Video Games without all the boring bits

PHIL HARRISON - The Man, The Made-Up Quotes

30/11/2014

It can’t be easy being Phil Harrison. He’s one of those games industry figures who, for some reason, gets pounced upon every time he opens his pretty, girlish, mouth.

Indeed, just this past weekend he got a few hairy backs up on Twitter for daring to suggest that the movie Alien hadn’t aged well, and would be improved significantly by a CGI update.

Once upon a time, Phil Harrison was a dyed-in-the-beard Sony man. Kick him in the rectum and he’d have shat out a PlayStation. And then he left Sony, and suddenly ceased to have any further opinions about the PlayStation brand.

For a while, at least.

Eventually – following a few years spent prancing around at Infogrames and some cloud gaming investment company, like a poncing, preening dandy (please note, this latter statement is conjecture, not fact) – he nailed his flaps to Microsoft’s dewy, pink, underbelly, as one of its corporate vice presidents.

Once again, Phil Harrison would have opinions about the PlayStation, except this time Phil Harrison was of the opinion that the Xbox One is, like, waaaay better than the PlayStation 4.

Who can say why?

HISTORY LESSONS

History recalls that, once upon a time, Mr Biffo had a thing with Phil Harrison (no, no - not that sort of thing). Writing for his Edge magazine column, Biffo told of witnessing the somewhat misjudged antics of Phil Harrison at a Marillion convention. Of all things.

As observed first-hand by Biffo, Phil Harrison made a ham-fisted, but well-intentioned, attempt to hijack a charity raffle, in a bid to auction off a PlayStation 3 to the interest of utterly nobody. It was difficult to know who it was more excruciating for – the band, the audience, or Phil Harrison.

ON THE EDGE

Unfortunately, Edge didn’t feel this was a suitable tale to tell within its pages – admittedly, it was more a needlessly spiteful eyewitness account than the usual opinion piece Biffo was paid to deliver. However, Biffo, with the permission of Edge, posted his caustic telling of the tale on his blog. Unfortunately, this was to prove a bad move.

Blog hits soared temporarily to eye-wateringly absurd levels, as the story went global. Ironically, Marillion finally found themselves on the radar of the kind of youngish audience that had eluded them since the 1980s. But it also had the sweaty misfortune of making it look as if a) Edge had pulled the column so as not to upset Sony, and b) Phil Harrison was a complete idiot.

IDIOT?

We don’t know if Phil Harrison is an idiot – we’ve all debased ourselves in front of others at one point or another, and given Phil Harrison's ability to hold down senior positions with two of the largest corporations in the world, it seems unlikely. And that's before we even mention Phil Harrison's excellent taste in music.

Indeed, let’s be really controversial for a moment, and consider that there’s no such thing as “idiots”, just behavior that others might perceive as idiotic. The French eroticist Anais Nin (we know, we know...) once said: "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

If you don't know what that means, go and look it up.

Nonetheless, there is a certain prevailing opinion in the horrible world of online gaming debate, that Phil Harrison is a bit of a plonk-stick. We know how important it is that people have someone to hate or abuse, and far be it for us to deprive anyone of that opportunity.

SILLY QUOTES GRUFF

Indeed, we now present for you a selection of entirely fabricated Phil Harrison non-quotes, which you might like to use as a starting point for a Phil Harrison-related trashing session, or to perk up a flagging flame war.

Just to reiterate one final time: Phil Harrison has never said any of these things. These are just the sort of things that you, and others of your ilk, think Phil Harrison might have said:

"Everyone's saying it wrong. It's pronounced 'Xbox Juan'."

"So I got drunk and threw a dart at a horse. Who hasn't?"

"Pay heed to the words of Harrison: Xbox One is a new pan-paradigm of gaming. We want to en-facilitate the gamer, the consumer, the kids at home, to go on spectacular mind-journeys into new dimensions of trans-interactive next-gentertainment."

"Stop complaining about the Tomb Raider exclusive, babies. Stupid, little babies."

"If Sunset Overdrive isn't the biggest-selling game of the year I'll tattoo a fist onto my scalp and run headfirst at your face."

"Let's face it, I'm at a stage in my career where I should be considered something of an industry legend."

"It doesn't matter how many bits the Xbox One has, because the bits it does have are about one hundred times bigger than whatever size bits used to be in the past."

"Ryse: Son of Rome is literally more historically accurate than a really posh history book. Apart from that bit at the end."

"The Kinect wasn't a failure. It was a massive success. You just perceived it as a failure because you weren't paying proper attention."

"The PlayStation 4 doesn't even exist, except in the minds of Sony fanboys. And as a games console."

"Let's face it - video games are a gimmick."

"We probably have absolutely no intention of releasing the Xbox One without a controller, HDMI connector, or power unit, I would've thought."

"Some nights, I stay up late facilitating conversations between Siri on my iPhone and my Kinect."

"Sony is run by The Illuminati. We used to have meetings in a big pyramid, topped off by a single, giant eye. Instead of cushions, we each sat on a cushion of bovine fat. I ruined so many pairs of trousers..."

6 Comments

C&VGone by Mr Biffo

28/11/2014

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So, farewell then, CVG.

Truth be told, back when we were writing Digitiser, CVG – and its EMAP stablemates – weren’t exactly our closest of friends.

At least, not in print. We had a bit of a war of words across our respective letters pages, that – as with all these things – seems a big silly in hindsight.

Not least because any time we ever met any of its writers at games events things were always very civil, bordering on the genuinely nice. We rather regret once writing a letter to Mean Machines editor Steve Merritt, unnecessarily referring to him as "Biscuit Skin" and "Fishback".

FUNSY

Computer & Video Games was the first games magazine I ever read, and while I may have loved the giddy surrealism of Your Sinclair more, I doubt I'd have become a games journo without it. Its debut issue was billed as 'The first fun computer magazine' - and it was. It was broad, and accessible, and cartoony, but never took itself too seriously. It was a product of its time, when games were still regarded as being for kids.

As the 80s groaned on, as was the way back then, its staff beame the closest the games industry had to celebrities. Their word was gospel. Games lived and died based upon their critique. And they looked like they were having the time of their lives.

I still remember seeing Julian Rignall, in my pre-Digi life, roaming Oxford Street twice on the same day. He was getting money out of a cash machine, before heading to make a personal appearance at some games shop, his flaxen mullet flapping behind him like a hairy head cape. The fact such detail has wedged in my memory says everything about its place on my sorry journey to writing about games for a living.

Admittedly, with Digitiser we tried to eschew any sort of celebrity – coming up with the names Biffo, Hairs, Cheese and Udders to avoid accusations of making ourselves bigger than the games we were writing about. Ironically, that just made people more curious, and the more people got curious, the more we resisted with our Shield of Snark. We acted like we were better than them, but the fact is, if we could've put our photos up on Teletext, we probably would've done the same. Look at us. Love us. We exissssssst.

