Let's face it, hardcore gamers are the worst sort of people to be in a relationship with - if not the worst sort of people full stop.
If they're not ignoring you because they're playing games, they're pretending to not ignore you while secretly thinking about playing games.
Unfortunately, many of us do get sucked into a relationship with this wretched human scum without realising, because they're generally smart enough never to mention Katamari Damacy on a first date. By the time we become aware of their horrible obsession it's often far too late.
If they're not ignoring you because they're playing games, they're pretending to not ignore you while secretly thinking about playing games.
Unfortunately, many of us do get sucked into a relationship with this wretched human scum without realising, because they're generally smart enough never to mention Katamari Damacy on a first date. By the time we become aware of their horrible obsession it's often far too late.
How then to avoid falling into the trap of accidentally getting stuck in a relationship with a hardcore gamer? Just print out-and-keep the following checklist, and if you recognise five or more of the warning signs, then it's time to call it a day...
- They turn up to your first date in a Pikachu onesie stuffed with wires, from which they will intermittently produce a fist-load of gummi bears and biltong. They will snack upon this with their horrible bovine-style mouth, like they're filtering "air-krill".
- Their nails are shredded and coated in dried blood from trying to remove the plastic on console game boxes.
- Shining a bright light in their face - a ritual expected of many of us on a first date - causes them to flinch and hiss, screaming "It burnsssss!". Shine it a second time, and they will explode in an acrid cloud of lint and old glitter.
- They suggest you go out to a Japanese restaurant, and complain that it isn't authentic enough when the waiters address you in English.
- They keep "checking their phone" under the table, because their "mother is in hospital". Except it isn't a phone: it's a 3DS, and their "mother" is Tom Nook from Animal Crossing, and he's basically fine, just a bit sleepy.
- They tell you they grew up somewhere called "Azeroth". When you ask where that is, they roll their eyes, and make an odd clicking sound with their jaw - like a Predator.
- Their shawl is an old Dance Dance Revolution mat, and they're constantly wearing a bluetooth gaming headset that they try to convince you is a tiara.
- They have a life-size tattoo of Shigeru Miyamoto's face - on their face.
- At one point during the date, they will emit a strangled squawk and pass a gashapon capsule through their mouth. Opening the capsule reveals a collectible vinyl figure of their first crush.
- You will return from the toilets to discover them crouched behind a screen, crying because the next Tomb Raider game is an Xbox One exclusive. When you try to comfort them, they will slap your hand away, before trying to gnaw their own head off.
- When you can't decide what to order, they call you a "noob". When they successfully order before you, they inform you that you are "pwned".
- They cast no visible shadow.
- They smell faintly of boiled vinyl and dachshund meat.
- Before each course they will declare "Level Up!", and annoyingly refer to dessert as an "end of level boss".
- While waiting for the bill, they will drop down beneath the table, crawl across the restaurant, pop up near the kitchens, and shout "Re-spawn point!".
- When the time comes to pay for the meal they mumble something about "adding funds" to their "PlayStation wallet".
- Upon emerging from the restaurant, they will step out into the fresh air like they're emerging from a cocoon. Trembling so hard you can barely see them, they will rush back and forth in a profound panic, like they are looking for an exit in a sealed room. As you walk back to your car - resigned to the fact that the date is over - they will have begun rolling around on the floor as if attempting to extinguish an imaginary fire.
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