ARE THESE THE MOST DEPRESSING VINTAGE GAMER PHOTOS EVER?

5/7/2017

Do you remember the thrill of playing games when you were a kid? Do you? Or can you not remember that far back, because all the stress and hell you've endured since is getting in the way?

Here's a gallery of gamer children from the 70s and 80s enjoying games before that whole adult thing kicks in.

It might just be the most harrowing thing you ever see.

THIS BOY WOULD BE IN HIS 40s BY NOW. IMAGINE ALL THE DISAPPOINTMENTS HE MUST HAVE SUFFERED IN THE YEARS SINCE THIS PHOTO WAS TAKEN. IMAGINE ALL THE BAD CHOICES HE'S MADE. ALL THE GRIEF.

THAT'S ASSUMING HE'S STILL AROUND OF COURSE. LET'S BE REALISTIC; HE DIDN'T LOOK IN THE BEST HEALTH EVEN THEN...

THIS LAD HAD HIS OWN ARCADE CABINET. HE WAS A VERY LUCKY BOY. UNFORTUNATELY, WHOMEVER BUILT THAT CABINET WAS SETTING HIM UP WITH UNREALISTICALLY HIGH EXPECTATIONS FROM LIFE.

ADULTHOOD ISN'T ALL ARCADE CABINETS IN YOUR LIVING ROOM AND PEOPLE DOING NICE THINGS FOR YOU, SEE.

NO. IT'S ACTUALLY JUST A LOAD OF OLD SHIT.

KEEP STARING AT THAT SCREEN FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN, BOYS; A FEW MORE YEARS AND YOUR LIFE WILL BE ONE LONG STRUGGLE. YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO WAIT FOR IT TO BE OVER SO THAT YOU CAN REST!

THERE'S NO GUARANTEE THAT THERE ARE SUPER NINTENDOS IN HEAVEN - BUT AT LEAST THERE WON'T BE UNREALISTIC SOCIAL IDEALS OF BODILY PERFECTION, GLOBAL RECESSIONS AND BROKEN PLUMBING (WHICH IT'S UP TO YOU TO GET FIXED) EITHER!

SUCH AN INNOCENT YOUNG CHAP, OBLIVIOUS TO THE SORT OF DAY-TO-DAY GRIND HIS PARENTS MUST ENDURE IN ORDER TO PAY FOR HIS NES.

THE EXACT SAME SORT OF STRUGGLE, IN FACT, THAT IS JUST A DECADE OR TWO AWAY FOR HIM TOO...

IMAGINE THIS POOR THING TRYING TO COPE WITH CREDIT CARD DEBT, OR OFFICE POLITICS, OR NAVIGATING THE EMOTIONAL MINEFIELD THAT IS A RELATIONSHIP...

A BOY, AN NES, AND A BARE ROOM. THE ONLY THING MORE BLEAK THAN THIS PHOTO IS THE ENTIRETY OF THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

:-(

THIS KID ISN'T EVEN LOOKING AT THE SCREEN.

REASON? HE'S JUST BEEN TOLD ABOUT MORTGAGES, DINNER PARTIES, AND THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF PARENTHOOD.

HE'S BEEN SAT LIKE THAT FOR OVER AN HOUR.

AS FORCED AS THAT SMILE APPEARS, IT'S STILL A SMILE, AND UTTERLY HEARTBREAKING WHEN YOU CONSIDER HOW OBLIVIOUS SHE MUST BE TO THE SEARING MONOTONY OF THE 9-5 TREADMILL, AND SQUEEZING IN SOME SORT OF TIME FOR HERSELF BETWEEN THE DEMANDS OF AN EMPLOYER AND HER FAMILY.

EXHAUSTION? SHE'LL NEVER HAVE TIME FOR SUCH SELF-INDULGENCE!

LET'S ASSUME THIS KID IS STILL ALIVE. HE'S PROBABLY IN HIS 50s. EVEN IF HE WORKS OUT AND EATS HEALTHILY, HE'S NO DOUBT TIRED AND ACHEY THE ENTIRE TIME.