FRIED EGO

Truth be told, the EMAP boys never really stepped over the line into all-out ego massage (though they came close by, I recall, giving away little statues of themselves). At least, not the way some games journos did. See Cyber-X for a latterday take on what they’re up to now…

CVG hasn't existed as a print magazine for some time, but I still occasionally read its website. I liked that its torch was still burning.

Games didn't become huge because of Computer & Video Games, but the magazine pretty much set the template for all the games writing that came after it.
From forcing writers into the spotlight, to the Golden Joystick Awards, it was a pioneer. And it never failed to live up to that initial pledge: it was fun.

Goodbye, CVG!

6 Comments

GAMING STREET MAGIC - With Dynamo the Street Magician

27/11/2014

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Eeeeeeee! I’m Dynamo, the TV street magician. I’m all urban and stuff now, because some nice man at the telly place made me wear a hoodie, and sometimes a baseball cap, and some trainers... and… and… EEEeeeeeEEEeeeeee! EeeeeEEEEeee! EeeeeEeeeeeeeee! Eee! Ee.

Christmas is coming up fast, like an urban something or other, and if you’re anything like me you probably want to learn some really cool new street magic tricks to perform at the big family party, where you can impress your granddad.

My granddad taught me all the tricks I know. My granddad was literally magic. He lived in a cupboard, and on the days he was too scared to come out I could hear him inside, drinking and singing sea shanties and dragging his knuckles against the doors.

Everyone knows that I love cool things, because I wear this hoodie what some nice man at the telly place told me to put on, but what could be cooler than learning to do magic with your own video games?

Doing magic with your own video games while wearing a hoodie – that’s what! Eeeeeeeeeeee! EEeEeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! EEEEEE!!!

Blimey. That was a big one, granddad.

THE ENIGMATRIX
This trick is guaranteed to blow your family’s minds. They’re going to think you’re so cool and street after this. I’m already getting really excited for you!

Get hold of an old binliner – extra street cred if you steal one off the street tramp who lives outside Debenhams – and put a load of old rubbish inside, and tell everyone at the party that it’s actually full of your video games.

Then set fire to the bag, and start shouting “Oh no! What have I done, granddad?”. Then – when the flames have subsided – go and get your actual games and that off a shelf or whever you keep them, and go, like, “Oh, it’s alright – they’re fine actually”.

Make this trick even cooler and more street by doing some rapping before, during, and afterwards.

MYSTERYMAXIMUS
Gather all your family around to play on your Wii (my granddad used to love the bowling).

While you’re waiting for your turn, as mum and dad try to figure out exactly how it works and bicker over whose turn it is, suddenly drop to your knees and go, like, “Oh my days! I’ve been possessed by the spirit of The Notorious B.I.G.” (pretty street, huh?).

Eeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeee!

Then start rolling around on the floor, dragging your face around the carpet, talking in a really deep, urban sort of voice. Make it really convincing, so your granddad and everyone thinks you’re telling the truth.

Then, when they’re all really freaked out going like “Oh he’s even street when he’s possessed”, jump up and say stuff like “Ha ha! Fooled you! I wasn’t possessed by The Notorious B.F.G. – it was a magic trick!”.

Your granddad is going to love it. Just like my granddad loved it when I pretended to be possessed by Rosie and Jim.

Rosie and Jim,
Rosie and Jim,
Chugging along on the old Ragdoll,
Rosie and Jim,
Rosie and Jim,
And John he steers the boat!

QUACK!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

FANTASIOUS
This is the ultimate trick for the urban street gaming fan. Wait until one of your family members is playing a really cool street-type game like Grand Theft Auto V, which has got ganstas and cool dudes in it.

Then, when your family member has just started a mission, suddenly switch off the console!! Crazy! Street! Urban times! Rap! Street!

While they’re jumping around getting really cross, wondering what you did that for, just stand there looking all serious and street and cool. Wait for things to calm down, and then just gently announce that it’s ok, because the game has an auto-save feature, and providing you haven’t corrupted the hard drive, they’ll be able to resume their game more or less where they left off.

And that’s street magic! Eeeeeee!!!! Look at me, granddad – I’m stuck to the side of a bus!!!!!

Oh no! I need a poo! Granddad! Eeeeeee!

I NEED A POO! GRANDAAAD!!!

2 Comments

PANEL 4: ETHICS, MAN - By Mr Biffo

27/11/2014

5 Comments

Look at that screenshot what I just done. The fourth top search on Google containing the term “games journalism” also includes the word “corruption”. The second biggest search is for “games journalism jobs”. That seems rather telling.

Ethics in games journalism is clearly the hottest of all potatoes in the industry right now. Yeah, alright, we can all argue about the dubious origins of Gamergate, but regardless, it HAS turned into some sort of debate (albeit one seemingly unfocused by rage, indignity and misogyny) about ethics in games journalism.

I find it a bit weird, to be honest. Do music journalists suffer the same degree of scrutiny, when they give the new Katy Perry album 9/10? Or are music journos perceived as being that much more apart than the rest of us, existing as the handmaidens of a gilded, coked-up elite? Are they a more nebulous target?

Is part of the issue here the fact that any one of us could become a games journalist, and some of us are bitter that we're not? Relax, my Chans - that's not me having a go, or judging. Because, you see, we were just as bad.

Or just as human anyway.

COME, PARP OUR HORNS

Far be it for us to parp our horns too hard, but I’m pretty sure Digitiser were among the first people to raise questions about corruption in games journalism.

Bear in mind, Digi was born into a pre-internet age, and written by a team that – through a mixture of self-imposed social isolation, general grumpiness, and never really wanting to buy into some sort of boozy lad culture (though we had our moments) – never particularly felt like part of the games industry. Maybe people were talking down the pub about whether "Jaz" Rignall and Richard Leadbetter were taking backhanders, but I doubt it. It was a different age.

It’s similar to the way that the original Band Aid belonged to a less enlightened era. Now – 30 years on – people are that much more cynical when rich, privileged, pop stars try to save Africa from itself. Everything is questioned, debated, and then - all too often - attacked.

And that's kind of ok - if people are out of touch with themselves, or behaving in ways that appear to be inappropriate or nefarious or patronising, then they should absolutely be pulled up on it (providing it can be done with empathy and consideration, of course). Because, really, nobody wants to be coming across like a dick, and sometimes we don't even realise when we are.

INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING

Back in the Digi days, being apart always allowed us to look in on the industry with a degree of detachment, and what we saw was curious. We would hear tales of exclusives being negotiated over long, beery lunches. We got wind of high review scores being promised in return for early access to (sometimes unfinished) code. Certainly, some of the relationships between journos and the PR people, who just wanted decent coverage for their games, seemed uncomfortably and inappropriately close.

There were people in games PR who we respected and got on well with (usually the ones who were honest when their products were crap), and we admittedly had freebie trips to Germany, Norway and LA.

But, let's be honest, we'd all be up for a free holiday, and there were never as many we’d have liked. Certainly, we were never offered enough to get as jaded by them as some of the journos we met – who’d pout and sulk on trips, without a shred of awareness as to how bloody lucky they were.

THE RENUMERATION GAME

But generally, it never really happened to us in any sort of overt way. Except once. Sort of. A PR guy, with a bit of a nudge and a wink, said - off the back of a positive review - that we should “talk about remuneration”.

We didn’t quite know what he meant, but it was a bit of an awkward moment, and certainly made us think that it was more widespread. If oddballs like us could be offered a backhander, who knows what was going on inside The Boys Club of the wider industry? That was likely the tipping point for us to start talking about it on Digi’s pages.

Of course, we had the benefit of not being beholden to advertisers, beyond iffy 0898 phone lines, offering you the chance to win a cow or chat late into the night with lonely stockbrokers. However, we were rarely deemed important enough for most PR people - too confused by what exactly we were - to really try to build a relationship with us.

On the one hand, it was a nice position to be in - we could take the moral high ground, and more or less do whatever we wanted. On the other hand, nobody really wants to be an outsider, and as we’d hear stories of our peers being flown around the world, it was impossible not to feel a pang of, well, jealousy. The more we felt snubbed, the more we revelled in our outsider status, and the more we harped on about how different and independent and uncorrupt we were.

That’s the reality – hand on heart, Digitiser was corruption-free. But as with anything in life, there but for the grace of God went we.

Would we really have been able to stay as independent, and would our review scores have remained as honest, if we'd really had mates in the industry, who we didn't want to upset? Specifically, big, powerful mates who could threaten to remove advertising on a whim, and put the magazine's very existence in jeopardy? Could we have remained as virtuous if we were fighting other mags for the big stories?

And was there part of us that went on about our independence and integrity simply because we had no choice but to be thus?

Well, y'know, yeah...

THE HOLY GRAIL

Putting aside the way this whole Gamergate/ethics debate originally blew up, it remains a difficult issue, one that - as with everything - is more complex than simply saying that corruption in games journalism exists, when it shouldn't.

Of course it shouldn't. And, actually, it's ok to flag it up when we see it. When it's probably not ok is when it comes from a place of bitterness and resentment because you perceive somebody like you is apparently living the life you think you'd like, or deserve. Is that any less corrupt or unethical as someone who's given a game a good write-up, because they were put in a difficult position?

For many, becoming a games journalist - despite how ill-paid it actually is - can be The Holy Grail. We all play games. So imagine getting to play them all day, and getting paid for it, and getting sent on glamorous trips around the globe! Who wouldn't want that, right? And who, let's be honest, could avoid feeling envious when we see people just like us getting to live that gilded life?

Attention should always be drawn to corruption, whether it exists in games media, politics, or tabloid journalism. But I wonder whether it even matters in games writing anymore? It feels as if, in this age of social media and YouTube videos of shrieking Swedes playing games, that actual reviews, by people who are paid to write those reviews, are becoming less and less relevant.

We're all reviewers now. We're all part of the industry. We've all, potentially, got jobs in games journalism. They just might not be jobs that pay any money, or get us flown around the world.

I feel your pain.

5 Comments

GAME REVIEW: Super Smash Bros. (Wii U)

26/11/2014

1 Comment

GUEST REVIEWER: David Mellor

Don’t tell me what to review, you disgusting, working class oik. I've been in the Cabinet, I'm an award-winning broadcaster, I'm a Queen's Counsel. You think that your experiences are anything compared to mine? Go away and get an education before telling me what to review.

Do you get any of this, my little, green friend? Or do you need me to tell you tomorrow, on the radio, what a sweaty, stupid little shit you are?

You’ve fucking ruined her day.

MELLOR’S RATING: 72%

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FAT SOW - Art Attack

26/11/2014

5 Comments

Well grip my ankles, roll me into a ball, and fling me at a milliner's face. I’m so furious this week that I’m foaming not only at my own mouth, but at the mouths of others also.

Does anyone ever stop to look at videogame box art? No? Well, they really should – because it’s almost always utterly, and irredeemably, abominable. It might be technically accomplished - big deal, Piccasshole: we can all pick up a pen - but the industry still seems to be appealing to profound idiots who wouldn't know what art was if it gave them an electric enema. Where is the game's industry's Nevermind? Or Sergeant Pepper? Or Unknown Pleasures?

Seriously; go and have a look at Amazon’s Top 100 games chart (if you can stomach thinking about how much more tax you probably pay than those responsibility-free slavemasters). Does anything stand out as an actual art done good? Or are they just trying to sell you something with the minimum amount of creativity, because they think you're an ignorant prole?

Let’s have a rundown, and see how hated you are:

Watchdogs
Oh, I get it. Baseball cap... leather trench coat... gun... smartphone... So THIS is what a middle-aged gaming executive thinks a cool hacker guy looks like. Thanks for clearing that up.

And what’s this? You’ve put your generic, boring character against a generic, boring, rain slicked city? Congratulations. You must be very proud of yourself. How ever did you come up with the idea to riff on Blade Runner?

What's next for your midlife crisis? Turning up to work in trainers and a poncho, and starting your own YouTube vlog? I see. Apparently, you already do that, and you have 317 subscribers.

Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare
Here's something nobody has ever seen before: a sweaty, crop-haired, soldier hunk in some sort of dusty, sepia-toned landscape.

This is so generic your mind actually fails to notice the sole interesting element: he’s wearing an exoskeleton.

Sorry - my mistake. That's not remotely interesting. It looks more like he's been to visit some sort of elaborate, goth art jeweller.

The very definition of "That'll do"...

FIFA 15
Basically, the same picture they had on all the previous FIFA boxes.

Pokemon Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire
Confusing, primary-coloured monsters. It's the artistic equivalent of rattling a tin of chickpeas to get the attention of a mewling infant.

Assassin’s Creed Unity
Well just look at that: some olde worlde hoodie men. It's almost like they're worried people won't buy their game if they think it's got an entirely historical basis.

Actual historical people are boring apparently: we must make our characters look more like the sort of men teenage girls fantasise about meeting at bus stops.

God forbid anyone would ever release a game which didn't feature some Cool Hunks. This suggests the game is basically Les Mis meets The Chippendales meets Dapper Laughs.

