I finally got around to seeing Terminator Dark Fate at the weekend. Now, I loved the first two Terminator movies. Controversially, I even sort of don't hate Terminator 3, which has at least one genuinely great action sequence, and an actual, didn't-see-it-coming, twist (spoiler: the Terminator really hates sausages!).

Salvation was slightly better than its reputation, though Genisys was utterly bizarre, and probably the most miscast movie I've ever seen. But... oddly... I don't hate it either, probably because its many, many, many, faults actually make it kind of interesting, in a messed-up way. You know: like a washing machine that discharges a torrent of ghee whenever you parp a horn.

Nonetheless, not one of the movies since T2 has come close to reaching it in terms of greatness. I love The Terminator, but it's a low-budget, punk-y, kind of a film; more horror movie than sci-fi. T2, by contrast, really ushered in the era of the summer action movie, pushing forwards special effects and action... while somehow having characters and a story with a ton of heart. I'd never seen anything like it, and upon release I watched it three times in the space of a week. 

Dark Fate is... it's... kind of... it feels bland. Like a waste of everyone's time. I didn't want to come away feeling like that, but it's nothing to nobody, and I didn't care. 

Fundamentally, it's just a retread of T2, profoundly inoffensive and unremarkable, but at least it's straightforward, and has a couple of really good performances from Mackenzie Davies and Linda Hamilton.

Even if I do have issues with the way they've continued (or not) Sarah Connor's storyline (SPOILER: they kill John Connor - the character the entire franchise has revolved around - in an audaciously throwaway fashion within the first five minutes - thus wiping the slate clean, and removing Sarah Connor's entire motivation... Instead, she just sort of hangs around, uninvited, with no real agenda). 

But I'm not here to talk about whether or not Dark Fate is a good film. I'm not going to get into the weeds of what it gets right and what it gets wrong.

I want to discuss why it has done so abysmally at the box office, because for some of us, on paper, it should've worked: they told us they were ignoring the sequels that everyone has decided were terrible, they brought back the lead from the first two films, James Cameron was back on board (albeit not in a directing capacity).  

And yet... not enough people were interested. It has flopped massively.

​Why? I've got a theory, and it isn't just to do with it being simply an okay sort of a film.

Biffo and Ashens tuck into some of the most bizarre flavours of crisps (or chips if you're from overseas) from around the world - including eel, menthol, and "Hunter's sausage"...

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Guest review by Super Bad Advice

As the famous tag line from the film Alien says, “In space, no one can hear you scream.” Which is true, but then it’s also true that no one could hear you play a kazoo, alarm an ombudsman with a powerful erotic dance involving maracas, or emit a ‘bronx cheer’ either.
 
Obviously, the wording chosen is supposed to evoke a very specific sensation that space is scary, deadly and full of real weird stuff (so essentially, like the middle aisle in Lidl but with fewer discount patio sets) rather than just lacking the requirements to transmit sound. But is space really that scary? It’s basically just full of nothing, and even the titular alien itself is no worse than things you get in Australia – a continent so heaving with lethal fauna it’s a wonder the koala doesn’t have a handgun for an anus. Yet people still happily go there on holiday!
 
I think the real worry it’s trying to impart is this: fear of being alone.
 
What with its lack of air, heat, a floor, and branches of Costa, space is a bit rubbish to live in and so very, very few people do – and those that do have to exist sealed up in space stations: essentially giant orbiting caravans where you have to eat baby food, Velcro yourself into bed and poo into a special hoover (mercifully, not simultaneously). 
 
Should things go awry, having no one around to turn to for help while you float about trapped in a tin box surrounded by literally buggerall is obviously a bit rubbish and scary, and that’s the premise behind Observation; a creepy puzzle solver spewed out by the excellent folks at Devolver.

Ghosts. Unh! What are they good for? Absolutely nothing! Say it again! 

I've said it once already. You really should've been listening.

Seriously: if ghosts do exist (they do not) why are people even scared of them anyway? What do ghosts even do? They just float around moaning and groaning. Frankly, that's most people on social media, and we're not scared of them. They're just annoying.

Ghosts aren't even scary to look at; they're just like regular people, only more transparent. Again, like many on social media...

Oh, I'm on fire today!!!!!

Furthermore, the most scary thing a ghost might do is, I dunno, move a glass, or open a cupboard door, or something. In my house, if somebody leaves a cupboard door open, it's irritating, not terrifying. Also, while I'm at it, if you finish the toilet paper, is it really that much effort to replace the roll for the next person? The spare rolls - and the bin - are right next to the toilet! Are you in that much of a hurry that you can't take five seconds to switch them over, and bin the empty roll?

It's an important issue that needs to be dealt with, but I admit it's a digression that you probably didn't need to know about. Let's move on. 

Thing is, while ghosts apparently aren't scary in actuality (or even real in actuality), the idea that they're scary is so ingrained in our consciousness - through movies, and books, and games like Luigi's Mansion 3 - that even the most supernaturally sceptic among us can, if the conditions are right, get a bit freaked out by the unexplained.

For example...

I can't be arsed with drama, and last night some of you will be aware that I found myself in the middle of a load of it.

Basically, here's what happened: a couple of days ago, the folk on Yogscast did a live stream in which one of them, Simon, chose to portray that absurd new Digitiser character Beanus. They're a huge network - Digi is dwarfed by their millions of viewers - and I found it flattering.

I sort of wrongly assumed they'd give ample shout-outs to the original source of Beanus. And they kind of did mention me a couple of times in the two-and-a-half-hour stream, albeit in a sort of bare minimum, throwaway fashion, I felt.

Certainly throwaway next to the presence of Simon-dressed-as-Beanus throughout the entire stream, during which his stupid catchphrases and characterisation were used wholesale, including during a moment where he was involved in a nod to their sponsor. Which I'd never have agreed to. 

Regrettably, I'd not been contacted about any of it beforehand. The first I knew is when people on Twitter told me about it. 

Bouphe, a fan of Digi, general good egg, and part of the Yogscast team, kindly posted links back to Digi in the chat, but when the Twitch stream was uploaded - probably automatically - in its entirety to YouTube, there was no link to the Digi YouTube channel or... anything.

It felt... I dunno... kind of unfair? Not least because - judging from comments - a lot of their fans had seemed to have missed the whole "Beanus is the intellectual property of Mr Biffo" comments, and took it as given that he was their character. 

I tweeted at Simon and Yogscast to give us a link and maybe retweet our original video... which Simon did, after Bouphe got involved (though he'd already linked to our new Beanus merch on Redbubble, for which I'm grateful). They've also belatedly added a link to Digi's original video, which I appreciate, albeit with the disclaimer that Simon had just dressed up as the character "For Halloween".

Yet it was the fact that fans were thinking Beanus was theirs which sort of pissed me off. And the more I thought about it, the more pissed off I felt. 

Horace: he's the name on the tip of every retro gamer's tongue these days! But who - or what - was Horace?

Created in 1982 by one William Tang, employee of Aussie software house Beam - the creative arm of publisher Melbourne House - Hungry Horace was something of a short-lived sensation.

Tang's game spawned two sequels, before Horace slithered almost completely off the radar for almost 40 years. Buried beneath layers of sediment, formed by the decaying flesh and bones of better ZX Spectrum characters, Horace is remembered merely as something of a joke - a fundamentally terrible character.

Indeed... possibly the worst games character of all time.

And here is why. 

Just like all the best kids' shows, Digitiser needs pets - and in this ep we treat you to our pet sea monkeys, show you how to raise and look after them - and play a game of wriggly worm charades!

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