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GAMES OF MY YEARS: ASTRO WARS by Mr Biffo

31/12/2015

21 Comments

 
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Have you been to Teddington?

As a youth, the words "We are going to Teddington" would instil in me the sort of enthusiastic response one typically reserves for a colonoscopy, or being locked in a room with four Ainsley Harriotts all competing for the same job.

When told that we were going to Teddington, I knew that what lay ahead would be a series of seemingly endless, tooth-grinding hours, spent at the house of my dad's cousin and her family, as I slowly suffocated in a sea of vapid adult conversation. 

Those evenings would feel like they stretched on for weeks. And those weeks would become months, and those months would become years, and yet - while my spirit perished beneath the weight of the blather - I would never die. I was cursed to experience every painful second as they continued their glacial crawl towards infinity, soundtracked by the idle drone about wallpaper, and petrol prices, and football.

​This being the years before smartphones, Kindles, or even Game Boys, I'd just sit there, an afterthought in the corner, praying for a plastic bag to thumb down my oesophagus.

​One time I was given a Matchbox roadroller to play with. I must've been ten or eleven years old; I defy any ten year-old to get four-to-six hours play out of a toy car without wanting to bludgeon themselves to death with it.


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2015: THE YEAR I REALISED by Mr Biffo

31/12/2015

15 Comments

 
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In terms of the broader picture of gaming, there's not much to say about 2015 that won't already have been said in countless other gaming retrospectives.

Read those and you'll hear about big budget flops such as The Order: 1886, disappointing performances from online-only shooters such as Evolve, Konami doing its best to destroy the goodwill of its customer base, the sad passing of Nintendo's Satoru Iwata, and - if they're chronically off-message - the disappointing waft of nothing that was Halo 5.

You might also hear less miserable news about a Final Fantasy VII remake, Shenmue 3, the well-received relaunch of Destiny, and the approaching rumble of a 2016 Virtual Reality bandwagon.

Narrow the focus to my own POV, and I had a bit of an awakening in 2015. It was my first full year writing about games in a very long time, and I engaged with the games industry in the way I hadn't for the best part of a decade. What had changed about the industry in the time I was away? Oddly... not a lot. Me, on the other hand... me change much-much.


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13 BAFFLING HAPPY NEW YEAR CARDS

30/12/2015

4 Comments

 
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So that was that then. 2015. All done and dusted, bar the shouting. What are your plans for the New Year? Are you going to ride The Horror Horse to Funkytown like last year? Or just stay home and get drunk?

Alternatively, you could simply hide in a wardrobe, and send one of these peculiar vintage New Year greetings cards to your friends, loved ones, and optometrists.


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HOT TOPIC: YOUR FAVOURITE DIGITISER MEMORIES

28/12/2015

10 Comments

 
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Following the apparently lewd success of this site's recent Digitiser retrospective, we bring to you the first Digitiser Hot Topic in nearly 13 years.

Appropriately, it is a Hot Topic all about this one thing: your memories of Digitiser itself.

Due to the transitory nature of the teletext medium, much of Digitiser has been lost to the silvery wisps of time. We rely upon our memories to preserve it. Thanking to everyone who took the time to send something in. And now? And now click onwards to absorb these memories into your hearts and thighs.


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2015 ROUND-UP: THE ANNUAL ONE

23/12/2015

16 Comments

 
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And thus, we come to the end of Digitiser2000's first full year. And what a splendid year it has been.

Given that none of this was planned, and it was a case of me very much figuring it out as I went along... I think we got there in the end; it's not quite a continuation of the original Digitiser, but something a bit more personal, I suppose. But just as silly.

We've certainly ended on a high, selling out of our Digitiser t-shirts. We also had our biggest ever month in December, and there was a brilliant response to the Games of My Years series - as a result of the reception, a much expanded version of the Digitiser story is being planned for release as a book sometime in 2016.

​Thanks to everyone who has supported us through Paypal, or Patreon, or just by being really nice. It's all appreciated. And - of course - you can still support us in the usual ways.

Exhaustion and Christmas means that we've not quite gotten around to finishing the new version of the Man's Daddy's Joke Book - but it's on the way.

Next week we'll be running some of your Digitiser memories - thanks to everyone who wrote in - but in the meantime... if there is any doubt that Digitiser 2000 is your favourite gaming/nonsense website... cast your view-holes over this massive list, of just some of our most popular features, articles and videos from the last 12 months. There's more than enough here to carry you through the festive weekend; imagine it's a massive selection box of gaudy chocolates... but for your eyes.