Is it bad that when I look at the guillotine in the background I imagine it chopping off the top half of their ghastly heads?

Far Cry 4
A man in a shiny pink suit, sitting in a chair, looking like he’s about to pass judgement on someone. If I wanted to see that sort of thing I’d watch Saturday night television.

Super Smash Bros
This one's like some fan art suffered a crippling migraine, and fell out of a window into a skip full of discarded hospital sharps.

The Sims 4
As if you’d just walked into somebody else’s family party, and everyone there is someone you'd like to punch about the throat and mouth.

And they'd probably deserve it.

Football Manager 2015
So. Let's get this straight (so to speak)... You thought this was suitable artwork for your football management simulator did you?

Two excited young men in shorts, looking over at an older gentleman dressed in a suit, who has both fists raised?

Everyone knows that football is the most homoerotic of all the sports, but still...

For once, words fail me...

FAT SOW'S VIEWS DO NOT NECESSARY COINCIDE WITH DIGITISER'S OWN.

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OLD ADVERTS: HERE

25/11/2014

71 Comments

So. You know. Here we all are then with this Digitiser 2000 blog, which seems to be going down like a miniature horse at a Brony-fest. It's genuinely, and sincerely, touching.

Some time back we had a vague, half-lubed, notion of doing something new with the Digitiser characters and name. Basically, we still remember writing Digi with an almost lewd level of fondness, and enjoyed it too much to contemplate never doing a thing with it again. Like a stubborn crab, it has been quite difficult to shake off.

Alas, due to the awful reality of having day jobs, we can't really justify doing - let's say - some sort of ridiculous Digitiser Annual, or whatever, unless we know there is still a big enough audience out there to raise a couple of quid through something like Kickstarter. Whatever that is.

We dunno. We don't expect to return after all this time, and have people laying down palm fronds in our path. We're all too aware that it's a big ask - trying to stoke interest in a 21 year-old video games magazine, which finished over 10 years ago, and appeared on a now defunct medium. Plus, this sort-of-return is still in its infancy. We're not about to start "shilling" our wares, only to suffer the ghastly public humiliation of nobody being interested. At least, not yet. If ever. We'll see.

Leave a comment or let us know via the contact page if it's something you'd be interested in. If not a book - then what? It could be good. It could be smooth. And for the foreseeable future, please rest assured that brand new stuff is going keep appearing here.

Anyhow. Enough of this tentative, undignified, fishing. In the unlikely event that some of you have failed to notice it, there's a very lovely archive of Digitiser pages here: here. Regrettably, there are big chunks missing, but the presence of our favourite ever Pant-Oh - David Belt & The 7 Dwarves - almost makes up for that.

Also: fake adverts (which are all labelled "Not a real advert" as our editors were worried that people might actually go out and attempt to buy a Roaming Thomas). Here be three of them:

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CHIPS & TEATS with Mr Nude

25/11/2014

1 Comment

It isn’t every day one gets to push between a set of imposing bamboo gates to be confronted with a nude Shangri-La, but that’s precisely the opportunity which befalls you now.

Come, witness the defrocked delights of my Nude Village, formerly Bellend’s Caravan Park in the ineffable seaside hamlet of Peans. Why not peel off your Cubans, and extract yourself from those soil-slicked overalls? As you approach the reception hall, our residents will step out from behind their gazebos to greet you with a lively, adenoidal grunt of acknowledgement, and several involuntarily jerks of their hips.

I now invite you to splay confidently astride our communal picnic trough. Nobody will judge your holes, and we have a wide selection of pre-peeled, all-nude, fruits for you to sample; kindly place your hands behind your back, bend slowly from the waist, and bury your face in the soft, moist harvest.

As soon you shall realise, the residents here at Nude Village have seen it all before. We're not so weird. We mostly turn a blind eye to matters of the reproductive, preferring to stride hither and tither in our altogether, feeling the brisk licks of the breeze dabbing gently at our greying wisps.

Young(ish) and old, fat and even fatter, rich and poor (but not too poor) – almost everyone is welcome here (though between you and me, you’ll have a much better chance of fitting in if you’re a bit on the racist side).

We have many activities for the nude and nude-at-heart here at Nude Village: our daily, fists-on-the-hips, stride around the dried-up lakebed, chaperoned by a man who claims to be a former Bishop of Rochester; nude selfie seminars hosted by our resident ex-jailbird, Polaroid Steve; our wildly popular nudity workshops with Bare Derek (book early: last month’s “Nudity Squared – How To Be Even Nuder” was dangerously oversubscribed)…

But please – I beg of you – if you are to visit, you must adhere to the following regulations:

No lewd conduct (except in the ditch behind the clubhouse).
No footwear (other than cowboy boots).
No more than three buttock slaps permitted per guest per day.
No capes.
No crepes (allergies).
No scaring the hens (well… those hens that are still left anyway).
No tri-tunnels (a foreign-looking gentleman, sporting a ripe triptych of anuses, once visited the village, causing all manner of merry havoc, chirping and chirruping from all three passages at once).

However, there is one thing that we nudes here at Nude Village love even more than The Buff – and that’s supplying you, our patrons, with all the latest chips and teats for your favourite video games.

Peel those batwings from your thighs, my fellow dishabilles: here come the teats!

GRAND THEFT AUTO V (PS4/Xbox One)
Looking for some easy money in this popular, multifaceted, dregs-of-humanity sim? First strip off, recline on your chaise lounge or kitchen counter, and rub tapas into your sternum and abs (try not to worry about what people think).

Now start playing the game, and embark on discovering a way to raise some easy money (in the game). You’ll probably find a method sooner or later, if you try hard enough.

DRAGON AGE: INQUISITION (Multiformat)
Wanting to earn the Botanist trophy? First remove your clothes, load up the game, find some way to earn the Botanist trophy – that’s something to do with plants, or exposed bottoms, I’d imagine – and then earn it. Truly, it couldn’t be simpler! Just make sure you’re utterly and profoundly leafless as you do so.

POKEMON X (3DS)
Want to unlock Mewtwo? Ensure you’re naked twixt toes and top, and that the game cartridge is inserted in your 3DS. Then start playing the game, while making sure you don’t accidentally put on some clothes. Keep playing until you find out a way to unlock Mewtwo, whomever or whatever that is. I say again: PLEASE DO NOT GET DRESSED WHILST PLAYING THIS GAME.

SUPER SMASH BROS (Wii U)
Keen to unlock the Duck Hunt stage, in this hyperactive brawling jamboree? It’s simplicity itself! Check your reflection in a full-length mirror to be completely sure that not a shred of clothing remains upon your person. Now, begin playing the game. Don’t give up until you’ve unlocked the Duck Hunt stage through trial and error. Please be aware: this tip will not fully satisfy unless you are utterly defrocked.