HE HAS STRUGGLED TO HANG ONTO HIS YOUTHFUL PHYSIQUE. HE MIGHT BE EXPERIENCING THE FIRST SIGNS OF HEART DISEASE, AND HIS IMMUNE SYSTEM IS WEAKENING, MAKING HIM MORE SUSCEPTIBLE TO ILLNESS.

SORRY, BOY - IT'S HARSH, BUT THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT GOES FOR ALL OF US.

ANOTHER 30 YEARS AND HE'LL BE TURNING THAT GUN ON HIMSELF.

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
GRANGE HILL: THE MOST DEPRESSING GAME EVER
GETTING OLD AS A GAMER MEANS YOU SEE THE STRINGS - BY MR BIFFO
EVERYTHING I KNEW ABOUT GRAPHIC DESIGN I LEARNED FROM ULTIMATE PLAY THE GAME
THE ART THAT INSPIRED NO-MAN'S SKY

37 Comments

Snids

5/7/2017 03:29:51 pm

You ok hun?
Message me.

RichardM

5/7/2017 03:44:08 pm

A refreshing (bleak and horrifying) return to the picture based article format.

Bet that kid with the plywood arcade machine took it apart after he got his picture in Nintendo Power, it would be shit standing up playing Mario 3 for hours.

Hamptonoid

5/7/2017 09:24:39 pm

That was my first thought too. My second d thought was: why has he attached 2 domino's pizza boxes to the front of it?

John Veness

5/7/2017 04:02:39 pm

Oh man...

Dr. Budd Buttocks, MD

5/7/2017 04:48:48 pm

Oh, hello again existential dread. Can't be enjoying those gaming sessions too much without those nagging little thoughts at the back of my mind, oh no.

Treacle

5/7/2017 04:57:19 pm

If any of Biffo's neighbours are reading this, can you keep an eye out and make sure there's not milk bottles building up on his doorstep. He's sounded a bit down in his recent article and I'm worried he may have done something stupid.

ZXGuesser

5/7/2017 05:23:42 pm

someone should check on him periodically anyway in case a pile of old test equipment and worn out tractor air compressors collapses and traps him.

Spiney O'Sullivan

6/7/2017 12:01:34 pm

Suddenly I regret my donation to Found Footage. I don't want to be responsible for Biffo becoming a modern-day Collyer Brothers and ending up found trapped under a pile of Xenoxxx posters and fake bums.

Nick

5/7/2017 04:58:09 pm

Yeah... Thanks for that.

Mr Biffo

5/7/2017 05:10:34 pm

I'm still here!

DEAN

5/7/2017 05:16:26 pm

Pfffft growing old isn't all bad. The best bit is realising that, all along, they were never any different from you. And if you take that to scale then you realise that you're forever young and only playing at being a grown up.
To this day I find the news, politics, sports, weather broadcasts, religion, education, listening to people every bit as fucking tedious as I ever have. I'm the very Peter Pan of ignorance!

Forever young, baby!

Meatballs-me-branch-me-do

5/7/2017 05:43:54 pm

The sister and brother are doing ok - they have a Cobra Mission poster, Cobra Mission being a hentai game...

King of Duckhenrys

5/7/2017 06:54:42 pm

The world is such an awful place, that the revelation about the poster makes me worry that there is something more sinister about that picture.

neck hole

5/7/2017 07:12:00 pm

Right, someone must know what's going on with the toy in the photo captioned simply ':-('. Is that an existing body with the head snapped off and an enamel pin badge shoved in? Are those two sticks in a neck hole or what?

The right honourable doctor No of pisslington north eeeeeast

5/7/2017 07:49:41 pm

I thought it was a McDonald's big bird figure from sesame street with a razor blade sticking out the stump where its head used to be.

Perhaps the child belonged to lin foldswood?

