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ART GARFUNKEL'S GREATEST FORGOTTEN MEGA DRIVE GRAPHICS

29/8/2018

19 Comments

 
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"Borag thungg, earthlings! I am Art Garfunkel, the folk singerman from Simon und Garfunkel. Why 'Art'? It's short for Artificial, because when I was born my parents thought I looked like some sort of weird mannequin of 'Garfield's uncle'. I still do! Ha ha.

"I shortened my name to Art because I really like art (paintings and that) and f'arts (smelly bum noise). This is why I've chosen to tell you about ten of the best-looking Sega Mega Drive games you've probably forgotten about, while also telling you about some of the best farts I ever did.

"I'm sure it's going to be a lot of fun, so here's to you, Tommy Robinson - racists love you more than you can know, woh woh woh!!"

FLINK
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This 1994 platformer was also released for the CD32, though the less said about that the better. It wasn't the most original game - a bog-standard platformer, let's be honest - but laid atop that were some of the most luscious visuals ever seen on the Mega Drive. The gold-standard version was released on the Mega-CD, but even when ported onto the standalone Mega Drive, Flink could still press its own up against graphical heavy-hitters like Earthworm Jim and Rocket Knight Adventures.
PANORAMA COTTON
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This obscure, Japan-only, shooter might not look like much in screenshots, but it featured some of the best pseudo-3D visuals ever seen on the Mega Drive. Easily the equal - if not slightly better - than the Mega Drive's Space Harrier 2, and far more successful than the ports of Super Thunder Blade and Afterburner, it somehow managed to convince that the Mega Drive had its own Mode 7 technique. 
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"Well, here I am ready to tell you about one of the best farts I ever did. It was 1964, and me and Paul were playing a show down in Greenwich Village. We were about to go on stage when I turned to Paul, grabbed him by the shoulders, forced him to his knees, and broke wind on his mouth, impassively. He spent the entire show trying not to vomit, and was so angry that it sowed the seeds of discontent which led to our eventual 1970 break-up."
THE STORY OF THOR
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The Story of Thor - also known as Beyond Oasis - was one of Sega's many attempts to find its own blockbuster RPG franchise. It may have lacked some of the charm and storytelling finesse of Nintendo's Zelda series, but it was about a billion times better looking than A Link To The Past. Its big, chunky, well-animated, characters would've looked right at home in an arcade.
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"It's time to jump forward a decade or so, to the year 1985. I was relaxing one day beside the pool at my Maliubu beach house, when I received a phone call from some guy claiming his name was Bob Gandalf. He told me he was putting on the biggest rock show ever seen, that it was going to be called Live Aid, and would I like to appear? I didn't know what to say, so I just pressed the phone against my bare anus and did a fart. The rest is history!"
VECTORMAN
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One of the most effects-stuffed games ever to appear on the Mega Drive, Vectorman (and its sequel) starred a pre-rendered robotic shooting n' morphing fellow made from orbs. It allowed for some uniquely smooth character animation, but throughout it managed to achieve things which nobody thought possible on the Mega Drive - from scaling to rotation.
RED ZONE
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Let us be clear here: Red Zone played terribly, and - somewhat ironically - part of that was because of its graphics. It used a top-down viewpoint for its on-foot and helicopter-based shooting, but it managed to bring together polygons, rotating textures, zooming, full motion video, and 3D vectors in a display of graphical prowess. Which, yes, made it quite difficult to play.  
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"Why was the water troubled in the hit song Bridge Over Troubled Water? It's inspired by a true story. During a break in Simon und Garfunkel's 1967 tour, Paul and I went fishing, to try to achieve some quality time and smooth over our many disagreements.