THE SIMS 4 (PC)
Seeking a way to make all property in this gibberish-based reality simulator absolutely free? Step 1: unfasten your clothing, and remove it in whichever way you deem quickest. Step 2: Start playing the game. Step 3: Start doing random things until you’ve found a way to make all property absolutely free! Step 4: Soil your clothes to be completely certain you won’t be tempted to put them back on.

And now that the teats have concluded, comes the time for your delousing ceremony in the ditch behind the clubhouse. Please bring a metal comb, and some ointment for the scrapes.

And that's all the nudes!

1 Comment

THE MAN'S DADDY - Gaming Comedy

24/11/2014

2 Comments

Hello. I’m a popular comedian called The Man’s Daddy. I recently performed my hilarious observational stand-up comedy show at a top video games awards ceremony. Accordingly, I tailored my set to the tastes of the audience – peppering it with references to the world of contemporary interactive entertainment.

Here is a transcript of the brilliant set I performed.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen of the games industry, please put your hands together and give a warm welcome to a popular comedian called The Man’s Daddy…!

<Applause>

<Moments after the applause has quietened to a curious ripple, The Man’s Daddy shuffles on stage, sniffling and growling quietly beneath his breath. He takes his place behind the microphone, barely raising enough enthusiasm to speak>

THE MAN’S DADDY: Whoo. Yeah. So. Video games. Am I right? Well, am I?

<Silence. Somebody in the audience coughs. The Man's Daddy emits a single, strangulated sob>

THE MAN’S DADDY: So, I got one of those – whaddayacallem? – Xbox Ones the other day.

<The Man’s Daddy starts trembling, struggling to speak over the thick, undulating spasms gripping his thorax and spine. A brief burst of techno music blares erroneously from the PA>

THE MAN’S DADDY: I gotta tell ya – no, seriously, listen – I gotta tell ya – Haven’t there been, like, three Xboxes? Xbox One? What is this – some kinda prequel?!

<His trembling starts to spiral out of control>

THE MAN’S DADDY: So cold… so very cold… can't feel... my heart... ACK! ACK! ACK!

<The Man’s Daddy stops, and stares at the floor for a full ten seconds, before slowly looking up at the audience>

THE MAN’S DADDY: And so. Let’s talk about that PlayStation 4. Why do they call it a station anyway? I stood waiting next to mine for an hour yesterday. Not a single train. AND SO!

<A blank-eyed drummer steps onto the stage and plays a rimshot>

THE MAN'S DADDY: Yeah, anyway. My sister's illegitimate son got himself a Wii U. I gotta say - that thing ain't for me. Wii U? More like pee-ew!

<The Man’s Daddy suddenly starts screaming, a shrill, piercing, blood-curdling, animalistic scream. He starts running around in circles, lashing out with his fists and feet at at invisible assailants>

THE MAN'S DADDY (through gritted teeth): In education, in marriage, in religion, in everything disappointment is the lot of women. It shall be the business of my life to deepen that disappointment in every woman's heart until she bows down to it no longer.

<He topples over, and suffers some kind of seizure, foaming at the mouth. He rolls off the stage, into the front row of the audience, still fitting and jerking>

THE MAN'S DADDY (furiously): I bring to you this fancy! I bring to you this fancy!

<He thrashes around on the ground at the front of the stage. People scream and flee. Others call for a doctor. Gradually, the twitching stops, and calm descends over the audience. All that can be heard is The Man's Daddy's laboured breathing. The drummer plays another rimshot>

<Applause>

2 Comments

HOW BIG IS TOO BIG? By Mr Biffo

24/11/2014

2 Comments

Sounds a bit rude.

Here’s a terrible confession; I never finished Grand Theft Auto V first time around. Something went wrong in the brain with my stupid Xbox 360, and I lost about five days’ worth of gameplay.

By my reckoning, I was about two-thirds of the way into completing the sprawling mass of main story, and I’d barely licked the surface in terms of all the side-missions, box-ticking and busy-work. Faced with that, I honestly couldn’t be bothered to play through it all again.

Don’t misunderstand me – I loved GTAV. However, I loved it despite that statement making me feel a bit uncomfortable and sad, to be honest. I do struggle with its particular brand of glamourised underbelly, misogynistic, wish-fulfillment. It’s such a cynical, depressing universe, and – call me weird if you must – I’d much rather live in a world without drug dealers, human trafficking, paparazzi, hollow celebrity and organised whatnots.

I yearn for an existence of Disneyfied possibility, where squirrels and bluebirds fly in through your kitchen window to do the washing up, make you toasties, and mop your drool.

It’s possibly telling that my ultimate wish-fulfillment fantasy setting is a post-apocalypse – basically, the world as we know it, with all its natural beauty intact, but scrubbed clean of humanity's filth and insanity. Actually, looking at it that way, maybe I’m the cynical one.

For all that, GTAV is so well written, so well put together, that it’s virtually impossible not to enjoy it (even if you do have to shower afterwards). Now that I’ve had some distance from Savegate, I’m finally prepared to do it all over again with the next-gen re-release.

Except… I’m busy with Far Cry 4 right now.

Indeed, I’m likely to be busy with Far Cry 4 for the foreseeable future. It’s shaping up to be intimidatingly GTA-like in girth and breadth. I really need to know what the north of Kyrat looks like, and I need to hunt some tigers to make a new hat, and I’ve only just started doing up my house.

The same thing happened to me last Christmas – I got a bunch of games, all of which ended up being sidelined by my obsession with Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag. These open world, sandbox, experiences are all well and good, but realistically how many of us have room in our lives for all of them? Before you even start with any online mode, you’ve got weeks, if not months, of work to do on the single player campaign.

Any one of them is like having a really needy girlfriend or boyfriend, who demands every second of your day. You’re dedicating all your time to them, while your friends – tired of your endless flakiness – are getting on with their own lives. As I’m playing Far Cry 4, I’m forever wondering how things are going with GTAV, or Assassin’s Creed: Unity. Are they down the pub having fun without me? Are they talking about me? Do they hate me now? Why do they hate me? Please stop hating me. I've just been busy, that's all. You don't understand. Please don't hang up...

I’m not for a second advocating that all games should be shorter and more immediate (although, like a between-course sorbet at some fancy restaurant, I’m probably going to play Geometry Wars 3 before I embark on yet another epic). We’re living in a time when the riches are abundant. It’s a lovely problem to have, this era of untold gaming value. Long gone are the days when it was seemingly acceptable to put out a full price game with about three hours-worth of play in it.

