAT a real DOG dirt and the dirt OF a young child. There will BE no RESTRAINT or surrender.
Christmas dinner can dominate Christmas day if you're not sufficiently organised. From preparing the food, to cooking it, to clearing up afterwards, it can take up time you'd rather be spending with your family.
My advice is to cook all of your food 24 hours or more in advance. If you freeze it or refrigerate it, you can then just pop it in the oven or microwave to defrost and heat.
Although, I should warn you THAT if you are EVER invited to MY HOUSE for CHRISTMAS dinner, and you START complaining ABOUT THE WAY that I cook sprouts, because I put LEMON and DRIPPING on them I won't HESITATE to destroy the REST of the food with MY fists, feet and LIMBS.
I will punch APART the turkey. I will KICK the bacon ROLL-UPS against the wall. I will STOMP on the roasts and PARSNIPS and bend all THE cutlery until IT is UNUSABLE. I will TIP over the TABLE and destroy it with A METAL chain.
The average family will generate more rubbish over Christmas than at any other time of year. Fortunately, almost everything about Christmas can be recycled - from leftover food, to wrapping paper, to the tree itself. If you own a bottle of Tippex, you can even recycle your Christmas cards for next year.
Inevitably, though, some items will need to be placed in your refuse bins, so be sure to keep an eye on the bin collection times as outlined by your local authority. These can often be erratic and unpredictable at this time of year, adding to the festive anxiety.
IF like ME you find yourself WITH an OVERFLOWING bin come BOXING DAY be sure to be EXTRA vigilant. This YEAR I will be TRAINING a video camera with AN infra-red SENSOR on my bins during the entirety OF CHRISTMAS Day. If anyone ATTEMPTS to tamper with the contents of MY BINS I will be alerted to the fact. I will GO INTO the airing cupboard AND retrieve my TRIDENT and NET.
I will RUSH from my house and THREATEN THEM. I will CHASE THEM from my BINS and I will terrorise them FOR the next THREE to FOUR days. On the FIFTH day I will retreat. On the subsequent DAY I will return AND engage in a GUERILLA-STYLE assault on the bins of THEIR LOVED ones. I will FILL the bins with CONCRETE.
I will leave them with NO doubt THAT messing with BINS is NOT to be TOLERATED at CHRISTMAS or any OTHER time of year. I repeat ONCE more: STAY away from MY bins.
Dear Mr T,
I'm worried that my son is addicted to video games.
He stays in his bedroom all day, rocking his head from side-to-side in his gaming chair, playing shooting games online with cackling, jabbering, foreigners. I've got nothing against most foreigners (not so keen on the Welsh), I just wish my son wouldn't play games with them.
Who knows what sort of dangerous, radicalised, ideas they're putting into his head? I'm terrified of taking his tea up to him, only to find he's issued a fatwa upon me, or embarked upon an illegal war will our neighbours under some sort of false pretext, in direct contradiction to the will of the United Nations.
Is there any way I can break his addiction?
Pentathlon Hentathalong III
MR T: "I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs Hentathalong III, that most young people enjoying the video games these days. Whereas you and I might've spent our days hanging out at music halls, rolling a wooden hoop along the cobbles, and listening to trannies (transistor radios), modern youngsters like all sorts of different things that we couldn't possibly hope to understand.
"When we were young a 'lolly' was a type of frozen confection on a stick. Nowadays, when young people talk about "LOLlies" they're referring to their own amusement, often at the expense of other people on social media, or a picture of a cat stuck in a cardboard tube.
"Nonetheless, I feel I should TELL you that IF your SON ever shows UP at my DOOR and tries to TAKE A SELFIE of me, or starts HUMBLEBRAGGING that he MET me, and I wasn't VERY nice to HIM, I'll be left with little OPTION but to rap my KNUCKLES hard against his COLLAR bone.
"My message TO your son IS this: Mr T does not MAKE idle threats. I will SHATTER his clavicle."
BIRD IS THE WORD
Dear Mr T,
I’m really worried about my pet mynah bird, Hans 2.0. Recently, he stopped repeating things he’d heard, and just started tremoring, sweating and swearing, and stamping his tiny feet on the kitchen floor (where he lives).
I’m concerned he might have something wrong with him, but as I recently blew all on my money on an antique, gem-studded, gauntlet, I don’t have the funds to get him checked out.
Can you help?
MR T: “Relax, Mr Grangehill. I may not be a veterinarian, but in TV’s The A Team I played a different kind of vet – a Vietnam war vet. This makes me perfectly place to assure you that Hans 2.0 is fine. It’s probably perfectly normal for mynah birds to do the things you describe. Just treat it for what it is – something really funny to watch.
“However, if I ever HEAR your bird OUTSIDE my window AT four o’clock in the MORNING, calling me names and CASTING aspersions about me to ALL and sundry, I will have NO choice BUT to thrust MY fist THROUGH the window, and snap HIS beak off.”
Dear Mr T,
I'm researching a book about serial killers, but my library has limited resources on this particular topic. Do you know of anywhere I could discover more?
All the best,
MR T: "Yes, Stefan. My advice would be to use the Internet. Though it comes in from a lot of stick, and can be notoriously unreliable, I find Wikipedia is usually a good starting point for any sort of research project.
"Although, there is something you should know: if your research into this grim and murky topic should EVER consume YOU with the urge TO do a murder YOURSELF, I won't allow you to commit your heinous acts near my recently cultivated crop of legumes.
