Most unexpectedly, we actually had a semi-healthy haul of letters this week.
Some of them are a bit long, but never mind. You know what they say: quantity over quality!
Oh well.
If you would like to be immortalised/insulted on this page, all you have to do is shove your comments, opinions, and ask-me-anythings (questions) down this greasy o-hole: digitiser2000@gmail.com
Some of them are a bit long, but never mind. You know what they say: quantity over quality!
Oh well.
If you would like to be immortalised/insulted on this page, all you have to do is shove your comments, opinions, and ask-me-anythings (questions) down this greasy o-hole: digitiser2000@gmail.com
BURY THE HATCHET
I'm off to the Bury Arcade Club tomorrow (again). It really is quite perfect.
I often have dreams about places that I can no longer visit as they don't exist anymore and know are never coming back (even Woolworths). So to be able to walk around in the dark, listening to the bips and beeps, and hunch over the inexplicably shrunken cabinets, is all like being guided through a great sleep by a benevolent Freddy Kruger who loves children.
And they sell cans of coke for 50p! Don't tell them I'd be happy to pay more.
I recall your Secret Cinema article a while back, and you recommending it. So often I've been disappointed by efforts to reanimate nostalgia, be that through modern movie adaptations of favourite childhood licenses or re-released Trio biscuits.
The reason the Arcade Club succeeds is because the arcades there are the exact same ones as they were decades ago, and the owners don't fuss you or overcharge for the experience.
To anyone remotely near the North West, I enthusiastically recommend it, whether to remind yourself of the simple pleasures of waggling a joystick in public or to discover it anew, because despite the tremendous leaps in home consoles there is still something about playing on a cabinet that just makes playing games seem more...fun. Sometimes you can go home again.
Sorry for the length Biffo, didn't expect to get my passion flowing so much!
Dogless Wonder
I'm off to the Bury Arcade Club tomorrow (again). It really is quite perfect.
I often have dreams about places that I can no longer visit as they don't exist anymore and know are never coming back (even Woolworths). So to be able to walk around in the dark, listening to the bips and beeps, and hunch over the inexplicably shrunken cabinets, is all like being guided through a great sleep by a benevolent Freddy Kruger who loves children.
And they sell cans of coke for 50p! Don't tell them I'd be happy to pay more.
I recall your Secret Cinema article a while back, and you recommending it. So often I've been disappointed by efforts to reanimate nostalgia, be that through modern movie adaptations of favourite childhood licenses or re-released Trio biscuits.
The reason the Arcade Club succeeds is because the arcades there are the exact same ones as they were decades ago, and the owners don't fuss you or overcharge for the experience.
To anyone remotely near the North West, I enthusiastically recommend it, whether to remind yourself of the simple pleasures of waggling a joystick in public or to discover it anew, because despite the tremendous leaps in home consoles there is still something about playing on a cabinet that just makes playing games seem more...fun. Sometimes you can go home again.
Sorry for the length Biffo, didn't expect to get my passion flowing so much!
Dogless Wonder
Press reveal to see what else has you apologising for your length/flowing passion:
REVEAL:
5 STAR
We've all played Metal Gear Solid 5, knocked out a guard, laid his unconscious body on the ground, then ridden your horse over the body and made the horse defecate in the guard's mouth... right?
Steve Dave
We've all played Metal Gear Solid 5, knocked out a guard, laid his unconscious body on the ground, then ridden your horse over the body and made the horse defecate in the guard's mouth... right?
Steve Dave
Let's throw that one open to the audience.
EU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT
I was going to vote to leave the EU in the upcoming referendum, but then David Cameron sent me a message saying that if I did that then my PS4 would catch on fire. Is this true?
Stringfellow Hawke
I was going to vote to leave the EU in the upcoming referendum, but then David Cameron sent me a message saying that if I did that then my PS4 would catch on fire. Is this true?