Damon link

5/7/2017 07:40:31 pm

I have a trick for not being invited to dinner parties. Be determined to enjoy them. At the expense of others if need be. At a dinner party the expectation is that everyone will suffer through it and hate it equally. Be the one outgoing person who appears to like it. Everyone will resent you and you won't be invited anymore.

Screaming Lord Arse Burger the third earl of gray

5/7/2017 07:44:12 pm

Thanks a lot life's crap enough as it is. At least they got photos of their youth my mummy never took pictures of my playing games and now days all the images of todays children will be lost to the cloud, buggered HDDs and unsupported formats.

Dunc

5/7/2017 08:23:10 pm

I've now got images of someone at rock bottom, finally building up the resolve to end it all. They grasp around for the gun aim it at their head, pull the trigger and... nothing. They then realise they picked up a nes light gun. They collapse to the ground weeping unable even to get suicide right.... Then the duck hunt dog pops up and laughs at them. Happy Wednesday everyone!

Jaywalker79

6/7/2017 12:10:08 am

Not cool Biffo...
Not cool.

patters

6/7/2017 07:38:33 am

Am I the only one that wants Mr. Biffo to do a video version of this with a voice track a bit like Peter Serafinowicz's Markets of Britain by Lee Titt. Would fit the bit about the boy's now weakening immune system :)

Paulvw

6/7/2017 07:57:33 am

Don't worry, watching a bit of CITV will cheer them up....

...oh right....

Voodoo76

6/7/2017 09:00:44 am

Haha brilliant this amused me no end, but also alarmingly accurate to my own life!! I do have a plan though, chuck work in and live the luxurious life of a benefit cheat. Oh the hours i'd then have to play zelda botw, instead of 1hr every weekend when the kids are in the garden. Speaking of benefit cheats, why do they all have bad teeth when they get free healthcare?

6/7/2017 11:55:20 am

I would imagine that that says more about NHS dentists and a government that cares less about these people than it does those that cheat their company pension schemes.
Lovely sets of gnashers on them vagina dentatas. All the better to eat you with!

But I don't agree with your oral hygiene comment. I think people that are addicted to heroin tend to have poor teeth.

Biscuits

6/7/2017 12:51:12 pm

That's true, cuz they love sugar. I work at a place where I occasionally meet heroin 'fans' and they are big into sherbet dabs, slushies, those rancid 35p energy drinks etc. I think they are not mad keen on solids

6/7/2017 01:19:26 pm

I think having a dry mouth is a side effect, too. Perfect breeding ground for bacteria and yeah, sweet drinks will strip the fuck out of the enamel.

I hate energy drinks. When they're anything more than cold as ice, they taste like blood. And when they're cold as ice they taste like very little to write home about.

Okay, Biscuits, favourite soft drink?
Mine's 7up FREE or Sprite Zero.... Two drinks that gain absolutely fuck all by adding sugar; the full sugar versions really don't taste as nice!

6/7/2017 03:08:28 pm

I only have one soft drink a week these days, and I savour it like the life-giving nectar it is.

Warning: I've lived in London for 6 years now so my list of favourite soft drinks is as pretentious and wanky as you would imagine from such a disclaimer.

However, if we're talking from any newsagent, Cherry Coke is top of the list, failing that Cherry 7-Up. In the sun I like Orangina or Sunkist. I quite like Lilt but I'm allergic to something in it and it makes my tongue swell up. My mate reckons it's because pineapple eats away at protein, and there's pockets of protein in the mouth, so it eats those, leaving craters that feel weird and spongy...this is apparently a well-known trait of pineapple. But there can't be that much pineapple in Lilt can there?

On the frou-frou side are Fentimans Cherry Cola, Square Root ginger beer, and the ludicrously pompous 'La Mortaucienne' 'Grenade' (pomegranite) lemonade.