"In short: slay AWAY from my BEANS."
MORE MR T HERE.
Dear Mr T,
I’m worried that my personal pension fund isn’t worth a dime. I’m paying over £200 a month into the pot, but the estimated payout, when I retire, is less than £3,000 a year. I won’t be able to live on that. What do I do?
MR T: "Don’t worry too much about saving for retirement, Mr Latts. Everybody knows that due to global warming, overpopulation, financial stress, and a worrying proliferation of ridiculous, childlike hipsters, who believe they’re being original with their large, neatly-kept beards, lumberjack shirts, braces, and rolled-up jeans and shiny shoes so forth – as if anyone still thinks Mumford and Sons are something people should aspire to, for pity’s sake – society will have collapsed by the time we reach old age.
"In all likelihood, the world of the future will look a bit like that all-time classic movie – Daleks’ Invasion Earth: 2150AD, except with no Daleks and Robomen, just loads of rubble and bits everywhere. Your sad memories will be the only reminder of how life used to be. You will weep when you remember Tumblr and iCarly. My advice is that you make the most of every day now, before it is too late.
"However, speaking of things being too late… if you EVER get a JOB as a minicab DRIVER, and I call you TO pick me UP TO take me to the SHOPS to buy a SHELF, and you arrive LATE, I will smash MY bejeweled FISTS on THE bonnet of YOUR car.
"Let me be very clear about this: I will DO this to your car repeatedly. REPEATEDLY. Twice."
Dear Mr T,
I spent £500 on two kittens, but after several months they still won’t let me hold them or pet them. In fact, they run away whenever I come close, and only pretend to show interest in me at feeding time. What can I do?
MR T: "Unfortunately, cats need to be handled from a very young age so that they get used to human interaction. It is also common knowledge that cats are the least friendly and most awful of all the animals, so I’m afraid you’ve made a terrible mistake in buying them, Mr Pickliss. Your cats literally hate you. They can't do a lot about that. It's just their unfriendly nature, sadly.
"However, if I ever see YOUR cats in my GARDEN, putting THEIR foul scent ON my GNOMES, or trilling to ATTRACT a mate, I’ll have no CHOICE but to sweep them UP in a SPECIAL sort OF custom cat-net and DRAG them OFF TO BE spayed and DESTROYED. With Mr T’s ULTIMATE weapon: A really cross dog IN a bucket, with a scary face DRAWN on the bucket, on the END of a long pole.
"Know you this: I have YET to name this WEAPON."
Dear Mr T,
For the past few months I’ve been suffering from a recurring mouth ulcer, inside my left cheek. What do you think might be causing it? I recently became a vegan, so might it be some sort of vitamin deficiency?
Lottie Rees (Mrs)
MR T: "I’m afraid that I wouldn’t like to hazard a guess as to the source of your oral discomfort, Mrs Rees. Typically, a mouth ulcer is caused by damage to the lining of your mouth, although the actual cause could be anything from stress and anxiety to a viral infection. My advice is that you should see a doctor or dental hygienist.
"Regardless of what’s behind it, I should WARN you that if you ever suffer some sort of bewildering “VEGAN MANIA” and DECIDE to strip OFF and SUDDENLY COME AT me in THE street with some SORT of sharpened implement, and START jabbing it towards MY mouth WITH THE intention of making an ULCER happen in my MOUTH, I will have NO choice but to KNOCK YOU in the throat WITH my POWERFUL elbow. Do not DOUBT me. This is NO empty threat: I will END your vegan DIET there and then.
"Try EATING your quinoa without A pharynx, you grotesque NUMPTY."
Dear Mr T,
My 15 year-old son, Trellis, has racked up a massive mobile phone bill trying to win the competition on The Gadget Show. I’ve tried punishing him by threatening to take his phone away from him, but he doesn’t seem to care. He just looks at me, and says “I don’t care” in this really annoying voice.
Do you have any advice? Thanks in advance,
MR T: "I feel your pain. My son, 'Mr t' (lower case), once spent £413.47 watching a scatological comedy show on the BBC iPlayer while we were vacationing in the Algarve. My advice to you is to do exactly what I did to my son – take his phone away immediately, and force him to get a Saturday job to pay back the bill. Do not return the phone until he has paid off the entire debt. Children and teenagers respond to boundaries. You’re his mother, not his best friend, and that’s the best piece of advice I could ever give.
"The best piece of advice… bar one.
"If YOUR SON is one of the SHOUTING little jerk-a-holes WHO kept me awake last night by riding one of those LITTLE MOTORCYCLES, like the ones a small clown rides, around the GREEN outside my house, and who then KNOCKED OVER my bins – DELIBERATELY – when I told them to GO HOME, then I refuse to BE held accountable for WHAT I will do if THEY COME back again tonight.
"I have a BOX of old HORNBY 00 gauge model railway accessories in my LOFT. I will gather up the TINY houses. I will gather the railway tracks, and the little people. I will CRUSH THEM into A ball. I will attach a string to this ball of model RAILWAY detritus and - whup whup whup! - whirl IT around my head. I will LOVE the sound it makes, as I approach your son and HIS friends. Then I will SWING it AGAINST the scalps of your SON and the OTHERS if he IS the one responsible for waking ME up.
"GIVE him this message from me AND make SURE he listens: STAY AWAY from MY BINS."
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