"Good day to you, sir or madam (I'm not a sexist). My name is Solid Snake, or Big Boss, or Ahab, or... I dunno. I JUST DON'T KNOW. I'm as confused as the rest of you, and I'm actually him.
"Basically, I'm that guy who is in all the Metal Gear Solid games who has the eyepatch, and the cardboard box, who likes doing hiding and stealth and that. In fact... you could say 'Stealth is my middle name'...! But that would be a lie (my middle name is Stool, unfortunately).
"I, like many of you, am aware that we recently passed the Autumn Equinox, talking us into the season that Americans like to call 'The Fall'. Consequently, you're no doubt going to be attending a harvest festival of some sort of in the coming weeks.
"Therefore, it's around this time of year people often come up to me in the supermarket or sauna and say 'Hello, Snake. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is James Richardson, and I have a question for you - how can I do stealth at a harvest festival, Snake? Please tell me, Snake. Yours sincerely, James Richardson (Mrs)'.
"Well, I'm so sick of that happening that I've put together this handy guide. Read this and there'll be no excuse for not hiding at a Harvest Festival! LOL! I have terrible depth perception."
So, according to Xbox boss Phil Spencer, Halo could have the same sort of longevity as Star Wars or Spider-Man - and it's all due to its players' connection with the characters.
"Halo is somewhat unique in that it has such a heavy character and story base to it. I think it's one of the real strengths," he told Gamespot.
"People know the characters' names in the franchise."
They might know the characters names, but is that the same thing as actually caring about them, and being emotionally invested in them? People know Pac-Man's name, and Q*Bert's name, and Super Meat Boy's name too.
Spencer continues: "They know who Master Chief is. They know who Cortana is. It's not always true of other shooting franchises that you have that same connection to the characters in the story, and that there's a consistency and a connective tissue between the games.
"It's a franchise and an IP I expect to be around 20 years from now, much the same way and and other things are."
Shoot me down if you must, but if Halo is around for decades to come, it won't be because of any richly-realised cast of characters...
Dark Souls! To play it is to love it, but can you believe there are people who exist on the planet who still haven't had the pleasure? There really are those who've never been returned to life inside a bonfire, or heard of the Furtive Pygmy.
Crazy, is it not? What could possibly be stopping them from embarking on this grim, relentless, cursed journey into the dangerous realm of Lordan?
We searched high and low to find ten people who've never enjoyed the unforgiving slog of playing the same bits of this ruthless hack-and-slash 'em up RPG over and over again. And this is they and they stories.
Do you love both Digitiser2000 and wearing clothes?! Then you might be interested in purchasing one of our utterly lovely t-shirts.
Made from high-quality fabric, and available in two designs, the t-shirts are a mere £12 plus £4 postage & packaging.
We're sure you'll agree that it's small price to pay for being the most fashionable person on your estate (the logo one actually looks much nicer than in does in that picture, and the Moc-Moc-A-Moc shirt comes in a brilliant, neon green).
If these two limited edition products - which will never be reprinted with exactly these designs - prove to be a success, we'll be selling more t-shirts, featuring all your Digitiser favourites.
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The Digitiser2000 YouTube Channel receives a visit from a very special guest, who has an important message for you...
Disneyland! It's literally the happiest place on earth, guy!
Who wouldn't want to spend the day in the company of humanoid animals, eating turkey legs in the shadow of a grand castle, like they're living some primary coloured reinterpretation of The Island of Doctor Moreau?
It's a place where adults can be kids again, and kids are free to act out their fantasies. Here's Digitiser2000's rundown of ten such lucky youngsters who got to live the Disney dream.
Whoo-waaaaah-whaaat?! Hello, everyone. Please don't be alarmed by my presence here. I might be a g-g-ghost, but that's ok - I'm the ghost of a real friendly guy, not some creep.
What, you just thought that everyone who dies automatically becomes one of those scary, weird, ghosts? Don't be so naive.
Alive people who liked wandering around other people's homes while wearing sheets and scaring people - YouTube pranksters and perverts, basically - become scary ghosts, while everyone else sort of just gets on with their deaths.