And I’ve been spoiled. Shadows of Modor was alright and stuff. It successfully did all the usual open-world things, but somehow I managed to burn through it in a couple of weeks. It left me disappointed that the main story wasn’t longer. That there wasn’t more meat on its bones. You basically get to a point with it where you’re invincible, and all challenge goes down the drain. Consequently, I felt disenchanted.

So I'm stuck. I really want to have a crack at the next-gen GTAV, and I really want to play Assassin’s Creed: Unity, even if I suspect it’s going to be a return to disappointment. And then I’ve got Dragon Age: Inquisition on my list. AND I want to get online with Call of Duty: Advanced Wafare. AND play Hotline Miami 2, whenever they get it finished. That's a lot of games, and most of them are enormous. Even if you do account for next year's first-quarter gaming drought, I’m never getting round to all of them, not with the awfulness of real life having to factor in as well.

This is an issue of time, and that’s not the fault of the studios responsible for these games. I kind of feel I should say that maybe there's a happy medium they could find - a way of trimming back the expanse of open-world games, while still making it feel like you've gotten your money's worth. But the truth is, I love that these games go on forever. I just wish I could play them all simultaneously.

What I really want is someone to invent a machine whereby I can both have my cake, and be able to eat it (plus, it would also be useful if the machine included some sort of waste treatment/hosing system, so that I didn't have to deal with my disgusting ablutions).

Goodbye!

2 Comments

GOSSI THE DOG - Games Shop Gossip

21/11/2014

3 Comments

Father! Father! Why must you place this moussaka over my face? Father, please – not so hard! I can feel the china bowl beneath the mush. It is impacting 'pon my maw, and I am getting hot aubergine inside my nostrils…

Look, everyone – it’s me! Gossi the Dog, the country's favourite talking dog, fresh from the set of my brand new TV special, Barkmasters! I may not be able to totter around on my hind legs like a drunk Ewok, but I've returned to the fore with some long overdue gaming gossip. Come - “goss-sip” from my cup, and take a “slander” at my dirty laundry.

Other gaming gossip sites can’t hold a “s-candle” to these idle rumours! Bark! NOAH'S BARK! Please… please, no! Why must I always be placed inside the iron lung, father?

G*ME

A little bird told me that a certain “Mr X” from the Richmond branch of this soulless high street favourite has been trading phlegm with a regular customer in the stock room. A fellow member of staff burst in last week to find them getting wet and clammy on a big stack of Assassin’s Creed: Unity. When confronted by his colleague, Mr X is said to have risen onto his haunches and scuttled off into a vent.

For the next few hours, staff and customers could hear Mr X banging and chattering above their heads. He was eventually coaxed out using a specially-designed lure, consisting of a Morbid Angel t-shirt and a photograph of Yaya Han.

Onlookers told me he was so overcome with remorse that he immediately went onto 4Chan to resign, threaten suicide, and post misogyny.

C*MPUTER EXCH*NG*

What’s that you say? “Ms Y” from the Barnsley store has been stealing from the till? Word is, her workmates at this public toilet-style games retailer have been suspecting her for some time, but their distrust was compounded last week when she rocked up to a staff outing wearing a pair of expensive fashion shoes, contrived from the hollowed-out carcasses of a couple of old octopi.

As she slipped and flopped her way around the bowling alley, buying drinks for everyone and squirting ink, speculation ran out of control. Things came to a head when "Ms Y" was confronted by a co-worker regarding her wild spending. She is said to have dropped to her knees and slithered inside the body of an air hockey table.

For the next few hours, people could hear her wailing and knocking from inside. She was eventually lured out using a photograph of Maru the cat, and a Domo figure painted to look like Daddy Cool.

Onlookers told me she was so overcome with remorse that she immediately went onto Reddit to resign, threaten suicide, and post feminism.

TOY* R US

Word on the grapevine (or should I say "apevine"?) is that a worker at this warehouse-esque retail giant has been secretly raising a family of Barbary apes in the games aisle of its Colchester store. His fellow workers have suspected "Mr K" for some time, due to his shifty demeanour, banana-like smell, and the unusual noises emanating from the Wii U section in which he works.

However, he has been keeping the macaques hidden using a clever system of mirrors, projectors, gauze and distraction; whenever somebody got close to discovering his secret, "Mr K" would start banging two pieces of coal together.

However, things finally came to light last week when "K" made the mistake of over-feeding his simian friends with Morrisons' own brand chicken noodles and Nobbly Bobblies. Gripped with nausea, the shrieking Barbary apes erupted from their camouflaged kennel and started vomiting and jumping on customers.

When confronted about his actions, "Mr K" is said to have slumped against a shelf of Lego, and started rolling around the store at high speed, making a barely-audible lowing sound. He was eventually encouraged to stop by being presented with a custom Doctor Who Minecraft set, and a Nicholas Cage meme he'd never seen before.

He immediately went onto the Buzzfeed comments section to resign, threaten suicide, and share '18 Signs You're Turning Into Ed Sheeran' with his friends.

3 Comments

MR T'S PROBLEM PAGE

21/11/2014

3 Comments

PENSION PROBLEM

Dear Mr T,

I’m worried that my personal pension fund isn’t worth a dime. I’m paying over £200 a month into the pot, but the estimated payout, when I retire, is less than £3,000 a year. I won’t be able to live on that. What do I do?

Crentin Latts

MR T: "Don’t worry too much about saving for retirement, Mr Latts. Everybody knows that due to global warming, overpopulation, financial stress, and a worrying proliferation of ridiculous, childlike hipsters, who believe they’re being original with their large, neatly-kept beards, lumberjack shirts, braces, and rolled-up jeans and shiny shoes so forth – as if anyone still thinks Mumford and Sons are something people should aspire to, for pity’s sake – society will have collapsed by the time we reach old age.

"In all likelihood, the world of the future will look a bit like that all-time classic movie – Daleks’ Invasion Earth: 2150AD, except with no Daleks and Robomen, just loads of rubble and bits everywhere. Your sad memories will be the only reminder of how life used to be. You will weep when you remember Tumblr and iCarly. My advice is that you make the most of every day now, before it is too late.

"However, speaking of things being too late… if you EVER get a JOB as a minicab DRIVER, and I call you TO pick me UP TO take me to the SHOPS to buy a SHELF, and you arrive LATE, I will smash MY bejeweled FISTS on THE bonnet of YOUR car.

"Let me be very clear about this: I will DO this to your car repeatedly. REPEATEDLY. Twice."

CAT CONUNDRUM

Dear Mr T,

I spent £500 on two kittens, but after several months they still won’t let me hold them or pet them. In fact, they run away whenever I come close, and only pretend to show interest in me at feeding time. What can I do?

Please help!

