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ARE THESE THE MOST AWKWARD YUGOSLAVIAN COMPUTER MAgAZINE COVERS EVER?

30/8/2017

23 Comments

 
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Yugoslavia doesn't exist anymore of course. And I should know: my other half was born there, for some weird reason.

​We went to what is now Croatia earlier this month to visit her family, who, as you might expect, are a bunch of toothless, chattering, Cro-Magnons who live in an upturned water butt and worship a plough. At night they try to grab the stars out of the sky, thinking they are the fruit of a magical tree, and their diet consists mostly of seawater mixed with wine, olive oil and squid ink.

Not really: they're just normal of course, even though the nearest McDonald's was 200 miles away, and Croatia and its people are far nicer than anything the UK has to offer.

​Also, the country has the widest array of Tuc biscuits seen anywhere in the world; roast chicken flavour, bbq flavour, sweet chilli flavour - heck, they even had Milka bars with Tuc biscuits embedded in them. And to think: you had Croatians pegged as a backwards, regressive species. You utter racists.

Still, it's probably just as well Yugoslavia is gone, really, if the casual sexism on the covers of the country's pre-war computer magazines are anything to go by. Here are eleven of them.
WHY SO SERIOUS?
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Those are some long legs, but more in a creepy way than a sexy way; you know like a human torso grafted onto a couple of your nanny's draft excluders.

I think she's meant to be looking seductive, but if anybody entered their office and found this tableaux before them their natural instinct would be to run away or jump out of a window. It's the combination of wild hair and that glare which does it, I think. And maybe the way she's subtly stroking the back of a draft excluder with her index finger. There's some sort of implied threat in it.

"I'll exclude YOUR draft!"

"I'm sorry?"
TAKING THE DOGS FOR A WALK
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This posh lady is taking her computers for a walk. You know: as if they're dogs. That's how rich she is; all her money has made her mentally ill. Still, for a million quid a little touch of the old Paradise Syndrome is a risk I'd certainly be prepared to take.

But look: she only has two leads, so that big black tower unit could run away at any second and start rubbing rudies with an ATM. Also, I hope she's going to clear up after her computers.

What sort of waste do computers produce? Megapooopoooo110110101010101010101poooo!
WHAT'S THAT THING HANGING FROM HER HEAD?
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My guess is it's an umbilical cord, and she's fresh out of the clone vats. Also: what's with the chin strap? Probably to keep her mouth closed, so she doesn't keep gaping at all the wonders of the living world.
A NEW ARRIVAL
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She's saying to the little computer: "My child, for you I have given birth to a new sibling: in fact, I'm giving birth to it RIGHT NOW... nnng-nnnnnnnngggg-nggg!"
THE WORLD'S LIGHTEST COMPUTER
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That's quite the party trick you've got going on there. You have to wonder how long they made her stand like that. With or without a computer pretend-balanced in your palm, that can't have been comfortable. God knows I find it difficult enough to stand upright on two legs these days. But, well, you probably don't need to know about that.
BALANCE IT IN YOUR LAP
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She's got her hand up there as if the designer was meant to place a computer into it, but they clearly had some sort of breakdown and placed the ZX Spectrum awkwardly on her abdomen instead. Also: high heels? On a motorbike?!? In a corn field!?!? Backwards?!?!
THAT'S A BIG ONE
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Or is she just really small? And how painful must it be to be perched atop those struts like that? No wonder she's going "Oooooooo-ooooffff-ffff".

​
Yes: one of them has gone right up her bumhole!
THE TINIEST DOC
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Talking of small... here's the former Yugoslavia's tiniest doctor - Doctor Tomko Thumbovic. He's about to listen to the fartbeat of Yugoslavia's famous 50ft woman, Gigantavic. I don't rate the doc's chances if she does a blow-off!!!!!!
UH...
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Well, this is all kinds of sinister, but you have to admire the art direction at least; the red skirting board, chair, blindfold and wrist ties really help to bring the whole thing together. This is a kidnapper who at least has some concept of colour coordination, and for that he must be applauded.
BEND YOUR LEG BACK... MORE... MORE!
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You might think that Yugoslavia's answer to Bonnie Tyler is double-jointed, but the way she's gripping her ankle suggests otherwise. Also, that left hand is pushing down on her lap as a way to displace the evident pain she's suffering as a result of the damage this unnatural pose is doing to her joints.
THE GHOST (MAN) IN THE MACHINE.
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Look: the nude dead dude has slithered out of the computer so that he can play with the giant abacus - and has died - while some sort of sci-fi dominatrix/Ascot Ladies' Day visitor pouts impassively behind him. Can anybody think of a better way to convey the unstoppable power of technological progress?
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23 Comments
Keith
30/8/2017 10:42:44 am

The third one down is too close to my actual taste for me to be ironic about this list.
The pin up girl with the giant keyboard; also good.

Man, I'm terrible.

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Mr Fatty
30/8/2017 11:28:40 am

So you like girls with umbilical cords draped over their hheads do you Keith?

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Spiney O'Sullivan
30/8/2017 12:25:02 pm

What I've learned here is that late 80s Yugoslavian computer magazine covers informed what most UK tech magazine covers would look like in the mid-to-late 90s.

But with more clothing.

