ART GARFUNKEL'S GREATEST FORGOTTEN MEGA DRIVE GRAPHICS

"Borag thungg, earthlings! I am Art Garfunkel, the folk singerman from Simon und Garfunkel. Why 'Art'? It's short for Artificial, because when I was born my parents thought I looked like some sort of weird mannequin of 'Garfield's uncle'. I still do! Ha ha.

"I shortened my name to Art because I really like art (paintings and that) and f'arts (smelly bum noise). This is why I've chosen to tell you about ten of the best-looking Sega Mega Drive games you've probably forgotten about, while also telling you about some of the best farts I ever did.

"I'm sure it's going to be a lot of fun, so here's to you, Tommy Robinson - racists love you more than you can know, woh woh woh!!"

---

FLINK

This 1994 platformer was also released for the CD32, though the less said about that the better. It wasn't the most original game - a bog-standard platformer, let's be honest - but laid atop that were some of the most luscious visuals ever seen on the Mega Drive. The gold-standard version was released on the Mega-CD, but even when ported onto the standalone Mega Drive, Flink could still press its own up against graphical heavy-hitters like Earthworm Jim and Rocket Knight Adventures.

PANORAMA COTTON

This obscure, Japan-only, shooter might not look like much in screenshots, but it featured some of the best pseudo-3D visuals ever seen on the Mega Drive. Easily the equal - if not slightly better - than the Mega Drive's Space Harrier 2, and far more successful than the ports of Super Thunder Blade and Afterburner, it somehow managed to convince that the Mega Drive had its own Mode 7 technique. 

"Well, here I am ready to tell you about one of the best farts I ever did. It was 1964, and me and Paul were playing a show down in Greenwich Village. We were about to go on stage when I turned to Paul, grabbed him by the shoulders, forced him to his knees, and broke wind on his mouth, impassively. He spent the entire show trying not to vomit, and was so angry that it sowed the seeds of discontent which led to our eventual 1970 break-up."

THE STORY OF THOR

The Story of Thor - also known as Beyond Oasis - was one of Sega's many attempts to find its own blockbuster RPG franchise. It may have lacked some of the charm and storytelling finesse of Nintendo's Zelda series, but it was about a billion times better looking than A Link To The Past. Its big, chunky, well-animated, characters would've looked right at home in an arcade.

"It's time to jump forward a decade or so, to the year 1985. I was relaxing one day beside the pool at my Maliubu beach house, when I received a phone call from some guy claiming his name was Bob Gandalf. He told me he was putting on the biggest rock show ever seen, that it was going to be called Live Aid, and would I like to appear? I didn't know what to say, so I just pressed the phone against my bare anus and did a fart. The rest is history!"

VECTORMAN

One of the most effects-stuffed games ever to appear on the Mega Drive, Vectorman (and its sequel) starred a pre-rendered robotic shooting n' morphing fellow made from orbs. It allowed for some uniquely smooth character animation, but throughout it managed to achieve things which nobody thought possible on the Mega Drive - from scaling to rotation.

RED ZONE

Let us be clear here: Red Zone played terribly, and - somewhat ironically - part of that was because of its graphics. It used a top-down viewpoint for its on-foot and helicopter-based shooting, but it managed to bring together polygons, rotating textures, zooming, full motion video, and 3D vectors in a display of graphical prowess. Which, yes, made it quite difficult to play.  

"Why was the water troubled in the hit song Bridge Over Troubled Water? It's inspired by a true story. During a break in Simon und Garfunkel's 1967 tour, Paul and I went fishing, to try to achieve some quality time and smooth over our many disagreements.

​"I told Paul that I had a special way of catching fish, and before he had a chance to protest, I had pulled down my pants, put my bottom into the river, and done a big fart. Paul was waving his arms around and shouting, but unfortunately I was so determined to prove that I knew what I was doing that I might've strained a little too hard. Suffice to say, the only thing we caught that day was a brown trout!"

JIMMY WHITE'S WHIRLWIND SNOOKER

By the time Jimmy White's Whirlwind Snooker appeared on the Mega Drive it had already been a hit on the PC, Atari ST and Amiga. Nevertheless, its 3D visuals - while not the most flashy example on this list - demonstrated that, in the correct hands, the Mega Drive could handle polygons, and wasn't just a sprite factory. 

ZERO TOLERANCE

There were more first-person shoot 'em ups on the Mega Drive than you might've expected, and Zero Tolerance was one of the better examples. No, it didn't look as good as a PC game, and the graphics were squashed into a tiny playing window, but it disproved further the general belief that the Mega Drive could only handle 2D games. 

"In 1990, Paul and I were inducted into the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame. It was one of the greatest honours of my life, and I celebrated the only way I knew how: by clambering onto the buffet table at the after-party, and repeatedly farting on an ice sculpture until it melted. It was a night that none of us shall forget!"

TOY STORY

Disney games on the Mega Drive had a reputation for gorgeous animation, and it's Aladdin, Castle of Illusion and The Lion King which tend to get all the plaudits. However, the Mega Drive interpretation of Toy Story might've been better looking than all of them - its smooth animation, subtle 3D, and pre-rendered visuals truly paying homage to the groundbreaking movie upon which it was based.

The Mega Drive version even had an extra racing stage not featured on the SNES incarnation. Also: a first-person bonus level, that wasn't squeezed into a tiny window.

"It was 1973, and I was ready to make my comeback after my split with Paul. I was spending the weekend at James Taylor's place up in the Catskills. One morning, I was laying in my bed, looking out of the window at the pines, gently blowing in the early morning mountain wind, when I did a fart so pungent that James and his family had to vacate the cabin. From what I understand, they never set foot in it again."

X-PERTS

Get this: side-scrolling beat 'em up X-Perts - a spin-off from Sega's Street Fighter challenger Eternal Champions - was one of the worst games ever released on the Mega Drive. Why is it in this list? Because its large character sprites featured some of the best animation ever to appear on the console. Unfortunately, nothing else in the game lived up to them. A true case of putting lipstick on a dog's egg.

PINOCCHIO

In many respects, Virgin's Pinocchio is the forgotten Mega Drive Disney game, but it really deserved better. It was absolutely gorgeous, and an incredibly faithful and charming recreation of the classic animated movie - bringing all the key scenes to life with some of the best animation ever seen on a console of its era.

"We're at the end now, but there's still time to tell you one last story. By 1966 Paul and I were barely talking. We still had great respect for one another, however, and I was particularly impressed with a new song Paul had written, called For Emily Wherever I May Find Her. Sadly, he didn't take too kindly to my suggestion that it would be more successful if we changed the title to For Emily Wherever I May Fart On Her. 

"During rehearsals, I refused to sing his original lyrics, replacing them with my own, and after a morning of this, Paul flew into a rage, demanding that I sing the song as written. I'm not proud of what happened next, but I bent Paul over a chair, pulled down his pants, pulled down my pants (and kicked them across the room), pressed our naked buttocks together, and did a fart. He burst into tears and stormed out of the room. Splundig vur thrigg!"