This may lead you to believe I am rich and have money to throw away on artisanal sodas. I'm not and don't! I'm just terrible with money due to shiny/sweet things

Dr Jol

6/7/2017 04:22:36 pm

Pineapples is the only fruit to contain bromelain, which is a really useful anti-inflammatory, particularly post-surgery. It may be an allergic reaction it, or it could be that both pineapples and grapefruits are highly acidic (as far as fruit goes).

True Fact: bromelain is also known as ananus. So you're probably best to avoid Lilt anyway, as nobody wants ananus dribbling down their throat.

6/7/2017 05:14:02 pm

Have you tried Rio? It's lovely! (I should be working in marketing)

When I first had it, I thought it was probably quite good for you. It's lightly sparkling and contains actual fruit juice from actual fruit! Anyway, I compared it to Coca-Cola one day (what a rollercoaster ride that day was!) and there's more sugar in it than there is in Coke!

Dr Jol - Dr LOL, more like!

6/7/2017 06:41:11 pm

Haha I dunno if containing actual fruit juice is good, Opal Fruits have real juice too don't they? Even so, heartbreakingly, juice is apparently no good due to being filled with sugar... it was a sad day when I found out a glass of 'Innocent' smoothie has as much sugar as a glass and a quarter of coke, or something. My vitamin intake plummeted.

Cor Rio! That takes me back. It's good stuff but I haven't seen it in about 2 decades. I was tricked into buying Kia once thinking it would be similar. My advice is to never, ever buy Kia if you're thirsty, it has the taste and consistency of jelly prior to setting.

I used to bloody love the hugely unnatural Vimto too. No real fruit or green tea or whatever in there! I don't even know what the flavour is meant to be. It exists by itself, a product purely of science.

Dr Jol - Maybe I'm allergic to them. My mum's allergic to kiwis. Does it work like that?

6/7/2017 07:58:33 pm

Biscuits, I know what you mean. I used to drink a lot more smoothies before some health show pointed out that you wouldn't sit down and eat like 7 oranges in one sitting. Fair point, I thought.

So my sugar consumption has dropped massively, but I do now have rickets and deathly pallor, so it's swings and roundabouts.

6/7/2017 09:39:46 pm

Oh dear! I only got scurvy. Is the name 'Spiney' derived from one of your many ailments?

I just drank a milk bottle full of orange juice they were selling in the shop for some reason. I couldn't resist with this filthy humidity and having discussed juice all day

6/7/2017 11:36:05 pm

Biscuits - it does work like that (sometimes). Kiwi / pineapple allergies are linked, although I think that's more the gut bursting side of things rather than oral apocalypse you describe. But hey I'm not a real doctor so who knows?

7/7/2017 11:48:08 am

I too am allergic to kiwi's (the fruit not the people) which is probably why my wife keeps buying them.
On the drink note, Purdeys is good shit.

Jareth Smith

6/7/2017 02:07:08 pm

I can dig this existential dismay. I remember waking my parents at about 7am Christmas day '94 so I could finally get my hands on DKC on the SNES. Totally worth getting them up after slogging away all year.

Anyway, I don't want kids so I'm spared all of that guff.

Penyrolewen

6/7/2017 11:05:30 pm

Jareth Smith- 7am? SEVEN AM? And you 'got them up' on Christmas at that hour? Man, you were a good kid. I haven't slept that late (apart from when I go away from the family of course) since my first child was born. He's 8 now. 6 o'clock is a lie in, I shit you not, and that's every day, not Christmas. Oh, and yes they go to bed at a fair hour (9 o'clock tonight). Why don't they sleep? WHY?

7/7/2017 11:11:05 am

I get up at 5am every day, waking up early is no issue for me. I like it. Evidently I was a decent kid, then! Good for me. I was pretty well behaved. Maybe be a bit more forthright with them - "if you have a lie in until 10am, you will get a bucket of ice cream with donut topping". Might work.

7/7/2017 11:50:17 am

I feel your pain brother..................................I..................................feel.............................................................................your...........................................pain.

ARE THESE THE MOST DEPRESSING VINTAGE GAMER PHOTOS EVER?

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