Franston Pickliss

MR T: "Unfortunately, cats need to be handled from a very young age so that they get used to human interaction. It is also common knowledge that cats are the least friendly and most awful of all the animals, so I’m afraid you’ve made a terrible mistake in buying them, Mr Pickliss. Your cats literally hate you. They can't do a lot about that. It's just their unfriendly nature, sadly.

"However, if I ever see YOUR cats in my GARDEN, putting THEIR foul scent ON my GNOMES, or trilling to ATTRACT a mate, I’ll have no CHOICE but to sweep them UP in a SPECIAL sort OF custom cat-net and DRAG them OFF TO BE spayed and DESTROYED. With Mr T’s ULTIMATE weapon: A really cross dog IN a bucket, with a scary face DRAWN on the bucket, on the END of a long pole.

"Know you this: I have YET to name this WEAPON."

ULCER ISSUE

Dear Mr T,

For the past few months I’ve been suffering from a recurring mouth ulcer, inside my left cheek. What do you think might be causing it? I recently became a vegan, so might it be some sort of vitamin deficiency?

Yours,

Lottie Rees (Mrs)

MR T: "I’m afraid that I wouldn’t like to hazard a guess as to the source of your oral discomfort, Mrs Rees. Typically, a mouth ulcer is caused by damage to the lining of your mouth, although the actual cause could be anything from stress and anxiety to a viral infection. My advice is that you should see a doctor or dental hygienist.

"Regardless of what’s behind it, I should WARN you that if you ever suffer some sort of bewildering “VEGAN MANIA” and DECIDE to strip OFF and SUDDENLY COME AT me in THE street with some SORT of sharpened implement, and START jabbing it towards MY mouth WITH THE intention of making an ULCER happen in my MOUTH, I will have NO choice but to KNOCK YOU in the throat WITH my POWERFUL elbow. Do not DOUBT me. This is NO empty threat: I will END your vegan DIET there and then.

"Try EATING your quinoa without A pharynx, you grotesque NUMPTY."

BOY TROUBLE

Dear Mr T,

My 15 year-old son, Trellis, has racked up a massive mobile phone bill trying to win the competition on The Gadget Show. I’ve tried punishing him by threatening to take his phone away from him, but he doesn’t seem to care. He just looks at me, and says “I don’t care” in this really annoying voice.

Do you have any advice? Thanks in advance,

Gretchen Sniff

MR T: "I feel your pain. My son, 'Mr t' (lower case), once spent £413.47 watching a scatological comedy show on the BBC iPlayer while we were vacationing in the Algarve. My advice to you is to do exactly what I did to my son – take his phone away immediately, and force him to get a Saturday job to pay back the bill. Do not return the phone until he has paid off the entire debt. Children and teenagers respond to boundaries. You’re his mother, not his best friend, and that’s the best piece of advice I could ever give.

"The best piece of advice… bar one.

"If YOUR SON is one of the SHOUTING little jerk-a-holes WHO kept me awake last night by riding one of those LITTLE MOTORCYCLES, like the ones a small clown rides, around the GREEN outside my house, and who then KNOCKED OVER my bins – DELIBERATELY – when I told them to GO HOME, then I refuse to BE held accountable for WHAT I will do if THEY COME back again tonight.

"I have a BOX of old HORNBY 00 gauge model railway accessories in my LOFT. I will gather up the TINY houses. I will gather the railway tracks, and the little people. I will CRUSH THEM into A ball. I will attach a string to this ball of model RAILWAY detritus and - whup whup whup! - whirl IT around my head. I will LOVE the sound it makes, as I approach your son and HIS friends. Then I will SWING it AGAINST the scalps of your SON and the OTHERS if he IS the one responsible for waking ME up.

"GIVE him this message from me AND make SURE he listens: STAY AWAY from MY BINS."

3 Comments

RECYCLOPEDIA: XBox 360 and PlayStation 4 – With SIR PHILIP GREEN

20/11/2014

1 Comment

Word up, homeboyssss. I’m Sssir Philip Green, chairman of the Arcadia Group, a retail conglomerate that includes such high street favouritessss as Topshop, Topman, BHSss-ssss, Burtonsss and Dorothy Perkinssss-sss-sss-s. When we’re not busy defending ourselves against accusationsss of tax avoidance or insulting the Irish, my wife Tina and I love nothing more than to help ssssave the planet. You see, we’re green by name AND by nature.

In fact, we’re so green that we love everything that happens to be green. Among the green things we love are The Incredible Hulk, Kermit the Frog, Kermit the Frond (a frond is a type of large, divided leaf – green in colour), creepy green massssks, Professor Green, money, and algae. The only green thing we don’t like is St. Patrick’s Day, because that’s sssomething to do with the stupid Irish.

Not only that, but we love the concept of “going green”. Ie; recycling an shit. In these frugal times, when obscenely wealthy people like me make life tougher for the rest of you, money needs to sssstretch further than ever. And with a new generation of games consoles tempting everyone to step up and splasssh out, you’re faced with a decision of what to do with your old machinessss-sss-ss. Ssssss!

Well, ponder no longer – for I, Ssssir Philip Green, have just the ssss-sssolution: recycle! Beholden yeself to thisss-ss: here are ten (five) rockin’ ideassss for what to do with your old conssssolessss-ssssssssss!! Ss.

CORACLE
If you really go at your old Xbox 360 with a hammer and ssscrewdriver, it’s pretty easy to break it in two. Why not use the two halvesss as a couple of ssmall coracles? You might have to plug holes in it with bits of Blu-Tack, or whatever, but it’ll probably be alright. And let’s just assume it is, pretty soon you and a friend will be paddling your unstable little boat like you’re some ancient Welsh fishing feller (ssso long as you’re not pretending to Irish – we’re still good).

BIRD HOME
A PlayStation 3 with a hole ssssmashed in it makes the ideal living conditionsss for a family of birds, or sssmall sweatshop workerssss. Just stuff some straw or sssshreded newssspaper in the hole, and they won’t even be that uncomfortable, I’d expect. Who knows, really?

JOKER'S CUSHION
Take your old Xbox 360 or PlayStation 4 and cover it in some old fabric, ssso that it looksss like a cusshion. Then asssk your nan or granddad to sit on it on All Fool’s Day. Due to their atrophied jointssss they’ll probably go down at quite sssome speed, meaning they’ll be in for a real shock when they bark their coccyx! Who knows? Maybe they'll even emit an involuntary "Bronx cheer"? This is bound to raise at least one or two tittersss at your family’s All Fool’s Day brunch. Do they have those...?