Have the most Merry Christmas imaginable, you lovely people.


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THE DIGITISER 2000 CHRISTMAS PANT-OH: Chanderella

23/12/2015

12 Comments

 
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Festive salutations! I am K-Max: the Christmas rascal.

As is tradition at this time of year, children throughout the world have retreated into their bakelite cocoons, awaiting my arrival with a mixture of consternation and conjecture. Upon my arrival, I will make some snow come out of my mouth, a bit of mistletoe emerge from my smelly navel, and a date slide out of my anti-bottom ("October 12th" - the day you were born).

Today I present to thee (you) the following: a seasonal Christmas vignette entitled Chanderella. It's behind you! What is? Your conviction for dogging and fit-ups.


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BAMBOOZLE – THE ULTIMATE PLAYER GUIDE/FAQ V1.0 by Dan Farrimond

22/12/2015

10 Comments

 
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Hello! This introduction bit is by me - the pseudonymous Mr Biffo, Laird of The Dance.

I don't remember a whole lot about Bamboozle, the Teletext quiz. Chiefly, I remember it was written by a friend of mine, Julian Edwards, who I'd worked with in one of my previous jobs at Ladbrokes Racing. Julian was, for a time, my boss - we were a two-man department running the company's Oracle/teletext betting service.

Inevitably, his patience was tested on several occasions. Out of sheer boredom, I once changed all the names of the runners in a race to ridiculous things - "Lovely Jobby" being one of them - and stated that the going was "firm to wobbly". He noticed just seconds before the page was due to be sent to air. Somehow, we remained friends after I left Ladbrokes, and when I came to work at Teletext I recommended him for a job. 

I only have vague memories of the creation of Bamboozle. I just about recall its original creator - not a Teletext employee - who received a payment from the company, so that they could develop his quiz idea. As far as I know, Julian created the character of Bamber Boozler, but I don't recall whether the name of the quiz was already in place when he came aboard.

Julian sat opposite the Digitiser team - for him, a curse more than a blessing, frankly - and it was easy for him to call across the partition and ask me to design a new character. 

I'd forgotten all about Mr Visual until I read this piece - but it brought back memories; I remember laughing, thinking it was a peculiarly Digitiser-esque name. 

And that's about all I do remember about Bamboozle. It's an important part of the Teletext story - perhaps even more loved than Digitiser seems to be (certainly, Digi has never been name-checked by Peter Kay) - and so, after the success of Games of My Years, I thought it might be nice to have something about it on here, written by somebody who remembers it better than me: one of the UK's foremost Teletext experts, Mr Dan Farrimond.

​Here he comes now!


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THE APP TREE: BEST CHRISTMAS APPS introduced by Mr T

22/12/2015

3 Comments

 
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Hello, children. I'm Mr T, the TV toughie with a heart of gold. I don't even want to go on planes. If you're anything like me, you're no doubt looking forward to the festive season - but anxious about the amount of refuse you'll be throwing out.

We all know how an overflowing bin can attract the local tamperers, so around this time of year, I prefer to bring my bins into the living room, where I can keep an especially close eye on them. Yes, it might whiff a bit when you have the family round, but it's the only idiot-proof method of keeping them safe. 

Why not take your mind off the stink with these festive apps for your phones? But please... if you must USE these APPS, I would APPRECIATE it if you DIDN'T use THEM anywhere near MY bins. And I beg of you: no planes today. 


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THE FORCE AWOKE by Mr Biffo

21/12/2015

40 Comments

 
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Even though it has never happened before, releasing a new Star Wars movie in December seems to me like the most natural thing in the world; even more natural than frogspawn, or a frond ('Frogspawn and The Frond' sounds like a 1970s American buddy movie... I can almost hear the theme music).

You see, Star Wars: The Force Awakens is an unlikely mash-up of three things I sort of love - Star Wars, Christmas, and Disney.

Alright, Star Wars hasn't always been kind to us - indeed, the prequels were like watching a loved one slowly be seduced and brainwashed by a weird cult. Fortunately, I had just enough latent love for the Original Trilogy that it carried me through the mire, but it has been touch and go at times. Even for a dyed-in-the-head zealot like me.

​Christmas... well, it's Christmas. Again, hasn't always been kind, but more often than not it's the best bit of the year.

​Anyone who whinges about the commercialisation of it can shove this up their chimneys: I work my backside off for 11 and a half months of the year. Spending an unnecessary fortune on presents and food is my reward, especially when the days are short and dark and depressing. I'm going to spend my Christmas day rolling around on a big pile of receipts, while spooning cranberry sauce and chocolates into my gob.