Stringfellow Hawke
Strange. We thought Cameron was pro-Europe. It just goes to show the sort of ingrained xenophobia lurking beneath the surface of so many Britons, as evidenced so much rampant casual racism, and lazy national stereotyping. Now press reveal to see what Digitiser's resident Europe expert, Le Chef, thinks about the EU:
REVEAL:
Aw-hee-haw-hee-aw! Pompt-de-la-pompt-de-doo! Le onion de garlic-le-pompt! Oui oui! Le-pompt-de-ooh-la-la!
DATA DAY
My 2ds Samsung 4gb SD card has died, taking 136 hours of Fantasy Life save data with it. Can you fix it for me to be able to smack in the face 136 times with a rusty shovel whomever it was at Level 5 who decided it would be a good idea for the cartridge to save to SD card rather then a built in save feature?
Thank you, Jim, and please dont touch me. I am much older then I look, plus I am not attracted to zombies.
A Broken Person
My 2ds Samsung 4gb SD card has died, taking 136 hours of Fantasy Life save data with it. Can you fix it for me to be able to smack in the face 136 times with a rusty shovel whomever it was at Level 5 who decided it would be a good idea for the cartridge to save to SD card rather then a built in save feature?
Thank you, Jim, and please dont touch me. I am much older then I look, plus I am not attracted to zombies.
A Broken Person
Perhaps it's a sign that you should focus a bit more on your real life, instead of wasting it on frivolous video games. Have you ever thought about that, huh? Well?
ADAM AND THE ANTICIPATION
This summer is the European Football Championship, and I am literally "frothing at the mouth" in anticipation.
Which got me thinking... how feasible would it be for Digitiser to run some kind of virtual tournament, where video games face off against each other? Like "best movie tie in game", or something.
Readers could vote who progresses in each round, and we'd end up with an eventual winner. You could even potentially ask readers to write a short descriptor for their game of choice, stating why people should / shouldn't vote for it. Of course, this would require...
1. Actual participation from people
2. The written input not being shit
3. Some method of ensuring that you get varied input
4. Probably some other stuff
On reflection, it would probably be quite complicated, but maybe there's elements there that would work. Anyways, now that I've ideated it... over to you!
Hamptonoid
This summer is the European Football Championship, and I am literally "frothing at the mouth" in anticipation.
Which got me thinking... how feasible would it be for Digitiser to run some kind of virtual tournament, where video games face off against each other? Like "best movie tie in game", or something.
Readers could vote who progresses in each round, and we'd end up with an eventual winner. You could even potentially ask readers to write a short descriptor for their game of choice, stating why people should / shouldn't vote for it. Of course, this would require...
1. Actual participation from people
2. The written input not being shit
3. Some method of ensuring that you get varied input
4. Probably some other stuff
On reflection, it would probably be quite complicated, but maybe there's elements there that would work. Anyways, now that I've ideated it... over to you!
Hamptonoid
That sounds like a good idea, but an awful lot of organising/work. You know: for me.
ARTICLE OF FAITH
You know why you don't get letters? You do. Yo do. This why: Comments.
Back in the day, I would write letters that started in ways such as "I read your article on intimate waxing and you are so, so, wrong.." and people would read my letter and write back to '4 4 2' with letters such as "Waxing improved my game 110%".
Now, I voice such concerns in the 'comments' section.
So, as you complained about not having enough letters, I'm writing this to the letters page and so my ideas will be so disastrously out of date (a whole week) that no one will even remember the article that I am writing about.
It is Hardcore Vs Casuals.
You did say in your piece that this kind of attitude is not confined to gaming - but seems worst there. I disagree.
I've had experience of several 'worlds' where this kind of prejudice exists and have come to realise that in general, it actually isn't the real 'hardcore' that have the problem - it's wannabe 'hardcores'. People who WANT others to think they're hardcore. Who need them to to validate their own sorry existence.
The other areas where I have encountered this are all in the arena of what may be termed 'extreme' sports. I climb (rock climbing and mountaineering). I surf and I ski/snowboard (yes, both, gasp!). In a previous life I taught some of these and I've been deep within their 'worlds'.