HANDBAG
I don't pretend to understand fashion - I just sssell the sssstuff! But if my wife is anything to go by, girlsss absolute love bagssss-sss. Why not turn one of your old consoles into a handbag or something? I dunno how you'd do that - fit a ssstrap to it, and... well... I dunno. Something like that. You work it out. I've not given it a lot of thought.

PET COFFIN
Have you inadvertently killed one of your sssmaller petssss-sssssss-ss? Flatten itsss body with a mallet and ssss-ss-slide it into your PS3 or 360 disc tray. Then have an awesome funeral for it! Just don't forget who gave you the idea - that would be me, Sssss-ssssir Philip Green!

Was that alright? I confess-ss that I didn't do a lot of preparation. Oh well.

Sssssss!

1 Comment

SUNSET OVERDRIVE: HE SWEARS IT WELL by Mr Biffo

19/11/2014

3 Comments

Please attend closely to this statement: I’m not the biggest fan of Sunset Overdrive on the Xbox One.

I think it’s well intentioned – god knows, I’m behind any game which does something other than act as a recruitment tool for illegal foreign wars, or thrust a bunch of cockney, WWE rancors in your face.

Yet it’s lacking something, as if it’s trying to be as plumbs-out guano bonkers as the Saints Row series, but doesn’t quite have the nerve. If Saints Row IV is the uber-drunk nightclub mental, yelping and Cossack-kicking his way across the dancefloor, while the other dancers stand around him clapping and whooping, Sunset Overdrive is his best mate, looking on from the edge of the circle, smiling along with the others, while secretly wishing he had the confidence to share the spotlight.

What’s worse, the combat is more awkward than a teenage boy at a bra festival. I can only liken it to an attempt at herding a flock of escaped toddlers using a malfunctioning shopping trolley and a rusting bulb horn. Plus, the game’s central mechanic, the not-really-explained skating around on rails, never feels as smooth and organic as it could.

I’ve not played Jet Set Radio in years, but my memory of it is one of sliding effortlessly through a series of buttery log flumes. Whatever that sentence might mean – and we shall never truly know – the fact remains that the skating in Sunset Overdrive is just a fraction too heavy to be a split-second subconscious joy.

And don’t get me started on the last-gen cut-scene characterisation… At least Saints Row IV made a virtue of looking terrible.

PETAL-MOUTHED NINNY

And yet… and yet… there’s something I sort of slightly love about Sunset Overdrive. And that thing is this thing: you can censor the swearing. It’s awesome – you can bleep out all of the swears, and it's like watching an episode of It'll Be Alright on the Night. Speaking as a father who sets impossible, hypocritical standards for any and all children, it’s a feature that has been long overdue. I can actually play the game during pre-watershed hours without turning down the sound, or having to resort to subtitles.

Please don’t misunderstand: I’m not some sort of petal-mouthed ninny. I love a good swear. Why, much to my neighbours’ chagrin, I’m swearing right now – swearing over and over and over as I type this. But sometimes the swearing in games feels like it has been carpet-bombed onto the script, to the point where it lifts me out of the moment. It irritates so much it literally gives me rickets. It’s like going to see your dentist, and having him human beatboxing at the end of every sentence, as he jabs his horrible shiny prong into your gums.

I love that Sunset Overdrive caters to ghastly prudes like me.

PAC OFF

Who knows? Maybe developers are making up for all those years where games never had swearing in them. But I’m fairly certain that Pac-Man wouldn’t have been improved any had that little yellow freak shouted “Pissmasters!” every time he ate a power pill. And would it have made the original Tomb Raider a better game if Lara Croft had accused all those animals she shot of being a "Tit-faced fuckabilly"?

I appreciate there’s a place for swearing in games. The Grand Theft Auto series is about as potty-mouthed as anything, but it wouldn’t be the same without it – it needs the profanity for that universe to feel real. Plus, the dialogue is generally so witty anyway that you can forgive it.

It just seems like that the majority of games - at least, the games I play - now have gratuitous swearing in them, and I don't really understand why. Especially when so many of them are set in something other than the real world. And I think that's the crux of it - at a time when Hollywood has realised the value of the 12A, games are often still peddling the equivalent of what would've once been 15 or 18-certificate movie, due to their language alone. It feels like there's still some growing up to do.

Not that I expect it really matters to anyone other than me. Let's face it, there's not a 14 year-old in the land who hasn't tricked their idiot parents into getting them GTAV, and society has still yet to collapse.

3 Comments

THE WALKING DEAD: ZOMBIE DAVE EDITION

19/11/2014

8 Comments

EXT. PRISON - DAY

A herd of WALKERS are pushing against the outer fence.

RICK, CARL and DARYL approach, armed with sharpened sticks.

CARL: Papa! Papa! What must we do here today?

RICK: See these walkers here, Carl?

CARL: I do, Papa! There are so many. One… two – oh, so, so many!

RICK: Well, we need to clear all the walkers from the fence.

ZOMBIE DAVE: Frrrrrrrg rrrrrrf.

RICK: Watch what me and Daryl do.

Rick and Daryl start ramming their sharpened sticks into the walkers’ brains.

CARL: Ha ha! That looks like so much fun. My go! My go!

Carl pushes his sharpened stick into a walker’s brain.

CARL: Wheeee! I made one of them do this thing: die. I’m a big boy now.

ZOMBIE DAVE: Nr. Yrrrr rrr trrrrwt. Rr lrrrrdl trrrrrwt. Frrrrrg rrrrf.

RICK: Just remember, everyone - they’re already dead. You’re not actually killing them.

ZOMBIE DAVE: Yrrz yrrrr frrrrgn rrrr!

RICK: Quickly now. Let us move along the fence.

ZOMBIE DAVE: Wrrd rr srrc. Drrddn yrrr urrrrzd trrr brrr rrrn Thrrrrz Lrrrf?

RICK: That’s the way, everyone. Walk and stab. Walk and stab.

CARL (singing): Walk and stab! Walk and stab! This is fab! This is fab! Stab fab crab! Crab crab crab! CRAB! CRABS! CRABS!!!

RICK: What a beautiful song that is, Carl. And you're doing splendid work. See how I rub the top of my head in appreciation. I do this now because society has fallen, and we must find new ways of doing things.

Rick furiously rubs the top of his head, then stabs a female walker in its face.

ZOMBIE DAVE: Rrrrrrrrr! Thrrd wrrrz mrrrr grrrrrlfrrrnd yrrrr frgggng brrrrdrrd crrrrnd!

RICK: That’s it, Carl. Keep jabbing them in the brains like I am.

ZOMBIE DAVE: Nrr! Whrrrr rrr yrrrr drrrng thrrrrrz?!

RICK: You're very quiet, Darryl.

DARYL: Mrrrbrlll drrrrm drff drff drrmllbrrb.

ZOMBIE DAVE: Crrnd.

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