Greetings, stay-at-home-cretins. I'm Noel Edmonds. Unfortunately, I recently lost my memory, and have no recollection of whether I've got any dark secrets stashed away in my past, like most DJs of my generation do.
Unfortunately, I can't even refer back to my private diary, as I lost it down a hole in my house. I suppose I could make a wish, or pray to the cosmos, or whatever it is that I do, but I can't even remember how to do that! Loads of LOLs.
Why don't you stick around while I make a few calls, and find out the truth about my past? It's sure to be a rollicking great eye-opener, whatever happens!
Unfortunately, I can't even refer back to my private diary, as I lost it down a hole in my house. I suppose I could make a wish, or pray to the cosmos, or whatever it is that I do, but I can't even remember how to do that! Loads of LOLs.
Why don't you stick around while I make a few calls, and find out the truth about my past? It's sure to be a rollicking great eye-opener, whatever happens!
"HELLO. THIS IS NOEL EDMONDS. PLEASE, AM I A PERVERTED COMPANION?"
PRESS REVEAL TO FIND OUT IF NOEL HAS EVER BEEN A PERVERTED COMPANION:
"...I'M GOING TO SAY... YES?"
"HELLO. IT'S NOEL EDMONDS HERE. I'D LIKE TO KNOW IF I'VE EVER HAD A SPECIAL CUDDLE WITH A SUN BOY."
PRESS REVEAL TO FIND OUT IF NOEL HAS EVER HAD A SPECIAL CUDDLE WITH A SUN BOY:
"AFFIRMATIVE."
"GOOD AFTERNOON. CRINKLED BOTTOM! MY NAME IS NOEL EDMONDS, AND I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU WHETHER I'VE EVER WIPED MY DIRTY DRIPS ON A TAPESTRY."
PRESS REVEAL TO FIND OUT IF NOEL HAS EVER WIPED HIS DIRTY DRIPS ON A TAPESTRY:
"YESYES11001YESYESYESYESYESYES11011101011."
"HI THERE! I'M TV SUPERSTAR NOEL EDMONDS. I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHETHER I'VE EVER BUNGED UP MY DING DONG WITH AN F-CAKE (FRUIT CAKE)."
PRESS REVEAL TO FIND OUT IF NOEL HAS EVER BUNGED UP HIS DING DONG WITH AN F-CAKE:
"INDEED, MASTER."
"NOEL EDMONDS SPEAKING. I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHETHER I'M A RACIST, ACTUALLY."
PRESS REVEAL TO FIND OUT IF NOEL IS A RACIST:
"YOU BETCHA!"
"GREETINGS. YOU'RE SPEAKING TO NOEL EDMONDS FROM THE TELEVISION AND THE RADIO. BLOBBY BLOBBY! I NEED YOU TO TELL ME IF I'VE EVER MURDERED SOMEBODY."
PRESS REVEAL TO FIND OUT IF NOEL HAS EVER DONE A MURDER:
"YES, KID. YOU MURDERED OVIDE VIDEO."
"HI, JACKIE. NOEL HERE. DEALER NO-DEAL! I VERY QUICKLY NEED TO KNOW IF I EVER ABDUCTED YOUR MOTHER AND USED SCIENCE TO GRAFT A POLECAT TO HER WAIST, YEAH."
PRESS REVEAL TO FIND OUT IF NOEL EVER ABDUCTED JACKIE'S MOTHER AND USED SCIENCE TO GRAFT A POLECAT TO HER WAIST, YEAH:
"I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS... BUT YES."
"HELLO, CHUM. IT'S TV'S NOEL AND CHEGGUS! CHEGGUS DRANK POP! WE'VE BOTH BEEN WONDERING WHETHER I, NOEL, EVER BUILT A TRAP AND CAUGHT A HAIRY MALCOLM IN IT."
PRESS REVEAL TO FIND OUT IF NOEL EVER CAUGHT A HAIRY MALCOLM IN A TRAP:
"CERTAINLY DID, NOEL N' CHEGGUS."
"I AM NOEL. TELLY ADDICTIONS! I NEED ANY KNOWLEDGE YOU MIGHT HAVE PERTAINING TO ANY FURTIVE ACTIVITIES I MIGHT'VE UNDERTAKEN IN A SNOWDOME."
PRESS REVEAL TO FIND OUT IF NOEL EVER GOT UP TO FURTIVE ACTIVITIES IN A SNOWDOME:
"YES... YES YOU DID."
"YOU ARE TALKING TO NOEL EDMONDS. NOEL'S ACID HOUSE PARTY! HE'D VERY MUCH LIKE TO KNOW WHETHER HE HAS EVER HOVERED ABOVE THE BAY OF PIGS, BARKING RECIPES AT A COUPLE OF WHEEZING CUBANS."
PRESS REVEAL TO FIND OUT IF NOEL HAS EVER HOVERED ABOVE THE BAY OF PIGS, BARKING RECIPES AT A COUPLE OF WHEEZING CUBANS:
"YES YES YES NO YES YES YES YES."
"HI. I'M NOEL EDMONDS, AND I'D LIKE SOMETHING CLEARING UP: HAVE I EVER APPOINTED MYSELF THE PRINCE OF COLESLAW?"
PRESS REVEAL TO FIND OUT IF NOEL HAS EVER APPOINTED HIMSELF THE PRINCE OF COLESLAW:
"MMMUH... YES?"
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