​"I told Paul that I had a special way of catching fish, and before he had a chance to protest, I had pulled down my pants, put my bottom into the river, and done a big fart. Paul was waving his arms around and shouting, but unfortunately I was so determined to prove that I knew what I was doing that I might've strained a little too hard. Suffice to say, the only thing we caught that day was a brown trout!"
JIMMY WHITE'S WHIRLWIND SNOOKER
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By the time Jimmy White's Whirlwind Snooker appeared on the Mega Drive it had already been a hit on the PC, Atari ST and Amiga. Nevertheless, its 3D visuals - while not the most flashy example on this list - demonstrated that, in the correct hands, the Mega Drive could handle polygons, and wasn't just a sprite factory. 
ZERO TOLERANCE
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There were more first-person shoot 'em ups on the Mega Drive than you might've expected, and Zero Tolerance was one of the better examples. No, it didn't look as good as a PC game, and the graphics were squashed into a tiny playing window, but it disproved further the general belief that the Mega Drive could only handle 2D games. 
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"In 1990, Paul and I were inducted into the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame. It was one of the greatest honours of my life, and I celebrated the only way I knew how: by clambering onto the buffet table at the after-party, and repeatedly farting on an ice sculpture until it melted. It was a night that none of us shall forget!"
TOY STORY
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Disney games on the Mega Drive had a reputation for gorgeous animation, and it's Aladdin, Castle of Illusion and The Lion King which tend to get all the plaudits. However, the Mega Drive interpretation of Toy Story might've been better looking than all of them - its smooth animation, subtle 3D, and pre-rendered visuals truly paying homage to the groundbreaking movie upon which it was based.

The Mega Drive version even had an extra racing stage not featured on the SNES incarnation. Also: a first-person bonus level, that wasn't squeezed into a tiny window.
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"It was 1973, and I was ready to make my comeback after my split with Paul. I was spending the weekend at James Taylor's place up in the Catskills. One morning, I was laying in my bed, looking out of the window at the pines, gently blowing in the early morning mountain wind, when I did a fart so pungent that James and his family had to vacate the cabin. From what I understand, they never set foot in it again."
X-PERTS
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Get this: side-scrolling beat 'em up X-Perts - a spin-off from Sega's Street Fighter challenger Eternal Champions - was one of the worst games ever released on the Mega Drive. Why is it in this list? Because its large character sprites featured some of the best animation ever to appear on the console. Unfortunately, nothing else in the game lived up to them. A true case of putting lipstick on a dog's egg.
PINOCCHIO
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In many respects, Virgin's Pinocchio is the forgotten Mega Drive Disney game, but it really deserved better. It was absolutely gorgeous, and an incredibly faithful and charming recreation of the classic animated movie - bringing all the key scenes to life with some of the best animation ever seen on a console of its era.
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"We're at the end now, but there's still time to tell you one last story. By 1966 Paul and I were barely talking. We still had great respect for one another, however, and I was particularly impressed with a new song Paul had written, called For Emily Wherever I May Find Her. Sadly, he didn't take too kindly to my suggestion that it would be more successful if we changed the title to For Emily Wherever I May Fart On Her. 

"During rehearsals, I refused to sing his original lyrics, replacing them with my own, and after a morning of this, Paul flew into a rage, demanding that I sing the song as written. I'm not proud of what happened next, but I bent Paul over a chair, pulled down his pants, pulled down my pants (and kicked them across the room), pressed our naked buttocks together, and did a fart. He burst into tears and stormed out of the room. 
Splundig vur thrigg!"
19 Comments
RichardM
29/8/2018 11:07:36 am

I was a SNES-boy and always envied my Mega Drive owning friends a bit, and always kind of thought the graphics on the MD were a bit better (being a child then, and worrying about these things). Streets of Rage 2 and Dynamite Heddy come to mind as examples. This isn’t at all fair to greats like Super Mario World, Link to the Past, Street Fighter 2, etc: but I was a stupid kid. Grass is always greener, etc.

I wonder now was the difference just down to art style, or technical differences (Mega Drive being more ‘arcadey’), or summat else?

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Grembot
29/8/2018 12:22:43 pm

The SNES could display more colours at once so it always looked better to me...and I had a Megadrive!

At the time I was convinced SEGA’s games were superior but they’re were actually just more “rad” and “extreme” weren’t they.

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RichardM
29/8/2018 03:12:57 pm

I think it’s about the arcade thing I alluded to. I’d have loved to see some action RPGs on the Mega Drive, but there isn’t anything to hold. candle to all the Nintendo and Squaresoft stuff on the SNES. People mention Shining Force but it is this: a bunch of farts.