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REVIEW: THE BEGINNER'S GUIDE (PC/Mac)

18/12/2015

8 Comments

 
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I'm a bit late in getting around to reviewing The Beginner's Guide.

​I've wanted to rub myself all over it since it was released back in October. Unfortunately, my Mac has been limping towards the cuss-bin all year; playing anything from Steam caused it grind to a halt, and start hissing at me like a defenestrated opossum.

​Fortunately/unfortunately my Mac coughed its last air biscuit this week, and I had to fork out the usual thigh-watering amount of money to get a new one. You know: otherwise I wouldn't be able to do my work.

The first thing I did to make myself feel slightly better? Download The Beginner's Guide. And did it make me feel better? Yes. And it also made me feel real awful about myself.


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15 AWFUL CHRISTMAS ALBUM COVERS

18/12/2015

8 Comments

 
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Can you smell that? It can only mean one thing: Ba-Nar-Vel-Oo (Christmas) is almost upon us, preparing to tear the flesh from our backs with its peppermint talons, and cheeky mouth.

Of course, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the Christmas things, and foremost among the things is the brown sauce - where would we be during Christmas lunch without lashings of brown sauce? This sauce is followed closely in the pantheon of the Christmas things by the Christmas music. 

Whether it's the intangible shrieks of Boney M, or the alarming balladry of Boney F, we all have our favourites.​ Here are 15 more  Christmas records that you may wish to add to your collection.


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REVIEW: RAINBOW SIX SIEGE (PS4, Xbox One, PC)

17/12/2015

9 Comments

 
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Rainbow Six Siege is a lot of things, probably, but first and foremost it is this thing: a tactical first-person shoot 'em up, in which teams of players must work together to infiltrate bases, rescue hostages, and kill terrorists. Apparently.

It's basically Home Alone: The Game, with you and your friends playing the role of The Wet Bandits. Though, I'm not sure whether you ever get to bung up any plug holes with tissue paper.

Wait - what? Hang on. Did I just say "apparently" and "probably" and "not sure"? Yes. Yes I did say them things. There's a reason for that, and the reason is this reason: Rainbow Six Siege has sat beneath my telly, unwrapped, untouched, and unsullied ever since it arrived, the same day as Just Cause 3. 

That's right, children: I'm going to review a game I haven't even played yet. I'm literally history's greatest maverick!


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THE DIGITISER 2000 'FIND YOUR STAR WARS NAME-O-MATIC'!

15/12/2015

11 Comments

 
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"Star Wars is coming, and the goose is getting fat: please put some money in the billionaire's hat. If you haven't got some money, A picnic egg will do, If you haven't got a picnic egg then God damn you!"

Did you like that rhymin'  whimsy? We didn't. You see, it made us reflect so hard upon the movie business that we burst a blood vessel in our eyes.

Never mind, dear. Like many of you, we've been wondering what name to adopt for the forthcoming release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens. To make things easier for everyone, we've designed this special Digitiser 2000 Star Wars Name-O-Matic. It couldn't be simpler, guy! In fact, the only thing easier than doing this is not doing anything at all! Look - here it is:

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FROM THE ARCHIVE:
FIND YOUR GAMERTAG
THE DIGI2000 INDIE GAME TITLE-O-MATIC
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IT'S TIME TO LINE UP FOR STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS!

15/12/2015

3 Comments

 
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You've booked the week off work, and packed your special Star Wars bag full of exciting space things - for there are only a few days left until Episode 7: The Force Awakens is released.

​If you want to stand any chance of getting a seat, you'd better get down to the cinema immediately - the idiots are already lining up outside!

​Hurry! Hurry! Star Wars time! Hurry!


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GAMES OF YOUR YEARS by Super Bad Advice

14/12/2015

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How well do you remember Digitiser? Probably better than we do. It doesn't help that Digitiser has all but disappeared from the universe, or that we've spent most of our lives wrecked off our banjos on "Jesus juice". 

To this end, we'd like to find a way to preserve Digitiser - through the memories of those who read it.

If you have a recollection of something you read on Digitiser, which has stayed with you over the years, we'd love to hear it.

Indeed, so that we may all share in this frothy jamboree, we'll be running a selection of memories over the Christmas period (unless nobody sends any in). Please email us (no more than 500 words) here: digitiser2000@gmail.com

To get you all starting to think, here are some memories from Digitiser reader, and occasional Digitiser2000 contributor, Super Bad Advice.


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