I have been lucky enough to climb with some of the world's best climbers - and no, I was never anywhere near that standard, at all, ever. But these top guys (and girls, I know both) never had any problem with any climber, however lowly their standard. They know that we're all out there for the same reasons, pushing it according to our abilities and getting the same rewards.
I remember coming back from a trip made to do a particular climb, not hard but quite remote and iconic within the climbing fraternity. I bumped into a guy who had recently climbed a route thought of as one of the hardest - and most dangerous - in the world.
All he wanted to talk about was my trip - he was made up for me as he knew it was a big deal, for me, at that time. I've seen him climb routes way harder, without a rope, in trainers, just to have a look at something further up a cliff. To him, the thing I had done was nothing but there was no hint of condescension.
On the other hand, I've seen (most particularly) snowboarders making judgements on people according to their gear. As mentioned, I'm a mountaineer (not good but I try) and thus have some quite nice and functional mountaineering clothes - gore tex trousers, jackets etc. I wear this stuff to ski and board too - I'm not rich enough to have different gear with the same function for different sports.
Now, I've been lucky enough to spend a few winters in the Alps and thus have boarded quite a lot, done lots of off-piste stuff (again, in the company of people way better and more experienced than me) and so am not too bad on a board. The best? No way. Not bad? Yes.
So, I have frequently got off a lift and encountered a gaggle of boarders and been checked out literally head to toe - helmet, jacket, trousers, boots, board - and been found wanting. Not baggy enough, I think... Different story once we get moving though...
Surfing can be just as bad but 2 examples will suffice (phew, you all say).
Again, top performers know we all do it for the same reasons and just because we are not all the same standard, that doesn't invalidate our motives or efforts.
So you know what? I couldn't give a tinker's cuss if 'hardcores' sneer at me. Whatever the arena. Like you said, Biff, really, who cares about these achievements. Great gamer? So what? Great climber? So what? Great surfer? So what? Found a cure for cancer? Now I'm impressed. Spent your life helping others? Now I feel I have something to aspire to.
Most crap? Just enjoy it and stuff 'em all.
Jonathan Ball
You know why you don't get letters? You do. Yo do. This why: Comments.
Back in the day, I would write letters that started in ways such as "I read your article on intimate waxing and you are so, so, wrong.." and people would read my letter and write back to '4 4 2' with letters such as "Waxing improved my game 110%".
Now, I voice such concerns in the 'comments' section.
So, as you complained about not having enough letters, I'm writing this to the letters page and so my ideas will be so disastrously out of date (a whole week) that no one will even remember the article that I am writing about.
It is Hardcore Vs Casuals.
You did say in your piece that this kind of attitude is not confined to gaming - but seems worst there. I disagree.
I've had experience of several 'worlds' where this kind of prejudice exists and have come to realise that in general, it actually isn't the real 'hardcore' that have the problem - it's wannabe 'hardcores'. People who WANT others to think they're hardcore. Who need them to to validate their own sorry existence.
The other areas where I have encountered this are all in the arena of what may be termed 'extreme' sports. I climb (rock climbing and mountaineering). I surf and I ski/snowboard (yes, both, gasp!). In a previous life I taught some of these and I've been deep within their 'worlds'.
I have been lucky enough to climb with some of the world's best climbers - and no, I was never anywhere near that standard, at all, ever. But these top guys (and girls, I know both) never had any problem with any climber, however lowly their standard. They know that we're all out there for the same reasons, pushing it according to our abilities and getting the same rewards.
I remember coming back from a trip made to do a particular climb, not hard but quite remote and iconic within the climbing fraternity. I bumped into a guy who had recently climbed a route thought of as one of the hardest - and most dangerous - in the world.
All he wanted to talk about was my trip - he was made up for me as he knew it was a big deal, for me, at that time. I've seen him climb routes way harder, without a rope, in trainers, just to have a look at something further up a cliff. To him, the thing I had done was nothing but there was no hint of condescension.