JohnM
29/8/2018 12:34:48 pm

I've just finished Paul Simon's autobiography and two thirds of it was an angry, violent rant about the reverse human centipede, gas exchange he was subjected to by Art. He claims he can still taste it. Anyway in the final third, he reckons Sonic 3D: Flickies' Island, is one of the prettier Mega Drive games.

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DD
29/8/2018 12:58:08 pm

REDZONE!

Thank you Biffo, I've been racking my brains for months now trying to remember the name of this game from my childhood.

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Starbuck
30/8/2018 10:58:54 pm

Me too! Likewise the developer's previous game, a 2D 4-way scrolling shooter which had some ace Orbital-ish music. Did they become Core Design or something?

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Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
29/8/2018 02:45:08 pm

Some more:

Outlander. This did scaling of sprites and a seriously beautiful, undulated desert landscape filled with angry bikers and cars. The complete chaos on screen in the later sections only has a bit of slowdown, but the game remains eminently playable and intense. It even had picture-in-picture when you were shooting bikers alongside (and this was an actual camera looking sideways, as you would see the rest of the enemies in their correct positions).

Ranger-X. Have to mention this one just for being beautiful and smooth. The forest level, where you can dive down through the canopy to battle baddies in the gloom or soar up above the treetops (with a magnificent vista of endless forest and distant mountains) was spectacular.

The Terminator CD. The animation of Kyle Reese is stupendous (he and Sarah Connor are rotoscoped) and the levels are gigantic, intricate, and packed with cool little details.

Zero Tolerance there was a lot of fun, the gunfire sound was very impactful, and there was a cool bit when you got to the second section and landed on the roof of a skyscraper and had to contend with snipers on a distant rooftop.

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Adam
29/8/2018 04:33:30 pm

So what game is that pic from right at the very top of Art's article?

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ShaolinMonkey
29/8/2018 05:16:45 pm

I believe that would be Ristar, I could be wrong though, I never actually played it.

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ShaolinMonkey
29/8/2018 05:18:57 pm

On looking at screenshots, it looks like I was wrong!

Ben
29/8/2018 05:40:28 pm

Gunstar Heroes I am 98% sure

Wrist Flapper link
29/8/2018 05:47:11 pm

That, my sexy funtime friends, would be Dynamite Headdy.

Adam
29/8/2018 09:34:55 pm

You're right Wristflapper, Dynamite Headdy it is! Thanks - I think I might try to get a copy of that now.

Starbuck
30/8/2018 10:54:36 pm

Dunwmite Headdy, though not as hardcore as Gunstar Heroes, just felt so fresh! A wonderful game.

stupidactingsmart
29/8/2018 08:30:23 pm

That remark about the brown trout had me cackling like a maddened old grandad (and I'm in my thirties), you twisted genius of nonsense.

Sidenote: I love Simon & Garfunkel. Went to see Paul Simon in Glasgow last month, in fact. I wish they (especially Paul) weren't such dicks.

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fudadudd
29/8/2018 09:46:13 pm

Just played through Zero tolerance again ,It's a gem, loads of levels, nice variety in weapons and the digitised speech is crystal clear, None of yer usual white noise. AAAAaaaaaaand you could link up and play co-op

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lord mitz
29/8/2018 09:53:12 pm

boragg thung to you, too

what a jarjazz article

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Heeden
31/8/2018 10:59:29 pm

Glad I'm not the only squaxx dek thargo pleasantly surprised to discover this article was scrotnig.

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R Teachoke
30/8/2018 09:19:20 am

My most memorable would have been a SBD at a young children's party in a playzone. All was quiet until the stench hit. Suddenly all the parents of babies surrounding started lifting them up and sniffing their bottoms to find out which baby needed changing. Some of the older ones were arguing with their parents that they didn't need changing.

A 10 metre radius circle of raised children, resembling the after effect of the Tungaska explosion, surrounded me. It was then that they heads of the parents all turned towards the epicenter, in a scene reminiscent of an 80s horror movie, to see a desperately trying to stifle a titter person.

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