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Frank Chickens
30/8/2017 01:32:52 pm

I see you go to flashbak.com as well, Mr.Biffo.

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Omniroi
30/8/2017 01:39:26 pm

I don't understand what the problem is here. These covers accurately depict my computing experiences during the 80s and early 90s. Wasn't it like that for everyone?

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Neptunium
30/8/2017 01:52:31 pm

Yes, I frequently stripped down to my undercrackers and took my 286 out for walkies every night. I still clad myself in shiny black PVC every time I play Tetris as well - I find it gives me special sexual Tetris powers.

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Geebs
30/8/2017 02:44:23 pm

The most tragic pairing in Sexual Tetris is the "L" and the backwards "L". They look as if they should be perfect together but never seem to be able to fit in a mutually satisfying fashion.

Neptunium
30/8/2017 01:56:06 pm

"Croatia and its people are far nicer than anything the UK has to offer"

I do hope you're being irreverent rather than cynical, Biffster. There's a lot wrong with Blighty, but there's also a lot that's great.

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Scott C
30/8/2017 03:29:54 pm

Indeed, the country has been destroyed by bloody foreigners *goes off to "read" the Daily Mail*

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Mr Biffo
31/8/2017 07:06:34 am

I'm always irreverent. Except when I'm not.

Mrtankthreat
30/8/2017 02:03:58 pm

I never had a nanny when I was young as my grandparents were all dead before I was born but my cousin's nanny had a draft excluder which I thought was called a giraffe excluder. I though it must have been named after a giraffe somehow so I figured it was probably based on the giraffe neck and all the other body parts had been excluded, or something.

Similarly I was asked once if I wanted to play draughts which I misheard as giraffes and I imagined a ring toss game where you had to get you rings over the neck of a giraffe as there had already been a similar type of game involving an elephant's trunk.

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colincidence link
30/8/2017 08:14:31 pm

Giraffe neck demonstrated by the model on Issue 53

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Chris Dyson
30/8/2017 02:09:13 pm

What low esteem computer magazine held its readers in back in the day. Anyway, I must go off and masturbate for a while. Blobby blobby blobby.

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Roy (Stuart N Hardy fan)
30/8/2017 02:19:21 pm

I love Tuc.
One of the few savoury biscuits that hasn't changed since my childhood.
I'm mainly looking in your direction Ritz.

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Riqis0
30/8/2017 05:42:05 pm

It did bring back memories of home computing weekly from 1983. With Linda Lusardi on the cover of issue 25 being a great example.
http://www.acornelectron.co.uk/mags/hcw/top_lvl.html

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Lewis Packwood link
30/8/2017 09:08:11 pm

This rings a bell! I interviewed the editor of Računari u vašoj kući for Eurogamer a while back, not sure if it's the same magazine. The story of how Yugoslavia developed its own home brew computer is fascinating - check it out out http://www.eurogamer.net/articles/2013-07-30-the-story-of-yugoslavias-diy-computer-revolution

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MrDrinks
30/8/2017 09:14:18 pm

These look strangely close to the design PC Format went for just as the contents of the magazine really started to go down the pan. What was once a great read became too much of a mortifying experience to buy in WH Smiths so I just didn't bother anymore. I have no idea how it managed to stay in print until 2012.

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Spiney O'Sullivan
31/8/2017 12:24:16 am

There was a weird point in the 90s where a few of the games magazines began to think they were lads' mags. Official PlayStation Magazine (Future?) was a particularly bad case, often accompanying articles with pictures of some unrelated model with speech bubbles over her head, while Official Saturn Magazine (emap) filled its back pages with innuendo-packed "features" on female games characters.

At least Official Nintendo Magazine was clearly sure it writing for an audience who wasn't yet old enough to care about that sort of thing. Sadly it was garbage for other reasons.

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FEoD
31/8/2017 06:29:44 am

"These look strangely close to the design PC Format went for just as the contents of the magazine really started to go down the pan. What was once a great read became too much of a mortifying experience to buy in WH Smiths so I just didn't bother anymore. I have no idea how it managed to stay in print until 2012."
^
This was exactly my thought when I saw the article. Except for the bit about it still being around till 2012 as I'd long since switched to buying PC Gamer instead out of embarrassment.

Although there was that one cover with the redhead in her white slip that I kept "to hand" for a long time afterwards...

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John
31/8/2017 07:46:42 am

Seems to me that 'Yugoslavia's answer to Bonnie Tyler' is in fact Yugoslavia's answer to Jennifer Lawrence.

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Waffle
31/8/2017 02:13:48 pm

They do those Tuc/Milka bars in Farmfoods and they're lovely.

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Ovaltine Man 664
31/8/2017 11:54:40 pm

They were knocking out the bbq Croatian TUC crackers in our local pound stretcher for 10p a pack! Yes they're ace!!!
I found em a bit thinner than UK TUC (not the Kodi add on!!!) more like a crisp than a cracker! Yummy!!

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Nikolay Yeriomin link
2/9/2017 09:48:01 pm

Wow. It's as if computer magazine had a cover from Maxim in order for people to think you're interested in naked girls, while you actually read about Norton Antivirus.

As for Tuc - in Ukraine we have quite a few flavors and a Milka bar with little embedded Tucs is also there. I've tried it and it is quite good if you're into weird taste combinations.

Reply



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