On the other hand, I've seen (most particularly) snowboarders making judgements on people according to their gear. As mentioned, I'm a mountaineer (not good but I try) and thus have some quite nice and functional mountaineering clothes - gore tex trousers, jackets etc. I wear this stuff to ski and board too - I'm not rich enough to have different gear with the same function for different sports.
Now, I've been lucky enough to spend a few winters in the Alps and thus have boarded quite a lot, done lots of off-piste stuff (again, in the company of people way better and more experienced than me) and so am not too bad on a board. The best? No way. Not bad? Yes.
So, I have frequently got off a lift and encountered a gaggle of boarders and been checked out literally head to toe - helmet, jacket, trousers, boots, board - and been found wanting. Not baggy enough, I think... Different story once we get moving though...
Surfing can be just as bad but 2 examples will suffice (phew, you all say).
Again, top performers know we all do it for the same reasons and just because we are not all the same standard, that doesn't invalidate our motives or efforts.
So you know what? I couldn't give a tinker's cuss if 'hardcores' sneer at me. Whatever the arena. Like you said, Biff, really, who cares about these achievements. Great gamer? So what? Great climber? So what? Great surfer? So what? Found a cure for cancer? Now I'm impressed. Spent your life helping others? Now I feel I have something to aspire to.
Most crap? Just enjoy it and stuff 'em all.
Jonathan Ball
Jesus, Ball. Your letter was so long that I nearly didn't run it. Then it turned out that it needed very little work to make it readable, so you got away with it by the skin of your l-l-l-lipssss-ss.
Yes. Comments. I know, I know. But... I'd hoped, perhaps optimistically, that the letters page would be for different sorts of things. I dunno what. Still, it's just a bit of fun, eh.
Now press reveal to see what sort of fun you like best:
Yes. Comments. I know, I know. But... I'd hoped, perhaps optimistically, that the letters page would be for different sorts of things. I dunno what. Still, it's just a bit of fun, eh.
Now press reveal to see what sort of fun you like best:
REVEAL:
GUN-DONE
Do you have any cheat codes for Lifeforce Tenka, on the Playstation? The only gun I have looks like an upright hoover, and if I don't finish this game the wife will continue to fill the marital bed with "bum toffee", in protest.
Ralph McBuggums
Do you have any cheat codes for Lifeforce Tenka, on the Playstation? The only gun I have looks like an upright hoover, and if I don't finish this game the wife will continue to fill the marital bed with "bum toffee", in protest.
Ralph McBuggums
Good. You deserve it.
WASH IT OFF
Can't wait for your view on the uncharted 4 meta critic Washington post fiasco! 'Gamers' are the worst, despite the fact I probably play a video game every day I would never call myself one.
Love the site btw. Wish I'd found it sooner. Had completely forgotten about your stuff on Teletext (I probably only saw it in its dwindling years) so it's great to see it all over again.
Ham
Can't wait for your view on the uncharted 4 meta critic Washington post fiasco! 'Gamers' are the worst, despite the fact I probably play a video game every day I would never call myself one.
Love the site btw. Wish I'd found it sooner. Had completely forgotten about your stuff on Teletext (I probably only saw it in its dwindling years) so it's great to see it all over again.
Ham
As you probably saw, Ham, I gone done that earlier in the week. Thanks for the nice words. Press reveal to see the cake I made you to say thanks:
REVEAL:
AMERICANDLE IN THE WIND
I'm almost old (33) and almost English (American), but when you often recall the olden days of 'Teletext' I have no clue (cluedo) what you mean.
Were British magazines written in numeric keypad and then orated in the town square via dial tone shouts? Please tell me, please, what is a 'teletext', because I don't know how to spell Google.
Thank you for your many years in EDGE. You made me feel special, like maybe the only person in this country reading your words. Also, if you one day think I'm an important enough game developer to ask me a horrible question, I promise to reply truthfully.