Anyway. When I was alive, I really liked setting quizzes for people, and you know what they say - old habits die hard!!! ROFLIMC (Roll On Floor Laughing In My Coffin). So - here you go: here's a fun popular culture quiz which is about general topics... and nothing else. "Tot-up" your answers, and we'll give you the results at the end. Whoo-ooo-whoaa-whoa!
While most of us have forgotten it ever existed, we can't quite believe that the Gamergate controversy is still rumbling along, a year after it began.
And yet, if you search for "gamergate" or "Social Justice Warrior" on any social media platform, those who both oppose or support the cause - such as it is - continue to take potshots at one another.
Who is right, who is wrong, and why is this most bitter of battles still raging? Here we attempt to understand the controversy by profiling six of the major players, and filling you in on a few things you may not have known about them...
Brushing your teeth is real important. Modern medical research has shown that brushing teeth properly can prevent cavities, gingivitis, and gum disease, which causes at least one-third of all adult tooth loss.
But what of the people who design the video games we all love to play? How do they brush their teeth?
Like us, it's something you've possibly wondered about. To save you the effort of doing so, we've chosen ten of the world's leading game design gurus, and imagined how they might brush their teeth.
As you'll no doubt have heard, veteran games firm Konami is pulling out of almost all blockbuster video game development.
This likely means no more instalments - at least for now - of Silent Hill or Metal Gear Solid, and throws some possible light on the peculiarly abrupt departure of star producer Hideo Kojima.
And this is a real big shame, because Konami has been responsible for some of the finest, most singular, games ever. Indeed, fairly early on in Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain players are confronted with the sight of a burning blue whale eating a helicopter - one of the most absurd and brilliant images ever featured in a video game. "Now we've seen it all," we thought to ourselves.
And yet... it turns out that we haven't. We haven't seen it all. We've searched high and low to find ten things we - and you - have never seen in a video game. And we found them. Here are the ten most absurd, over-the-top, images yet to feature in a game. Get ready to have your minds blown...
Hello. I'm a popular comedian called The Man's Daddy. I've just been reading that another of our politicians has been accused of having sexual relations with a dead pig - in this instance, our own "gifted" Prime Minister, David Hameron.
Though I can't for the life of me imagine why even a dead pig would want our Prime Minister's musty Wotsit thumbed between its lips, this is nevertheless gold for a popular topical comedian like myself - and so, I've been down in my bunker writing the finest topical jokes on this issue that I possibly could in three or four minutes.
Just for the record, I've never done anything like that... though I did once touch the outside of dog's bottom with the edge of a frozen pizza, as part of my initiation into the Venture Scouts. Well, I hope these jokes are ok. It doesn't matter if you don't like them. I'm just glad you're getting to read them, yeah. Well, ok. Bye then. The jokes are below. You don't have to read them, but - yeah - ok. Bye. Bye then. Hope you enjoy the jokes. Bye.
"Alright, mate? What can I get you? What's that? You only came in to ask me to introduce a feature on apps? What are apps when they're at home? Programmes? What, like on the telly? Ohhh, applications. Like, games on your phone? You mean like Snake? Not like Snake - like what then? Speak English, mate. Seriously!
"Soz, I don't know anything about nothing about smartphones or anything like that. All I know is that him at home is never off his iPhone thing.
"Seriously - does he have to take a photo of every meal we eat, and then show it to the world? Gets right on my bits it does. Anyway, now that you're in here though, did you want anything? I just put a couple of bits of cod in the - Nah nah nah! No! Stop fiddling with the chip forks. People have to eat with those."
Famous people are the best! We don't stop to question why... we just know they sort of are! They're attractive sometimes, and funny, and some of them can play the trumpet, and they're in films... and... and... whatever, guy!
We treat them like they're better than us, like they deserve to be elevated above the rest of us scum. And this is probably because we know that the second they do something wrong, we're going to tear them apart with our teeth and fingers, in order to feel slightly better about our own misery. Celebrities... they're basically free-range pigs, see. They live a life of pampered luxury... but there's still a butcher's hook waiting with their name on it.
Still. Who wouldn't pass up an opportunity to spend time in the company of their favourite famous dude? Or - failing that - some of their stuff? Here are fifteen bizarre items of celebrity memorabilia that actually got put up for auction.
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