Jeep
I'm almost old (33) and almost English (American), but when you often recall the olden days of 'Teletext' I have no clue (cluedo) what you mean.
Were British magazines written in numeric keypad and then orated in the town square via dial tone shouts? Please tell me, please, what is a 'teletext', because I don't know how to spell Google.
Thank you for your many years in EDGE. You made me feel special, like maybe the only person in this country reading your words. Also, if you one day think I'm an important enough game developer to ask me a horrible question, I promise to reply truthfully.
Jeep
Today is your lucky day: if you had to kill a dolphin with a melee weapon, which weapon/method would you choose?
CLIFF DIVING
Thanks for the recent interview with Keith. It's nice to have different perspectives, though I am still hesitant to visit Brillzone based on allegations of his past behaviour.
Of course, these days Keith could also be a "Devil Woman" as Cliff Richard sang, though I prefer the Stones. "Pleased to meet you, woo woo, I forget my name" - classic!
Anyway, I have a question which Keith is suitably qualified to answer. The trouble with (POPULAR CONTROVERSY REDACTED) is that investigating all those claims, and counter-claims, is so tiresome. So Keith, please tell us, who is really on the side of the angels?
David W.
Thanks for the recent interview with Keith. It's nice to have different perspectives, though I am still hesitant to visit Brillzone based on allegations of his past behaviour.
Of course, these days Keith could also be a "Devil Woman" as Cliff Richard sang, though I prefer the Stones. "Pleased to meet you, woo woo, I forget my name" - classic!
Anyway, I have a question which Keith is suitably qualified to answer. The trouble with (POPULAR CONTROVERSY REDACTED) is that investigating all those claims, and counter-claims, is so tiresome. So Keith, please tell us, who is really on the side of the angels?
David W.
Press reveal to see what Keith has to say:
REVEAL:
AGENDA-BENDING
As percentages are the only true way to judge a game's worth I have taken the liberty of calculating them for your recent reviews.
I am appalled to see that Uncharted 4 scored less than 90% and only a mere 0.000916% more than Doom. I consider this clear proof of your anti-Sony agenda as all the hullabaloo over low Uncharted 4 scores tells me it must be flawless and the best game ever:
As percentages are the only true way to judge a game's worth I have taken the liberty of calculating them for your recent reviews.
I am appalled to see that Uncharted 4 scored less than 90% and only a mere 0.000916% more than Doom. I consider this clear proof of your anti-Sony agenda as all the hullabaloo over low Uncharted 4 scores tells me it must be flawless and the best game ever:
Suspect
You actually took the time to make that chart and work it out? Impressive. Especially given that our scores are worked out by me more or less randomly hitting keys.
HUMAN WASTE
Dear Digitiser2000 (if that is your real name),
LTRFTW.
Harry Medium
Dear Digitiser2000 (if that is your real name),
LTRFTW.
Harry Medium
Litres for the win? We prefer gallons. And gallons and gallons.
MAN DIARY - FRIDAY 20th MAY 2016
Today is very special day for me, as it is the one day anniversary of the day I travelled to London to poo on the Queen.
It really was a special day, even though I got arrested and cautioned after pulling down my pants, and running backwards towards the Queen's car.
The arresting officer had assumed I was merely exposing myself, and he saw the funny side when I explained that I was actually trying to poo on Her Majesty.
Sadly, I never got another chance to poo on our monarch. However, on the way home I did poo on a train seat.
Today is very special day for me, as it is the one day anniversary of the day I travelled to London to poo on the Queen.
It really was a special day, even though I got arrested and cautioned after pulling down my pants, and running backwards towards the Queen's car.
The arresting officer had assumed I was merely exposing myself, and he saw the funny side when I explained that I was actually trying to poo on Her Majesty.
Sadly, I never got another chance to poo on our monarch. However, on the way home I did poo on a train seat.
Where do the emails go? They go here: digitiser2000@gmail.com
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